Boring Nights Verses the Reality of a Dream…

It’s official, every single year around this time, my niece takes me down with some sort of illness. Kids and their little micro germs. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I spent time with her over Thanksgiving and I’d chose to feel like this after, ever time as long as she and I got to spend our time together. She is the one person in my life that has my whole heart. I remember her first Christmas where I held her all day in my arms and almost bit off the hand of anyone else that tried to hold her. She slept all day just like that. Fast forward a few years and she and I are buried underneath a blanket of plush animals snuggled together while watching a Christmas movie, all while her little germs permeate my immune system.

The next day, on the way back home, I knew I was about to be sick. I could feel it. As I’m on my 2 hour car ride home and my boss is talking my ear off about his broken heart which I’ve heard 1,000 times in a month, all I could think was, “Damn it, I’ll be down for two weeks”. For some reason I’ve always hated going to see the Doctor for something as simple as antibiotics which puts me out sick for 2 weeks. This year was different. My boss forced me to go to the doctor and get a script for something which has actually sped my recovery beyond years past.

But within this week things have been quiet. I’ve done as much work as I could before slipping in and out of consciousness and helped where I could. I’ve been lounging around in sweat pants with a runny nose and avoiding the phone as much as possible as I am not a pretty sound right now. So this week has been painfully boring. You all know when my life gets boring is when I start having these strange thoughts to run away, do something spontaneous or hit up some old flames to pass the time. I’ve done none of it though but did have a thought provoking conversation with my GBF tonight.

He was asking about my year in boyfriends, or boys in general. My reply was that it’s been pretty unproductive. I guess that’s not the entire truth but it’s not like there’s been a lot that I can talk about in public. I mean, married men all over the place. There was one at the beginning of the year and he was boring but attached. There was another one that was married that had “feelings for me” which I had absolutely no attraction for what-so-ever – he’s been blocked. There was another one that was sleeping with a friend that wants to continue something with me after he was done with her that I had absolutely no attraction to – he’s been blocked. There’s one that I am really good friends with that’s leaving to work in another country so we’ll still get to talk and I like talking to him but he’s married. The last one, THAT one, the one that I will probably always be attracted to but will never see again and he’s married.

These boys got my GBF and I talking about what I should have done differently all year. But it started with me asking the guy that’s leaving the country why married men are attracted to me and he said, “Well, cause you’re cool, down-to-earth, and because you don’t nit-pick. You’re down for whatever and you have a temptressness about you.” I don’t even think that’s a word but never would have said that before this year. Truth is that none of those guys saw 100% of who I am and never really cared to either. But now that I’ve said that I don’t know that anyone has, or even come close.

So what would I have done differently this year? Well, the boring and attached, I would have been done with him sooner. The one that had feelings for me I would have made it even more simple that I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him what-so-ever. The one that was sleeping with a friend first, I would have not tried to help him so much with advice, apparently me giving him dating advice was just wrong and I would have probably have blocked him sooner. The one that’s leaving I probably wouldn’t have done anything different with him because I kind of like where we’re at with each other. There’s no cheating but some great conversations and a little bit of sexting. The last one, Oh the last one… Being that I will probably never see him again I’d probably have had sex with him back in a parking lot months ago, then at least, he’d be out of my system and I could stop thinking about him. I mean it’s just sex anyway.

But instead of having the sex I’ve tried to move him to this box of “business friendship” where I try to help him out using my connections at work. I don’t understand why it’s so important for me to help him though. He’s never really done anything outstanding for me. He’s never been overly nice to me. Yes, we have a crazy sexual chemistry but that’s all. I’ve talked about this before that what I’m doing isn’t happening organically. It doesn’t feel right. It’s weird. But it’s so important for me to hit up people that I’ve done business with for at least a decade to help him that I find myself wondering why… and I’m at a loss.

I don’t really know him well. What I do know about him is from rumors of others and it’s not been very nice but still I want to help. Maybe it’s my need to find a purpose for everyone that I meet and as of right now I don’t know why I met him. Maybe it’s the sexual chemistry except if I don’t ever see him again then what does that matter? I am really at a loss for what this one is supposed to have taught me and why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive.

These are the things I think about on a life hiatus  while being sick. I asked the universe for the answer but she has a funny way of not answering me in a plain and simple way so there’s no confusion. Instead, I keep having this recurring dream that he comes over, drunk one night and we dance in the dark to an old jazz record of mine and then we have sex for hours until he falls asleep. Then I go to the patio in just a t-shirt and watch the rain. He comes out and just wraps his arms around me and tells me that he doesn’t want to wake up and have me not be next to him… Then I wake up.

