Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $86,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390.00 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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Fate’s Funny Ways… And Maybe Something New.

Still raining and now it’s cold which would be great if I was buried in my blanket at home but I am not. I am sitting at my desk staring out the window and watching the parking lot flood. The rain still calms me though so there’s that.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started with an email, at work, from my ex and a poem. It still shocks me that I can not reply to him at all and he still has the patience to continue sending things to me. It was sweet but there will be no reply. However, it made me have this weird dream last night. At some point during the day, I realized that if I wanted to, I could be married right now and trying to have a child. If I was to say “eff this waiting crap” I could have all those things with him right now. I want all those things right now just not with him. Perplexing what life and fate has to offer isn’t it?

With that being said, here’s another twist of fate for you. So, the way my career has gone has been jobs have always kind of “fallen” into place. I’ve been search out and offered them because (and here’s where I won’t be humble) I’m good at what I do. What do I do? I take care of things. That sounds ominous right? Kind of like I’m in the mafia? But I’m a control freak who likes to ensure that something is done with perfection. So, at work, I’m a control freak perfectionist and it’s noticed. Not only do I take care of things but I enjoy taking care of people. This leads me to my next possible career choice.

Because my boss and his girlfriend were having issues I decided to jump in and try to help. While being helpful his girlfriend realized just how valuable I am. This led her to ask me yesterday if I’d work for her or the company she works for. This is an amazing job opportunity and one that I’m really considering. The best part here is that I would get to work from wherever I wanted to. What does that mean? I could move to Austin and be close to my BFF, my niece and wouldn’t have to hear “When are you moving here?” ever again. It would solve a lot of problems and my emotional health won’t be in so much turmoil. Win win right?

I’m reminded every single day that my presents here is not needed. I’m reminded that the person that I am is not appreciated what-so-ever so I’m just reminded of how much I don’t need to be here anymore. These past few days have just reminded me that THE friend’s presents in my life has nothing to do with me. I’m not even sure he knows the real me sometimes or what the hell to do with me. The small fact is, it’s the little things. I don’t expect grand gestures. I don’t expect his thoughts or feelings to change. I also don’t expect much of anything from him but the small things are what would make the most difference.

He was just a few feet away from me last night and didn’t even know, realize or care that he’d upset me because his stupid social media and women all across this great land were more important to keep his attention that doing three things that I’d asked. Yet again, proving why I don’t ask for shit. For the things that I’ve done for him and he can’t even do a few things that I ask. It’s bullshit. That parts not even about my “feelings” it’s about the smallest form of respect that you give to a “friend” which is why I don’t even think he respects me enough to call me a friend.

And yet, with all that, when I came home yesterday and saw him asleep on the couch, I was comforted. I was concerned and I was kicking myself because on our worst days with each other, our trying days, our miscommunications and our misunderstandings I still feel better when he’s around than when he’s not. How effed up is that?

When I talk to my therapist about our friendship she’s a bit perplexed too. Trust me when I say I try to give the most unbiased view of everything as well. She seems to think that there’s some deep seeded tensions between us, unspoken words and unmasked feelings. I keep trying to explain to her that there is not. These are my feelings and mine alone and that almost all that I’ve had to say, I’ve said. I have no unspoken words or unmasked feelings. She’s supposed to be a really great therapist too. Reviews, recommendations and a lot of research went into finding her and yet that is what she thinks. I can’t win for trying.

Regardless of all of that and all the things that I would do for him and because of him I HAVE to realize that none of it matters to him. NONE OF ANY OF IT. So, I have an interview next week that might just change my course of action right now and because my career has usually predicted the outcome of my current status, it could be fates way of pushing me in a direction that my heart doesn’t want to go in and that would be west about 150 miles and on to a new life. We shall see what happens in the next week. Fate has a tricky way of putting all kinds of things in my life. Lets see where this new chapter starts?…

Dinner and a Movie night… It’s not a date night.

First, I must state that I’m much more tipsy than I realized about an hour ago. I’m not sure what that will lead to on here. But it’s nice to know that even tipsy, I still got my run in. I came in immediately from the movie, while taking the pants off at the door and put on my workout clothes, then proceeded to workout. I got my steps in so ha!

