Crazy ideas at 2 am…

It’s the holiday season. Can you feel it? It’s all about family and friends and joy. I feel it. Even on my bad days I still feel it. My mind is still not where it needs to be and a phone call letting me know someone in my circle (outer circle) had passed away last week didn’t help with that but I am still trying to stay in a good mood.

I realize that I shouldn’t “try” and that I should just BE in a good mood but I don’t think my mind works like that. I still feel disconnected and out of sorts if that makes sense. So, for some reason at 2 this morning I decided to join a dating app. Yep you read that right. Now, I’ve told you all stories about how I got on a couple other dating apps. One was a FWB’s that we’d sit around and play on it then another was a friend who set it up for me and paid for it because I lost a bet. I’m not a fan of dating sites. I don’t believe that’s an organic way of meeting people.

I have always felt that dating apps were forced interaction. You have to come up with something witty then continue some sort of dialogue that keeps you both entertained. Well, this is where my A.D.D. comes in to play. Usually I’ll talk to someone for a moment or two then I’ll get bored and if I don’t feel some sort of instant connection then it’s over before it began.

These are the reasons why I usually end up having the best relationships with someone who started out as a friend. Because we already have that connection, we get along and it’s not stressful trying to keep up appearances. We both already know each others quirks and it’s comfortable. My problem, especially now a-days, is that it’s hard to have that friend connection with a sexual attraction that keeps my body, mind and heart entertained. Also, since I’m so used to “checking out” of the outside world so much I need someone who’s cool with that or that has the ability to pull me back to reality.

My friend and I decided to drive to the beach Friday night out of pure boredom. We started a discussion about fate/destiny because I’d read this quote on some social media site that said, “You can’t fuck anything up that is meant for you. So stop being so scared (ego/fear) what will happen. Trust your intuition and let your heart and soul guide you on this journey. I promise you, you can’t mess anything up that is meant for you.”

I’d asked her if she believed in fate/destiny and if she believed in the quote that I’d read. It turned into a pretty interesting conversation. She said she believed in more than one soulmate where-as I do not. I believe that we have many soul connections but only one soulmate. I joked that I must have been taking a nap when my soulmate came knocking on my door.

I’ve had a lot of soul connections in my life, some were here for decades and some only short blips. Soul connections come to teach  you things. Make you remember things and wake things in you that you’d forgotten about. It doesn’t mean they stay. Some do though and maybe some of those turn into something deeper and maybe one of those turns into your soulmate. Who knows?

I do understand that each relationship is like a flower and you have to water, feed and even speak to it to let it grow. I have no problems watering and feeding any relationship except my problem is the talking to. I have a massive aversion to reaching out. I’ve said this before but I could be thinking of someone non-stop for days and still never reach out. I could blame it on being an Aquarius except it’s just a flaw of mine. There’s people in my life that I absolutely LOVE and if they didn’t reach out to me we’d have no contact what-so-ever. I’ve had soul connections with people that I’d never reached out to and it hurt. It hurts knowing that all I’d have to do is text, call or message some of these people and they’d be back in my life but I won’t, or don’t.

Those are the reasons that I’d asked my friend if she believed in the quote about, “You can’t fuck up what’s meant for you”. I’m not sure she really gave me a definitive answer but I hope that it’s true. There’s lots of people in my life that I’d like to have a better connection with and I leave it in fates hands whether they stay in my life or not. Maybe I do THAT out of fear/ego.

So what do I expect to accomplish through a dating app? I have no idea. The weird thing is that I don’t expect to meet anyone through it. Maybe I’ll have some weird but good conversations which I should probably be having with the men in my life that I already know but refuse to reach out to… Who knows. What I do know is that life happens in a strange way for me. Maybe I do meet someone. Maybe I meet them and start dating them then I take a trip around the world and decide that I fall in love with another part of the world and move there. That sounds amazing right now. But since that’s not going to happen immediately I have to find some way aside from just working out and going out to be happily surprised at life right now.

My friend, the other night, had said something that stuck with me though and it’s something that I’ve thought about and even brought up before. She said that she uses her heart too much or listens to her heart too much. That was her issue (her words). I’d said that I rarely listen to my heart and that I use my head all the time. She said maybe I should listen to my heart for once. The problem with this is that I think most men are used car salesmen. Not literally but they all want to sell you something. They want you to do something for them, they’re cashing in favors even before they’ve racked up points to use them. They’re full of lies and bullshit. I know that sounds like a very jaded version of men the truth here is that most of reaction to men is based off the ones that I’ve known through work, not even dated.

