The Power of Fear… And Other Feelings.

Today was a long and stressful day. I drove all day just to end up among drunk sweaty men. My first drive had me going to a job I’d had 20 years ago. Yep, I’d started working at a bank before my current boss poached me from there. There are very few people that I know that still work there but there was one. He’s a nice, bland boy that used to take me to expensive stuffy bars after work. He was a lot cuter back then but hey, we’ve all aged.

We spoke for a while today while he was showing me his wife and new baby. During this playbill of his life he’d admitted to me that he really wanted to date me back then. So, hearing this enough made me ask the only question I could, “Why didn’t you ask?” So these were his three reasons: 1.) You made it pretty clear you wanted to stay in the “friendzone”. 2.) I was afraid because you’re intimidating and 3.) I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

So, this is not the first time I’ve heard those responses either but obviously it got me thinking. 1.) I’m sure I made it pretty clear but you never tried anything either so I never knew you wanted to. 2.) I’m intimidating? WTF… 95% of the time I feel like like is intimidating, getting out of bed is but I do it anyway. Am I really that intimidating? Maybe, I can come across as a cold heart bitch. It’s true. How do I change that? Should I? 3.) You didn’t want to ruin the friendship? But what if it was supposed to grow? To be better? You’ll never know.

And why will he never know? Because of fear. You can always come up with reasons WHY you shouldn’t do something but it frustrates me when someone that I care about doesn’t do something because of fear. I want to turn all those people into Superman and have them realize that it’s the “not doing it” that will eat at you forever. What if you were just one fear away from happiness? Fear will not comfort you in times of trouble, pain or sadness. Fear doesn’t care to hug you before you leave or kiss you on the forehead when you walk through the door and lastly, fear doesn’t give it a shit if you’re unhappy. So, I say, Fuck Fear!

I’m tired of hearing those words after years. I guess, somehow, it says more about me than them if it keeps happening. Some of them genuinely regret never having told me. But I’m a firm believe in the here and now so maybe they were all supposed to have held it in so that I could be in this strange, weird, lonely place that I’m in right now. I don’t blame their fear on where I am now. I’m saying that by destiny they weren’t supposed to have told me so I could be here right now.

The friendzone thing though? That’s such crap. One of my longest relationship was nine months being friends, three years dating and now we’re even better friends than before. Another one was a five year friendship with two years dating after that. We’re still great friends now. Hell, I’m even one of his kids Godmothers. I think some of the best things start out as friendships but they are meant to blossom IF you overcome your fears. Think about it, you’re already comfortable, you know each other, you tell your secrets too (well some do) and it’s based off friendship, not sex, not obligation, but you choose to be with that person and spend you’re time with them.

I don’t know. He just got me mad because he’ll never know what could have happened. Imagine, if one of those “Shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” had worked out I probably wouldn’t be writing my lack of a love life right now. I’d be off living a life that was worth writing about. And I don’t think I’d have been having the really weird dreams I’m having again. This last one took place in New Orleans. I don’t know why. I haven’t been there for years. I want to go back, not during Mardi Gras but haven’t. It was a strange one that also involved and Angel, one that I’ve met in my dreams before but never in real life. My life is weird.

I was supposed to go back out to go back out to a St. Patrick’s Day festival that my ex was at and help him tonight but I decided that I just didn’t want to. I’d been down there this morning because people were already lined up at 5am to get drunk and none of it was appealing to me. I’d rather save my soul for a few nights and completely obliterate it over the weekend instead so I might just be back to normal by Monday.

So that’s where my head is at right now. I’m going to go color and light candles… Or do something less productive for my soul. I’d actually like to take a long, hot bath right now but I can’t get past the fact my bathroom is so gross. Anyway, I hope you are having a great week and do something fearless this week. Don’t turn a fear into a regret later.

I’m going cheesy on the quotes because I felt these the most. Take note. Learn and love without fear.

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Fight or Flight… The Fear of Fear.

