Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. 😦 It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.

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Cleaning Up and Reinventing the Normal. 

One of the guys from work was nice enough to bring in a stomach bug from one of their kids and pass it on to me. I’ve been a mess for two days now and finally starting to feel better now. Being sick gives you time to do nothing, which usually I hate. Today it gave me time to work on my to-do list. Problem is I’m great at making the list but not so good on the follow through.

I started with something small, like cleaning up my phone. This is the first time ever that I’ve kept all text messages without deleting them. I still kept them today but it makes me feel like my phones a mess. Some people like to keep conversations so that they can come back to them later and say, “See, I told you I said that”. I hate to be the “I told you so” person so I have no reason for keeping them. I went to my “favorites” for some reason. I never use that feature but there’s only four people there. My BFF, my boss, brother and my GBF. I should probably actually put more of my favorite people in that list but I don’t really care about it. I’d put THE friend in there because he is one of my favorite people but I think I’m still scared that he won’t stick around so I don’t.

Other things that made it to my to-do list? I want to actually clean my patio and make it a nice sitting area so that I’ll stop smoking in my place. I know that’s gross but I walk around so frequently without pants on I can’t really step outside the front door. Every once in a while I’ll go out there and watch the stars or the moon or rain. I like to be one with nature and for some reason, lately, I’ve really wanted to go camping or on a hike or something. Some would say that they could never see me doing that stuff but I actually like it. I’d leave my flat iron at home and take a walk in the wild for a day or two. Just as long as it’s not the normal. You know how I hate boring.

Truth is, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do that doesn’t really seem like me but I don’t really have many adventurous friends. They’re all settled with family and those days are past. I like being spontaneous. THE friend is spontaneous, like this past weekend. I had fun doing things I hadn’t done before. Problem there is, in my mind, he’ll leave again and then I’ll be left with all these ideas of stuff we COULD have done. I don’t want that again. So I’m cautions in my planning. I wish I could be relaxed about us and just enjoy each moment. Easier said than done. There’s nothing tethering us to each other so there will always be that possibility. In my mind he’s always off trying to find someone new to occupy his time with and I’m trying to find someone to replace him when he leaves. That’s kind of shitty huh?

I really need to take a good hot bath but don’t have the energy. Being sick takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I’m always sick though. To add to my future husband list, I’d like him to get me healthy or at least help me get healthier. It’s amazing, I’ve dated three personal trainers in my life and I’m still not close to where I want to be. It’s a lot harder than you think it is. I’d also like to add personal grocery shopper to that list and someone who records movies for me to watch later. Apparently being sick makes me think of all the things I want in a man. I just looked at the weather and it makes me a little happy to know that it’s going to rain. I really love the rain. I’m going to try to walk a trail tomorrow night, even in the rain. I’ve missed it. Walking and running are my meditation.

It’s weird when I think of all these things that go into my future husband list and with each item I also think about the things that I’d do for him as well. I read this article the other day about “flipping the switch” and the man being a stay at home ‘whatever’ and the woman working. It talked about social norms and how things are so much different now. Just as all ‘ab-normal’ relationships intrigue me so does this. I’ve always been an independent woman and the idea of not working freaks me out. If my other half did all the things that the past female role was for then I’d be ok with that. Even with having kids, he’d provide the ingredients, I’d cook he bun and he’d nurture it, I’d be ok with that too. I just that’s why I’d always dated these dominant assholes that believed in the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen roles because I always knew I’d never fall for it. No, I want those things and the tables turn. I hate cooking and cleaning but I like to work. See how that works?

The things I think about as I’m living in the bathroom for two days. Oh well, one can wish. I’ve just been invited to another wedding in a few weeks. Those are always fun without a date but my BFF will be there so we can eff off and do stupid shit together. Who knows, maybe we’ll actually find some decent men to hang around for the night.

Okay, so all that was a bunch of random crap I felt like writing tonight. I have no real words that are coming up anymore. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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27 Days of Music – The J’s… with some ramblings.