Most of the men that I’ve dated have been amazing men. They just weren’t for me. I know what I like. I do feel like Goldilocks at times. I think that one bed is too hard and one bed is too soft and I haven’t found the bed that’s just right. But whether or not any of that matters I think I’m going to conduct an experiment for the remainder of this year. I am going to use my heart instead of my head to do my thinking. Lets see how this works. I am intrigued to see what this experiment has to offer because right now, I feel so starved for intimacy that I am going crazy. Wish me luck. 🙂

Hope you all have the best week ever! xXx

Signs+of+a+soul+connection+soulmate

Occam’s Razor Part II and some real rawness…

It’s a day away from Thanksgiving where it’s all about thankfulness and giving and family and friends and gathering. I can’t actually tell how excited I am. I’m actually doing a quick turnaround trip going to the family Thursday morning and back home by Friday afternoon. My boss asked if it was because my family was getting on my nerves and my reply was, “No but this is how they don’t” I also told him he was getting on my nerves though. Luckily he’ll be leaving tomorrow for a week. This only reminds me that I am in need of a vacation so bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family, mostly my niece but will enjoy the rest as well. My biggest issue with all of them is that they passively aggressively ask me about my dating life. I really can’t stand that. If I ever get to the point to introduce them to someone I’m dating then maybe they’ll be quiet. I just haven’t ever been at that point.

When my crazy friend and I went to stay at my brothers a few weeks ago there was this point where she and my brother were talking in the kitchen while I was out on the trampoline. She said they were talking about me and my reply was, “Nope, nope you weren’t and no I don’t want to know”. I really don’t think some people understand just how secret I like to live my life. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong it’s just that it’s no one else’s business. If I want to talk about those things then I will.

I would say that out of all my social media crap I use Instagram the most and at best I only post 2% of my life on there. I don’t really know where this secrecy came from or why but some of it comes from the fact that when I do mention something that makes me happy it does seem to go away. Like there’s some sort of spell on me. I’m aware that sounds bat-shit and paranoid but I don’t really think someone put a spell on me but I do believe in bad energy from others seeping into my world which is probably why I try to do so much good.

The last time I was really having a good time… towards the beginning of this year. When the drummer and I were spending time together. At first, I didn’t tell anyone and especially my crazy friend. One day she’d seem some messages come through my phone that he’d sent that pretty much confirmed what we were doing and then she knew. I actually hated that she did. I hated that THE friend knew about us but I didn’t want to go to the drummers shows alone because that appeared to girlfriend-like.

The only friend that I didn’t mind going with me was Dan and that was because he could read aura’s which he did and that’s a whole other post there. But once the crazy friend knew she was always asking what was going on and what we were doing. Sometimes she’d ask and I’d just sit there and stare at her until she’d ask something else.

I have this one friend of mine that is like a little sister to me. She’s the one that I’ve written about when we have our New Years tradition and one that didn’t wait for a man to get her pregnant and decided to have a baby on her own. I get to be his auntie too. But she hears some of my stories about the people around me especially my crazy friend and she always asks me why I continue to stay around these people because they don’t appear to be that great. She’s never been a fan of my ex Dan either because I was so much younger than him when we were together. I don’t agree with that position but she can have her own opinion.

Anyway, it seemed like the more and more the crazy friend asked about the drummer and I the less and less time we got to spend together. After one night that she’d come with me to his show and she actually saw us interact together I think she got jealous because then she’d always talk about all these messages he send her and the fact that she just ignores them. I told her the last time we spoke that if she was trying to imply that he was flirting with her every time he reached out to invite her to a show that I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that’s the last time we’ve spoken really.

The drummer and I haven’t seen each other since I went with Dan 2 months ago. About a week after that the drummer asked me to meet him on a Friday, I think and then I never heard from him again that night. Two months goes by and no apology and no explanation. I was pissed at first but excused it away. Then, last week, I get a message from him asking “Are you alive?” After we bantered for a minute or two he’d said he missed me which would have been great to hear if it wasn’t followed by asking for a favor.

I understand that he’s having issues in life right now. I get that and I am sympathetic which is why I never bitched about what he did. However, I’ve spent months excusing his behavior and actions away. Add that to the fact that for two months of silence I get to hear from my crazy friend that he’s been reaching out to her… Yeah, I’m not that girl who deals with that.

He then had the nerve to say that I’d promised something and hadn’t delivered. Here’s the thing. I HAD delivered and I probably could deliver again on that promise except why would I continue to go out of my way to help someone who’s NEVER truly treated me like a friend. So we have a few great nights together but he also made a promise to me and I’m pretty sure that’s been broken for months now. I made him promise that when this was over for him he’d tell me out of courtesy… Never happened and he expects me to show up to every single show like a loyal puppy… I refuse to be a mistress.

I’ve always been well aware that this “FWB’s” was NEVER about the friend piece for him and it’s always been pretty one sided. He’s never gone out of his way for me. We barely speak to each other and we certainly don’t confide in each other. I feel betrayed by someone that I was willing to be a loyal and private confidant to and to help out more than he would ever know going above and beyond what he ever thought. All I truly feel is hurt, lied to and fucking stupid.

I feel stupid because I’ve let someone take advantage of me because I felt some fucking stupid connection to. Apparently I was the only one that felt that connection truly because his side all seems like bullshit now. He’ll never know that he’s really hurt me and I tried, for the longest time to excuse all his actions away except the only explanation is  Occam’s Razor. The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct.

So basically we’ve not seem each other in over two months because he didn’t want to. We don’t talk because he didn’t want to. I’ve always told him that he’s the one with the busy life so it would be up to him to reach out and in the beginning that was the case. Then he disappeared like he never existed in my life.