THE friend and I went to see Deadpool and have dinner tonight, as you already know by the title it wasn’t a date night and don’t worry not every event that we share together has to be some monumentally emotional roller-coaster for me either. I will mention these two things though and then move on. Sometimes, I hate that he knows me like he does and I try NOT to acknowledge that he does. The first instance was when we were in the movie before it started and he asked if I was cold and assuming he was about to chunk his jacket at me, I said no but I was freezing. He knows I’m always cold. Second, withthe “Are you ok to get home?” Of course I said yes. What the hell would he have done anyway? But I realized that maybe I hadn’t eaten enough during the movie.

Those may seem like little trivial insignificant details; however, they are not. Because every once in a while I realize that he pays attention, sometimes. Trust me, we still have our battles of some things that are small and some that are huge but at least we’re working on them better?! I guess, now that I’ve said that there is sure to be a slip up at my expense. I usually curse things where I say something nice.

Okay, so moving on from that. While I was waiting for him prior to the movie my ex was texting me weird things. Yes, I still talk to him but not nearly as much as he talks to me. Some conversations are a week of him texting randomly and me responding when I have nothing else to do or when THE friend is on his phone. But tonight he was going off about going to bed early and missing someone sleeping next to him. As much as he is someone pretty to cuddle up to I knew where he was trying to go with this so I just changed the conversation. He’d ended up saying that he was renting a beach house for a week and wanted me to go with him. How many times can you tell someone you’re not interested and make it clear? THE friend told me that he wasn’t and I’ve understood since day one but no… This ex just keeps expecting something that I’m have no desire to give him. Again, this is my karma.

On to the movie. I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds because of his comedic delivery. His sarcasm would probably be enough to give me an orgasm. So, I wanted to go see this because of him and because there were NOT supposed to be any romantic undertones. So I as wrong. Again. I’ve stated my dislike for romantic movies in the past and my reasons are because they fill girls and women with false senses of what things are really like. I mean seriously, what do you think really happens after, “And they lived happily ever after.” The rest of that is, “Until there was no passion left to argue and the princess cheats because her husband is boring and the prince lets his mother run his life too much so they divorce and they’re both on their third marriage.”

So you understand my point. There is no such thing as a “Happily ever after” because nothing is perfect and who wants to live up to those standards anyway. Who wants to live in the normalcy that fairy tales create with the man saving the woman and then, soon after they have a bouncing baby college fund. But in all honesty the other reason I don’t like romantic movies is because they make me miss being in a relationship. I miss the cuddling and the sexual exploration when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you like and vice versa. And again, when it was there for the taking, I didn’t take it because I wasn’t there yet.

Dealpool was not a classic romantic movie but he gets the girl in the end and she gets her man. So if my life was a romantic comedy then I guess my ex would get me, I’d get THE friend and THE friend would get whoever his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday girl is. Well now, there’s no room for a happily ever after there then for anyone.

Yes, I suppose in some twisted sense of fate I can always bring anything back to THE friend and I. Do they still lobotomize patience? Just curious. I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to try. I have literally tried everything else to get to the same place that THE friend is with me, with him. I’ve prayed so many times, “Dear God, please make my feelings for “insert name here” be the same as what his are for me (or lack thereof)”. Nothing, nothing has worked. Twisted bitchy fate, I suppose. Maybe I should ask what the Friday and Saturday girls do to get their prime spot?

I wonder if I’ll come back tomorrow and read this with a totally sober mind and just say, “WTF, again? SHUT UP!” Can I unsubscribe to myself? I have no idea. Anyway, it’s off to watch the X-Files finale and then to bed. I hope you are all having a great week and remember to do the little things and be grateful for the little things that someone does for you. 🙂

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What is love and setting things free…

Speaking in the eloquent words of Haddaway (from the 90’s) “What is love?”. Is it the desperation of two dim witted brothers from Night at the Roxbury attempting to act cool? Is it a person, place or thing? Animal, mineral or vegetable? The next words in the song are, “Baby don’t hurt me!” and there’s a reason for that.

Love is something that means something different to everyone. To some, they see an item, remember a song or watch a movie and that’s a reminder of a certain kind of love to them. But moving to another song, “Love don’t cost a thing” or at least it shouldn’t right? But from the moment we all “love” something, anything, it’s possible it could cost us everything.

