The New guy, the old guy and the in between…

First disclosure, I’m a bit tipsy… Totally unexpected. Second disclosure, it’s like 2:30/3:30 depending on whether or not you’ve changed your clocks.

This weekend has been chill. Nothing too crazy. I was going to relax knowing that the new guy would be home mid-week this week and I would probably not get much sleep. Last night was dinner with the friend that introduced me to the new guy. He could not stop telling me how much his friend has thanked him for introducing us. You know me, because I’m not a fan of discussing my private life I just smiled each time and moved the conversation somewhere else.

Today I was just going to relax, watch some TV but it ended up going to dinner, then shopping and then on a weird random “hair up my ass” I actually reached out to my ex. The one from months ago. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he’d profusely professed his love for me but I got a random Facebook message that he missed my face. So, around 9:45, knowing he goes to bed early, I wasn’t sure he’d even respond. I asked what he was doing and blah blah we’d agreed to meet at a dive bar between him and me.

This is weird for a couple reasons. First, I’d said the other day how weird my dreams have been lately well the last one involved him keeping me hostage and THE friend coming and saving me in a truck. I don’t know what that was about but it had me thinking about the ex. Plus, I’m not an asshole and appreciated his honesty always so I truly wanted to see how he was.

I got there and we just started talking and catching up and the conversation flowed. It was good. But there was one point, a lull in the conversation when I checked out like I do so many times. He’d asked what I was thinking about and I said, do you really want to listen? He looked at me like a crazy person and said that regardless of whatever feelings he had he’s a friend first and of course he wanted to listen. I’m not sure at this point if it was the beer or what but I just vomited up some shit that had been floating in my head for a while about everything.

I talked about the new guy, THE friend and the reasons why I didn’t want to be with the ex. I told him things that I never thought I’d tell him and he was amazing. He was angry with me but amazing. He asked how the new guy treats me and I said amazingly. He’s so great. Probably better than I deserve. Then he’d asked how I felt he (the ex) has treated me and I said the same again. Then he’d asked how THE friend treats me and I said, “Absolutely no where close to what I deserve.”

I could see that that made him angry but he kept trying. He then said, then you know what you need to do. You have two great guys that are your friends that you just said were amazing to you why can’t you just leave that one behind that doesn’t.

At that point, I looked at him like a confused dog that just got his favorite toy taken away from it and said, “Because I love him”. I made that statement with such purpose it was as if he should have just known. It took him by surprise because in all the years the ex and I have known each other I’ve never said that to him. But then I got mad and said I know he does shitty things, doesn’t show up, doesn’t communicate, makes an entirely unsecret world of his more important than me or working on things. I know that I should have left a long time ago. I know that he intentionally does things that make me hurt and cry. I know that he treats me with as much faith, trust and love as a stray cat that just shit on his car, at times (way too descriptive there) and I know that deep down in my heart I deserve better and I know that I’ve excused away so many flaws and faults as just that when I knew the whole time that he CAN or COULD do better because he does for others….

In the middle of my angry rant, my ex stopped and said “Then why? Do you know how fucking amazing YOU are… When did this become ok?”. And maybe four or five beers and some shots in I said the most honest thing I could. I said “Because I’m stupid enough to believe that one day he’ll open his mouth and actually say the things that so many other men have no problem saying to me. Because one day I believed that he’d actually be brave and show me what I’ve felt for so long. Because one day I was stupid enough to believe that he’ll actually articulate something that I’ve needed to hear for so long that it will have made all this pain actually worth it.”

Then the ex said that he was happy at least that I knew what I am worth and that those things that I wanted above were just something I’d never get. He wasn’t happy that I’d never get them from THE friend but he was happy that I knew why. I also think that it made things a lot more clear as to why things didn’t worth out between us, (the ex and I). He then took my hand, leaned in and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. All I want to do is take you home and take care of you. Would you come.” I replied and told him that I wasn’t the girl who cried about one boy just to go home with another and forget about my problems for one night. I’m glad I’m not that girl.

We soon changed the topic and talked about other stuff for a couple hours until I found myself out of conversation. Especially out of conversation for something that I shouldn’t care about any more. So, after that and a long voicemail from the new guy I realized that there’s way too many important people in my life that don’t make me cry, don’t forget me, don’t leave me angry for hours because they forgot me and actually articulate the importance of being me.