Strangely, in my weird world, if he and I were just dating I’d write one line about him and move on but because I tried so hard to be friends first that’s where this stings. I’d shared things with him I’d never told anyone whether he remembers or not. All the things he told me stayed secret in my head, not to be shared with anyone because I am loyal and even now that whatever we were is officially over it will still never pass these lips. I won’t speak ill of him to anyone and I will miss watching him play at his shows. I will miss talking him up to strangers and I will miss those moments that we shared when no one else was around. I might even cry for those moments but I have so little patience for anyone who treats people like shit.

I’m so mad at myself here too because I didn’t see him like this at all. I honestly thought he was a good human. I thought that he had some damage from him past and that impacted the way he trusted people but I, in my soul, believe he was a good person who wouldn’t hurt me. The hardest part here is that’s all he’s done now.

I know that it’s hard to believe that I didn’t love him, yet. I mean I was in a lot of “like” with him but we never got close enough for me to feel anything more than a friend to him and like I said that’s the part that sucks the worst. I gave a lot of myself to him and did things that I’ve never done before because I felt close to him. I haven’t felt that closeness to him for awhile though and short of some miracle that occurs on his part it’s just over. There’s no discussion, there’s no finality or closure… It’s just done.

My Shaman once told me that the drummer was actually in love with me but like me, he runs from emotions and feelings. She said that he was stuck in his situation and that once he actually stopped for a moment and truly felt his feelings then things would change and that I’d get closer to him and we’d make each others lives better. She’s never been wrong before and for a while I wished that she wouldn’t be wrong now except I have very little patience for someone that uses someone and that treats someone who’s never done anything to them poorly.

So, I knew that I hadn’t written in a while and I knew that some of you had emailed and asked so I thought that I’d write one last post about him for closure. Yes I’m sad. No, I’m not heartbroken. Yes I’m pissed. I wish him true happiness. I wish that he figures out what he wants and needs in his life. I wish that he never feel the way that he’s made me feel but do want him to realize that he’s lost someone whom he should have treated a lot better than he did. I want him to have joy in his life, so much joy. I gave him something once that was made out of amethyst. It’s supposed to protect him from bad energy, give him positivity and protection. Maybe I should have kept that for myself the way I feel right now.

That’s what’s going on in my world that’s on my mind tonight. I will feel this and move on like I always do. Tomorrow is a new day. I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and I am grateful that you all come here and interact with me. I thank you for all the amazing emails and comments (sorry I don’t post them all). I still believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and going through everything that I’m supposed to go through I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Nite xXx

1_EBHQqNESUCne2mGSxCzkTgQuotes-About-Love-Don39t-force-them-to-love-you.-Love-quotes

Weekend Relaxing…

As you all know I’ve been feeling a bit out of place lately, uncomfortable in my own skin again. Last week, at the last minute, my crazy friend mentioned she wanted to go out of town. I’d had plans all weekend but canceled them and said sure. So she and I went off to Austin for the weekend. I’d called my brother and asked if it was ok. I specified that we ONLY wanted to relax and not be entertained or actually do anything. It happened to be the perfect weekend.

We were planning on just going up Saturday and coming back Sunday at first. Then she called me Friday and said, “Fuck it. Lets go now.” So we’d got on the road just after 4 and literally spent the entire weekend just relaxing. My friend, who’s usually a talker, spent most of the weekend quiet, contemplative. I spent most of the weekend hanging with my niece, jumping on the trampoline and relaxing in his backyard. The weather was perfect. By the end of the weekend I had no regrets of canceling on anyone and even less regrets about spending most of the weekend in my pajamas.

With everything that’s been going on with friends, men and work I didn’t realize how much I really needed to get away. It was cathartic. It was sad though that the moment I came back, to my home, I immediately felt disconnect and crazed again. It felt like the moment I got back home I went immediately in my own head which is where I tend to overthink. My friend has already asked me when we can go back because it was that relaxing there.

I don’t really know whats wrong again. Obviously inside my head way too much but it’s other things too. Missing people, realizing some people really weren’t worth my time and realizing just how hard it is to find solid soul connections in my life. On the drive to my brothers my friend tried to bring up a few things and I just said, “Nope. Don’t want to talk about that/him/them.” So we didn’t talk much about anything all weekend. We got a little too high Friday night but had a blast anyway. Didn’t drink at all and we both actually slept well. I got the room next to my niece with gerbils who are actually kind of cool pets. (Random thought there).

But now I’m back, what’s next? I was supposed to go to a lunch meeting on the other side of town close to the beach at one of my clients this afternoon but that got moved to tomorrow. That means that I got dressed up and out of my pajamas, unpacked my boots and jacket for nothing. Whatever, I looked cute. 🙂

So back to, “What do I do now?” I have no idea. I guess I’m giving up on the relationship front again. I’m stopping the dates and only hanging with friends till at least after the holidays are over. That’s one thing that I guess with stop me from being in my head. Another thing, I had a friend ask me if I wanted to book bands for him at a new bar he’s opening late next year. It would be an extra paying job, so much fun and I’ve done it before so I know what I’m doing. Plus knowing a crap load of musicians in town and bands would make it easy. I wouldn’t be doing anything till next year though which allows me time to do my regular 9-5 job, plus my private clients and then help him. It’s something else to take my mind off shit. I basically told him that if he allowed me to throw some charity events there also I’d totally do it. He said I could do whatever I wanted.