Is this my subconscious telling me that I’m needing some romance in my life, the romance that I’ve pushed away for years? I have no idea and now I think that my NyQuil has kicked in because I’m talking about romance with a guy that I don’t even know, or even know if I even like, or that I’ll ever see again. Maybe it’s just me thinking about the last time that I actually felt anything at all. Who knows?… But since I have an excuse that I’m on medicine here’s to dancing in the dark to jazz records, lots and lots of sex and kisses on the neck in the rain.

Nite… xXx

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Stolen Towels and Revelations…

So I had a revelation tonight as I’m staring at my hurricane hand-me-down stolen Hilton towel in the bathroom. It’s about the L-word. Obviously there’s a problem if I can’t even say the word. But this is not a new revelation.

It’s obvious that I’ve spent years pining after a love that I never really wanted. Not just with THE friend but with all men. I mean look at the guys I’ve loved or been interested in. They were all immune to reciprocation and I’ve known that the entire time. But now, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. It’s been so long that I try too damn hard to make sure that what I’m feeling is not just so the other side of the bed isn’t empty verses what actual true love is.

This whole thinking started, really, a few days ago. My psychic friend and I were sitting talking about life, love and all things that entails and she was saying that I’ve never really been open to it before and that it was more a desperate plea to not be alone. So to all the boys I’ve loved before, I guess I didn’t. Oops. Okay so that’s not entirely true BUT it’s more true than it’s not.

The point is that I’ve never loved a man more than I feared losing my independence. That’s the truth and strangely something that I’ve learned this year and even stranger it’s something that I’ve learned a lot from married men.

One of these married men and I are good friends. He and I talk for hours. I usually text him stupid things when I’m drunk and it’s late at night but it’s stuff that I’d text any friend. Nothing too racy. The other night though he was telling me about getting into a fight with his wife. He said he’d called in sick to work and just decided to go out with a friend of his instead. Apparently he got smashed drunk and they went to a strip club then across state lines to gamble. As he’s telling me this I exclaimed, (in my fake pissed off voice) how I was terribly upset that I didn’t get a drunk text from him as payback for the ones I sent him. His reply, for some reason, shocked me. He said he knew that if he’d texted me he would have spent the night at my place and he knew what would have happened.

Why did this shock me? Well, because I literally have always thought that we’d always just jokingly bantered back and forth and have NEVER realistically thought that anything would have ever happened but he was so honest about it that it made me think. This made me think to the point that I was literally searching google for “Why do I attract married men”. Guess what? I’m not the only one. There’s a whole club of us. There were a few different reasons why but the one that stuck with me was the one about a man being able to sense that we don’t want anything long term. They assume we’re just “fun” and they enjoy talking to us, spending time with us and essentially they are choosing “Us” as the ones that ensure their cocks aren’t lonely on those nights when they’re feeling less than perfect about their own lives.

In a way, I suppose, it’s some sort of a compliment or a standing ovation (if you will) for the women that we are. The problem with this is that a lot of these woman that they go after ARE looking for something bigger and better than a one night stand or to be the “side-chick” to their Mister’s lives and then it becomes true to script , as in He’s Just Not That In To You, that WE are mostly made up of women that are the rule and NOT the exception to the rule. As the rule and not the exception there are no romantic notions that they will leave their lives and proceed with anything with their mistresses.

The point here is that I knew there would be nothing going on with my friend above but somehow he took it further in just what his intentions WOULD have been. I had this brief moment of pain in my stomach that was more about losing a friend over what “might” have happened. It’s weird. Then in essentially the same day, I realized that I wanted to move the drummer from whatever weird place we’d left things over to just friend territory. So I offered my help with something. Now, he and I are in this weird space of, “well, we both want to fuck each other but that’s never going to happen so lets turn this into a weird friendship/business relationship”. And when the first “business like exchange” came through I felt weird about that because I realized that the other part of our relationship is over. A very short lived, don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, massive sexual tension filled banter, is over.

I feel like I’m forcing some sort of relationship with him now, whether it’s a friendship or a business relationship it’s not coming organically and I can feel that. It’s uneasy and I don’t like it. I don’t like things that are not easily connected or organic and in my mind it’s because he was one of those guys who I spoke about above that was just trying to make sure his cock wasn’t lonely on those nights we got “friendly”.

