Mood Music… And Another Discussion About Expectations.

I flip flop about the way I listen to music. Some days I let my iTunes library be my guide, other days I like to listen to the mood playlists on Spotify. I usually don’t agree with their playlists but it gives me the opportunity to listen to new stuff or stuff I’ve missed.

Today, I was thinking about my mood music and what I listen to when I’m “moody” so here’s what I came up with:

Angry: Pennywise, Distrubred, Korn, Nine Inch Nails.

Sad: Tim McGraw’s Don’t Take The Girl (that’s my go to cry song if I feel like I need to cry), Blue October.

Spiritual: Plumb, Enation.

Sexy: The Golden Palominos, Poe, The Weeknd, Fiona Apple, Heather Nova.

Happy: Bastille, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Ellie Goulding.

On sunny afternoon drive: Ray LaMontagne, Leonard Cohen, Hozier.

When I feel like I wanna dance: Marc Anthony, Sia.

When it’s a rainy day: Jessie Ware, David Grey, Nina Simone, or any jazz.

When I want to dream: Instrumental or Lindsey Stirling.

Of course this list changes by the day according to the mood I have already verses the mood I want to be in. That’s one expectation that’s always met. Music has the ability to change my mood in a heartbeat.

Expectations are a funny thing. What’s the saying, “Hope for the best and expect the worst?!” Blah horrible yet true phrase. The thing is, I’m not sure that my expectations are that high to begin with.

These are the things in life that I expect…
When I get an amazing blowout I expect it to rain soon.
I expect my GBF to always send me a “Good morning” text with some cute meme.
I can always count on not hearing back from my brother for about three days after I text him.
I know that my boss will always be late, except on Fridays when I have his check ready.
I expect to never have feelings as deeply as I do for THE friend for anyone else.
I expect those feelings to never be reciprocated.
I expect that I will always get tired of my natural hair color and always go back to blonde.
I expect that almost all calls after midnight are usually either booty calls or bad news.
I expect that the feeling of running away will come soon, again.
I expect that the dishes in my sink will stay there until I either don’t have any dishes left to use or I get seriously bored one day.

Those are the things that I can usually count on in life. No surprises there. However, while chatting with my GBF earlier we were joking about finding “husbands” somewhere. He said that I need to lower my expectations. This I won’t do. First, because I tried and it didn’t work and second what the hell is wrong with having an expectation that I want to date someone who I feel connected with. Since when was that a bad idea?

To some girls, settling means that they find a guy less attractive or with less money or with a lessor job than they planned. To me, settling is to find someone that I don’t connect with. It’s that simple. I don’t have strong connections to many people. I have a crapload of friends or acquaintances but few strong connections. These are the people that I’d spend my last dime on, ones that I’d let live in my space, ones that I give more of myself to than I’ve done with anyone else. These people are the ones that know my secrets, almost all my secrets.

So, no. I’m not going to settle in that area. I guess if that means it’s just me, my BFF and a lot of dogs when we grow old and are pulling our insignificant social security check at the end of the month then so be it. I suppose I should start expecting that as well then.

Things aren’t always as simple as changing a mindset. Some days maybe I wish things were that easy. I’d do the whole “Poof” and now I actually want to marry any one of the last few guys that have asked. But no, I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of expectations that are so low in my daily life that there’s not much room for error.

I think this solar eclipse (singing Total Eclipse of the Heart each time I say that) has me feeling strange. A bit anxious, maybe a little sad and something that I’m not quite sure of. I’m sure that the horror movie I just watched didn’t really help that mood much. It’s now time for a run I guess and then bed I guess. I’ll just go about my expected routine tonight.

Hope you’re having a great week. What’s your mood music?

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Dinner and a Movie night… It’s not a date night.

First, I must state that I’m much more tipsy than I realized about an hour ago. I’m not sure what that will lead to on here. But it’s nice to know that even tipsy, I still got my run in. I came in immediately from the movie, while taking the pants off at the door and put on my workout clothes, then proceeded to workout. I got my steps in so ha!

