Making Change… The Wrong Way.

There’s a grocery store that I frequent that makes you insert a quarter in to a cart to use it but you get it back when you return the cart. Smart right? Except for those of us that never have quarters. Today I went to get the usual steak, eggs, yogurt, raspberries and coffee and there was already a cart there that someone didn’t get their quarter back. I used the cart but instead of getting the quarter back I decided to just leave it for the next person. Except, the guy next to me who returned his cart and got his quarter back looked at mine and got that quarter too.

There’s a reason I just delved into that boring segment of my life. That instance shows you someone character. He didn’t say, “Excuse me ma’am you left your quarter.” He basically just did that and lowered my impression of him without even knowing him for only the price of a quarter. Watch people long enough and without a word you can tell by their actions who they are.

This leads me to my Friday night. A few weeks ago my GBF had scheduled a beach day for a few of us. We were all going to take off work and just go “beach it” for the day but something came up and we ended up not going. Then another friend of mine asked if I wanted to drive with him to the beach for some errand. I said sure. That fell through. Then at the last minute my crazy friend decides to ask if I wanted to run an errand with her… at the beach. Well, guest what else was at the beach that I thought I wouldn’t be going to… Yep, the drummer had a gig. It has been too long since I’d seen him and thought I’d have to miss this show too but some weird mind fuckery made it possible for me to go and see my obsession for the evening.

My crazy friend and I hadn’t really spoken in a while which made it all that more weird. We went and did the errand and then arrived at the venue just after 10… Damn he looked good. He’d apparently given me this huge smile when he saw me. After we’d been there a few minutes we got a table at the front next to these two guys. My crazy friend started talking to the less attractive one (in my opinion) which in turn meant that the other friend had to come talk to me.

As far as I was concerned I never go to bars to pick up men. I wasn’t an asshole to him but my body language never showed any interest in this guy. It didn’t seem to matter. However, the first thing this guy asked me was, “Is he your husband”. I shit you not. I think I looked at him like he was crazy but HE also said, “I just thought he was because I saw him when you walked in”. Seriously though, he does have the cutest smile when he looks at me but no where in that smile does it say, “She’s my wife”.

Towards the middle of the evening the friend (pink hat guy) kept trying to fix my vape pen which stopped working the moment we got there. At one point he’d left and I thought he was just in the bathroom but had traveled to two different convenience stores to try to replace it. Just a little too much. When I’d gotten up at one point and this guy (pink hat guy) was almost following me the drummer went on a break and got right between us and asked me to grab his ass cause it was soaked with sweat. I think that’s the point where pink hat guy just sat in a chair and pouted.

Fast forward just a bit and here comes mint shirt guy. Now, this guy was interesting. First, he’d come over and offered to buy me a drink which I declined because it was a long drive home. I then introduced him to my crazy friend and said she likes to drink and asked if he’d purchase her one which he did. He then turned back to me and starts saying the dumbest shit. The guy was only 25 and I made him show me his license to prove it. He kept saying things about “cougers” and that he always wanted someone with “experience”. He was slightly entertaining but I was mainly just talking to him because then I didn’t have to look at pink hat guy who I actually felt bad for. At some point the drummer came over and said, “Come on, lets go outside”. Then mint shirt guy decided that I was “taken” as well.

So, just to count that’s two down and I really didn’t have to do anything. There was slutty dancing girl who felt me up like a table dancer at one point and blue shirt guy who was just drunk and fun and who came and danced with me but the night was fun. I was pleasantly surprised that when I finally went to bed at almost 6 in the morning that I had a really good time with the drummer, my crazy friend and even the weirdo’s who frequent that bar.

I’m afraid to tell him the stories from Friday night in case they freak him out because he doesn’t want to appear to be anything but single. But it kind of freaks me out too because I didn’t think our chemistry was THAT strong. Well, actually I did but didn’t truly believe it till now.

The one part that bothers me the most though is that I was technically the “single one” and I declined 2 numbers and a facebook add. My crazy friend just gave her number and facebook to whoever asked for it. Seriously? Yes, this is my married friend. We did have a long talk when we got to my place where we talked about the fact that she can’t have a husband, a boyfriend and several Misters… It’s just not right. If I can reject all the ones I did why can’t she?

We also talked a bit about the drummer because my crazy friend got to witness our chemistry first hand and so could, apparently, all the other guys. I’m not even mad about this. I don’t really know what about that evening that I liked so much but maybe it’s because I liked the idea of feeling like I was his, as far as these other guys saw. I liked that. I wasn’t a fan of the “husband” comment but still liked that pink hat guy knew I wasn’t “available”. But that night must have been close to the full moon because I didn’t particularly look great. It was hot and humid and my hair looked like a cat hairball. My clothes were just basic and drenched in sweat. I thought my lipstick was too dark and my eyes were too black. Somewhere I was getting hit on like crazy but I was only there for one thing and for one guy. He’s all that mattered to me.

