I just, recently, had my birthday and it was a good one. Well, the evening was great and the day was strange. It was actually on Friday and I opted not to take the day off which meant I drove to the beach to see a client instead. By the time I got home I just had a few moments before leaving again to a dinner party that my friends had for me. That part was great.
I spend most of my days doing things for others. I always want to make sure they’re ok and see if they need anything. If my friends are happy then that helps make me a little less depressed, I guess. BUT I want ONE day a year. That’s my birthday. No one has to buy me anything, send me a card or anything. Literally all I want is a “Happy Birthday” from those around me.
The closest people in my life know this. It’s not about celebrating getting older or a party or anything. It’s all about one day a year when those close to me can acknowledge me. I’m very particular about this. It’s almost an insult to me if someone can’t just acknowledge someone one day of the year.
I started getting birthday messages in the days before my birthday and they kept coming. It’s as if I kept a mental notebook in my head and checked off those that said it to me. Whether it be a phone call, a text message or showing up in person, I was happy.
On the way home from dinner that night, after having a great time and a little bit to drink, I was talking with my friend and she felt the same as I do. It’s the tiniest of acknowledgements that doesn’t take much out of their day to do. With all the amazing people in my life, ones that I hadn’t talked to for probably a year reaching out, why was it the few that couldn’t or just didn’t say a thing?
It boils down to this for me… I will drop everything for a friend, any day, any time and I have for a lot of people. I try to be selfless. I try to be considerate all the time. Granted, it doesn’t always work out like that but for the few people that I have been there for that couldn’t reach out to say anything. It’s proof that some of these people are toxic and selfish and only care about themselves.
This is the perfect time in my life and in this, still, New Year, to get rid of those people. Every time I say that it sounds so harsh except for the fact that it’s obviously not important for them so why should I care about the relationship any longer? The sad fact is that even though I’m venting here I would probably still drop everything for a few of those people and help if needed. But I realize THAT’S the reason why I feel so drained at times is because I’m doing all the work. I’m emptying the sinking ship with a bucket and they’re still pretty watching the sun set or some shit.
I acknowledge all the great selfless people in my life as much as I possibly can. These are the people that I would truly miss if anything happened to them and the ones that go out of their way, if just for one day (which is all I ask for). However, days like my birthday only highlight the selfishness of others in my world. So answer me this? Why do I attract selfish people? Why do I attract people that excuse their mistakes and think that it’s ok to treat others like shit?
I don’t do nice, considerate, selfless things for others for any reciprocation but I don’t feel like asking to be remember on one day is too much. That’s my whole point and I will write about it, be angry for a moment and then move on without those people. Three people to be exact. Three people that couldn’t just say “HBD”.
There, now that’s out. I don’t really have much to write about other than that. I know that, in the past when I’ve been quiet, it usually means I’m seeing someone but I am not. There is not even a “potential” on the horizon right now. I think the out-of-state guy got the hint that I didn’t want anything with him. There’s another guy that thinks I’ll go out with him even though I’ve told him I’m not interested but aside from that I’ve actually been spending a lot of time at home. Which is weird for me. There’s dinner out a few nights a week but aside from that I’m actually being extremely boring.
I have no reason for this. I mean, I just don’t feel like going out but the part that sucks more is that I’ve not been going on my meditative drives around the city either. I guess that’s why I also feel antsy. I’ve been so inside my head lately as well that it’s crazy. I mean, I live in there most of the time but this is strange, way more than normal.
I read this article the other day that some people don’t have internal voices. I don’t mean that I “hear voices” or anything but they just don’t live in their heads… It must be nice because trust me, if I could get out of my head sometimes I would.
Sitting at my birthday dinner there was, 7 of us and every now and then even though I was having a great time, I found myself quiet and thinking about shit that I had no reason to be thinking about. I realize I sound crazy sometimes but I promise I’m not. I know that I’m still kind of working on being sad a lot. But I feel that it’s situational depression. I don’t know if that makes things better or not.
I need to do something soon or this depressed boredom will make me crazy. I mean, aside from cleaning my home which is in desperate need of happening. I’ve been binging TV lately too. Somedays I’m watching till 3 am. I’ve gotten obsessed with Billions and Ray Donovan lately and I think I’m drawn to those shows because there’s this dynamic that the main couples show. It’s this King/Queen type of power couple. I’ve always been so attracted to that.
I like that “power couple” dynamic. I’ve said that before. Maybe that’s what I need. I need a man that’s a King so that I can power up from my Princess status to being a Queen. No, I don’t think I’m a princess but I’ve been called that because I’m the only girl where I work and have been for years. I’m good with that because I’ve been called worse. 🙂
Regardless of my post, I’m in a decent mood especially since most of my emotions I’ve just let out of my head so I’m ok. I’m going to carry on being boring now. Hope you all are having an awesome week.