Did it really just take an ex to tell me that I’m worth so much more than a Sunday night a month of no communication and no respect? Maybe the dream should have gone the other way. Maybe the ex should have been saving me from my prison of pain from THE friend because that’s what it felt like. I think I’m done feeling the fear that if I let him go I’ll never feel the good things again and I think that I am now ready, more than ever, to move on with the new guy. I may be tipsy but I call this a break through. I finally feel a little peace.

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My mind in music tonight… Cause that’s all I got.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 8 and a vulnerable talk about vulnerability. (Long post warning)

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Half check. We’ll see how far that gets me through this post.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I came home from work and was going to nap until my home was empty so instead I threw on my workout clothes and did 45 minutes today.
4. Eat healthy – Everything but dinner. Turns out though that two day old Chinese food sucks so I didn’t eat a lot.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check. Even though I haven’t made it through the night yet.

I’m going to say something that probably sounds like a bad anecdote of a bloggers life but here goes: “You know you’re a blogger when you start to write a post even before you’re sitting at your computer”. This has been going on since last night because as much as I hate to admit it, THE friend is still somewhat my muse.

I’m going to start this story over two decades ago, when THE friend and I were first “introduced” to each other. I’ve said before that I don’t really remember him and I’m sure that’s an equal thought. However, what I remembered is that he was a ladies man. Some would say charming. The truth is, I remembered a older boy, friends with my brother who seemed very sure of himself.

Now, I’m going to fast forward a bit. The first night we’d hung out and out of no where he’d decided to be intimate, afterward I did something that I’d never done. I’d never done this with any of my long term boyfriends and it shocked me that I did this at all. Please hold your shock and awe until after the movie… I laid on his chest. Sounds like it really shouldn’t have been a feat for many women right? But that’s not where I’m comfortable. I remember him saying, “Awe you like to cuddle” in some cute tone except that shocked me back to life and made me realize that that’s not who I was. I’m not THE girl that cuddles with some guy after the first night. That both terrified and perplexed me beyond words. I’d felt so vulnerable that it was almost painful.

So, the intimate parts didn’t last that long but for some reason I still yearned for that closeness of feeling free enough to WANT to do that. That’s my vulnerability. After that had happen, it was just by happenstance that my BFF had sent me a TEDTALKS link that first introduced me to Brene Brown. My BFF had said for years that I needed to watch this thing and I never did but she’d sent it again out of nothing but pure manifested fate from the universe. She spoke about vulnerability as if it wasn’t shameful nor a weakness. It was such a new idea to me even though this was an elementary lesson. From the moment I pressed play I was in tears. Every single thing she’d said made sense and rung so true, again, in a painful way.

Some things that you need to understand is that I didn’t grow up in a home full of love. I grew up with a cold, drunk monster who yelled and screamed and said the worst things to both my brother and I. I grew up with a woman that allowed all this to happen. I grew up knowing that my last vestige of hope had passed when my Grandmother had passed because she was a loving, caring soul. She would have shone me how to be a loving person. She would have taught me better than what I know, even now. But instead my first four years of life were with her in a hospital bed in the middle of my grandfathers home. My first four years of life were seeing the one woman that could have taught me how to be a better person, dying right in front of me.

That’s also where I struggled with religion for so long. She was the only one who would take me to church, before she got too sick. But then she was struck by something that was eating her from the inside out. There she laid, my beautiful Grandmother who’d never done wrong was suffering in such a way that no one’s worst enemy should have to suffer. With her died my emotions, my religion and having the ability to be such a different person.

That’s how’d I’d viewed things for such a long time. Then came the story as to why my father was the way he was which is just sick and even worse than the worst after school special. But I watched all that anger and bitterness, in my father, grow into something that made him a thriving businessman. At home he was a miserable monster because he was never taught how to love, someone that scared me into thinking the worst things a child could ever think but then Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde and fascinated me in the business world. He was larger than life and memorizing. I could listen to him teach his words of great wisdom for hours and with powerful Al Pacino-like mannerisms. This man came from nothing and made something of his world by way of career.

The best part of what he did is NEVER giving me a thing. From the age of twelve I was working and buying my own toilet paper and tooth paste. I never had a free ride for a thing. I was never given a car, allowance or a big head. Even now, I never hear compliments from his mouth but through a daisy chain of mouths which finally get back to me days, months or sometimes years later. He sees me in him and I think that both makes him proud and scares the shit out of him and there’s a little bit of envy laced in there as well. We have a fucked up family dynamic.

