Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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The Double Edged Sword of Repetition…

Repetition is great, if you’re trying to stave off a bad habit or you’re trying to start a new good habit. What I’ve realized though is that repetition in life is insanely boring. I am aware that with my personality and my current state that repetition is the only way that I’ll do things that are, for most people, simple like cleaning or exercise or grocery shopping; it’s something that I just dislike.

I hate that I have a job that’s always the same thing, during the same hours, during the same days of the week. I wake up at the same time, go through the same morning routine. Then when I get to the office that pattern starts. I unlock the door, turn on the lights, turn down the AC and make my cup of coffee. All this is done while waiting for my computer to boot up so I can check the same hundred emails the just keep repeating. At the end of the work day, the same thing. If I’m the last to leave then I’m turning up the AC, cleaning my coffee mug, logging off my computer, turning the lights off and locking the door.

I know that if things were like that I’d probably never actually make it to work so I can see the advantage of it all. However, lately, since things are a bit different at work I tend to come and go as I please. Instead of going out to eat every single weekday I actually bought groceries to make a sandwich which is really weird for me but lately this hole circle of repetition has been racing through my mind, on repeat (imagine that).

It had me thinking of a man that I dated a while back. First, it was a short lust affair and second he was less a man than he was a boy. He was much younger than me and extremely immature but he was fun. We never did the same thing twice. He once took me to race cars. We had a picnic in the rain. We camped, went fishing and drove four hours to watch a football game.

One night, he’d gotten tickets to an invitation only party and we’d decided to go because it was new and fun. When we got there, we’d realized that it was actually a private sex club. It was a scene out of Eyes Wide Shut without the weird bad acting. He was noticeably uncomfortable but we’d decided to stay for at least 30 minutes. Then if we were both in agreement we’d leave. Nothing was going to happen but I was intrigued. I wasn’t uncomfortable because no one else aside from my date was.

I remembered walking around with a flute of champagne in hand wondering if I’d see anyone that I knew. Back in those days, I’d heard that my boss and his wife were into that stuff and that was my only concern to not run into them. It wasn’t gross or perverted or Cinamax-esq. For some reason I felt as though I wasn’t old enough myself to be there and realized that he must have felt even younger so I appeased him and we left.

It wasn’t long after that that I knew dating him was fun and exciting but that he needed to be with someone a bit closer to his age or at least his maturity level. I never went back to a place like that but out of all the experiences that we had together that’s the one that stood out the most to me because I could remember exactly how it made me feel. It was a moment.

I’ve said this before but I don’t remember dates (unless there’s a five in there somewhere) but I do remember moments and the feelings that surrounded that moment. Some have been those “Movie moments” that I talk about. The one’s that end up in cheesy romantic comedies but some are just ones that leave an imprint.

That’s what’s been lacking in my life lately is the imprints, the movie moments and the new experiences. I know that I won’t wake up tomorrow and suddenly have one of those things happen and that’s the part that scares me. That those moments are over. It’s as if I’ve been hexed with the curse of boring and that someone once looked at me with envy or disdain for the happiness that I was feeling and put so much “evil eye” on me that it took away all the great moments in life. To be, it’s almost the same as taking away the air I breath and now I’m stuck.

The best way to describe this feeling is that life is just hard right now. I’m having an allergic reaction to it. I’m feeling disconnected to people, to myself. I’m uneasy. I acknowledge that things are in desperate need of changing but where do I go from here? What’s the next step? Some days, as the world is happening around me I feel like the one person standing still screaming in my own head. I need a shock to the system.

I’ve also said this before, in such a connected world that we live in today why is it so fucking easy to feel the most alone that ever before? Days like today I just really need to know that I’m not except I’m not even willing to answer to the phone to find out. I’m in need of something new, something real, something that doesn’t go away the moment I open my eyes.

I wish I had a better story for you tonight but that’s what’s on my mind…

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June Challenge Day 15… With some rambling. 

I think my mood is best described as sullen. The week has been busy with work so far and my weekend is filling up fast. If things stay as they are right now I will be attending a party on Saturday till late, watching the game and by the time Sunday night rolls around I see myself going to bed early to compensate for the weekend. It’s also my BFF’s birthday and father’s Day but I can’t be there for those things because there’s too much going on. It’s nice to get the opportunities to go to these parties of clients but after such a busy week I just want to nap already.

That isn’t the reason for the sullen mood though. I’m back to having my strange dreams again and they leave me unsettled. I’m just really trying to figure things out though. Yes, dreams are a way for your subconscious to either let you know things or to help figure things out but it’s bad when you’re so over every little thing in your life that you actually google “How to love someone you don’t love”. Yes, I’m talking about the ex again. I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for at this point so why not? At the very least, if the saying is true, then it’s always better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them right?

I don’t even know anymore. Relationships, love, feelings… These are all things that I freely passed up for so long and now it seems like the only thing that will actually make me happy now. As much as work is crazy right now it’s where I want to be and am grateful for that. So, this seems like the one thing that I can’t seem to get a grasp of. There really is only so much praying you can do for the same thing before you just get sick of hearing yourself. It’s a sad state of affairs.

