Correcting a misinterpreted mistake…

I think that one of the words that would most be used to describe me, from my friends, would be flirtatious but with no intent. Sometimes, what I think is just honest or fun turns out to be flirty with the wrong interpretation on the other end.

Let me explain. I haven’t been to Austin since the weekend before my birthday but for some reason my brothers neighbor has had a reason to text me almost on a daily basis. I think I’ve actually met this guy maybe four or five times total, as in in person. The very first time I met him he spent the entire night touching me all over my face, arms, back. This had nothing to do with sex but he had heard that I hated to be touched and therefore took it upon himself to do it all night.

I’ve talked about him before but he’s a trust fund baby but he’s not a total d-bag about it. You can just tell that there’s not a lot of things in his life that he’s had to do without. In the same breath I’m not sure he’s ever NOT gotten something he’s wanted either.

At first, these texts and calls had to do with a business that he wanted to open and he wanted info. Then it soon turned into a prank that he wanted to play on my brother. Then tonight it turned into something else that he needed.

I’m fine with doing things for others. That’s not a problem but I really hope that he’s not taking any of my “playfulness” to heart. I still don’t want him to touch me, I still don’t want him to kiss me and he is just a friend of my brothers.

In a really weird way I’d love to go there and say, “Oh I’m seeing someone blah blah blah” just to make a point that even though he might want me to want him that he’s no where on that list for me. Read what I said, I did NOT say that he wants me. I said that he wants me to WANT HIM. It’s completely different for rich guys. These are guys I’ve known all my life AND dated. It’s never ever that they like you that much it’s just about “having” or “getting” you.

With this particular guy though, he’s been nicknamed silver spoon, it’s tough because I’m not going to censor myself but I also don’t want him to get the wrong idea. What’s also disconcerting is that the more I get to know him the less attractive he actually gets. The more I get to know him I realize just how little confidence he has. It’s strange and in him it’s really unattractive. I don’t find that to be true to all men though.

Hopefully I won’t see him this weekend at all thought, when I go to my brothers. What I do hope to do this weekend is get a little happy drunk, not work at all and just have some fun. That’s not too much to ask right? I am in desperate need to decompress after this shitty week and it’s only Wednesday. Way too much stress for this week.

That’s enough of my rambling tonight. I’m still in a strange mood which might have something to do with the coming full moon or the opening of two friends new clubs soon or something else entirely… Any other city still looks better than this one right now… It’s off to bed.

I think I’ve found a new name for something I have tonight…

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Tis The Season To…

Unlike years before, tis the season to appreciate a lot more, to be grateful and to realize just a bit more what you want out of life. Well, it is for me. So I figured that I would do my lists before I’m off out of town in the morning.

I am grateful for this year…
That I have friends of every variety that are amazing.
That I have found myself in a happier place than this time last year.
That I have had the opportunities to travel, go to concerts and do a few things I’ve never done before.
That my niece tells me I’m her best friend.
That I didn’t settle for a boy just because he loved me.
That I’ve met new people this year and can call a few of them friends.
That I’ve spent more time with people that are so much different than I am.
That I’ve started to see the good in everything even when it feels like there isn’t any.
That I’ve had a job that I like and do well.

There’s still a long way to go for me. That’s where the new year comes in. I know it all sounds cliche but it’s the perfect time. The first is on a Sunday so it’s brand new year, week and day. There’s no better way to start. I’ll need help and hopefully I’ll find the strength to ask for it this time.

Some of the things that I am putting on my list for the new year…
I want to get healthy, once and for all. I need to have people in my life that are supportive of that goal and that will help.
I want to do more things that I’ve never done like take a cooking class, maybe finally get a dog again and spend more time outdoors.
I’d like to get back to a place with my BFF that doesn’t feel so distant which is my fault.
I’d like get to a place where none of THE friends actions, words or lack of feelings doesn’t bother me at all. As much as we’ve had our issues I don’t want to have a life without him in it.
I’d like to move maybe not away but away from where I am. I need to find some better, new energy.
I want to continue growing, learning and getting to a better place overall with my life.
I want to check off a lot of classic movies that I’ve still never seen. Maybe I’ll use the rainy days for that.
I want to volunteer more.
I want to spend less money.
I want do something that makes a difference to someone else.