There are times when you let love go for either the reason that it’s not the healthiest kind of love or to see if it returns. There are times when you put love on hold so you can pursue other things in life. Then there are times when love is just forgotten or buried deep within so you can let someone else have their joy.

Not everyone is meant to have everything they want nor need. That’s the story of life, love included. If we always got what we wanted wouldn’t we just want more? Do we ever actually appreciate the things when we have them? Or are we such a society where instant gratification is a standard that no one really knows what the hell we want or need anymore anyway?

Why am I being so introspective today? For many reasons. First, you all know the struggles I’ve had with a “friend” in my life. It’s now been a month and a half or so since we’ve seen each other and I have a fear or a deep down knowledge that it’ll be a lot longer than that, if we ever actually do, see each other again.

When our sabbatical from each other first started I knew that it was because he’d found someone to replace his time with. My initial reaction was one of hope for him. He wants a family and regardless of the feelings that I have for him and knowing that he’d never have those wants with me, I had a glimmer of hope that maybe this was someone that he would be happy to finally have that with. My second reaction, albeit a close second, was that I knew this would be another longer interim of him not “needing” me and therefore no need to want to see me. I hated that I was right.

So a long silence from both of us occurred. His end was because he was busy forgetting the people that had helped him over the last few years and he was enjoying life with a new person. My end was two fold. One, I suppose it was a bit of a test to see what would happen and when he’d reach out, if he did. The second was to let him have his space to be happy. We’d been fighting a lot. It started to seem daunting for him to make time for us so there’s nothing left to do at that point but to let someone go and not to bother them at all.

The next thing was the “coming back”. If this was to happen what would be the reason? That sounds silly right? Why should there be any other reason to see a friend other than because you miss them? Obvious right? Wrong! In his attempt to meet up again, there was nothing about “miss you”, “can’t wait to see you” or “I want to spend time together”. Nope, none of that.

Let me interject a story here. I’ve taken lots of classes for different things because of my job. One of my first jobs was a customer service roll which I had to take a customer service class and the first thing they teach you is that, no matter what good things you have to say to someone the only focus will be on the worst thing. Basically if I was to say to you, “Your hair looks amazing but your clothes look like shit.” You soon forget that I had anything nice to say to you at all.

Back to the “lets hang out” conversation. There was a whole lot of empty filler and then the actual reason or request for why he had chosen to reach out to me after a long sabbatical. If this was the first, second or even third time this had happened it might be ok because, where he’s concerned, I’ve learn to have a fuck-load of patience but it’s been too many times to count. It would be different if I’d never brought up this concern to him before but I have. Numerous times. In fact, my exact words were this, “You make me feel like a loyal trusty dog”. This was obviously due to the fact that I have always been here for him.

I’ve put in time, love and money into a one sided friendship that was so easy for him to cast away, all while saying things like “You’re my BFF.” “I love and care about you more than most”. When you immediately follow all those things up with silence until you need something you’ve completely voided any goodness those things once offered and yet again, made someone feel like a loyal trusty dog.

The issues that I have are these: First, I promised to ALWAYS be there but at what cost? There’s truly nothing I can do about these feelings I have for him and I’ve tried everything. I’ve never, in my life, been a pushover nor a doormat. I’ve never thought twice about letting go of people that weren’t healthy but I’ve also never felt like I only had a friend when then needed me for something or when they were bored with life and I was a last resort. So, I have no clue what to do.

Here is where my head and my heart are at odds with each other and apparently God as well. My heart says, “He’ll always hold a special place in here whether he wants to or not but he’ll always break your heart”. My head says, “What the fuck are you doing? You are so much better than feeling less than amazing. If he missed you, he’d see you. Period. If he missed you he’d say it. Period. If you weren’t “replaceable” you’d never have been replace nor lied to about it”. God, on the other hand, is still sending me emails in my dreams WITH HIS MOTHER AND SISTER. This is so unfair.

This seems like it should be such an easy task to accomplish but having self respect, I know that I have to listen to my head right? Or is the problem that I’ve never listen to my heart before and it’s about time? Or do I listen to God, and his Mother and Sister?