I suppose now it’s more about just finding someone that I can cohabitate with that can provide some sort of emotional stability in my life. That’s what it’s all about right? Being able to be comfortable with someone who supports you, appreciates you and values everything about you? As I said before, when you choose to love someone you are choosing to love their faults and flaws. I am not void of those things so there are many to love I guess and he is certainly willing to do so.

Sometimes I think that I’m so scared to find out if I can love him because it means an end to a life that I’ve had for the last 3 and a half years. All that would go away. I think I might be ready to let all that go away. Letting go of something or someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love and care for them, it just means that you are ready to heal. That’s what I’ve not done over these last few years, is heal. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been open, honest and felt that way about someone to only have had them take all of those emotions and play games with them, stomp on them, chew them up and spit them out. While the feelings where never his fault because he certainly never warranted such emotions from me, the handling of them were absolutely his responsibility. Just because you don’t return said feelings doesn’t mean you still can’t be kind in return. And whatever you do, you do not use them to your advantage EVER.

After a while of this, it became less his fault than it did my own. The truth is, I’ve always known the truth, about it all. Most days I chose to ignore it. Other days I just chose to really feel the pain because I felt that I deserved it for some sort of karmic payback. “Ah, this is what those boys felt like because of me… I get it now.” So I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed that no one every make him or anyone feel this way ever again, which falls on deaf ears because you can’t stop heartbreak. It’s one of those things like death and taxes that are absolutes. Sometimes revelations come from other peoples words, messages or actions. Sometimes they just come from dreams or other silly things.

Some days I wish you guys all knew me when I cared a lot less about love. Sounds bad but this whole world was a lot different. Now with that said, I’ll move on to my challenges today.

1. Exercise – yes.
2. Water – yes.
3. Love Yourself Challenge – Do you have any creative talent and if so do that tonight: I’d like to say I’m a decent writer, painter or poet so I will try to write some later.
4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What season are you grateful for? I am grateful for winter. It encompasses family, friends and a great excuse to have a fire and snuggle.
5. 30 Day Challenge – Do you have a favorite month? Okay, so I’m going to say December because it’s during winter but also because that’s the month I see most every one that I care about AND because I get the most days off work during December. Is it wrong that that’s what I base that decision off?

So there is today’s diatribe of emotions. I’d say that “This too shall pass” however, that seems to be said all too much lately without things actually passing.

I hope you’re all having a great week.

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June Challenge Day 6

Today has been a day of lots of rest. Feeling bad enough to stay home during a tumultuous time at work is probably a horrible decision and one I’ll pay for during the rest of the week, but it was needed I guess. Not only am I feeling physically bad, it’s also mental or emotional or both. These are the times when having someone by my side to MAKE me tell them what’s wrong would probably be the best thing but I do not.

Some days, I feel like I’m a million miles away with no hope of coming back. Today is one of those days. Part of this came about because of yesterdays “forgive yourself” thing and while I’ve forgiven myself for my ex that passed away I’m just now realizing that I miss that type of relationship. I miss the sweet drunk texts. I miss the random show ups. I miss the cuddling, not that I let him do that much. I miss knowing that I could call up someone at any time and he’d have come over for no real reason what-so-ever. I miss spending money on someone that I call something other than just a friend. I miss the kissing… Oh, I miss the kissing the most, even over the other stuff sometimes. So, I guess I’m just sad right now. Blah, so over “girl brain” right now. So I’ll just jump right into today’s challenges.

1. Exercise – kind of. While I still got a very very slow 30 minutes in today I did not push myself at all.

2. Water – Yes, it’s all I’ve had today.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one thing that you feel you are really good at and why? I’m an exceptional problem solver when it comes to everyone else problems but my own. It is so important to me that people in my life have good lives and I try to think of all the ways that can happen. Sometimes it means that I give a bit too much of myself and on most days I don’t mind. These last couple days; however, I’ve been feeling a bit ‘taken for a ride’ and I hope that will pass at some point. All I can do is pray and try to not let other peoples truths bother me.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What in nature are you grateful for? When the weather is just right, there are no mosquitoes and I’m feeling stronger there’s a path by my home that I like to walk. There’s a stream next to it (I’m going to call it a stream). There’s flowers and trees and dogs and squirrels. It’s probably one of the most therapeutic walks that I take. So, I guess I like most things about nature. Some days it seems like I can’t be away from my lipstick or my hot iron but I like my walks, camping or hiking. Everything about nature is awesome, so far.

5. 30 Day Challenge – What animal would you love to have as a pet? A dog. I love dogs. They really are a person’s best friend. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet for another pet. As mush as it would probably help me right now, I’m just not home enough and that’s unfair.

That’s as much as I can articulate today. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 30 (Tuesday)

1. Good thing about today – Having completed a 30 days challenge.

2. Spending – Nothing.

3. Exercise – Yes a collective 45 minutes at lunch

4. Eating health – Yes, even with dinner out.

5. Routine – Yes.

I sit here, close to midnight and re-evaluate my day. It was good but strange. A lot happened at work which is great, had a great dinner and lastly, THE friend was still here which is always nice.