These are the nights when I’m kicking myself because these are the nights I want to be with someone I’m actually dating. Those feelings, those conversations that always seem like there’s more to say but we don’t have time. Those smiles… OMG… Those smiles. There’s a few videos where I’ve caught him smiling at me and it’s just the cutest thing in the world. When he’s up on stage doing his thing I’m just so super happy and proud that we know each other. In those moments I am privileged,  blessed and happy.

These are the moments that, as much as I want to live in the moment, I have to realize that we are not THAT couple. We are not even a couple at all. I just know that one of his shows one of his other women will show up and it’ll just get weird after that. My crazy friend said that being around us together you can just feel that energy between us. That’s some strong fucking energy… Life really is unfair sometimes. It’s unfair because those are the moments that I actually want to be a couple. I left there that night with a sense of pride, excitement and just of having a great time without complications or drama. I really did love it and while the drummer and I didn’t get to do anything nasty, when we’re together doing nothing it still feels like we’ve done something if that makes sense. I will also say that my crazy friend said the look on his face when I said we were leaving that she could tell he was actually really sad to see me leave. But then again she’s also my “crazy” friend.

It’s probably good that I don’t see him more because as you can already tell I’d be in trouble. I’d be in so much trouble. This way, the time we spend apart actually decreases that “obsessive” part, almost reboots it so it doesn’t keep intensifying. It’s just so hard that we get along so well, have such a great time and there’s nothing he does or says that I don’t like or don’t get. There will soon be more parts of him than anyone else in my intention setting jar.

If I rub the bottle three times and he comes out of it then this universe has some really funny, mind fuckery going on. Life does have a sad sense of humor to put someone in front of me that is kind of perfect for me and yet someone who isn’t looking for the same things I am.

The bits in between seem so minimal compared to Friday and I really don’t want to like this so much but I’m trying to live in the moment. So I enjoy all while still being realistic because nothing lasts forever. I’m going to leave you with a song that he keeps playing or wanting me to play or it happens to come on in a bar we’re in. I could girl brain this to death except he’s already admitted that all the nice shit he says is bull so chances are that he’s played that song for other girls too but it’s a great song. Nite xXx

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Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

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Romancing the Stoned…

I’ll share something that I rarely do. It’s a recipe. I’m a half-ass paleo. Yep, that’s me without the whole “In your face with it 24 hours a day” self. Tonight has been the first night in a long while that I decided to stay home and cook. While I’m actually a really good cook, I barely ever do. I have some sort of phobia of leftovers. It’s a thing, I swear. However, tonight, the spaghetti squash that I bought a while ago was giving me the saddest look so I decided to finally cook it and because it was awesome I’m going to give you my recipe at the end of this post, which was smashed together from about 5 different pins on pinterest.

Before my recipe I’ll let you about my day today. First, if I see one more heart shaped anything I’m going to stab it. I have never been a fan of a forced holiday even if it does promote love. Second, even when I was in a relationship with someone I’d usually choose to spend this day with friends that were single. It just made more sense. Do we really need a day to say, “Hey honey, I need to prove my love to you by buying you something expensive so in the hopes that you’ll reciprocate on steak and bj day?” I have no problem reciprocating but I also don’t need a day that tells me to do it. My boss was all excited about his steak and bj day and all I could think is, “Why does that only happen on one day of the year? That’s weird.”

I bring this up because an old FWB called the other day. He’d asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I couldn’t think of anything worse so I declined but he has been pretty pushy about it. He and I had LOTS of fun back in the day but we’d both gone our separate ways a long time ago. I finally just asked him what his deal was and his response was, “I’ve been dreaming about you lately. Nothing crazy but it made me miss you. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot lately.”

I understand the whole, “In your dreams” thing. Trust me but I’m not sure it always means that you need to see that person. Maybe it means that there’s unresolved issues or something. But what I do remember about him was that he was a romantic pothead. He was sweet but knowing we were just having fun he’d do these weirdly romantic things that I’d expect a boyfriend to do.