Something you don’t know about me, when I was about 14/15ish I’d written a business plan for a coffee shop during the day and a bar/club at night. It was so detailed and I even got the name registered at the county courthouse. I’d always wanted to own/run a bar/restaurant establishment. I think mostly it’s my love of music because I wanted to have acoustic nights, band nights and charity events back then. Never did anything further than that though which is stupid because I know so many people now that would invest in my ideas. I guess it’s good to know people that have too much money than they know what to do with sometimes.

I actually have a lot of work to do now that my lunch meeting has been rescheduled but didn’t feel like doing that so I’m getting my thoughts out here so I have less to think about… Actually that’s not even going to matter since it’s a full moon tonight which is auspicious for my Aquarius people. I’m starting to believe less and less of that shit though since none of the good stuff is happening or I’m feeling too much of the bad stuff. I don’t know what this “stage” in my life is about. What I do know is that I need some unexpected happy surprises soon or I’m moving far far away.

So that’s what’s in my head for now. Not feeling connection to anyone or anything right now sucks. I might write later or not for weeks. Depends on what’s going on with me. I hope you’re all having an amazing week! xXx

relaxing-quotes-Mooji-reflections-water-mountains-Archi-living-D

Midweek boredom and other things…

I have been going out a lot lately and I’m a bit over it. You all know that I go through my phases. Every thing is boring to me and all the boys I meet are boring. There’s no originality any more. They are just regurgitating what every other guy has said. It was pretty bad during the World Series.

I like to watch sports. I’m not crazy about it but it’s exciting. Well, let me correct that. I like to attend sporting events but not so much watch it on TV. I’m not an insane fan but I can get on board with the home team if I wanted to. I was a lot more in to sports years ago but have lost interest to be an avid fan.

During the World Series though my friend and I had been going out to sports bars and restaurants and watching. There is something about the whole restaurant jumping up and screaming and hugging everyone around when we won the game that got us into the World Series that was fun to watch.

However, what was not fun to watch was the guys taking this opportunity to hit on the women that were there. This happened a few times. I don’t go out to pick up men or to have men pick me up. That’s not me. When I go out I try to stay in the moment with the person I’m with so their efforts are futile. Yes, I could have probably taken a few home. Yes, I probably could have had sex with a few of them but that’s so not what I want. I want passion and I actually want to feel something. Random sex isn’t going to do that for me, as much as I want the sex part.

I said here, not that long ago, that I am looking for something different. I’m not looking for a random hookup, not looking for a FWB, I’m not looking for yet another player who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and is allowed to treat them like shit. I see way too much of that. I want something that’s real and true. I want a guy who isn’t hooking up with a new one each week. I want a guy who has dreams and plans for the future. I want a guy who can love me privately and respect me publicly. I don’t need to make it “Facebook official” or obliterate social media with my dating status. I don’t need to be with him every day. I don’t even need to hear from him every day but I undoubtedly need the respect, appreciation and love that I’ve yet to find for some time now.

I don’t care if he’s into sports, I don’t care if he’s into cars. I do care that he’s into music and I do care about that “feeling” that I get from him. I need to get that feeling. You all know it but I’m tired of saying connection. I feel like a broken record most days when I write which is why I don’t write as much as I used to but the truth is I figure if the universe knows what I’m looking for then maybe by some Law of Attraction or some divine intervention that I’ll get that person sent to me.

I’m tired of a lot of things lately. I’m tired of expecting some sort of happy ending and not the kind you get in a massage parlor. I’m tired of being underwhelmed by humans. I’m tired of not getting any happy surprises. I’m tired of going out of my way to help people and either getting nowhere or it just being left unappreciated. I’m tired of people being in other peoples business. I’m tired of gossip and I’m tired of people assuming that I WANT to hear gossip.

I know. That’s a lot of shit that I’m tired of. On the other side of things I’m tired of not being able to be where I want to be in my dating life and I understand that some of it has to do with me not really giving these men that I meet a fair chance but when I meet someone I just know. You know? I don’t want bullshit and lies and fake kindness. I want real and true and honest. I would respect a man so much more if he came to me and said, “My life’s a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing but you make me happy” verses “I got my shit together, here’s some flowers and an expensive dinner.” I can see through bullshit and sometimes it’s a curse because I don’t get flattered at the gentlemen crap. I never have.

I think that a lot of women that date expect a guy to woo them and that’s fine but it’s fake. You think that the flowers and expensive dinners will always happen? No. I want to fall into comfort but not a rut. See, I can understand why my dating life is shit. I like the person I’ve become after moving back to Houston. I do but I’m even less inclined to just date someone out of boredom than ever before. But again, I do promise you that I do actually want a relationship but not a normal one. I have yet to find a man that can handle what I want with all the qualities that I want without having to explain shit. That’s when I know it’s real is when it just falls into place.

Let me bring up something that I can’t stand. I’ve said this before and it’s social media. I’m sure the original intent was a great idea but what it’s turned into is just fake news, fake photos and passive aggressive bullshit. I’ve had two Facebook accounts. One I used for personal and one I used for business. Several years ago I deleted the personal and just used the business one. Then when I started adding people on it I unfollowed everyone. I kept some uplifting people and sites on my feed and it became all about positivity but what I hate the most is all the passive aggressive shit people and yes, mostly women, about how they want these men that basically fall at their feet and worship them.