Work has put me in a position that I’ve always been in just with a title and money now. It’s great to finally be recognized for the hard work that I’ve put in from the owners not just the clients. Don’t get me wrong though all the freebies they give me are great but sometimes words AND actions need to appropriately show just how much you’re meant to a cause, or whatever else means a lot to you.

Dinner was the usual spot and again, was paid for. It was fun but the entire day my ex has been crazy about meeting up. Boys maybe you can answer this… If a girl tells you that she doesn’t want to date you but you continually ask her what’s the purpose of this? It’s been such a long time that my mind is not going to change. I suppose, unless it does.

Which now brings me to THE friend. He came over late again Sunday which bothered me but I didn’t say anything since I had the day off the next day. He cooked in his adorable meticulous way and then he did something that was shocking to me. He went out of his way and got me a gift. Seriously one of the best gifts ever and the only one he’s ever given me. Then Monday morning arrived and he was cooking a great brunch. Again, with the meticulousness that I’ve become accustomed to. It was great.

There were these few moments that we’d share a laugh or smile or something stupid that I just keep getting reminded that there’s a reason that I fell for HIM. It’s the comfort of being able to not wear any makeup and still be comfortable. It’s the gift that I’m aware of his flaws and love him even more. It’s the realization that NO man has ever made me feel as safe, comforted, joyful at the smallest things AND be willing to do anything for him. That’s a lot of power for anyone to have which is why those thoughts are just between you and me.

Tonight was strange though. It was more of a roommate situation. He’d spent the day cleaning my bathroom to my surprise which is awesome but he harps so much on the negative things sometimes and it tends to take away from the awesomeness that he’s done. It’s the whole, beating a dead dog analogy. It makes me feel so small but inside there’s a huge voice that’s screaming, “I get it! I’m not perfect. I never thought I was! I don’t harp on your flaws!”

If that was an outward cry it would probably be followed by him saying, “I’m not being mean I’m being honest.” The difference between us is when I see his flaws shinning through, like being compulsively late, I’ve researched enough to know that that’s his personality and I try to adapt to him. When he sees my flaws he can’t just adapt he’s got to poke and poke until I want to roll up into the tiniest ball and become invisible. So the compromises are not half way. They are not equal. YET.

I try NOT to tell these things cloud the goodness he has in his heart. But it makes me wonder. He does have flaws and faults and some of them are things that others, women won’t be able to see past. It makes me wonder if he’ll ever actually realize what a great woman that he has here that has fallen in love with him and after all this time hasn’t ever fallen out. He has such paralyzing self-double and insecurities that I not sure that he ever will see what I have to offer but it doesn’t matter. As I said earlier, I am in the perfect ‘coupled relationship’ with someone who doesn’t want the intimacy which is what I crave the most.

Things would be so different if my emotions never came into play. We wouldn’t have made it this far at all. But I continually accept the person that he is NOT the person that he MIGHT be one day. Because of what he wishes probably never happened, because of this love we HAVE made it this far and I am terrified that I’ll never meet someone that can make me feel all the things that he does without even trying. But I know that I have to try.

My friend who’s a Shaman and I spoke the other day. We haven’t spoken in a long time and she had some strange things to say. A lot of it had to do with him. This is the whole reason why I stopped speaking to her for so long. Because she give this unsolicited advice about him and me and how our paths were linked as more than friends and how things in BOTH our lives would change for the better. If I didn’t mention this before she’s also a psychic. She’s foretold a future that I do want with him but I always told her it’s not what I wanted to hear. I never wanted to be reminded of what so many others had foretold but knowing the realization was that he just didn’t have those feelings.

I don’t really know what his feelings actually are. I feel like it’s turned into some sort of roommate situation where he might as well assume I’m a guy at this point. If that’s what this is then we may need to redefine things. I don’t want a man who is just a friend that seems me as some nonsexual thing that I have feelings for. It’s not fair.

Fairness is an underrated thing. I believe in total equality. I believe that things do happen for a reason and I believe that along with paralyzing self-doubt comes a barrier that no one can possibly knock down. On the same token, I’m not sure that he’d actually have the courage to “make a move” at this point because I don’t show many emotions anyway. Nothing is worse than rejection, for a guy. But I assume he’s smart enough to know that there would be no rejection. Sometimes it really feels like we are both still in an elementary state of emotions with each other.

All I ask for, at this point, is his continued efforts in trying to make this equal. To be thankful and appreciative of the things I do. To be aware that my heart is on my sleeve each and every single time I’m around him and that I would willingly give him the world if he’d asked for it but don’t use that as a weapon. Some days we make all the sense in the world. On the other days I just try to hid the tears that are welling up in my eyes while they’re trying NOT to see us where I want us to be.

Now that that is out of my head I am working on my June challenge. I will start that tomorrow. Thanks for being around for the May challenge and I hope you’ll try one with me soon.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. 😦 It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

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Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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