So, he taught me to work like hell for what you want. Don’t show weakness or be vulnerable and if you have to show someone that you care for them buy them something. That’s what I learned. Which brings me to my now. I have had police with guns drawn on me standing in front of me. I have had an FBI agent show up at my bedroom door. I have had ex-football players standing in front of me yelling and all I can do IS NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. (Those stories are humorous not horrible) Even my BFF says that I don’t show her the sides I view as weakness and it drives he crazy.

This equates to me never crying in front of others. I never say I love you. I never show anyone that I need them. I am never sated emotionally because all of those lessons taught me is that I am more emotionally challenged than anyone that I know. I have never given my true self to a lover and I have never seen what being an emotionally healthy individual is… Until THE friend.

Some days, if you make it through my posts, you might wonder why I choose to stay in something that can only be described as a cluster-fuck at times. Well, I have been more vulnerable than ever before in my life. I’ve grown emotionally and from the moment, that first night, that I rolled over and rested myself on his chest I knew that he was something that I’d never had. That or this was something that I’d never had. So, a lot of my frustration is the fact that he brings out all these emotions in me and because vulnerability equals weakness (in my old mind) I just assumed that he saw me as this little mouse that he could use and walk over and treat like crap. The truth here is that’s what emotions make me feel and not always him.

Now, I’m going to move forward a bit to his birthday last year. This would have been the third year we’d spent his birthday together and I had planned, a month before, an amazing day. We were going to go skydiving, eat at his favorite restaurant (which has become a slight tradition) and I had gone out and put a lot of thought into an actual gift. I wanted so badly to give him something that showed that I cared (because that’s how I show love to someone) but I also wanted it to be something personal. I’d done my research. I’d gone to my friends Catholic church and spoken to a Priest and found this beautiful St. Michael’s pendant (which I’d had blessed by him after I bought it). I’d decided on this because first, I was told he was an arch angel of doctors, which is what THE friend is. Second, I was explained that he defeated fear and brought about courage and some other extremely personal things that I thought he needed in his life.

By the time it came to his birthday he’d already foregone this friendship for something else. I had the option to return this but because of a dream I’d decided that I would keep it. You see, his mother made a lot of appearances in my dreams. They were usually ones where he’d done something wrong and she was saying to forgive him or be patient or something of the sort. But his sister, who’s past, had also made appearances in three of them. This dream happened to be one of them and to save some time I’ll just say that the outcome was for me to keep it for a better time.

I’d felt this better time was yesterday because he’d gotten some great opportunities to advance his life but it wasn’t until lately, over the past month or so that I’d seen this other side of him. Instead of seeing a man that was out for the quick fix of things, instead of this man that was into nothing but chasing women all over the city, I’d seen a man who was stuck as a boy who was so afraid of failure or was so afraid of success that he stayed stagnant. I saw so much fear and realized that here are two people that are so afraid of different things that it’s painful. I saw two people that were only barely honest with each other because of vulnerability. And finally, I saw the reasons why we work together.

Even now as I recall this whole realization I’m tearing up but not because it’s all sad but because we work together. We fit in a way that allows the other person to grow a bit. My strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths (which he might not even know). It’s the first time that I’ve looked at this whole thing and realized why it’s happening. Maybe why God has given us both this answer to a prayer right now. Maybe we don’t fit together the way I thought we should or how I wanted us to but it doesn’t take away the fact that there’s good stuff here. It might be buried under fear, vulnerability and scars of the past but for right now it’s what works. I can’t say that I’ll stay here forever because I know that as long as we’re in this place I won’t be able to find room for someone that truly loves and cares for me but for now this is what we have, we’ll it’s what I have I guess.

I’d have told him some of that if he had stopped to listen to the explanation for just two minutes. I’m not sure he realizes just how hard that was for me but just how meaningful that was for me to do. I’d like to assume his fear is what caused him to be weird about the gift and less about the fact that he didn’t care about it. That is what I’ll assume because that was my good moment yesterday. I can’t be angry at how he accepted a gift. I can only be happy for knowing why it was given even if he doesn’t.

So that is my long-winded talk tonight. If you want to watch the TEDTALK here’s the link TED Talk – Brene Brown and now I’m finally done for tonight. 🙂

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Hopes verses Fears… My Thoughts Tonight.