I’m all about worship each other but that’s where most of these people have it wrong. They are quick to judge the men and say that men don’t do enough and that men are always wrong and treat them like shit. However, how many of these women treat their man like a King if they want to be treated like a Queen? I started seeing these things women would post and then I’d see the men that were just worn down, beaten down by negativity and passive aggressiveness. This act does go both ways but I am a firm believer that we both have rolls. Women and men and in order for us to both be happy we have to both help not hurt each other. I am in not way, shape or form perfect but I do understand that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship you BOTH have to work and be positive and loyal and kind but truthful and appreciative and respectful.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly sitting by and people watching. Humans don’t treat humans right. I’ve seen karma get to people who have always thought they were untouchable. I’ve seen situations turn people cold and bitter and I’ve seen humans take out their past damage on people that didn’t cause it. It’s not always been a fun movie to watch but it has taught me a lot about people and who we are and how we treat people and situations. I don’t wish to reinvent the wheel but I do wish that people didn’t suck sometimes. If we take ownership of our actions. If we apologize when we fuck up. If we appreciate the people in our lives then everything else just gets salted in a good way.

So my point about social media is that it’s use today isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I see women my age and older holding men at a higher standard than they’re willing to offer to the men and that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m not taking sides but am a quiet observer. I spend most of my life doing that. Observing. An old friend and I used to go to this local mall where they had these oversized super comfy chairs and we’d people watch for hours. We’d make up stories about them or our version or who they are. Course this was 20 years ago and we were usually super high at the time but it was another way of looking at the world or at least the people in it.

I guess my wish for today is that people try to happily surprise each other, be kind and forgiving too. I wish that 40 year olds stop using filters because it’s basically fake advertising and I wish that I find a man that I can treat like the King he is for me to be the Queen I am and that I can still do weird shit with. I hope you are all having an amazing week.

b28b4c10d8b03b5d51eb5239df068b54

Missing things, times and people…

One of the many things that losing all my shit in a hurricane taught me was to release attachments. I had created attachments to people, places, things… Most of that became useless when I realized I didn’t have that anymore. I realized that I’d become attached to an item because it reminded me of a time and of a feeling. Once I lost those things though I realized that the feelings were still there if I’d just close my eyes and think about them enough.

A lot of those items that I lost had to do with times in my twenties or late teens. I was heavily into drugs and friends at this point in my life. Nothing else mattered to me. I’d kept a job since I was young that allowed for me to have this other life away from the normalcy of just being a young adult. This weekend I was transported back to that time.

Between my excursions out for the last few days I’d started watching HBO’s Euphoria. I knew that I’d wanted to watch it for a while but I also knew that it would bring back memories. It did. So many memories.

For a while, back then, there was three couples. Three girls and three boys and we’d all get together on the weekends and either go to someone’s home that was minus the adults, a hotel or my home because my parents didn’t really parent very well. We’d setup our lights, music and toys and we’d all take acid, ecstasy or a mixture of both and spend the next 12 hours completely engulfed in a world that we’d created, an escape, a delusion.

Sometimes we’d split off into pairs or threes, not sexually, but we’d all have different vibes within our one vibe. There’d be these moments of us lying on each other, playing with each others hair, giving back rubs or just kissing each other and it felt so comfortable. I am lucky enough to have never had a bad trip but mostly it was because we were careful with who we left around us when we were fucked up if we let anyone else around at all. We’d always do it in a safe surrounding and we were all just so close anyway.

One of the guys in the group, who was like a brother to me, was sitting in front of me one night on a candy flipping experience (both acid and molly) and I was giving him a back rub. I remember so vividly when he lied back, took my arms and wrapped them around him as he did the same with my legs and he kept saying that we were, in that moment, bound together as one. I still remember how that exact moment felt. To describe it, it felt warm, safe and like home. I think that we stayed like that for hours just being one together in the moment but nothing sexual but so magical. I miss those moments.

I bring up these moments probably more than I should because they were all self induced drug delusions but salted with the most amazing emotions. These were the days, the times when I left myself feel whatever I wanted to. I felt safe, comforted and connected to those five people more than you could imagine. I don’t think I’ve been as true to my emotions since then. I don’t think I’ve felt as safe, connected or comforted as much ever since.

Maybe that’s why I keep my heart locked in a box and wrapped so tightly. Maybe it’s all the trauma that happen before or after those moments. Maybe I’m just so fucking scared of being hurt. I don’t know if there’s even just one reason that I do but what I do know is that even if I did feel something for someone it would probably take the most amazing soul connection I’ve ever had to open that box up. I’m not even sure if I’d remember where the key for it even was.

A friend and I were talking about these moments tonight on a drive around the city. It’s hard to explain those feelings to someone who’s never taken drugs or has never had those types of experiences. But I tried. She’s someone that I’ve grown closer to over the last couple years but that still doesn’t really know me well enough to understand my fucked-up-ness. She’s always one who tries to get me to say yes to all these guys I meet and doesn’t understand my need to feel connected to them first.

