First disclosure, I’m a bit tipsy… Totally unexpected. Second disclosure, it’s like 2:30/3:30 depending on whether or not you’ve changed your clocks.
This weekend has been chill. Nothing too crazy. I was going to relax knowing that the new guy would be home mid-week this week and I would probably not get much sleep. Last night was dinner with the friend that introduced me to the new guy. He could not stop telling me how much his friend has thanked him for introducing us. You know me, because I’m not a fan of discussing my private life I just smiled each time and moved the conversation somewhere else.
Today I was just going to relax, watch some TV but it ended up going to dinner, then shopping and then on a weird random “hair up my ass” I actually reached out to my ex. The one from months ago. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he’d profusely professed his love for me but I got a random Facebook message that he missed my face. So, around 9:45, knowing he goes to bed early, I wasn’t sure he’d even respond. I asked what he was doing and blah blah we’d agreed to meet at a dive bar between him and me.
This is weird for a couple reasons. First, I’d said the other day how weird my dreams have been lately well the last one involved him keeping me hostage and THE friend coming and saving me in a truck. I don’t know what that was about but it had me thinking about the ex. Plus, I’m not an asshole and appreciated his honesty always so I truly wanted to see how he was.
I got there and we just started talking and catching up and the conversation flowed. It was good. But there was one point, a lull in the conversation when I checked out like I do so many times. He’d asked what I was thinking about and I said, do you really want to listen? He looked at me like a crazy person and said that regardless of whatever feelings he had he’s a friend first and of course he wanted to listen. I’m not sure at this point if it was the beer or what but I just vomited up some shit that had been floating in my head for a while about everything.
I talked about the new guy, THE friend and the reasons why I didn’t want to be with the ex. I told him things that I never thought I’d tell him and he was amazing. He was angry with me but amazing. He asked how the new guy treats me and I said amazingly. He’s so great. Probably better than I deserve. Then he’d asked how I felt he (the ex) has treated me and I said the same again. Then he’d asked how THE friend treats me and I said, “Absolutely no where close to what I deserve.”
I could see that that made him angry but he kept trying. He then said, then you know what you need to do. You have two great guys that are your friends that you just said were amazing to you why can’t you just leave that one behind that doesn’t.
At that point, I looked at him like a confused dog that just got his favorite toy taken away from it and said, “Because I love him”. I made that statement with such purpose it was as if he should have just known. It took him by surprise because in all the years the ex and I have known each other I’ve never said that to him. But then I got mad and said I know he does shitty things, doesn’t show up, doesn’t communicate, makes an entirely unsecret world of his more important than me or working on things. I know that I should have left a long time ago. I know that he intentionally does things that make me hurt and cry. I know that he treats me with as much faith, trust and love as a stray cat that just shit on his car, at times (way too descriptive there) and I know that deep down in my heart I deserve better and I know that I’ve excused away so many flaws and faults as just that when I knew the whole time that he CAN or COULD do better because he does for others….
In the middle of my angry rant, my ex stopped and said “Then why? Do you know how fucking amazing YOU are… When did this become ok?”. And maybe four or five beers and some shots in I said the most honest thing I could. I said “Because I’m stupid enough to believe that one day he’ll open his mouth and actually say the things that so many other men have no problem saying to me. Because one day I believed that he’d actually be brave and show me what I’ve felt for so long. Because one day I was stupid enough to believe that he’ll actually articulate something that I’ve needed to hear for so long that it will have made all this pain actually worth it.”
Then the ex said that he was happy at least that I knew what I am worth and that those things that I wanted above were just something I’d never get. He wasn’t happy that I’d never get them from THE friend but he was happy that I knew why. I also think that it made things a lot more clear as to why things didn’t worth out between us, (the ex and I). He then took my hand, leaned in and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. All I want to do is take you home and take care of you. Would you come.” I replied and told him that I wasn’t the girl who cried about one boy just to go home with another and forget about my problems for one night. I’m glad I’m not that girl.
We soon changed the topic and talked about other stuff for a couple hours until I found myself out of conversation. Especially out of conversation for something that I shouldn’t care about any more. So, after that and a long voicemail from the new guy I realized that there’s way too many important people in my life that don’t make me cry, don’t forget me, don’t leave me angry for hours because they forgot me and actually articulate the importance of being me.
Did it really just take an ex to tell me that I’m worth so much more than a Sunday night a month of no communication and no respect? Maybe the dream should have gone the other way. Maybe the ex should have been saving me from my prison of pain from THE friend because that’s what it felt like. I think I’m done feeling the fear that if I let him go I’ll never feel the good things again and I think that I am now ready, more than ever, to move on with the new guy. I may be tipsy but I call this a break through. I finally feel a little peace.