There’s a fine line between hopes and fears and sometimes you can hope and fear the same things. Hope for love but fear getting it because then there’s something to lose. Hope for independence but fear for it because someone might not be there to catch you when you fall. Hope for a different place than where you are but fear that place might be worse. It’s a tough thing.

I read an article the other day about people who stay in a deep dark places because they don’t feel that there’s anywhere further down and in hopes that they don’t lift themselves up only to be let down again, they are (for lack of a better word) happy to be at their worst.

Over the last few weeks, months and possibly years I’ve felt like I’ve let so many things go in my life out of fear but I gift wrapped my decisions by saying that if it was meant to be then it would be. Some days I still feel that is the case but others I feel like I just effed up.

I think that it all boiled over this week, starting on Sunday then just got progressively worse until I finally saw someone. I decided to go back to my therapist because my dark side was starting to spill over into others worlds and it wasn’t fair. Of course, the first question begins, “So what brings you back here, again?”. My answer or what I could muster is that I was afraid that who I was spilling on to will get sick of it and leave but then again, maybe I was pushing him away anyway.

So, all the things I’ve talked about that I want and need in my life right now are here in this blog and it’s a long list of sometimes normalcy and sometimes specific but all these things I was getting. From someone that has no expectation to give them to me. It started to get worse because the more and more I wanted certain things in my life the more and more he’d do these things but the real problem here? We’re not a couple. We’ve never dated and it was hard to see him as just a friend because he was checking all the boxes of things that I NEEDED but without the intimacy. It was starting to drive me crazy.

I’m tell the therapist about this, him and m close friends, and work. She’d asked why I didn’t talk or bring up my family. Then came out the truth there. We have never all been close and because of some certain reasons I don’t even speak to my parents much aside from the normal “Happy Birthday” here and there. I explained to my therapist that I’ve made up my own “family” through the years and it consists of a few really close friends. People do say that friends are Gods apology for family anyway.

We talked about my job and how stressful it is to work for two men that hate each other. Why I’ve stayed as long as I have and to be honest it’s because I can be myself there and because I feel like that company that I work for is mine too. I was there when it started and I helped it grow. Because of some very poor decisions on the owners parts it’s in trouble now but has strangely always been able to survive going through rough times. I could easily accept any one of the jobs that have been offered to me but I feel like I’d be giving up on this company that seems to have a life all on it’s own.

I explained to her that I’m no where I thought I’d be at this age. I want a family and I felt like I’d given up on all those dreams because I gave up on all those men. So she asked what it was about the one man. I’d realized that on one of my last post I’d said just how much I crave to hear the words, “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”. They are both entirely different to me. But when I was leaving Monday morning and he was half asleep on the couch he mumbled “I love you” and in my emotionally challenged world I realized that that actually helped, hurt and confused all in the same breath.

It helped because I need to hear it. It hurt because it just solidified that those words will never mean the same to him as they mean to me. And it confused me because hearing those words made me want to cry for all the times that I couldn’t say it back, just like then. I stood there with my back to him, grabbing my keys and tears gathering in my eyes inside this dark, what felt like the tiniest room ever and just walk out the door saying what felt like a millions words of silence.

He’d later sent me a text saying that he was so hurt and felt horrible because I wouldn’t talk to him. Which reading at work, in the bathroom, had tears streaming down my face. I could recall everything about that morning. I literally felt like someone who was awake during anesthesia. I wanted to scream, or just say SOMETHING but nothing would come out except in my head. I was saying all those things inside my head. I was screaming to be heard but all in silence. 

It’s not fair and it’s not his fault. These are my flaws and these are my issues to fix. Exercise only works so much before something else has to happen to. There’s a lot of fixing things on my end that I need to do. There’s a lot of secrets that are inside my head that need to be dealt with and I’m working on that and some of that has to do with the look I saw on his face out of the corner of my eye when I rejected his touch and his help. That broke my heart.

It’s obvious that I need to take time to try to repair things in my life so that when I get to a happier place I can still say that I’ve gone through all of this for a purpose. The only upside to being sad is that it doesn’t make you hungry and you exercise like a crazy person so my pants are a lot looser right now.

I am never going to stop wishing that his “I love you” meant more than it did but I’m also so very thankful for it. I’m never going to be okay at this place that I’m in right now which gives me the strength to get up and move somewhere. I have a lot of grief and things that I need to deal with but at least I have a starting point now. At least I have a goal. Who knows who will be there at the end but all I can do until then is to make myself better so that there are good, decent and loving people there at the end.