My week has been strange but strange is my normal so, there’s that. My emotions have been all over the place, I’ve gotten pampered a bit (by a tiny Asian lady) and I’ve gotten little sleep. Between work, private client work and dreams my sleep is not even close to being where it needs to be. I should put an ad out: “Needed – warm man’s body to sleep next to for a night, do some manly things around the house and possible more.” Cold weather and crappy sleep absolutely makes me miss having another person to spend the evenings with that can cuddle, play and just sit next to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching lately and I’m shocked that I ever had any man stay as long as they did, in a relationship. I’m not forthcoming with the “L-word”, I don’t physically show affection and I feel pretty awkward most of the time. It’s hard, coming from a family that doesn’t or didn’t show emotion so I’ve never really been taught much. I’m not one to initiate anything and never have been but that doesn’t mean I don’t need things.

The things I need is probably, not only laundry list of stuff, but also not much different than anyone else. I’ve said before that I heard somewhere that people need seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to be emotionally healthy. The compliments I get. The other, the hugs and kisses, I don’t get and it’s my own fault. I’ve visualized that actions or what I wanted to act on but just don’t do it. I don’t know if it’s more to do with fear of reject but rather fear of reaching out into an unknown. I’m sure many an ex would have said that I was never affectionate enough and if they thought that they really should have said that. If there’s a game plan in place, if I know what needs to happen or what someone needs then I can do that but when it comes down to a guessing game type of situation I suck at it.

I remember, in high school, there was this boy. He was in a coupled relationship with a friend of mine for years. I always assumed they’d be married but I don’t think they are. Anyway, he’d called me one night and out of no where he said, “Every time I’m around you I just want to kiss you.” I was always flattered by this and always remembered it but never knew what to do with it. I remembered saying thank you and that he’d never know what that was like because I’d never kiss him back because of my friendship with the girl. It was a strange thing that I remember because it happened a lot but that made me feel both sexy, unattainable and uneasy in the same breath. It’s kind of like those situations where someone tells you that they’ve always wanted to have sex with you and you know that once they do the chase is over so you don’t do it with the knowledge that, secretly, they’ll always want to and you had the power to change that but decided to keep that power anyway.

That would be the reason that one night stands don’t work for me much and the fact that I put my pants on before the guy has time to make a sandwich or that’s what I’ve done in the past. This is where my past stays there and my future or present makes things different. I want different things now and I want to try to be the girlfriend that someone needs and wants.

I was making fun of my ex today, at work, because his wife doesn’t do any housework, cook, clean or anything outside. He said he did everything. I know he loves her anyway but I wouldn’t want that type of relationship. I’m all about the equality. This is not about gender roles but about the compromise of equal work.

It’s as if I’ve taken all the bad from all the past relationships and have put in place some sort of manifesto for the next one, so it’s on point. So all my thirty something years has taught me what’s good, what’s bad and what needs work. The next guy needs to know that this will have taken years of research to try to get it right. But, with that said, there is no pressure to make things work out forever because I don’t expect that. Going into a new year with no expectations absolutely has its privileges, for me and the next guy.

Those are my, bit tipsy, words tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.

Enjoy the music:

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Ways to win my heart and other weird information…

I was talking with a new voice today at work and getting my flirt on, for a favor, and he’d asked me “What does it take to impress you?”. I give him balls for asking the question but I can only assume this came out because, even though I was flirting, I was also very aloof and completely stoic when it came to him. So, I started thinking, it’s really an easy question.

I am not impressed with money nor am I impressed with men that have only one side, which is always a sensitive side. I’m not looking for a savior or a sinner but someone in between. I’m not looking for young or old but someone in between. I’m searching for someone that can make me laugh which isn’t that easy. I’m not looking for someone who’s got the best job, nor the best car but someone who can challenge my knowledge and take me on a ride of adventure, even if we never leave the house.

I’m looking for a man that can hold his own with me, make me feel safe and important and that I can get lost in but always find my way out. He doesn’t need to entertain me every second of every day nor does he have to fill any voids that might be inside. I want someone who’s real enough to experience truth with but imaginative enough to think outside the box.

I need a man who notices the little things, like the fact that I don’t own an umbrella and probably should. I need someone who not only changes an empty roll of toilet paper but also puts it in the right direction. Apparently, that’s a skill that not all men share. I’d like a man who refills the water jug, knows where the soap is when it runs out and shares a space with me and doesn’t overwhelm it. He needs to know things, like my favorite scent, my favorite flower and knows me well enough to put together the most amazing mix CD or playlist when I’ve had a shitty day or am not feeling well.