Tonight she asked if I missed being in a relationship. I’d told her that I did but not for the reasons she thought. I don’t miss the sex. I don’t miss the dates. What I miss is the more intimate moments, in my mind, which boil down to taking care of someone else. I want to emotionally take care of someone else. There’s been few in my life that I’ve had these moments with because they seem so personal to me but I miss being able to take care of a man, whether it be a backrub, cooking dinner or having him lay on my lap and run my fingers through his hair.

I know that it doesn’t seem like it here sometimes but I have a serious nurturing nature about me. It doesn’t come out much at all but it’s there. I miss missing someone so much and having them miss me to the same extent. I miss going to bed next to someone with their arm wrapped around me and their breath on my neck. I literally miss all that so much more than the physicality of a sexual relationship. I would actually trade in the sex part for the rest most days and you all know how much I like the sex part so that’s saying a lot.

No, I’m not drunk right now. I’m completely sober and just missing things, people and times in my head and in my heart tonight. While it’s almost 3 a.m. and I had a good night tonight I’m in a strange familiar place in my head wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else.

What’s strange in my head is that I can’t remember the first boy I ever kissed but I remember the first time someone held my hand the right way. I remember a kiss in the rain one night. I remember the first time a boy kissed the exact spot on my neck that made me shiver. I remember less and less of the sex but more and more about the feelings when those tiny things happened. That time a boy grabbed my waist and I didn’t feel self-conscious. I remember the songs that played in the background of the first time I danced in the living room of a guy I liked in the dark. Those memories, those feelings are all so beautiful in my mind and so vivid.

I don’t want to relive those moments. I want to make new moments that I can remember. I truly appreciate that I’ve got those memories but just want knew ones that I can think about and relive those feelings later.

I don’t know. I’m having a nostalgic and kind of sad evening. As much as I miss those days, like I said, I don’t want those day back. I want new days and someone that I can take care of and make feel like the only man in the world. I like the idea of treating a man so well that it takes his cares and problems away if just for an hour or two. I just miss a lot of things tonight. It’s moments like this that I feel like staying in bed all day and sleeping so I can relive, in my mind, those good times. But I don’t. I get up, fix my coffee and put one my makeup for the day.

I think I’m just having a hard time thinking if I miss a time, a thing or a person more today and my fear is if it’s the person then that makes me even more sad. I don’t do well missing people in my life. Truth is, if I actually admit that I miss someone they better actually believe that I do because that doesn’t happen much and I won’t lie if I haven’t even noticed their absence.

It feels like I’m all over the place again so before I say something that will make me want to delete it tomorrow I’m going to try to get some sleep. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. Nite xXx

The-sad-truth-is-that-were-all-missing-someone.-And-hoping-that-wherever-they-are-theyre-missing-us-back-too

The Starlight of Emotions…

I think I need to find a new word for weird. It’s not that my week has been that weird compared to my normal days but it’s weird for most adults. Most of my week has been working, working out and barely going out. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this week to stay in. It might have something to do with the two people I spend the most time with going to Vegas.

I’d declined to go with them on their Vegas trip because that would have made my fifth trip and to be honest Vegas is a great city at night but during the day looks like trash to me. I do need a vacation soon though but I might just run off into the forest and camp for a few days and take mushrooms.

On thing about working from home, aside from the freeing feeling of being able to walk around and work with my pj’s or just a t-shirt on, is that you start to feel a bit disconnected to your co-workers. There’s days that go by and we don’t even talk so when my boss called me the other day and asked what my holiday plans were so that he could make his I bit his head off. My reply was that my job has never been dependent on him or where he is so it really doesn’t matter when he takes off since he basically takes everyday off. He replied with, “Calm your tits” which in turn made me reply with “fuck off and sober up”. I will never not say we don’t have a weird relationship but there’s something really nice about being able to tell your boss to fuck off.

I fight with him more than anyone else in my life. I’ve fought with him more than any boyfriend, relative, friend. We are each other’s longest relationships ever and I joke with him that when I leave his ass for someone who pays better then he owes me alimony because we have never had sex and we always fight. It’s a running joke.

I bring this up because I’ve had ex’s be jealous of the relationship that I have with my boss. This makes me laugh. Mostly because I think that jealousy is a useless emotion but mostly because of the absurdity of it all. People say he’s attractive but after you’ve seen the worst in someone, you’ve seen their drunken disgusting moments in life and you’ve seen the way they treat people you tend to not see an attractive side. I’ve never thought he was attractive though… Maybe just not my preference. His brother however, a completely different story.

But I digress…

Bringing up emotions though brings me to another situation. This week, Monday night I think, a friend and I had gone to see if we could see any comets around midnight. He’s a fun friend and has always had this weird obsession that we hookup but I won’t even kiss him. I think he wanted to go to see if I’d think it was romantic which I was literally too interested in trying to see a comet and then dealing with the police when they showed up. Apparently you can’t sit in a parked car without doing something wrong.