When I was telling someone about this today, it brought up the whole romantic or sexy conversation. I think he was trying to get pointers for his V-Day. I told him I was a bit weird but I write about what I think is sexy a lot. I guess I don’t really write about what is romantic to me. Sometimes they’re one in the same I guess. It’s been such a long time that I have no idea if any of these things would work on me anymore 😦 . That’s a sad thought. Also, I can’t even tell when someone is flirting anymore. I just assume they’re all being nice until they respond with some blatant outburst. That’s what I need, blatant outburst.

I just got of the phone with my friend from the northeast. He’d made the comment to me that I probably don’t want a “normal” life. I told him that the more and more I grow up the more I crave some sort of normalcy, some sort of routine. I do want that right now. The house, the 2.5 kids, the husband. I’m just not sure when or if that’s ever going to come. I know. I say that a lot. It’s just, when it was right in front of me, for the taking, I didn’t know I wanted it or wasn’t ready. So, I pray. I know what I want now. That should make things easier right?

Hope you’re all having a great week. I have no idea what my weekend has in store for me yet.

And below is the recipe if you’re interested.

1 spaghetti squash – (because I’m lazy) cook in the microwave for about 20 minutes. After 10 minutes stab it about 20 times but don’t stab yourself. It WILL be effing HOT so use a mitt or something. Then put it back in to cook for the remainder on the opposite side. Let it sit in the microwave for another few minutes. Put a pan on the stove. Put on low heat and add garlic, butter and lemon juice (a crap load). While that’s all merging together, cut the squash in two. It’s best to use a serrated knife or you might run the risk of it sliding and dropping on your foot which would suck because it’s hot and heavy. So you’d have a broken burnt foot. Then, with a fork scrape the crap out of the inside and dump in the pan. Turn the heat up a bit and since there will be so much squash, more than you’ll ever need, put more butter. I put some basil in there too and lemon salt. Cook for about another 10 minutes. Next, dump a crap load of parmesan cheese and turn off the heat. Now go do something for about 5 minutes, whatever. Now eat it and love it because you’ll be eating it for days. I’m not kidding. There’s a shitload of extra. Anyway enjoy that.

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Inappropriate conversation day… with some randomness.

If you can think of the most inappropriate conversations you’ve ever had, multiply them by ten and that’s what’s happened today. Luckily, I’ve got some sick and twisted friends which are awesome. One of the most important things to me is that a friend be a bit off, have a sense of humor and be fun. Sure we can have serious talks but there is nothing better than the type of laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach and your cheeks hurt afterward. I have a bit of a twisted mind so anything goes. That’s the rule and there are no rules.

That’s probably another thing I should ad to my list for a man. If he can make me laugh, even just a little bit, he’s got me. I find it much easier to be the joke teller or the sarcastic responder than the one who someone can make laugh. It was always my goal at family gatherings to get my father or brother to laugh because that meant something was really funny.

Today was a nice break from my normal crapfest during tax season. It’s such a bland, boring yet important time of the year and I usually go a bit bat-shit crazy but not this year. I’m looking forward to so many things and focusing on those things instead of numbers, which is weird cause I’m a numbers gal. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friend tomorrow night. Looking forward to an evening at the spa on Friday night because I damn well deserve it. Then I’m looking forward to the weekend and not just because it’s Superbowl but because it should be a really fun time too.

The only problem I foresee is this. First, one of my app addiction is flipboard. It’s the only way I get my news nowadays. One of the article on there today was about how alcohol makes you horny… (such a stupid word). I suppose the adult version is “alcohol gets you excited”. This is such a bad thing. I’m already overly excited half the time (most of the time) now so with alcohol in me???? That’s just going to make it ever so hard. I’m attracted to my friend and he and I have gone down that path before so I might have to either not drink that much OR fib my way into disregarding my own personal safety and going home that night. He doesn’t want us there so I will not be the instigator.

The last thing I would want to do is make him feel awkward at this stage. He’s been great lately and while it wouldn’t change things for me, he might start to pull away after so there’s that. It’s only a small thing on my mind which I’ll file under “no need to worry about stuff that won’t happen” folder. However, it would be fun.

The one thing that I really need to focus on and soon is getting back into my fitness and healthy eating routine. Going out for a month long birthday celebrations has it’s drawbacks and I feel so unmotivated. It’s weird. I was doing so well toward the end of the year then people visiting and partying. I need to start going back to the gym immediately after work and preparing my meals ahead of time. For a while there, I wasn’t eating much, if anything, at all and had recently lost 12lbs by accident but I wasn’t complaining. If I could just do it the healthy way. This is why I need a personal trainer and chef. There was a time when I was almost at my goal and I felt great, looked good and realized that I really could do anything with the right motivation. Maybe I’ll pretend that I’ll be walking down the aisle in a few months and need to get into the most beautiful dress ever. I’ll have to put that one my vision board to see if that helps.

