Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 6

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

  1. No complaining – Check. My one good thing on Saturday was a lot of relaxing during the day and a little bit of excitement at night. I had a blast today.
  2. No spending money – Check. I didn’t spend a dime but I did a lot of stuff. 🙂
  3. Exercise – Nope. I did get some “exercise in” but not what’s commonly used as my exercise.
  4.  Eat healthy – I actually did eat pretty well for today, even though I would have used it for a reward day.
  5. Follow a strict routine – no need.

Basically I had a great day on Saturday.

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Happy VD…(Valentine’s Day)

Something you might not know about Valentine’s Day is that the actual day stems from Ancient Rome as a pagan fertility festival. This entailed sacrificing animals and whipping women with animal skins until they bled to signify their fertility. (Courtesy of Cosmopolitan through Flipboard) Sexy and romantic stuff right there huh? But that is not a precursor to my summation of today.

I had a pretty low key day while doing some cleaning, a bit of exercise and some napping. I’d had a long night last night so it was warranted. But THE friend came over, which is a good thing considering I thought he’d cancel in hopes that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea but he didn’t.

Tonight was good, as I sit here with my coconut oil face mask on going through the events. He kept off his phone the entire time which I would have complimented him on but he’d beaten me to the punch. He brought dinner. We had a decently pleasant connection going on. We were very playful and there was a situation with a printer that made me think he was going to lose it or scream but he kept calm and asked for help (I think, in his way).

Being that I decompress here though I’ll tell you the one thing that I didn’t like. While I’ve always been aware of his “lack of strong feelings” towards me aside from friendship, I feel like he says or does these things intentionally that are for the purpose of proving that there’s no feelings there. I want to scream, “I get it! You’re not attracted to me.”

The other part that’s hard is that we are so very similar in so many ways. He has these reactions to things that are a lot like mine except I can see why he’s done or said something and react how I’d want someone to react but then also trying to react in such a way to make sure he knows that I know that there’s no future with us. It’s kind of an exhausting process sometimes. But, the reason it’s hard to be similar and have a lot of things in common is because that’s the type of shit you want in a relationship.

So, we have all the ingredients of a good relationship like common interests, an understanding of each others flaws, a few friends in common, a history, a desire to fix what’s wrong and to hopefully support each other in life’s common goals and even though we have our bad days, we acknowledge them, bounce back and I don’t think either of us are afraid to admit our mistakes or to apologize for making them AND trying to fix the mistakes. Yes, all the ingredients of a great relationship except without the sex or dating each other. I’ve said before that this is the universe’s cruel joke on me.

But with being said, I enjoy our time together. I wished I wasn’t the Sunday, Wednesday girl because yes, I have some idea that there’s a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl as well and just maybe they get to see the fun parts of him more than I do. The fact of the matter is that I don’t care what he’s doing when we’re not together, as long as he’s not hurting himself in anyway by his behavior; however, it’s the idea that someone else gets to see a better side to him that I find myself being a bit jealous over. I don’t do jealous and I’d never admit that to anyone but you, on here.

At the end of the day though, I’ll take the Sundays and the Wednesdays because they work. I miss him sleeping over and am well aware that adults should probably not have sleepovers unless their friends are drunk but he provides a comfort that helps me sleep better. I’m happy to have not spent V-Day alone and I’m happy with our time together. I realize that most of the issues that came from tonight are mine and inside my head, not his. I also know that this friendship is teaching me how to be better in a relationship so maybe when “the one” comes along then I’ll be more than ready.

I also realize that his new state scared me for a while because I was afraid that he wouldn’t need me anymore. I’m also trying to not look at this relationship with an expiration date and to live in the moment more. I really do value more of him than he realizes and he does give me more than he thinks he has been able to give. It’s just in different forms. Some, he’ll probably never even know about.

All in all it was a good weekend. Hope you all did as well.

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Boundaries or no Boundaries… That is the question.

So, today marked the official end of my birthday celebration. My friend, THE friend, surprised me with a homemade birthday cake tonight and I was trilled. He also made dinner, made the menu for Superbowl Sunday and has been really great. I still feel as though there’s this weird strange divide between us. Problem is, I’m not sure who’s actually initiating this unspoken boundary.

I noticed tonight that every time we touched at the movies, I’d pull away or he’d pull away. We have lost that intimate feeling we used to have and I’m not sure it’s coming back anytime soon but that something that I really needed and need. There’s not a whole lot of people that I let get that close to me and he was one of the few. I realized how much I missed that, problem is, I think he’ll think it means more than it does and that’s why he’s not doing it. Stupid effing boundaries.

Here’s the other thing too, we still don’t really have something that’s just ours, which is super important to me. I want to know that “we” have an “only us” thing. And damn it if that whole drinking thing isn’t true… Yes, had one strong drink tonight and that was enough to make me giggle. I’m such a lightweight and I really need to stop doing that.

So here’s what’s going to happen on Sunday. I’m going to drink enough to get happy. I’m going to have a great time. Then he’ll say something like, “You can stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch”. Then I’ll be bummed and drive home anyway. And this is why I might just be the only control freak that allows someone else who’s a control freak to make my decisions based on my own personal safety because I obviously do not. I shouldn’t have driven right after that drink tonight and he might have forced me to at least drink some water but he’s trying to work on being too pushy or aggressive about stuff but I actually liked that because it meant that someone was looking out for me.

Here’s another problem too. I have tried for years to fall out of whatever emotions my heart has chosen to set aside for him and just when I think I’m there, there he is checking another effing thing off my box. (I realize that sounded dirty) But seriously, we like the same music which is so huge. There’s not too many people that listen to classical or instrumental these days and actually like it. Aside from that one it’s like if I had a note card with all the things I like in a guy I could just go down that list and check off so many of those damn things with him. But when I’m out with other men it’s like, “Yeah, so you are dumb and I don’t like you but you’re pretty AND interested so I guess I’ll keep ya around”. Life can be cruel at times. Especially with all of this.

One of the last letters my ex wrote before he passed said, “The man who finally puts your heart back together and that you allow to love you will be the luckiest man in the world.” Sweet right? Maybe he should have passed that message on. One of the things that scares me the most is that he realizes too late that he wants to be with me. You know, after 10lbs are gone, or because my hairs different or because I got botox or something. Because, with all that’s gone on, at the lowest state he’s been at, he’s been enough and that’s never wavered.

Make no mistake that I’m holding out hope for any of that though. It’s just really hard to date others when you feel that one of your closest friends is the one that you want, need and think about the most. Regardless of all that. I appreciate all that he does now. Now, if we can only find that sweet spot from before mixed in with the awesomeness of now.

I’m off to bed now.

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