Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 22 (Monday)

1. One good thing: I had dinner with my GBF. We had great conversations about nothing.

2. Spending: I spent on dinner but got a bonus today so it more than evened out in my favor.

3. Exercise: Yes

4. Eat healthy: Yes

5. Routine: Yes.

I had a nice day, came home with THE friend still here which I was happy about and went to dinner with my GBF. Came home and worked out. I’m pretty sure I was exhausted by that time though. I would have relaxed in a nice bath except seeing how clean my kitchen is now shows me just how dirty my bathroom is. All in all it was a good day.

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Mood Music… And Another Discussion About Expectations.

I flip flop about the way I listen to music. Some days I let my iTunes library be my guide, other days I like to listen to the mood playlists on Spotify. I usually don’t agree with their playlists but it gives me the opportunity to listen to new stuff or stuff I’ve missed.

Today, I was thinking about my mood music and what I listen to when I’m “moody” so here’s what I came up with:

Angry: Pennywise, Distrubred, Korn, Nine Inch Nails.

Sad: Tim McGraw’s Don’t Take The Girl (that’s my go to cry song if I feel like I need to cry), Blue October.

Spiritual: Plumb, Enation.

Sexy: The Golden Palominos, Poe, The Weeknd, Fiona Apple, Heather Nova.

Happy: Bastille, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Ellie Goulding.

On sunny afternoon drive: Ray LaMontagne, Leonard Cohen, Hozier.

When I feel like I wanna dance: Marc Anthony, Sia.

When it’s a rainy day: Jessie Ware, David Grey, Nina Simone, or any jazz.

When I want to dream: Instrumental or Lindsey Stirling.

Of course this list changes by the day according to the mood I have already verses the mood I want to be in. That’s one expectation that’s always met. Music has the ability to change my mood in a heartbeat.

Expectations are a funny thing. What’s the saying, “Hope for the best and expect the worst?!” Blah horrible yet true phrase. The thing is, I’m not sure that my expectations are that high to begin with.

These are the things in life that I expect…
When I get an amazing blowout I expect it to rain soon.
I expect my GBF to always send me a “Good morning” text with some cute meme.
I can always count on not hearing back from my brother for about three days after I text him.
I know that my boss will always be late, except on Fridays when I have his check ready.
I expect to never have feelings as deeply as I do for THE friend for anyone else.
I expect those feelings to never be reciprocated.
I expect that I will always get tired of my natural hair color and always go back to blonde.
I expect that almost all calls after midnight are usually either booty calls or bad news.
I expect that the feeling of running away will come soon, again.
I expect that the dishes in my sink will stay there until I either don’t have any dishes left to use or I get seriously bored one day.

Those are the things that I can usually count on in life. No surprises there. However, while chatting with my GBF earlier we were joking about finding “husbands” somewhere. He said that I need to lower my expectations. This I won’t do. First, because I tried and it didn’t work and second what the hell is wrong with having an expectation that I want to date someone who I feel connected with. Since when was that a bad idea?

To some girls, settling means that they find a guy less attractive or with less money or with a lessor job than they planned. To me, settling is to find someone that I don’t connect with. It’s that simple. I don’t have strong connections to many people. I have a crapload of friends or acquaintances but few strong connections. These are the people that I’d spend my last dime on, ones that I’d let live in my space, ones that I give more of myself to than I’ve done with anyone else. These people are the ones that know my secrets, almost all my secrets.

So, no. I’m not going to settle in that area. I guess if that means it’s just me, my BFF and a lot of dogs when we grow old and are pulling our insignificant social security check at the end of the month then so be it. I suppose I should start expecting that as well then.

Things aren’t always as simple as changing a mindset. Some days maybe I wish things were that easy. I’d do the whole “Poof” and now I actually want to marry any one of the last few guys that have asked. But no, I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of expectations that are so low in my daily life that there’s not much room for error.

I think this solar eclipse (singing Total Eclipse of the Heart each time I say that) has me feeling strange. A bit anxious, maybe a little sad and something that I’m not quite sure of. I’m sure that the horror movie I just watched didn’t really help that mood much. It’s now time for a run I guess and then bed I guess. I’ll just go about my expected routine tonight.

Hope you’re having a great week. What’s your mood music?

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Love will conquer all and other silly things…

It’s a Monday for sure today. I’m feeling it and people are being way over-dramatic today. Either that or I’m just feeling very calm, not sure which. I’m over today already and it feels like it just began.

So, yet another, quote was sent to me this morning, which is funny on several counts. First, everyone “assumes” they know why I won’t talk about my “feelings” so they’re sending these silly quotes that they think will help but since I’m not really communicating with them as to what’s been going on they’re all pretty much off base.

Today’s first quote was, “Love will conquer all”. I’m really sure that this is not correct. Love doesn’t cancel out bad choices, bad behaviors, disrespect or just piss-poor judgement. What love CAN do it help to understand the situation from the other persons perspective but that does NOT mean that it’s ok. But understanding doesn’t really help much if the other person isn’t even aware nor apologetic for their mistakes. If they choose to see only what’s in front of them then there’s no amount of love that will change the outcome.

Love does also NOT conquer all when you turn down your fifth marriage proposal to a really good guy. I have been lucky to have some great men in my life but being able to distinguish that they were not meant for me to be with long term is a gift that maybe they’ll understand one day. Sure, I could say yet because I’m tired of waiting for the family and next part of my life to start but then realize in a few years that this wasn’t anything that I actually wanted. One day, he’ll understand, I hope.

I am officially single now and I’m sure that I’ve upset him enough that he won’t be seeking out my communication for a while. Between that, a friends lack of empathy or concern of his actions and a few other things, August has not been a great month. Is there a way to detox your life? To cleanse it? If I was Superman, this is where I’d run around the earth to rewind time. I think I’d have done a lot different. Now, I just need to work on the “No regrets” part of things.

If I say it enough “Everything happens for a reason” does it make it true? If you believe in positive affirmations or the power of attraction like The Secret, then I suppose I could repeat anything like a mantra and it be so.

My GBF is concerned because I’m not communicating with him and apparently I haven’t for a while. I do actually feel like there’s a point where saying the same thing that’s bother you over and over again becomes like beating a dead horse. (Wow, that’s a horrible phrase.) Also, I suppose I’m supposed to tell people when I’m going to be hiding out in my fortress of solitude for a while with no human interaction. Um, I thought a text message did that but apparently I am wrong, not to mention that we’d seen each other Saturday anyway. I finally caved because I’m exhausted at arguing and said “Oh BTW, I’m going into seclusion for another 6 1/2 days.” This number was arbitrary but I was trying to get a point across. Unfortunately, I didn’t because I’m not being very eloquent today.

Oh well, today is not a day for any thing major to happen or it shouldn’t be anyway. I’m not feeling up to par for much whether it be health or emotions. I’ll go sweat it out after work and hope that is sufficient for me.

So, in closing, if the saying was true that “Love will conquer all” I’m pretty sure there would be a lot more happy people in this world. It is a nice thought though,

Hope you’re having a great day and Good morning!

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