So, I’m not great and maybe not even good but I’m getting there. I hope you are having a blessed week and that there is someone there to tell you they love you even if it’s too painful to hear. You might realize one day that it’s the one thing that has saved you from yourself.

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The Power of THAT Word… and what I need right now.

This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.

The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man. 

For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.

People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.

I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…

My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.

If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.

I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.

I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.

I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.

So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.

I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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The Power of Fear… And Other Feelings.

Today was a long and stressful day. I drove all day just to end up among drunk sweaty men. My first drive had me going to a job I’d had 20 years ago. Yep, I’d started working at a bank before my current boss poached me from there. There are very few people that I know that still work there but there was one. He’s a nice, bland boy that used to take me to expensive stuffy bars after work. He was a lot cuter back then but hey, we’ve all aged.

We spoke for a while today while he was showing me his wife and new baby. During this playbill of his life he’d admitted to me that he really wanted to date me back then. So, hearing this enough made me ask the only question I could, “Why didn’t you ask?” So these were his three reasons: 1.) You made it pretty clear you wanted to stay in the “friendzone”. 2.) I was afraid because you’re intimidating and 3.) I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

So, this is not the first time I’ve heard those responses either but obviously it got me thinking. 1.) I’m sure I made it pretty clear but you never tried anything either so I never knew you wanted to. 2.) I’m intimidating? WTF… 95% of the time I feel like like is intimidating, getting out of bed is but I do it anyway. Am I really that intimidating? Maybe, I can come across as a cold heart bitch. It’s true. How do I change that? Should I? 3.) You didn’t want to ruin the friendship? But what if it was supposed to grow? To be better? You’ll never know.

And why will he never know? Because of fear. You can always come up with reasons WHY you shouldn’t do something but it frustrates me when someone that I care about doesn’t do something because of fear. I want to turn all those people into Superman and have them realize that it’s the “not doing it” that will eat at you forever. What if you were just one fear away from happiness? Fear will not comfort you in times of trouble, pain or sadness. Fear doesn’t care to hug you before you leave or kiss you on the forehead when you walk through the door and lastly, fear doesn’t give it a shit if you’re unhappy. So, I say, Fuck Fear!

I’m tired of hearing those words after years. I guess, somehow, it says more about me than them if it keeps happening. Some of them genuinely regret never having told me. But I’m a firm believe in the here and now so maybe they were all supposed to have held it in so that I could be in this strange, weird, lonely place that I’m in right now. I don’t blame their fear on where I am now. I’m saying that by destiny they weren’t supposed to have told me so I could be here right now.

The friendzone thing though? That’s such crap. One of my longest relationship was nine months being friends, three years dating and now we’re even better friends than before. Another one was a five year friendship with two years dating after that. We’re still great friends now. Hell, I’m even one of his kids Godmothers. I think some of the best things start out as friendships but they are meant to blossom IF you overcome your fears. Think about it, you’re already comfortable, you know each other, you tell your secrets too (well some do) and it’s based off friendship, not sex, not obligation, but you choose to be with that person and spend you’re time with them.

I don’t know. He just got me mad because he’ll never know what could have happened. Imagine, if one of those “Shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” had worked out I probably wouldn’t be writing my lack of a love life right now. I’d be off living a life that was worth writing about. And I don’t think I’d have been having the really weird dreams I’m having again. This last one took place in New Orleans. I don’t know why. I haven’t been there for years. I want to go back, not during Mardi Gras but haven’t. It was a strange one that also involved and Angel, one that I’ve met in my dreams before but never in real life. My life is weird.

I was supposed to go back out to go back out to a St. Patrick’s Day festival that my ex was at and help him tonight but I decided that I just didn’t want to. I’d been down there this morning because people were already lined up at 5am to get drunk and none of it was appealing to me. I’d rather save my soul for a few nights and completely obliterate it over the weekend instead so I might just be back to normal by Monday.

So that’s where my head is at right now. I’m going to go color and light candles… Or do something less productive for my soul. I’d actually like to take a long, hot bath right now but I can’t get past the fact my bathroom is so gross. Anyway, I hope you are having a great week and do something fearless this week. Don’t turn a fear into a regret later.

I’m going cheesy on the quotes because I felt these the most. Take note. Learn and love without fear.

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