Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicate if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

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Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 17.

1. One thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

  1. Best part of the day – I’m not sure I remember that long ago (it was two days ago).
  2. No spending – Check.
  3. Exercise – Check. I did 50 minutes.
  4. Eat healthy – Check.
  5. Follow a routine – Check.

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 3.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. Complaint free – Check. Again a few goods things about today. We had a bit too much fun at work joking around and trying to take our minds off the workload that we all have right now. It worked.
2. No spending money – Half check. I was given some money by someone at work today so I used that to splurge on something so I’m half considering this as checked. After all, I didn’t spend my normal money on anything today except groceries.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 40 minutes today before I realized that I need to take a rest day in between these workouts or I won’t stick with them again. I realize that it’s a really good thing that no one else is with me while I’m working out because red-faced, sweaty and probably stinky is not a good look on anyone. But I’m not doing this for anyone else so it’s a moot point.
4. Eat healthy – Check. We even had a catered lunch and I ordered my favorite healthy dish. Plus I’d forgotten just how much I liked that restaurant that we ordered from. Probably one of my top five favorites of all time.
5. Follow my routine – Check. So far I’ve checked this too. It’s still early and I’m sure my friends are getting frustrated at me for declining on them all week but they will have to deal.

I don’t really have any thoughts for today. Not that I didn’t think but none of it was so awesome that I feel like I need to write about it. I’m in a good mood right now so I’m going to go take advantage of this. xx

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And The Award Goes To…

Yep, I watched the Oscars and as I said the other night this will be the year that I’ve watched a lot of the movies that had been nominated. I was happy about that although there’s a few others that I want to see now. Ah, the movies. Life’s little pleasure that takes us out of our own life for just a moment and makes us become voyeurs to another. Sometimes these other lives are better and sometimes not.

That was also a “million dollar question”. What movie would you want to be in instead of your own life? I’m sure my answer back then was probably some Zalman King movie and catch me on a good day and it still would be but as far as a regular movie? I have no idea. I think, right now I’m stuck in between ‘Just Friends’ and the ‘Sweetest Thing’.

Now, speaking of ‘Just Friends’, I watched the award show with THE Friend and shockingly, don’t really have much to complain about. In fact, it reminded me a bit of the times that I’d been missing with the fun and playfulness. He even stayed over but not in that way. He slept on the couch which would not have been my first choice but it’s the only choice in his mind I suppose. If we can stay that way, not get into any ruts, big arguments and he can just be a bit less obvious with his blatant attempts to keep us in the friend-zone forever then I’ll be fine. I’ve always said that I know what we are, well, as far as “that” is concerned.

I liked the fact that while I was sleeping he was going about his morning very comfortably. I like that he feels that he can call this a second home if needed and I won’t even harp on the not picking up after himself. Truth is, I don’t actually mind that much as it’s kind of training for when I actually live with someone.

See, that’s a difference between he and I. He’s lived with a crapload of people, dating or roommates but I haven’t. My space is sacred and has always been until him. I like that I can come home, take my pants off before the front door is shut, kick off my shoes wherever I want and don’t have to make excuses for a mess or unclean dishes or whatever. I’m sure he’s taken sanctuary in many different homes with many different people but I’m good that this is new to me. See, he’s my first there…

I did wake in the middle of the morning sometimes in excruciating pain and reached for a pain pill that was left on my bedside table as a foreshadowing. Then, I seemed to have passed out again and woke sometime late morning. I made my coffee, ate a bowl of granola and worked from home for a bit. But in the interim of my pill coma I seem to remember having a dream about something strange. THE friend and I were camping and we were sitting around this camp fire and he was just talking about his life and I was so ensconced in his stories, his words that I didn’t realize that we were surrounded by shooting stars. It was just the two of us, with his words and shooting stars… WTH does that mean?

That is one thing that I like. I like listening to him when he talks about his family, or history or things he knows. Unfortunately, this communication is always salted with mean comments or shitty things he says but once I get past those things I actually hear not just listen to him. Most of the conversations I have with people are me staring at them intently while making a list of groceries to buy in my head. I’ve learned the subtle art of “Oh Wow!” or “Oh, my God!” intricately placed within someone’s sentences to give the appearance of my attention being paid to them. I suppose that sounds bad but I’ve already said that I don’t have much of an attention span so there’s that.

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk much about him anymore but I feel like I need to paint a better picture than the one I’ve given already and that means touching on the good points of him too. Some days those overwhelm the bad points and on those days I’m happy about our “ship”. He’s strangely been “my first” for a lot of things so he’s important. I do worry that we’ll grow into a rut and I still worry that he’ll take this for granted again and worst of all I’ll worry that he’ll find another, or better second home but until then I can still enjoy him, in (sadly) a none sexual way 🙂

Lastly, on another good note, even though I felt like roadkill today I still got my run in and my exercise. In the past, it’s been easy for me to neglect my exercise and fall off the wagon because I didn’t feel well. That’s how I know this is sticking this time because I need it for my sanity and because it helps in all things. I think I’ll amp things up tomorrow by adding something else.