But helping the drummer above led me to another guy that I’ve not spoken to for a year and a half. This other guy and I used to talk a lot and again for hours. See, these are the friendships that just happen. They are never forced. But I’d reached out to this guy to ask a favor for the drummer and he’d exclaimed that he’d lost everything including his home, belongings, and had several family members die or get sick in the last year. After all of what he’s gone through he’d admitted that he was depressed as well. Since that day I’ve been checking up on him and he said that he was so appreciative and felt so much better since we’d been talking. We have plans to go out soon but because of recent events all I could think is, “What if this guy goes in for a kiss” and for some reason that scared the shit out of me. Because he’s damaged? No, because we all are. Because he’s needy? No but because he’s single… Yep, get it now?

The friend above didn’t scare me because his advances were just drunken thoughts.

The drummer doesn’t scare me because he’s unavailable.

The kid didn’t scare me because he doesn’t even know how to love himself.

None of those situations above scared me because they were non-existent, rules and not the exceptions, situations. I had other emotions about them but none were because they scared me. So, now that I know all this, I need to figure out WHY love scares the hell out of me? Is it from the things that might come with love? The hurt, pain and damage? Is it easier to just be in a shell that lets no one in so I don’t crack?

Humans seem simple until you start dissecting them. Emotions are these intricate woven lines of roads inside ones mind and soul. One leads to the head, the next to the heart and lastly to the groin… We’re complicated and basic and these feelings and emotions make us dumb and smart and loyal and hurt and broken. There’s no rationalizing emotions because they’re not rational. I feel anger when I should feel flattery and I feel sadness when I should feel excited. Maybe my woven emotional highways are closed for construction. Who knows… that’s all I have now. Nite xxx

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Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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The Anniversary post… about masochism.

So I missed the anniversary of my total life change, the flood last year. But I’m choosing to write about another anniversary first. I have been with my boss (in a work relationship) for almost two decades… Do you realize just how long that is? Most people can’t even make their own marriages last that long. He didn’t. But because of this, he and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over it.

So, the first thing to understand is that my boss is a narcissistic douche and I tell him that every chance I get BUT I love my job and my customers, plus I’m good at it. There’s also some sort of poetic justice that I’m able to cuss out my boss, tell him to fuck off on a daily basis, scream and yell and then five minutes later go back like nothing happened. He’s terrible though. He’s uncaring, selfish, pathological. So why am I still there really? Does this go back to me being a masochist? That’s the real question.

Let’s go over my history… Do you know how many men in my life and wanted a “forever” with me and I’ve turned them all down? Lots. I’ve got engagement rings in a safety deposit box to prove it. Yes, more than one. So there’s many men that wanted to love me, take care of me and be there for me but instead I say no. Instead, I opt for men that are completely unavailable. Knowing they’re unavailable I still choose to spend time with them and some I get feelings for some I don’t but deep down I know it’ll never be anything meaningful. Then, I work for some horrible asshole, knowing that there’s a lot to this job that he can’t do or doesn’t want to so we have what we jokingly, sadly, refer to as a work marriage. I’ve actually told him that when I do leave his ass, finally, he’ll owe me alimony.

 

Masochism: the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.

If these things above are true, which they are, then my definition I am a masochist. I suppose it would be easier to just take the healthy route and find a lover to just spank the shit out of me right? I don’t even know at this point. Or, and here’s a better option, I’m just stuck in a rut. A very long, very real rut.

I like to learn, a lot. If I don’t know about something I’ll try to figure it out on my own. So, reading up on why people tend to lean toward the pain side of things there’s a lot that comes up. First, abuse, or having other shitty things happen to you as a child. Check. Next, just the inclination of pain itself that doesn’t actually have to have anything to do with anything. You just like it. Maybe it’s all the above or maybe it’s something that I’m not even thinking about yet. I don’t even know.

I wrote a post a few back about getting in touch with an old music producer/friend of mine and he was shocked that I wasn’t in the music industry. I think that made things worse in my head. Especially when he said that out of this whole group of kids he’d known back then it was only me and one other that he thought would truly “have made it”. It’s kind of a back-handed compliment but he didn’t mean it like that. Even today he said, “almost 20 years… really?”.

Aside from all that, I’ve gone out on three dates over the last couple weeks knowing that there was absolutely NO connection or chemistry. Why? Okay, so the answer to all these questions, in case you hadn’t figured it out is I’M A MASOCHIST! I usually know within about five minutes of meeting someone if there is something there or not. Of course, lately, I’ve had to ask them first if they are single and NOT married. The last guy I had chemistry with I’m not even sure I’ll ever actually see or talk to again but is married. The one before that I think I fell for the idea of loving him to save him knowing that it wasn’t even real. It’s strange the realizations that you have AFTER the fact, when the smoke has cleared and that person isn’t standing in front of you staring at you with lust in their eyes. I tend to think clearly away from those situations. Still NEVER felt that much sexual tension before and I do that all over again because I’m a masochist. I’d get all sweaty with a guy that I have absolutely NO future with. See, I need to find a way to break these patterns. It’s getting fucking ridiculous. I can find a rhyme or reason for everything that I do but these patterns need to STOP.