Because of all that on my list I’m going to be asking the universe for a lot but not more than I can handle.
I’m asking the universe for patience, love and understanding. I am looking for guidance and peace and lots of laughter.
I am asking for someone who makes me feel the good parts of what THE friend makes me feel and who loves me back unconditionally. Trust is, I’d take a carbon copy… Well, without all the girlfriends and maybe less of the bad moods but more sweet gestures and an unlimited amount of love.
I’m asking for signs that I should either let go of my current job and move somewhere else or stay for just a bit longer.

In each and every year, month, day even I am beginning to see the better parts of it rather than the worst. I have resigned to understand that routine isn’t a rut but what I need to do to survive. I also understand that maybe I wasn’t mean for “normal”. Maybe marriage, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence just isn’t in the cards for me and I might just be okay with that.

There are things about my life that I love and I plan to focus on those things. I’ll eventually find a rhythm and a groove that I’m the most comfortable in. Some days I’d like to just know that I won’t spend my life alone in the end because I was too picky or because I wouldn’t settle for feeling something less that someone else.

I might never be one of those people that wakes up with a ray of sunshine coming out my ass (as my boss puts it) or one that finds beauty in a swirling plastic bag but it doesn’t mean that the happier moments won’t mean as much. It does mean that the not so great moments are not so bad anymore.

I’m starting to sound like one of those self-help books or Tedtalks or something. I don’t know. My world just feels different lately… Better. The last part of this year will be spent ridding myself of things I don’t need anymore. Taking things to Goodwill and cleaning other things.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing for new years eve yet. I’ve had three invites so far but I want to do something different. Bringing in the new year with the same people doing the same thing just doesn’t seem right or interesting.

So that’s my random rambling tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, holiday or weekend, whatever you choose to celebrate. Remember, “Peace, Love and don’t give a shit!”

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Staring Into The Soul… And Thinking of Other Things.

I went out on a date the other day. I haven’t really found the words for it till today but he was nice, cute, sweet and all the other things that someone else said he’d be. We’d met at the restaurant because I’m a control freak and needed that control. I looked nice, well, nicer than usual. I’d curled my hair, went extra sultry on the eyes and sprayed the expensive perfume lightly. First rule, I’d put my phone away. Second rule, I’d not think about anything else during dinner. Third rule, to stop reciting rules in my head.

I already felt a bit uneasy because he was pretty, nice body and good hair. I wasn’t going to show that side though. We already knew what each other looked like so that was just my mind getting the best of me. He asked how my day was. I’d responded with the usual “Fine”. It’s to early to explain the weirdness that my job has to offer me. I returned the question. His response was much more invasive. I noted in his reply that he was nervous. Really? That was interesting to me.

The waiter came over to take our drink orders. My date had asked me if I wanted a mixed drink or wine. I remembered “Mixed drinks make me excited but wine makes me sleep”… So my response was quickly, “Wine, please”. He picked out some red French mess. I remembered that red wine gives my mom migraines and had the thought that if I got a migraine that maybe it was a sign. We continued the standard first date inquiries. The conversation flowed. We had some similar interests, music, movies and a few other things.

In the corner of the restaurant I’d noticed that a friend of my boss’s was on what appeared to be a bad Tinder date. I remembered the time when he’d been given my number and somehow found it appropriate to send me a d*ck pic. I then, quickly, shook my head back to the present and returned to the current conversation. He was telling me about his college experiences. I found it interesting until he mentioned something about his hair and I remembered that I have a hair appointment soon and thought long and hard about going back to blonde for the summer.

“Damn it, Stay in the moment!” I screamed in my head. Then the evening seemed to drag on. I, at one point, remember looking at him directly in the eyes and wondering, “I wonder if he’d just donate his sperm to me?” “We’d just have to have one night of passion and then we’d never have to see each other again.” It was around that time that I was awoken from my day dream by him saying something about, “They’re coming to concert here. Would you like to see them?” I replied with a smile and a maybe because that’s all I could muster after realizing that, No, he’s not the one night stand type of guy. That’s a plus.