So my friend and I got to talking about how we handle emotions. I explained to him that I like to wait to react to situations. There’s a lot of times when I’m pissed or upset that I immediately want to say something but I don’t. I’ll write a note instead and then I’ll calm down. I’ll quickly start to rationalize something. It’s something that I’ve had to train myself to do because it’s human nature to just “react” with whatever comes out. THE friend tested my patience a lot with this. He’d do something and I’d want to rip his head off but just took a deep breath, explained it away and realized later that if it was truly important to me then I’d bring it up in a sane calm manner. After not reacting for a day or two, most of the time, I realize that it’s not that important anymore so I let it go.

This led my friend the other night to ask me what actually, truly pisses me off. My first response, lying. I just don’t see a need for it. Second, when someone can’t apologize. Apologies are the utmost form of adulting in my book. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up but it’s only a truly good human than can apologize and mean it. I think I also said lack of appreciation and respect.

He then asked if that meant I was a carpet. You know, someone who people walk over, because I don’t get pissed about stuff. I said that they might think that but the truth is if they make a mistake once it’s forgivable. A mistake made twice I can deal with but a third time I will just disappear never to be heard from again. There’s lots of people in my life that I miss and there’s lots of people who, maybe 10 years ago, I’d let back in my life but now I just want positive, caring, loving people in my life. They’re allowed to make mistakes but it’s all about how they handle it after that proves the character of someone.

I always have things to do and people to do them with if I chose to so losing one or two people no matter what they’ve meant to me doesn’t stop me from living my life as fun and happy and it can be. I just don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. I try to help people with kind words, actions and listen when I can. I’m nowhere near perfect but it gives me something to strive for each day.

After that he’d asked me why I didn’t want to hook up with him. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and the only reason he was attracted to me was because I didn’t want him. He disagreed but we shall both agree to disagree on that. Why am I not attracted to him? Well, the good things about him as far as most girls see: has money, good looks, treats them shitty enough so when he does something nice it seems so huge. My reason for not being attracted to him: he’s arrogant, he’s a man-whore (what’s the nice way to say that?) and I can see right through his bullshit. He said the latter and my ass are the reason he likes me and something to do with my lips which was foul but at that point I just turned the radio on loudly and got out of the car.

These are probably just some of the reasons that I’m still single. Mostly because I’d rather be picky than just have any warm body next to me in bed. It makes for some lonely nights and I do mean lonely nights. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve literally slept next to man. Even when THE friend stays he’s on the couch and I’m locked in my room. Here’s the things, right off the top of my head there’s seven men that I could call and either go over there or have them come here but I just don’t want any man. You all know that.

My list has never really changed but in case you’re wondering my perfect man who is imperfect would not be rich nor the best looking man ever. I don’t care what he drives or what he does. My perfect man is appreciative, respectful, sometimes a gentleman, sometimes kind and sweet and sometimes a sarcastic fool that I can laugh with. Someone that teaches me things and wants to learn things from me. Someone that admits his faults, his vulnerabilities his fears. Someone that I can help grow, live and love. I will never think his dreams are too big or his words too small.

I might not love easily but when that flood gate opens it’s a glowing light of acceptance and love but doesn’t suffocate. Love isn’t suffocation or jealousy or anger. Love is what’s right in the world and if/when I truly love someone his life will be better with me in it. That’s the whole point of love, to make someone else better than before you met them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway 🙂 my Shaman friend likes to remind me that when I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with (truly WITH them) both our lives are supposed to shine bring with love and riches and some other shit. It’s nice to believe that some days. Some days it’s a bit harder to believe.

So currently I’ve turned down four guys in the last 30 days and I have no current FWB’s. I know that I can’t complain but I know that I’ll feel connected with someone soon and if I don’t then I’ll just move on to something else in life. Right now I’m more focused on my career and myself so that I can be better for the next guy who, maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel connected to.

I miss that part of my relationships. Even my friendships lately I feel like I’m disconnected to. It’s me. It’s in my head because I’m in my head. I’m awake when I should be asleep and I’m sleeping when I should be awake because the things I dream about are better than my reality right now. The most vivid dreams and I can’t get them to stop and they’re all about ONE person. Life is weird… My life is weird.

… and on that note it’s almost 2 am now and I’m going to try to sleep. Hope you all had a great week and have a great weekend. I have no idea where the winds will take me this weekend. I’m leaving you with the video In My Dreams By: Robert Miles because, well, it’s my life and I love this whole album. Nite xXx

12175-fb_image-detox-dreams-are-crazy-vivid-dreams-normal-when-doing-a-cleanse

Don’t force things… They’ll happen.

It’s been four days since I last blogged and told you all about the two men in my dating life right now. I was having a hard time figuring out which one I liked more. So in those four days I’ve met numerous other men that, for some reason, have been hitting on me like crazy. I don’t know what it is… Is it my perfume, my pheromones or some sort of vibe I’m putting out there. I have no idea but I know that I am no closer to picking either of them. As a matter of fact I’m less inclined to pick either of them.

I know. I seem like an asshole but It’s been a hard couple weeks, months due to some other situations going on around me and my loved ones. I’m having a hard time concentrating and finding joy lately. I mean, I find it in the little things like a song, a new piece of furniture or a sweet text from someone but it’s been such a long time since I’ve truly felt long term joy. Is that weird? Do most people find themselves joyful all the time? I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s situational, for me anyway.