One of the dates that I had was commenting on how he thought I’d make a great wife. Don’t be freaked, we’ve know each other for a while. He was naming off all these really great qualities about me and I’m not going to disagree with anything he had to say. I would make an awesome wife… For the right man. BUT where is the right man? At this stage in my life I’m going to move to a small town, change my name and just get a dog, maybe have someone knock me up so that I can raise a kid who has better luck than I do. I swear, on my good days, I’m much more poetic than this but it’s been a crappy couple of weeks.

Back to my original story though, my boss’s girlfriend basically said to him, “Seriously, she’s been there for you for almost 20 years and you couldn’t even get her flowers?”. This started a huge fight and him screaming at her to mind her own business and then I just felt like shit because they’re fight was about me. I mean realistically it’s not about me but something deeper but it started because of me and I feel like shit because of that. It really sucks to be empathetic sometimes. I’d much rather go through life apathetic but we don’t get to chose.

Those are my thoughts tonight. As I said, none of which are poetic at all. I think I’m just voicing my frustration out. That is all… xxx

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The History of Connections…

I’ve had the weirdest week. Now, for me, that’s saying something. My week has been all about reconnections. I’ve found people I that I’d lost. I reconnected with people that I thought I’d never hear from again and found out one thing… We can all change peoples lives just by acknowledging something real about them from our past.

I’ll start with the first one. When I was a teenager I my best friends girlfriend and I were close. Not so close that it was a real bond that has stood the test of time but close enough for us to have a few memorable nights. One of those nights, I was sitting in her bedroom and her brother came in. He and I started talking about French and German existentialism because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 15 and want to seem deeper than you really are. It was the only real conversation that he and I had ever really had but at the end of it he gave me a book. It’s called When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin D Yalom. Keep in mind that this was 25 years ago. But through all my purges I’d kept this book. To be honest with you it wasn’t because it was a good read, in fact, I don’t actually remember ever reading it. I kept it because it was something that someone gave (let me borrow) and it had his hand written poetry inside.

I randomly saw this guy pop up on my “You might know this person” on Facebook. So one day I finally decided to send him a friend request. He’d quickly accepted but a few days later had sent me a message asking if we actually knew each other because my name sounded so familiar. You see, there’s another part to this. We both have another mutual friend that is in trouble in this town for his behavior. That’s a story for a bit further down this blog but he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t a “plant” trying to get information out of him about our mutual friend.

I explained to him our history and sent him a picture of the book. He then said, “Please don’t think this is to much and I hope it’s not but I’ve not cried for months, not really. But this – this got me.. in that healing and good and cathartic manner that crying can be”. It was more than the book but it was our history and the fact that I chose to keep it after all these years. I’m not going to lie. It made me cry too. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and this was just one of them. So there we are, two old friends, reliving times that we’d forgotten and having a cathartic cry. Then to top things off, I’d sent him a pic of the poetry that he’d written in all of the pages and all he could do is repeatedly thank me for making his week. I was so touched.

I have to admit that since the hurricane almost a year ago I’ve become much more in touch with my feelings. It’s a weird thing for me. So, so many things have changed for me. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than this time last year. Mostly, it’s all happening in randomness. Which leads me to my second and most amazing story.

You all know, here, how much I LOVE music and how much it means to me. Every about it. Well 23 years ago I sat in a music recording studio with four boys. Yes, we were all basically kids. The producer that was there, I have always admired, appreciated and looked for. I wasn’t like, crazy stalker-girl or anything but I’d occasionally do some random searching for his name but never came up with anything. I never assumed he’d remember some “groupie” girl that was just in the background. I always knew this experience would always mean more to me than it did to him but it was and has always been so important to me to tell him how much he meant to me.

Well, on one of my “I’m bored, lets search” searches I came across his name. I’d emailed him and asked if he was the owner of a studio in Houston years ago and to my excitement he replied with an enthusiastic “Yes!”. So, remember when I told you that this week had been emotional… I instantly cried. Like tears streaming down, excited and nostalgic balling. I’d decided to go through my old photos, which were thankfully saved from flood waters. I was remember all our conversations and to my surprise and delight the producer had said he’d remember me and gave me his phone number to call him over the weekend.