The last thing I’ll ask about this topic, as it’s obviously been weighing on me, is this…

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

But if it comes back with an asterisk and it’s not yours and never has been does any of that even apply?

There was once a time, in our friendship, that there wasn’t any asterisks and there was never any question. There was actually a time when I knew or thought I knew that he was fighting for a friendship here that had surpassed over two decades and would last forever but now, I just feel like he’s forgotten the friendship completely. There was once a time when I believe his words, “I look forward to repaying your kindness” and now I feel like he’s just using my kindness.

Last night I prayed that God ask him to show me that he actually cares about the person behind the kindness. I have a feeling that I will be waiting for a very long time for that, if I ever see any fight left in him. I have always tried to look at our situation through both our eyes and I wish that he would, just once, do the same for me.

I’ve at least gathered my thoughts up enough to write it all down here in hopes that it all gets out of my head. I really want life to prove me wrong, just once. Just… Once…

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In A Perfect World…

My coworker hates that phrase so that prompts me to say it a lot. But in my perfect world things would be so drastically different, as I’m sure most others would as well. Externally, I’d be the perfect size 6/8, I’d have perfect get up and go looks and I would naturally smell like a sultry mix of sandalwood, vanilla and cinnamon. I’d have a job that I loved and that helped people. I’d take fascinating trips all over the world. I’d have just enough money to never want anything and to be comfortable. I’d also have a convertible for the summer days and something roomy for road trips. I’d have someone that I wanted to share all that with and we’d start every morning with great sex, coffee and maybe an early morning run after. After a while together we’d have a child. A beautiful, smart blessing and we’d be as happy as anyone could ever be. That’s according to my dreams anyway, lately.

It’s not too far off but these dreams are becoming so frequent and so vivid that it’s hard to get out of bed when reality just isn’t matching up. On one hand, I’ve got my ex. Still wants to talk and still wants to see me. He’s in love, although I thinks he’s more in love with the idea of what he thinks we could be rather than with me. He wants to move away from here and just begin a life together with me somewhere new and away from current “distractions”.

On the other hand, I don’t want any of that with him and have told him. I’ve also told him that my friends and my life, aren’t distraction to me. It’s my here and now. The truth is, I have a friend that is going through a really rough time right now. Actually a few of them are but this one is different. I’m not even sure what we are. We’re somewhere more than friends but less than lovers. It’s who all the dreams, premonitions and future predictions are supposed to be about and this has been baffling me for almost two years now.

I never wanted nor expected anything from this friendship. Quite frankly, when we knew each other as kids, I didn’t really know anything about him and I was too caught up in my own drug induced coma to care. Years go by and I stayed close to the friend that we have in common. Not as close as we are now but his name came up a few times over the years but then fast forward years down the road our paths cross again. I was just fresh from a breakup. Yet another failed attempt to love a man that loved me so much that he’d also asked for my hand in marriage. I wasn’t looking for anything which, I’m told, is just when shit finds you.

It felt, at first, like two bored and possibly lonely people who happened upon one another to pass the time. He was going through a rough time then as well and I think I liked that I could take care of him a bit. In the beginning, it was all fun but then the “L-word” came out of his month but not in the way that I say it. To him, it’s something you say about cheese or a TV show or your favorite socks. To me, it was different and ignored a bit. But then I’d had this revelation when I was getting these messages and emails from my ex. I could never love the ex and I’d always told him as well. I’ve never lied about my feelings for anyone. I’ve always been upfront. But I realized that I felt something for my friend that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. A true, unconditional love that should only be reserved for the very special. It confused me. It annoyed me and I had all these emotional Chernobyl moments that led to our first departure from one another for a while.

We do that. I hate that we do that but something stupid happens and we retreat from each other. We find our way back eventually and after each time I feel like these feelings are going away. That they were just some crazy, drunk moment of emotions and I’m back to normal again but that never happens. After a while, after some really stupid fights, after some really big eff ups, after this long now, I’ve realized that this might not go away. These feelings.