As much as I’m in to listening to music while driving, I’ve also found a few podcasts that I’ve become a bit addicted to. I talked about one the other day, Abel James (Fat Burning Man) and while listening to that it led me to Dr. Pedram Shojai (The Urban Monk).

Today I was able to listen to two of Dr. Shojai shows and I was destined to listen to these two fully so I drove around, the long way to finish both. The first was “Riding the moon with Stasha”. It explained something that made me have one of those ah-ha moments. The point was about women and how our emotions get the best of us if we don’t understand them. If you EVER have had a rough time during “that time of the month” ladies or you’re a man that just doesn’t understand why your woman can go from sweet to crazy in 6 seconds flat please listen to it. You’ll understand and probably a lot more than you might have wanted. I found it interesting and hopefully helpful.

The second was “Finding confidence and your true voice with Per Bristow”. This one kind of stuck in my head for a while. It had me thinking of all the things that we fear or I fear and what stops me from doing the things that I want to do and why. Another thing we, as humans, all have in common is fear but I suppose it’s how we handle that fear that defines us.

What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of a lot of things. Some of these I’ve voiced before and some I’m not even sure I can articulate.

What am I afraid of…

– That not having a husband or posterity will mean that I am just existing and not living.

– That my BFF will end up in a wheel chair or worse long before we get to make fun of our old selves.

– That I won’t make some difference for the better in this world.

– That any one person will ever know the whole truth of me and not just pieces. This both scares me if it happens and also, strangely, if it doesn’t.

– That I won’t live up to my full potential.

– That someone who knows me will know all my fears.

– That I may never be at peace with all that’s happened in my past.

– That THE friend and I will never get things right and that we’ll lose each other in the process.

– That I’ll lose my GBF because he refuses to take care of himself.

– That I’ll never know what true and content happiness feels like.

– That I’ll never know what being a mother feels like.

– That I’ll never be comfortable in my own skin.

So those are the fears that come to mind and what scares me the most is that some of those are easier to fix than I give them credit for but it’s the fear that stops me. What if the guy from the other night (the kiss) or my ex or someone else is the one I’m supposed to be with and it’s fear that stops me from being with them and not actually the fact that they’re not like THE friend? What if leaving my job, this place and all that I’ve known most of my life is what actually brings me true happiness but I’m too scare to try?

Flying, sky diving or being boldly honest; those are all cake walks compared to my real and true fears in life. What if I wake up one day with regrets? What if I wake up one day and realized that just because something or someone didn’t look or feel the way I assumed they should, what if that was my chance and I effed it up? What if everything that happens doesn’t actually happen for a better reason but is just what it is?

What if I’m too scare to try, or to say something real or to just stop letting emotions get in the way of being truly who I’m supposed to be?

The problem with most of our fears is that trying to deal with them usually makes us awkward or angry. Ever tried to fight with someone who’s feeling insecure or vulnerable? It usually turns way uglier than it should because angry is a go-to response.

What if, for just that moment that you started to feel angry you just took a deep breath, closed your eyes and just said what you were truly feeling? What’s the worst that could happen?

That’s probably the worst phrase in the English language… “What’s the worst that can happen?” Because our fears make it possible that whatever the worst is, does happen. This goes back to expectations. Stop expecting things out of a situation. Enjoy the moments that might get you to where your supposed to go.

Perfect example and I’m guilty of this I’m sure. You’re on a date. You like the person and your immediate thought is how you want the date to end whether it be a kiss, sex or whatever. So you focus on that forgetting to enjoy the moments that will make that possible and when your expectations aren’t met at the end of the night, you get mad or upset and usually at the wrong person. It’s been way too long since I’ve been on an actual true date so my memory might be a bit fuzzy but that’s how I remember things might have gone.

So my million dollar question for tonight is this: “If you could give one super power to everyone in the world for one day, what would it be?” I would make everyone fearless for one day, maybe not all in the same day but I’d like to see what this would allow everyone to do, say or be? That would be interesting.

For just one moment of one day, soon, take a deep breath, close your eyes and be fearless, honest and jump.

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