I’ll fast forward through all the rest of the monotony. Basically, I remembered this Letter To My Future Husband and I realized that he’s not that person. I’m not sure that anyone I meet in the future is that person. Basically, we had a nice evening. It was pleasant but there were no sparks. I couldn’t wait to get back home to my fortress of solitude. I tried, I really tried but I’m not sure you should HAVE to try that hard.

Then, Friday night came and I had a great time with my boss’s girlfriend and I forgot about the date. Then, Saturday came and I had a great time with THE friend. Then, Sunday came and I had a great time with THE friend again even though he was acting strange. Then Sunday night came and THE friend was leaving and I got sad. I got sad because even in his weird, secretive grumpy cat mood he was still better company than the date. I really am going to be old and grey living with my best friend with a ton of dogs.

I’ve had a strange month already. Not bad but different even tonight was weird. I don’t really know where my head is at. I think it’s somewhere between confused, sad and feeling cheated or maybe that’s my heart. I don’t know anymore. Can I just give up? I think I just give up. I will resign to my fate and leave all this “force-able future” alone. But I can’t say I didn’t try.

The date called and texted. I hate that our society is such a “need an answer right now” kind. What do I tell him? “Sorry you’ve not left enough of an impression to replace the impression of someone else that’s already in my heart.” That seems cold. That’s too cold right? Blah, I can already see that this will be one of those unsurprising weeks that make me want to scream into a pillow or smother myself with it by the end.

…And those are my thoughts. I really planned on writing a whole other something tonight. Not in the mood. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Spiritual Awakening… And Some Contemplation.

I’ve realized tonight that to be added to my “perfectly imperfect man” list is the fact that he’s an introvert. Yep, I need an introvert. I go out way too much. As much as I like to go out and for some reason if I don’t do something on the weekends I feel useless, I also know that I need structure and routine to keep myself in balance.

To help with some of my balancing issues, I went to see my Shaman friend today, in between running a bunch of errands. She gives me lots of things to help my spiritual self. Gemstones, oils, candles and meditation exercises. In her world, everything means something from the tiniest stone to how a flame is burning while meditating about something or someone.

We talked a lot about love and how never the right kind is brought into my life. So tonight, after coming home from a long night out, she had me burn a double candle and my meditation was to watch the flame and how the wicks burned together. I realize that I sound a bit crazy right now and at first I felt like a pyro but I like candles. I like to have them burning in my home. It’s another sense of comfort for me and the smells are usually ones that invoke some sort of needed feeling or emotion. I typically have at least four candles burning while I’m home but all to be extinguish before guest come over so they don’t get the feeling that I’m trying to seduce them or something.

But tonight, these candles were blessed and while watching them I envisioned what I wanted to come to me, in man form. What I like. All the traits that I’ve mentioned here. I watched the flame burn as one and watched the wax disintegrate. One side was supposed to be me and the other side was supposed to be the man that I want to romantically come into my life. I watched my flame burn with strength and I watched the male flame burn but it needed to be propped up by my wick. I sat there for probably 30 minutes and watched until the singular flame on two candles had burnt down so far that my fingernails where turning black.

It was memorizing and I realized why she’d had me to that because it was also so meditative. It was kind of beautiful and symbolic all in the same. I know it sounds like I must have been drinking tonight but I can assure you that I have not. In fact, my evening just lost me an hour so I’m about to, hopefully, drift off to sleep. Something tells me that this might just cause a few weird dreams tonight.

I will say this, she said that there’s a lot of fear around me. Mostly from others. They are fearful of doing or saying the wrong this or of trying to hard or too little. They’re scared of losing a moment because of its imperfection. That didn’t make much sense to me but if someone in my life is worry about missing an opportunity because the moments not perfect, I have news for them. Nothing is always perfect. NOTHING. Why pass up a chance to be happy because “it’s not the right time”. Pretty soon you’ll be wondering where did he time fly. I have a feeling this might be my GBF and if that’s the case, we’re going to have a long talk tomorrow. The moral of the story will be, “Don’t regret the ‘not trying’ parts of your life. When it’s all over you won’t care what others thing, you won’t care if things didn’t work out, you’ll care because you never had the guts to try.” Even if it’s not him, those are words to live by anyway.