Well, that’s my random rambling tonight and now it’s back to numbers for a few hours. Hope you’re having a great week. More rambling to come, I’m sure.

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Answered Prayers and Altered Realities…

Why is it that when I pray about or for someone else God seems to hear me but when I pray about myself, nothing seems to change? Now that I’ve asked that I’ll ask this. Who do you pray for and what do you pray about? This is a strange topic for me, being that I’m not religious but I’ll answer those latter questions that I’ve asked of you. I pray for world peace. Just kidding. Beauty contestants do that enough for all of us. I pray for my BFF, that she stay well, be happy and make the right decisions in her life. I pray for my niece, that she be healthy, happy and safe. I pray for my friend that seems to always be on the wrong path of life. I pray that he finds peace, happiness and that he finds acceptance with his state of mind and that he lives a great life. That being said, I prayed for a few different things for him last night and at least one of them appears to have come to fruition today. Not sure I had anything to do with it but still. I always wonder what they all pray for. It’s always seemed a bit strange that right before you go into bed, you kneel, clasp your hands together and talk to someone that you can only have faith is listening to you. I suppose it brings comfort and some sort of clarity once the words pass your lips but it’s still strange none-the-less.

Today has been strange in all parts. My ex was being a bit of a brat today. We watched John Wick over the weekend and there’s a scene in there with a puppy. If you’ve seen it then you know what I’m talking about but it had me crying like a broken water faucet. Here’s the thing, I don’t cry. Very few people have witnessed this and I didn’t think I would have but it came out and he’s not let me forget it since. Any normal human should have cried over that. But regardless, he’s annoyed me and we were supposed to watch the meteor shower Thursday but I told him I couldn’t because I had to work. That seems to be my “go-to” excuse these days when I’m just not feeling it. Instead, I’d still like to watch it but I’m in need of having something let me sleep a few hours, wake me at 3 in the morning so we can watch for a few hours then go back to sleep for a while and wake me back up with a lot of coffee. I need to be rich so I can afford to pay someone to do that. I don’t usually stay mad for long so he might get to take me out Sunday, to the movies, like we’d planned. We shall see.

Even before all that annoyance though I was woken up by my “brother from another mother” who lives in the east coast, DC, New York, I don’t even know anymore but he was asking when I was coming to visit him. He’s offered an expense paid vacation and I really need to go see him. It’s a business expense for him so that’s a bonus but I need to get the hell outta here for a while. Go somewhere. Do something new. This town and these people are boring me so much right now. I’m not looking forward to anything and that’s a problem. When that happens I tend to get antsy and start looking for homes and jobs in random cities. One day I’ll actually do it. I don’t think there’s anything left here for me. It would be different if some of the extremely vivid dreams I’ve been having would come true but they are not and my mind feels heavy. I feel the need to have someone perform a trepanation on me. As they say, this too shall pass, I hope.

After that this morning, I found out my ex FWB went to save a friend of his that was getting beaten her boyfriend and they got into this fight where he (the ex FWB) actually didn’t hit back. His daughter was in the room and he didn’t want her to see that side of him. He’s a tall, buff guy. Back in the day he used to be a fighter and could probably take on anyone but he’s grown up and realized that he never wanted his daughter to meet that side of him. I have much respect for him for so many things that happened last night and now the poor guy is staying in a hotel because he’s new third wife is insane and he’s probably going to get a divorce, again. What a weird set of events that occurred for him. He’s a really sweet guy, never was too terribly smart though but he seems to have grown up a lot from the guy I met years ago. Good for him.

There’s a bunch of other stuff that happened that brings the scale of weird way past where it should be but the truth is, I’m so tired tonight I don’t even want to rehash it all. I guess you could say that I’m in a weird mood tonight. I will say this though, after seeing the temperature earlier and the “feels like” at 115 it’s nice to hear the pitter-patter of the rain drops tonight. It’s a bit comforting. Apparently comfort is what I’ve been searching for lately as I’m not getting it anywhere. I’m not sure I’ve ever really had it much. I’ve also never really confided in anyone. Well, not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Who actually wants one person to know that much about you though? It seems like such a weapon that you hand over, freely. Maybe that’s the wrong approach. I don’t know anymore. I told you I was in a weird mood today, tonight. This blog is my outlet and hopefully it won’t use any of my truth against me at a later time.

I’m going to, hopefully, go to sleep soon as my dreams are much better than my reality right now. Hope you all had a great day. Maybe I’ll bathe this mood off me. Good Night.

Sleep To Dream By: Fiona Apple