After a bit of miscommunication trying to get one another we finally were on the phone this afternoon and reminiscing. He’d said that out of all the people that came in his studio with that band he remembered the bass player and me the most fondly and he’d always assumed we’d be the one’s the “make it”. I kept saying, “Are you sure you’re thinking of the right girl” and to my surprise not only did he describe me but recited one of the most prolific conversations I’ve ever had with anyone which we’d had while sitting on the steps of a local bar which has since been closed. He’d said that he was telling his hair dresser about me today and she asked him if he’d been “good”. His reply shocked me. He said that he told her, “It’s weird, yes I was good but I knew that she was only 16/17 at the time and all I could think of was how great our conversations were. He’d admitted that he felt awkward back then being able to talk to me the way he did.

Don’t miss understand, our conversations were never anything sexual and there were no sexual overtones either. But he said he had to keep reminding himself of my age. Now, he’s invited me to come stay with him in the northeast where he lives. I’d realized quickly that NOW he realized I’m much old and our conversations were still flowing after a 23 year sabbatical from each other. He’d asked if I was single so my assumption that nothing is off limits now is a bit more realistic.

The best part though was hearing about his past, after the band. Where he’s been. What he’s done. I’d told him that I often tell his teachings to others. I love telling people about him because he was one of the few adult figures in my life that I truly respected and taught me as if I was his equal even though he knew and knows far more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. But, as I’m telling him the story that I, so often repeat to others, he’s just on the other end of the phone saying, “Wow, yes! Yes! That’s it. You remember. Wow.”.

I finalized the conversation by telling him that I just wanted to make sure he knew that he was, is and has been a mentor of mine for 23 years. I wanted to thank him for that and tell him that I am blessed to have known him. We traded more contact information and he’s sending me some of the bands history.

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually take him up on his offer to come stay with him, although tempting, I am blown away with the impression that he had of me back then. I always assumed that he just thought of me as some kid but no he never did. In fact, he thought of me much more fondly that I’d ever expect. I know of all the people that touch my lives and yet, for some reason, I’m always shocked when it goes the other direction.

Relationships are NEVER coincidence. There is always a purpose. I say that a lot but I realize that now more than ever. I think that’s why I was so drawn to the drummer. I always thought that there was some other purpose for us to “find” each other. I’m, of course, desperately sexually attracted to him but it has to be more than that. I can’t have him like that and because I won’t cross those boundaries I’ve made a pact with my friend to not go see the band for a very long time. He’d said that he was drawn to me and that we had chemistry and that when he’s around me he wants to, or does things that he’s not supposed to do so I’ve made it easy by staying away so he’s not put in the position to be bad.

My point is, I think part of the reason we found each other was to fulfill a need in me to be around a great and brilliant musician. While I met him in a cover band, I’ve seen his work as an original artist and good. Great even. I actually told him once, “For me, watching you play the drums is like watching an erotic porn”. I meant every word of that too. But it’s hard to believe that our story is over. It’s hard to believe that he will no longer be a character in my storybook. Watching him, watching the band and being friends with them brought me back to so much of my younger years and so maybe he was just placed in my story so that I can have nostalgia flashbacks. Who knows?!

The friend and I were actually placed back into each others lives again. This times it’s different though. His heart is broken and he needs a friend. This time, I’m there as a FRIEND completely. We actually talk now and, hopefully, listen to each other. I realized, as he’s telling me about his heartbreak, that all I wanted for him to be happy. Before, all I wanted was for him to be happy, with me. Things with us are probably how they always should have been if my “feelings” didn’t get in the way. I have always wanted him to succeed though and I’m glad that he’d found someone that helped him do that. I’d always thought it would have been me that helped him but after years of systematic masochistic abuse on both our parts I released him and the power he had over me. I released my attachment to him completely. He and I will never be more than what we are right now but what we are right now is so much better than anything we’d been in the past.

So tonight, I am blessed and thankful for re-uniting with old friends. Getting to hear how I influence them and being able to tell them how much I appreciate them. If you have someone in your life that you appreciate make sure that today, you tell them. It never hurts to give someone a compliment and that is one huge compliment.

Nite xxx

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The Reasons Why and What We Might Never Know…

I have this theory. It’s part of the reason why I’ve been at my job for so long. Something in my life, inevitably happens to the next “big thing”. Sounds obvious right? But it’s not always.