In closing, I suppose the award goes to THE friend last night. Maybe that’s what he was saying in my dream. Maybe it was his acceptance speech 🙂 or maybe it was my subconscious just having him say nice things to me for an hour. Who the hell knows.

Hope you are all having a great week so far.

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My Day of Nothing…

Well, as predicted, I didn’t do anything today and mostly because my body didn’t want to but around 9ish pm I started to stare at my Fitbit. It was giving me this disappointed look. So, I got up from my computer and started walking. Then, that started to turn into a run. Then, before I knew it I was done with 10,000 steps and more, sweating beautifully and thankful that my body didn’t give out on me.

Since I’m a “routine girl” I usually get my workouts in over the week. It’s easier that way and most of the time my weekends have me running around doing all kinds of things that I don’t even need to think about “getting in m exercise” but today was going to be a lazy day, a recuperating day. I’m glad it ended up not being one of those days.

Now, I realize that my day, even at 11ish pm should be close to being over but it’s not. I’m trying to decide whether I should go meet friends or just stay in. I want to feel like I did something this weekend before he mundane week starts. But I’m sweaty, would need to shower and get ready and by the time I do all that it would be midnight. Blah, I have the social life of someone in their 20’s sometimes.

I have no idea what’s in store for tomorrow but all I ask is that it be a fun, relaxing and no expectations kind of day. I’m not sure if I’ll be watching the Oscars with THE friend since I’ve not heard from him but as I said, I’m having a no expectations day tomorrow. Course, ask me that again tomorrow night and see if that’s the same carefree answer.

Here’s a nice little story for you though. The sweat pants I started running in almost a month ago, feel off me tonight as I was running. Yep, that’s a good thing but what’s an even better thing is that they didn’t fall off when I was at the gym. That would not have been a pretty sight. Just saying…

On a completely different note. Over Christmas, my friend from the northeast had sent me some money. It was kind of a thank you for doing some work for him on top of a monthly payment. It was unexpected and very appreciated however, it’s been sitting in my wallet since then. A tiny little plastic card with my name on and lots of money. I wanted to do something fun with it and not just piss it away on something stupid but I can’t seem to think of what I want to use it for. I thought about taking a trip with it, buying something nice or paying for just a really fun day of something that I would remember. I have no idea what I want to do with it. Any ideas?

Anyway, I just wanted to write something. I guess I have to quickly decide what the rest of tonight will have in store for me. Hope you’re all having a great weekend.

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Both The Downside and the Upside of Being Healthier…

I’ve talked about my “paleo journey” before and how I always feel better while eating clean but there’s a few downsides to getting healthier as well. I’ll put up with them but I just want you to know that it’s not all sunshine and Rocky type glory over here.

First, I’m reading The Wild Diet By: Abel James He’s great and I’ve been following him for years but I also downloaded the audiobook because I knew I’d have better luck listen to it in the car. He talks A LOT about getting a healthier sex drive. Um, pretty sure that’s impossible for me. If my sex drive was any healthier I’d probably start humping random men in line at the grocery store buying my pasteurized, farm fresh, organic whatever.

Next, it’s actually a bit more expensive for me. That’s not much of a problem but so many of my friends assume that the only quality time we can spend together is going out to dinner. So, I give in and then I’m left trying to eat 7 pounds of kale and 8 pounds of wild catch salmon in one sitting which defeats the purpose. This means that I have to retrain social time. So, eating out less SHOULD compensate the difference or even save me money.

However, just to be on the safe side, I canceled my kickboxing class which was almost $500.00 a month. That’s a lot right now. I still have my gym membership and when I feel strong enough to go lift like a boss or have someone that can train me then I’ll back to that instead. But I do love my kickboxing and in the interim I have my Wii… Don’t judge me. The Wii is awesome. You can run, do yoga, dance AND kickbox. It is like a little trainer inside a little box.

How crazy do you all think I am now? Well, I know what’s worked for me in the past and I just need the motivation to keep this going forever now instead of the excuse that “Life got in the way”. Guess what? Life is the way. Yeah, seems like a simplistic thing to remember but I seem to forget that a lot.

But I went grocery shopping tonight. Worked out with my Wii. I took a nice relaxing shower and now the rest of the evening is mine, until someone breaks the silence and by someone I mean any one of my friends and because I’m scared of being un-zen’ed I’ve turned off my phone for the night.

The problem with getting healthier is that your friends are usually NOT on the same schedule as me which means they’ll be chugging soda, eating cake and loafing when I’m trying not to do any of those things. You can try to explain your situation but some just don’t get it. That’s why it’s nice to have at least one person in your life that’s kind of on the same path as you. You can eat the same foods, talk about the latest zen thing you’re into and maybe get healthy together.

So this was my early boring post tonight so that I can eat some hummus, strawberries with coconut whip cream and go to bed early… I never say that. Well, I might have said that but it usually NEVER happens. I usually always see the backside of midnight at the earliest. I also have a few things to put in my #jarchallenge. I have no idea why I hashtag that. I promise I’m not an asshole.

Hope you are all having a great week and I promise to not turn into one of those crazy paleo health nut bloggers, not that there’s anything wrong with that but this is more about my dating or lack of a dating life than anything.

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