On some level it bothers me that the reason we’re not together is because he’s holding out hope for some picture perfect woman who looks good next to him on insta-snap-tweet-book. If I’d had that same mentality I’d have gotten married a long time ago to some Greek built God and would probably already be divorced by now. But I don’t. I know that at the end of the day, when you’re 80 years old and both of you are saggy and wrinkly and have false teeth, you want to be with the person that makes you smile, that holds your hand and you feel comfort and that you know will always be by your side.

My current reality is knowing that he’ll never understand all of that above as much as I’ll never understand why God chose him to be the one I really fell for. I’ll never understand that when he’s sad or in trouble, all I want to do is lay his head in my lap, stroke his hair and tell him everything will be ok and if it’s not I’ll do everything in my power to make it ok. I’ll never understand why no one else has even come close to this. She’s a tricky S.O.B., that thing called love. It’s a pretty powerful thing too. I’ve said before that he’s my punishment for all the men that loved me and that I could never love back. This is entirely unfair and yet probably exactly what I deserve.

I was once warned, by an anonymous donor, that I was wasting my time. I’m still sure this was a jaded or jealous ex girlfriend of his but never knew how she knew who I was. The only thing she did is make me feel like crap about me and not change my opinion of him. I know who he is, what he’s done, I know things that even he doesn’t know I know and I know where we stand and I’m still not sorry for any of it. I’ve not betrayed his confidence. I’ve not harmed him for his actions and I’ll be as supportive as he’ll let me be because, even though we’re not where I wouldn’t mind us to be and will never be, he’s still one of the most special people to me. This is literally the strangest relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

Well, those are my thoughts right now… For my current state of perfect imperfection. Hope you’re having a great day.

A Perfect Life By: Party Supplies

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The strange rarities in life…

The weird and wonderfully strange rarities in life. I like the strange and the weird and that’s good because all that is usually attracted to me in some form or fashion. Whether this be in people or in situations, I find myself being drawn to the different. This has always been the opposite of the types of men I usually date because they’re all stupid and rich and normally boring but that’s not what I’m attracted to.

I’d just had a conversation with someone who described me as quirky, humorously witty and unknowingly sexy. I probably should have been a bit humble but I wasn’t and told him that I appreciated him more for noticing all the right things. This conversation wasn’t really going any place for me because I was quickly bored. After that I went to leave but for some reason decided to go through notes from a future reading I’d had done not that long ago.

Most of the time, when I get these new age entertainment readings I usually forget everything that was said but this is the one that’s been spot on for a long time now. The one that said it would bring all this luck and happiness to myself and another if we were to be together. I went back through all their stuff and everything that’s happened in the last few months was totally predicted, for both of us. I also know the “outcome” of some bad luck but only if “certain things happen” blah. I like and hate this because as much as you can give it as much or as little merit as you want, this truth of what’s happened so far can not be denied. There’s a certain point where coincidence doesn’t really apply anymore. There is actually a sort of pseudoscience to all this astrology and other new age practices. My ex was part Cherokee Indian and he really believed in all these things. He’d done a peyote sweat thing, knew his spirit animal and got his readings done by gypsies.

Then, not too long ago, I mean a female fifth generation Shaman who’s also a Catholic. We’ve had many conversations about both of these ideas conflicting with one another. She’s pretty amazing and gift and strangely has also had the same stuff to say as what I’d already heard. At this point, it’s about asking the same question, getting told the answer is always the same but never being happy with it… or something like that.

So basically my life is like this, I know what I want to happen, I know what is supposed to happen and I know what should happen to make two people very happy and very lucky but since I don’t actually believe in that future I try to fight it all the time. It’s as if I’m pushing then pulling my way through a perceived future that feels like it’s no longer in my hands because all the fighting that I’m doing brings me back to the same person every. single. time. I’ve tried to purge this person. I’ve tried to just go about my day but somehow something pulls us back. Just like the fact that we were pulled back into each others lives after 20 plus years. Effing weird, is my life most of the time. Also, how do you tell someone that doesn’t believe in this stuff, “Hey your life sucks because of this reason and here’s how you fix it.” Especially when they don’t want that future anyway. You’d assume that enough history that’s been predicted and proven would but no. Not to some.

I feel like I need to have a very large martini for dinner. I usually never feel like that.

Hope you are all having a great day and if any of you go have a drink, have an extra one for me as well. Thanks.

Choices By: Nero

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