So my first real “big corporate job” led me to the company that I work for now. That job has led me to a guy I dated that I thought (at the time) I was in love with but don’t really think I was. That, years later led me to being best friends, sisters, with his wife. That wife led me to a band and that band led me to a guy… or a few.

My question, now, is where does this lead me now? The band thing is over due to recent circumstances. However, and this is a funny twist of fate but the one band member that I really wasn’t sure about, my friends Mister, is the only one that I still talk to or have been talking to all week. I’ve not seen, heard from or talked to the drummer and won’t. But my friend had been upset about how things went last weekend for her. So, being the friend that I am, I reached out to her Mister.

I basically said, “Look she’s really upset and asking if you’re done. Are you going to say anything to her or just never speak to her again?” That was sent earlier in the day and I didn’t really expect a text back for a while. I did, however, wake up to a text reply at 7 am the next day, “I’ve got bigger things to think about. Can you talk?”. This was from her Mister.

I replied around 9 am, since I was working, and said that I could and asked what was wrong. Apparently, his wife who was supposed to be out of town for three weeks had returned early and just started yelling at him about wanting a divorce and that she knew everything he’d been doing. He’d asked me if I thought that my friend would have said something to his wife in anger.

Okay, so here’s where my vault of secrets almost explodes. I’ve kept so many secrets for so many people for such a long time, it can seem overwhelming at times and now, I was about to keep another one.

There was no way in hell that I believe my friend would have reached out to his wife in any way, shape or form. That’s the truth. I basically talked him down from the edge all week. I’ve been checking in on him, discussing all kinds of personal things in his life. Basically being the friend that he needs right now. I don’t really think this guy has anyone to talk to. I actually started to feel like I was betraying my friend because I now have all these secrets about her Mister and have to shove all those back in my secret vault too.

When I told him that he should feel a bit secure because she and I will not be going to anymore gigs anymore his reply was, “I’ll miss seeing you. I really like seeing you there… and HER too”. I then felt guilty for that. See, he and I have always had a very strange relationship because he’s always felt comfortable in saying things to me that he could never to her. I felt like I had the friendship with him that I actually wanted with the drummer. It’s all been a cluster fuck.

But this leads me back to, what’s next? Ever since a week ago I’ve been in the worst funk I’ve had since moving back here after the hurricane. I’ve gone out a few times but I don’t want to see my friend. I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’ve been sad, possibly depressed and mostly wanted to sleep for days on end. But why?

I’ve already made my appointment to see my Shaman friend to get her input because I asked for one thing under setting intentions under the full moon and got something totally different. So, where will that lead me? I know I’m upset knowing that I won’t be seeing the band again because, regardless of all the drama that’s surround it I really missed being a band-aid. I’ll miss the obvious, sexual chemistry that I shared with the drummer that’s been unmatched in all my life. That’s saying something too because I LOVE sex. ALL THE TIME! But what else is with me?

I think a lot of my mood has to do with what I’d asked for and what I got in return. I feel like stomping my feet and screaming “WHERE’S MY HAPPY?” like a spoiled child. I’m angry at all the couples that claim to be happy and yet always have one eye out for something/someone different. I’m mad that I’m keeping so many secrets. I’m pissed that I have all this great wisdom when it comes to relationships and love and yet it’s all wasted on me because the men that I meet that actually are available I have no connection to. I’m pissed about promises made and promises broken and I’m angry at all the liars out there.

So I guess I’m mad/angry/pissed/upset at a lot of things right now and haven’t brought myself to find a powerful healthy outlet just yet. All I can do is write things here but then I feel, as I stated the other day, when the universe finds out I’m even the slightest bit happy it does whatever it takes to fucked that up.

Is this my reality right now or someone else’s nightmare? I’m just so thoroughly confused about what my next step is and where IT will lead me. I want peace and health and healthy relationships and SEX ALL THE TIME. I want to WANT to get out of bed in the mornings and I want real relationships where I don’t have to keep secrets. I also what to know what all the with the drummer was about because right now it seems even smaller than just a blip on my roadmap of my life.

It’s strange. I’ve been hunkered down in my home for days now. I’ve only occasionally gone outside to run menial tasks, go to dinner or some nights to just drive around listening to music but right now I’m just sitting on my couch listening to the quiet noise in my home and the clacking of my nails on my laptop. It’s cathartic, it’s simplistic and right now it’s the only thing that’s real.

That’s all for now… xxx

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The Obscurities of Staying Happy…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, because I am such a private person, I need to vent on this blog about my life but as soon as I do I know that things will change. Usually for the worse. I don’t know if that means that the universe finds out that I’m happy and then, like the flick of a finger throws out what was good or if someone is giving me “evil eye” through these pages and hoping that I don’t get to a happy place but either way I hate it.