I feel very relaxed after that mediation. Strange but kind of perfect. Hope you’re all having a great weekend and if you’re burning the candle at both ends, remember to watch it burn. It’s very therapeutic. Also, stop being afraid and just do something that you’re scared to do. Seriously. Don’t add another regret to your life if you don’t have to. Soapbox is over.

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Mood Music… And Another Discussion About Expectations.

I flip flop about the way I listen to music. Some days I let my iTunes library be my guide, other days I like to listen to the mood playlists on Spotify. I usually don’t agree with their playlists but it gives me the opportunity to listen to new stuff or stuff I’ve missed.

Today, I was thinking about my mood music and what I listen to when I’m “moody” so here’s what I came up with:

Angry: Pennywise, Distrubred, Korn, Nine Inch Nails.

Sad: Tim McGraw’s Don’t Take The Girl (that’s my go to cry song if I feel like I need to cry), Blue October.

Spiritual: Plumb, Enation.

Sexy: The Golden Palominos, Poe, The Weeknd, Fiona Apple, Heather Nova.

Happy: Bastille, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Ellie Goulding.

On sunny afternoon drive: Ray LaMontagne, Leonard Cohen, Hozier.

When I feel like I wanna dance: Marc Anthony, Sia.

When it’s a rainy day: Jessie Ware, David Grey, Nina Simone, or any jazz.

When I want to dream: Instrumental or Lindsey Stirling.

Of course this list changes by the day according to the mood I have already verses the mood I want to be in. That’s one expectation that’s always met. Music has the ability to change my mood in a heartbeat.

Expectations are a funny thing. What’s the saying, “Hope for the best and expect the worst?!” Blah horrible yet true phrase. The thing is, I’m not sure that my expectations are that high to begin with.

These are the things in life that I expect…
When I get an amazing blowout I expect it to rain soon.
I expect my GBF to always send me a “Good morning” text with some cute meme.
I can always count on not hearing back from my brother for about three days after I text him.
I know that my boss will always be late, except on Fridays when I have his check ready.
I expect to never have feelings as deeply as I do for THE friend for anyone else.
I expect those feelings to never be reciprocated.
I expect that I will always get tired of my natural hair color and always go back to blonde.
I expect that almost all calls after midnight are usually either booty calls or bad news.
I expect that the feeling of running away will come soon, again.
I expect that the dishes in my sink will stay there until I either don’t have any dishes left to use or I get seriously bored one day.

Those are the things that I can usually count on in life. No surprises there. However, while chatting with my GBF earlier we were joking about finding “husbands” somewhere. He said that I need to lower my expectations. This I won’t do. First, because I tried and it didn’t work and second what the hell is wrong with having an expectation that I want to date someone who I feel connected with. Since when was that a bad idea?

To some girls, settling means that they find a guy less attractive or with less money or with a lessor job than they planned. To me, settling is to find someone that I don’t connect with. It’s that simple. I don’t have strong connections to many people. I have a crapload of friends or acquaintances but few strong connections. These are the people that I’d spend my last dime on, ones that I’d let live in my space, ones that I give more of myself to than I’ve done with anyone else. These people are the ones that know my secrets, almost all my secrets.

So, no. I’m not going to settle in that area. I guess if that means it’s just me, my BFF and a lot of dogs when we grow old and are pulling our insignificant social security check at the end of the month then so be it. I suppose I should start expecting that as well then.

Things aren’t always as simple as changing a mindset. Some days maybe I wish things were that easy. I’d do the whole “Poof” and now I actually want to marry any one of the last few guys that have asked. But no, I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of expectations that are so low in my daily life that there’s not much room for error.

I think this solar eclipse (singing Total Eclipse of the Heart each time I say that) has me feeling strange. A bit anxious, maybe a little sad and something that I’m not quite sure of. I’m sure that the horror movie I just watched didn’t really help that mood much. It’s now time for a run I guess and then bed I guess. I’ll just go about my expected routine tonight.