So I’ve been talking to both of them a lot and I know that, in order to date someone, I need to know them. I need to be friends with them first. I’ve always been like that. I’ve always had the best relationships with men that I’ve been friends with first. In order for me to sleep with someone I need to have been dating them for a minute first. So, for me, the sex part seems like it’s going to be so far off. I think it has to do with the fact that I have to be comfortable with them first, hence the friends part, and then I have to feel safe.

To be honest with you all here, I don’t feel comfortable, safe or even that close to either of them yet. I thought that I’d feel some sort of connection by now. The one who’s in town is starting to feel like a sibling relationship and the one that’s out of town I’m not clicking with. I mean, he thinks we are but I don’t get excited when I get his messages anymore. I don’t feel that “flutter” in the top part of my stomach anymore. That was fast and like I said the other night, I’ve never felt like I needed to be passionately kissed by either one of them.

It’s twisted how easily I lose interest in men. If I’d been friends with them for a while first I’d feel more inclined to keep trying to connect on a deeper level with them but we weren’t. I am not trying to force anything either so I’m just fading away in their worlds by my own actions. They, technically, haven’t done anything wrong and in fact, most girls would be all over them. They say the right things. They’ve done the right things. It’s just me… I’m romantically anorexic.

Tonight, as I’m feeling sad that I can’t connect with them, or any man currently, I scroll through my Instagram feed on one of my many accounts and there it is. It’s an affirmation that states, “Don’t force it. If it’s real, it will happen.” and for some reason I’m instantly calmed. I’m just so affected by my surroundings and my moods that when I see something that speaks to me it feels like the universe trying to tell me something and there it is. Just in case you didn’t think I was crazy before, I feel like it spoke to my soul.

That happens a lot. I’ll be feeling something that I can’t describe and someone will post a song, or send me a song and it sums up my emotions right then or they’ll post something or one of my many positive affirmation feeds will just speak to me right then and I’m instantly calmed.

I try not to burden people around me with my woes, my bad moods or if I’m sad or not. In fact, it’s very very rare that I actually confide in anyone about my emotions. I just never want to seem like a burden or never want to admit out loud that I’m sad or upset or angry. So, I keep it all inside (most of the time) until I go to kickboxing class. I don’t drink my emotions, I don’t drug my emotions but my other outlet is here. I get them out here sometimes but I’m just in, yet another, weird place. It’s like the men that have been trying to be in any sort of relationship with me over the last couple years just aren’t syncing with my soul. That’s what I need is a soul-sync.

It’s not about looks, status or anything but that connection. If it was about looks, let me tell you… Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a gorgeous man shopping at the front of the store when I first walked in. He had this long hair, amazing body, tanned skin and young. He was young. When I first walked in he smiled and said hi. I gave him a halfass smile and said hi back. After a few isles he actually walked up to me and introduced himself. We chatted for a moment and he’d said something nice about how I looked and I replied that I was getting over a cold and looked like shit but thanked him anyway. He then said, “Absolutely not. You’re one of God’s children. You’re beautiful”. At that point I realized it was time to go because he might have been trying to kidnap me into a cult or something.

But that scenario made me think later. There was a gorgeous man who’d asked for my number and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. It’s not been and has never been about looks. I mean I have to be attracted to someone at first glance but there has to be more. A pretty face only goes so far. If you can’t rock my soul I have no space for you in my life.

Now, some people, men, friends would all say that I’m the polar opposite of most women out there. The people that truly know me know that to be true. I don’t force things. I don’t force friendships, relationships of any kind. If someone wants to be in my life then they will be unless they fuck it up and I leave it. If they are respectful and appreciative and, yes, if they try a little harder than me, then I will always be there for them. But once they’re in they realize that I am a pretty fucking amazing person to be friends with, let alone date. So, those two guys will probably be in my friend circle but I’m really not feeling anything else will happen.

I think what I’m looking for is to be friends with someone who I can laugh with so much and then, all of a sudden, one day we look at each other and I just know. I just know and he knows and bam, we’re both in love but we did that out of a friendship first. That’s an Aquarius trait mostly but it just makes sense. There’s no forcing, no weird dating, no expectations. You already know, trust, love, respect and support each other and now you do all that while realizing you’re in love with each other. I’ve heard it happens. That would be total truth and perfect for me. We shall see if I’ve thrown this out into the universe now if I’ll meet someone that I’ll be able to do that with.

That puts me right back to where I was which is single, horny as hell and disconnected to any man right now. I’m pretty used to this feeling at this point, hence the four engagement rings and never said yes to the dress. I swear that I do actually want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to settle for some asshole at this point in my life or someone that I’d just be complacent with. I hate stagnation. I dislike people that are stagnant and not looking ahead for their next new venture. I need a man with vision and dreams and I don’t even care if they seem too big or crazy. I just want to see someone who’s always trying to be better.

So, on that note, nothing has really changed. But I am going to be the meme queen tonight and post the five that really stood out to me right now. Hope you all are amazing. Nite xXx

6ea3240cd140ed6ad030141bbf66dadf1517356964_life-quotes-dont-force-someone-to-change-just-love-them-love-is-whatdon't-forcedont-find-love-let-loveQuotes-About-Love-Don39t-force-them-to-love-you.-Love-quotes