I just recently put my words on here from last weekend. Truth is, it was a good weekend. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and was in control or so I thought. I’d felt guilty about messing around with someone who was married. That’s the truth but I also knew that their marriage had way more issues that me. This guy is a serial cheater. I knew that. I knew that there were no emotions except sexual and I knew that there was a connection. So, knowing all these things, I’d gone to see my Shaman friend the night before the full moon. I explained the situation to her and she read my cards.

There were a few revelations that came up. The first card she drew was the temptress card. I almost gave her a devil stare. She said, “Right now you are a temptress and are attracting men. Regardless if they are the ones your want or not it’s something about you.” This is not news but it still doesn’t make me understand it any better. Yes, I am in a place where, for some reason, men (usually the wrong ones) are attracted to me) but why? Is it because I say whatever I want and don’t really care who’s standing next to me? Is it because I have this, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about me? What about ME is making me a temptress because right now I DO NOT feel like one.

It’s weird, I’ve been hanging out a lot with my boss’s girlfriend as well lately and she said the same thing. She and I had gone to rent a truck a couple weeks ago and the driver, who didn’t even speak English, asked if he could take me out? “Um seriously, like you JUST meet me 2 minutes ago”. I replied in my best most terrible Spanish that I was taken but was flattered. Luckily, my boss’s girlfriend is fluent in Spanish and cleaned it up a bit. But then, she’d gone to one of the band shows with me a couple weeks ago and told me later that the chemistry between the drummer and I was noticeable. She said you could cut it with a knife. I told her then that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to sleep with him even though I’ve probably NEVER wanted to sleep with someone so much in my life, and this was ONLY because he’s married. I said this knowing that she’d slept with my boss for years while he was married but I don’t censor myself because of someone else’s history.

Moving on to this weekend. The band played on Friday. It would have been one whole week since the drummer and I had even spoken, touched or… with each other. I don’t reach out to him and he doesn’t reach out to me. I guess we just assume we’ll see each other. Actually, I assume if he even wanted to be friends outside of the gigs then he’d reach out to me. BUT I was nervous, excited and tired as hell. But I’d also had a lot of other things on my mind. I was in my head so much that night and my friend was in a bad place because of a ton of stuff going on in her life.

The drive was horrible. I pretty much told my friend that I was out of it and wouldn’t talk much and I didn’t except yelling at the terrible drivers that continually got in my way on our over an hour drive. Part of my drive was contemplative. I thought a lot about all the crazy things that the drummer had said the weekend before. We’d both been drinking but to be honest I don’t think either of us actually were impaired that night. We knew what we were doing.

That night started out harmlessly flirting but at the end of the night I seriously needed and WANTED to get away from my friend because she was wasted and attracting the attention of unwanted men and passing on the unwanted attention of other men to me. I repeatedly told numerous men that night that I was in a relationship just to get them to stop grabbing my ass, trying to blow in my ear and other really annoying things that men do when I DON’T want their attention. Anyway, so I went out back to wait for the crowd to die down and just happened to be waiting on his truck bumper… OK YES! I knew what I was doing. But he came out and we actually had a pretty good conversation. But it quickly turned sexual.

NONE of this was started by me and it hasn’t been any time this has happened. He has always initiated things. But some of the things he was saying were just erotic porn which was poetry to my ears. But the entire time he was speaking we were both dead locked into each others eyes. It was… extreme. I wasn’t looking away and he wasn’t looking away and I knew he wasn’t going to and he knew I wasn’t going to… It was a whole thing.

After about 45 minutes of this porn poetry, that’s when he went in for the kiss that almost never ended. Within minutes he’d found THAT spot on my neck… It’s a special spot that not too many men have found but since he did I asked him to bite me and leave a mark, and that’s why I’ve looked like someone throat punched me for a week now. Then things escalated to the point that I ALMOST was willing to let him take me in the parking lot of this bar. BUT, I’m a lady not a whore AND because I did tell him that I wouldn’t fuck him because he’s married. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THIS TOOK! We have sexual chemistry BUT that’s all.