Hope you’re having a great week. What’s your mood music?

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Dinner and a Movie night… It’s not a date night.

First, I must state that I’m much more tipsy than I realized about an hour ago. I’m not sure what that will lead to on here. But it’s nice to know that even tipsy, I still got my run in. I came in immediately from the movie, while taking the pants off at the door and put on my workout clothes, then proceeded to workout. I got my steps in so ha!

THE friend and I went to see Deadpool and have dinner tonight, as you already know by the title it wasn’t a date night and don’t worry not every event that we share together has to be some monumentally emotional roller-coaster for me either. I will mention these two things though and then move on. Sometimes, I hate that he knows me like he does and I try NOT to acknowledge that he does. The first instance was when we were in the movie before it started and he asked if I was cold and assuming he was about to chunk his jacket at me, I said no but I was freezing. He knows I’m always cold. Second, withthe “Are you ok to get home?” Of course I said yes. What the hell would he have done anyway? But I realized that maybe I hadn’t eaten enough during the movie.

Those may seem like little trivial insignificant details; however, they are not. Because every once in a while I realize that he pays attention, sometimes. Trust me, we still have our battles of some things that are small and some that are huge but at least we’re working on them better?! I guess, now that I’ve said that there is sure to be a slip up at my expense. I usually curse things where I say something nice.

Okay, so moving on from that. While I was waiting for him prior to the movie my ex was texting me weird things. Yes, I still talk to him but not nearly as much as he talks to me. Some conversations are a week of him texting randomly and me responding when I have nothing else to do or when THE friend is on his phone. But tonight he was going off about going to bed early and missing someone sleeping next to him. As much as he is someone pretty to cuddle up to I knew where he was trying to go with this so I just changed the conversation. He’d ended up saying that he was renting a beach house for a week and wanted me to go with him. How many times can you tell someone you’re not interested and make it clear? THE friend told me that he wasn’t and I’ve understood since day one but no… This ex just keeps expecting something that I’m have no desire to give him. Again, this is my karma.

On to the movie. I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds because of his comedic delivery. His sarcasm would probably be enough to give me an orgasm. So, I wanted to go see this because of him and because there were NOT supposed to be any romantic undertones. So I as wrong. Again. I’ve stated my dislike for romantic movies in the past and my reasons are because they fill girls and women with false senses of what things are really like. I mean seriously, what do you think really happens after, “And they lived happily ever after.” The rest of that is, “Until there was no passion left to argue and the princess cheats because her husband is boring and the prince lets his mother run his life too much so they divorce and they’re both on their third marriage.”

So you understand my point. There is no such thing as a “Happily ever after” because nothing is perfect and who wants to live up to those standards anyway. Who wants to live in the normalcy that fairy tales create with the man saving the woman and then, soon after they have a bouncing baby college fund. But in all honesty the other reason I don’t like romantic movies is because they make me miss being in a relationship. I miss the cuddling and the sexual exploration when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you like and vice versa. And again, when it was there for the taking, I didn’t take it because I wasn’t there yet.

Dealpool was not a classic romantic movie but he gets the girl in the end and she gets her man. So if my life was a romantic comedy then I guess my ex would get me, I’d get THE friend and THE friend would get whoever his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday girl is. Well now, there’s no room for a happily ever after there then for anyone.

Yes, I suppose in some twisted sense of fate I can always bring anything back to THE friend and I. Do they still lobotomize patience? Just curious. I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to try. I have literally tried everything else to get to the same place that THE friend is with me, with him. I’ve prayed so many times, “Dear God, please make my feelings for “insert name here” be the same as what his are for me (or lack thereof)”. Nothing, nothing has worked. Twisted bitchy fate, I suppose. Maybe I should ask what the Friday and Saturday girls do to get their prime spot?

I wonder if I’ll come back tomorrow and read this with a totally sober mind and just say, “WTF, again? SHUT UP!” Can I unsubscribe to myself? I have no idea. Anyway, it’s off to watch the X-Files finale and then to bed. I hope you are all having a great week and remember to do the little things and be grateful for the little things that someone does for you. 🙂

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