A man who makes room for you on the couch even if he’s really into whatever he’s watching is my kind of perfect. A man who goes and gets my mail because he knows it would probably take me a month to go get it. I’d like a man to make me a watch queue on netflix because he knows I’ve never seen those movies. A man who puts extra socks on me because he knows that my feet are always effing freezing. These are all things I wish for.

They all sound simple enough right? I suppose if you find the right guy, that guy that you click with no matter what, that other stuff doesn’t matter but I guess my whole point is simplicity is perfect to me. I’ve had the diamond ring, the expensive car and the arm candy and none of that worked. It was never what I wanted. It was only what I was distracting myself with at that moment. I’m no longer looking for a distraction. I’ve had boyfriends and I have best friends but I’ve never had a best friend/boyfriend combo. I want that.

Having a year where I’ve lost a lot of friends and family makes you realize that time is not insignificant. Time is fleeting. Time is escaping us one second at a moment. Days, months, years count. You never seem to want the things that are right in front of you until they’re gone. Times isn’t something to be wasted.

These are all just the passing thoughts of finishing off another year and looking into the next. It’s not supposed to be a somber post, just a real one. I’m calling out to anyone who thinks that time is on their side, that they’ll always be a tomorrow, that you’ll always have a chance to get back something you’ve lost in the past. This is why you must be kind, always tell the ones you care for that you do and never take anything for granted.

No, I didn’t get any earth shattering news today. I’m just feeling nostalgic for things that I’ve never had in reality only in theory or dreams. But the best part of the New Year is that, to me, all things are cleansed to start anew. You can make amends. You can find something you’ve lost or someone that you’re missing. It’s all a chance or a “do-over” as I like to call it which is hopeful.

So, after the hangover wears off, after the black eyed peas have been scarfed down and after you’ve popped your 12 grapes after midnight, wipe your slate clean.

If I don’t get a chance to write tomorrow, have a happy, safe and wonderfully memorable New Years!

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New Beginnings

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Baby steps…

I just got back from seeing my friends new baby today. There was this perfect, tiny package of her posterity. She did it all by herself. There he laid, asleep, in my arms without a care or concern in the world. Aside from a few smacks on the butt, he’d never been hurt, never been lied to and never seen pain. He was a pure blank slate. I have to be honest here and say I think my uterus cried a few tears of joy in that moment. He was just so new.

Isn’t that what life is truly about though? Isn’t it about finding someone who you can tolerate to co-parent a child for at least eighteen years with. Finding someone who’s faults and flaws can counter act yours and who can highlight the blessings and positive energy that you both share? Otherwise, what’s the point in this whole dating business?

This is why I find it so hard to continue to have patience or let someone court me who I know is someone that is so inferior to my end game. I am not and have never looked for perfection. I search for a connection, a truth, a bond that can’t be overwritten by someone flaws. This is where I find myself biting myself in my own ass because that bond or connection is so hard to come by. It’s usually somewhere half way between a first date where I find myself already picking out what’s wrong with this person. I’ve tried to “wait for the connection” or “wait for the spark” but I feel if it’s not there in the first few moments, it’ll never come.

If someone’s too young, too old, too crazy or not crazy enough, what’s the point? Why waste either of your time? Just so the other side of the bed isn’t too cold on a chilly night? That sounds selfish and stupid to me. There’s just no reason for that. I know that if I can finally find someone that I’ll let take care of me then I know he’s the one. I know that if I still care to hear the words coming out of his mouth by the time the main course comes then he’s the one. I know that when the room is quite and there’s no uncomfortable silence, there’s no “trying to impress”, when everything becomes easy… I’ll just know.

It’s an exciting proposition to know that this is still out there to experience. There’s a sort of found hope about something so new coming into this world. So tonight I am thankful for tiny, little, miracles. I’m in a happy and hopeful place right now and I’ll try to hold on to this as long as possible. It’s kind of a beautiful peaceful place.

Hope you found a little bit of perfect today.

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