Here’s where guys will say anything to get laid. At one point he’d asked if I lived alone so he could come over early in the morning, have sex, lay in bed naked all day and then have sex at night. That would be a great night IF he didn’t have to lie about where he was. Then I asked him if he was snipped and he said no he was loaded and that we could have a little Peruvian baby running around. WTF! “I’m sorry. What’s your last name again?” But to be honest with you, the words that he said that pissed me off the most were when he kept introducing me as his “really good friend”. Uh, no, no I’m not. MY really good friends are people that I see outside of a “work” setting. They are ones that I have real conversations with. My ‘really good friends’ are ones that I would give the world to. THAT’S the part that made me realize this is a guy that didn’t really give two shits about the girl on the other side of his face was.

So all these things are what I was thinking about on the drive to go see the band this Friday night. I’d had a work thing so I was more dressed up than normal but still looked cute, I thought. We get to the location and the parking was a mess so we flirted with a valet who worked for another restaurant and asked if he would take our car then bring it back when there was a spot open. He reluctantly agreed but since I’d dropped a 10 lb weight on my toe the day before I was already feeling pain which my 4 in heels made worse.

As we walked inside I saw the drummers truck out front and I got nervous again. WTF! Guys don’t make me nervous. We went in and grabbed a table closest to the band and I sat down while my friend went and finished applying her makeup in the bathroom. He walked passed and said, “I’m so mad at you”. Again, all I could say is WTF? Later he explained that he has been trying to be “good” and I “mind fucked him”. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, not only didn’t that happen, I will reiterate that I have never initiated things and I have ALWAYS stopped them. So, uh, where is my mind fuck? Regardless, it was a strange night. I hadn’t told my friend what had happened even though she basically figured it out when HE confessed about my neck. I thought I’d gotten away with it I made her believe that I’d fallen but that was his big mouth. Neither of us would really keep eye contact and we really didn’t speak that much at all. I was hoping things would have gone better than that but the night was fucked up aside from just “our” weirdness.

My friends Mister was being strange to her and in turn she decides to get pissed off at him and flirt with another guy. Then a guy from the week before shows up and he’s now in stalker territory. So, she didn’t want the guy from last weekend around so she asks the new guy she’s flirting with if he can act as if they’re together so the other guy gets the hint. She’s also doing all this all while her Mister is on stage and couldn’t care less but everyone knows that she’s married so she’s just looking desperate now. I’m tired of having to explain to people that “No, she really is a good person”. It’s not my job to reconstruct other peoples opinions of her. But as the night is dragging on, I’m getting more and more pissed because the drummer “blamed” last weekend on me?

By the time the bands set was over I was almost in a rage. You guys should know by now that it takes A LOT for me to get pissed but beyond that to be in a rage. I’d offered to drive the guitarist’s wife to her car because she’d had to park it far away but the moment she got out and I made sure her car started and she was safe I started yelling. I was yelling, then screaming, then just incoherent. “How dare you blame your infidelity on me. How dare you act as though I’m just some fucking whore now that YOU feel guilty about it you serial fucking cheater. How dare you claim that we’re such good friends and you treat me THAT way”. At one point my friend started talking about her Mister and I just fucking yelled, “Seriously, we’ve been talking about YOU for six months. Shut the fuck up and let me have five minutes”.

Just FYI, that’s NOT who I am. I am not someone who screams and yells and tells people to shut the fuck up. I am also NOT a stupid woman. But that’s who I was last night. You all also know that I am so blessed with the most amazing friends that would do anything for me if I was in need and asked and that I do that in return. I LOVE my friends and I don’t take calling or being called a friend lightly. So that’s why that pissed me off so much. I also realize that some of this anger is because I feel guilty. I know that if given the chance or the drummer just show up at my place I wouldn’t be able to say no because we have THAT much sexual chemistry but now I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him.

I liked our banter that one night back and forth. I think that he’s a brilliant musician. I like the chemistry between us both but that’s where it ends. I don’t know much about him except that we’re both Aquarius’s and we both read each other and know what the others going to do and say. Botton line is I always wanted a friendship from him and could have left all that sexual banter as just sexual tension that would have extinguished itself out one day but we don’t even have that chance any more. The difference between our mild flirtation being over and my friend and her Mister being over is that I won’t just go out and easily replace mine with just someone else. That’s not my style.

I’ll keep our/his secrets because that’s what I do but our short chapter is now closed. Too bad it only warranted a PG 13 rating but at least neither of us have to deal with the guilt any longer. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes strangers are just a season. Maybe we’ll meet in another life when we’re in different places than we are today.

I’m grateful for my quiet home tonight where I can reflect and move on. I’m grateful for my true friends that would NEVER let me down and know just how great of a friend I am. I am grateful for every experience I have because I know that I learn from everything. That’s what life is about, experiences and learning and enjoying while we’re all here.

xxx

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