It’s the holiday season. Can you feel it? It’s all about family and friends and joy. I feel it. Even on my bad days I still feel it. My mind is still not where it needs to be and a phone call letting me know someone in my circle (outer circle) had passed away last week didn’t help with that but I am still trying to stay in a good mood.
I realize that I shouldn’t “try” and that I should just BE in a good mood but I don’t think my mind works like that. I still feel disconnected and out of sorts if that makes sense. So, for some reason at 2 this morning I decided to join a dating app. Yep you read that right. Now, I’ve told you all stories about how I got on a couple other dating apps. One was a FWB’s that we’d sit around and play on it then another was a friend who set it up for me and paid for it because I lost a bet. I’m not a fan of dating sites. I don’t believe that’s an organic way of meeting people.
I have always felt that dating apps were forced interaction. You have to come up with something witty then continue some sort of dialogue that keeps you both entertained. Well, this is where my A.D.D. comes in to play. Usually I’ll talk to someone for a moment or two then I’ll get bored and if I don’t feel some sort of instant connection then it’s over before it began.
These are the reasons why I usually end up having the best relationships with someone who started out as a friend. Because we already have that connection, we get along and it’s not stressful trying to keep up appearances. We both already know each others quirks and it’s comfortable. My problem, especially now a-days, is that it’s hard to have that friend connection with a sexual attraction that keeps my body, mind and heart entertained. Also, since I’m so used to “checking out” of the outside world so much I need someone who’s cool with that or that has the ability to pull me back to reality.
My friend and I decided to drive to the beach Friday night out of pure boredom. We started a discussion about fate/destiny because I’d read this quote on some social media site that said, “You can’t fuck anything up that is meant for you. So stop being so scared (ego/fear) what will happen. Trust your intuition and let your heart and soul guide you on this journey. I promise you, you can’t mess anything up that is meant for you.”
I’d asked her if she believed in fate/destiny and if she believed in the quote that I’d read. It turned into a pretty interesting conversation. She said she believed in more than one soulmate where-as I do not. I believe that we have many soul connections but only one soulmate. I joked that I must have been taking a nap when my soulmate came knocking on my door.
I’ve had a lot of soul connections in my life, some were here for decades and some only short blips. Soul connections come to teach you things. Make you remember things and wake things in you that you’d forgotten about. It doesn’t mean they stay. Some do though and maybe some of those turn into something deeper and maybe one of those turns into your soulmate. Who knows?
I do understand that each relationship is like a flower and you have to water, feed and even speak to it to let it grow. I have no problems watering and feeding any relationship except my problem is the talking to. I have a massive aversion to reaching out. I’ve said this before but I could be thinking of someone non-stop for days and still never reach out. I could blame it on being an Aquarius except it’s just a flaw of mine. There’s people in my life that I absolutely LOVE and if they didn’t reach out to me we’d have no contact what-so-ever. I’ve had soul connections with people that I’d never reached out to and it hurt. It hurts knowing that all I’d have to do is text, call or message some of these people and they’d be back in my life but I won’t, or don’t.
Those are the reasons that I’d asked my friend if she believed in the quote about, “You can’t fuck up what’s meant for you”. I’m not sure she really gave me a definitive answer but I hope that it’s true. There’s lots of people in my life that I’d like to have a better connection with and I leave it in fates hands whether they stay in my life or not. Maybe I do THAT out of fear/ego.
So what do I expect to accomplish through a dating app? I have no idea. The weird thing is that I don’t expect to meet anyone through it. Maybe I’ll have some weird but good conversations which I should probably be having with the men in my life that I already know but refuse to reach out to… Who knows. What I do know is that life happens in a strange way for me. Maybe I do meet someone. Maybe I meet them and start dating them then I take a trip around the world and decide that I fall in love with another part of the world and move there. That sounds amazing right now. But since that’s not going to happen immediately I have to find some way aside from just working out and going out to be happily surprised at life right now.
My friend, the other night, had said something that stuck with me though and it’s something that I’ve thought about and even brought up before. She said that she uses her heart too much or listens to her heart too much. That was her issue (her words). I’d said that I rarely listen to my heart and that I use my head all the time. She said maybe I should listen to my heart for once. The problem with this is that I think most men are used car salesmen. Not literally but they all want to sell you something. They want you to do something for them, they’re cashing in favors even before they’ve racked up points to use them. They’re full of lies and bullshit. I know that sounds like a very jaded version of men the truth here is that most of reaction to men is based off the ones that I’ve known through work, not even dated.
Most of the men that I’ve dated have been amazing men. They just weren’t for me. I know what I like. I do feel like Goldilocks at times. I think that one bed is too hard and one bed is too soft and I haven’t found the bed that’s just right. But whether or not any of that matters I think I’m going to conduct an experiment for the remainder of this year. I am going to use my heart instead of my head to do my thinking. Lets see how this works. I am intrigued to see what this experiment has to offer because right now, I feel so starved for intimacy that I am going crazy. Wish me luck. 🙂
Hope you all have the best week ever! xXx