THE friend and I went to see Deadpool and have dinner tonight, as you already know by the title it wasn’t a date night and don’t worry not every event that we share together has to be some monumentally emotional roller-coaster for me either. I will mention these two things though and then move on. Sometimes, I hate that he knows me like he does and I try NOT to acknowledge that he does. The first instance was when we were in the movie before it started and he asked if I was cold and assuming he was about to chunk his jacket at me, I said no but I was freezing. He knows I’m always cold. Second, withthe “Are you ok to get home?” Of course I said yes. What the hell would he have done anyway? But I realized that maybe I hadn’t eaten enough during the movie.

Those may seem like little trivial insignificant details; however, they are not. Because every once in a while I realize that he pays attention, sometimes. Trust me, we still have our battles of some things that are small and some that are huge but at least we’re working on them better?! I guess, now that I’ve said that there is sure to be a slip up at my expense. I usually curse things where I say something nice.

Okay, so moving on from that. While I was waiting for him prior to the movie my ex was texting me weird things. Yes, I still talk to him but not nearly as much as he talks to me. Some conversations are a week of him texting randomly and me responding when I have nothing else to do or when THE friend is on his phone. But tonight he was going off about going to bed early and missing someone sleeping next to him. As much as he is someone pretty to cuddle up to I knew where he was trying to go with this so I just changed the conversation. He’d ended up saying that he was renting a beach house for a week and wanted me to go with him. How many times can you tell someone you’re not interested and make it clear? THE friend told me that he wasn’t and I’ve understood since day one but no… This ex just keeps expecting something that I’m have no desire to give him. Again, this is my karma.

On to the movie. I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds because of his comedic delivery. His sarcasm would probably be enough to give me an orgasm. So, I wanted to go see this because of him and because there were NOT supposed to be any romantic undertones. So I as wrong. Again. I’ve stated my dislike for romantic movies in the past and my reasons are because they fill girls and women with false senses of what things are really like. I mean seriously, what do you think really happens after, “And they lived happily ever after.” The rest of that is, “Until there was no passion left to argue and the princess cheats because her husband is boring and the prince lets his mother run his life too much so they divorce and they’re both on their third marriage.”

So you understand my point. There is no such thing as a “Happily ever after” because nothing is perfect and who wants to live up to those standards anyway. Who wants to live in the normalcy that fairy tales create with the man saving the woman and then, soon after they have a bouncing baby college fund. But in all honesty the other reason I don’t like romantic movies is because they make me miss being in a relationship. I miss the cuddling and the sexual exploration when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you like and vice versa. And again, when it was there for the taking, I didn’t take it because I wasn’t there yet.

Dealpool was not a classic romantic movie but he gets the girl in the end and she gets her man. So if my life was a romantic comedy then I guess my ex would get me, I’d get THE friend and THE friend would get whoever his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday girl is. Well now, there’s no room for a happily ever after there then for anyone.

Yes, I suppose in some twisted sense of fate I can always bring anything back to THE friend and I. Do they still lobotomize patience? Just curious. I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to try. I have literally tried everything else to get to the same place that THE friend is with me, with him. I’ve prayed so many times, “Dear God, please make my feelings for “insert name here” be the same as what his are for me (or lack thereof)”. Nothing, nothing has worked. Twisted bitchy fate, I suppose. Maybe I should ask what the Friday and Saturday girls do to get their prime spot?

I wonder if I’ll come back tomorrow and read this with a totally sober mind and just say, “WTF, again? SHUT UP!” Can I unsubscribe to myself? I have no idea. Anyway, it’s off to watch the X-Files finale and then to bed. I hope you are all having a great week and remember to do the little things and be grateful for the little things that someone does for you. 🙂

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My Day of Nothing…

Well, as predicted, I didn’t do anything today and mostly because my body didn’t want to but around 9ish pm I started to stare at my Fitbit. It was giving me this disappointed look. So, I got up from my computer and started walking. Then, that started to turn into a run. Then, before I knew it I was done with 10,000 steps and more, sweating beautifully and thankful that my body didn’t give out on me.

Since I’m a “routine girl” I usually get my workouts in over the week. It’s easier that way and most of the time my weekends have me running around doing all kinds of things that I don’t even need to think about “getting in m exercise” but today was going to be a lazy day, a recuperating day. I’m glad it ended up not being one of those days.

Now, I realize that my day, even at 11ish pm should be close to being over but it’s not. I’m trying to decide whether I should go meet friends or just stay in. I want to feel like I did something this weekend before he mundane week starts. But I’m sweaty, would need to shower and get ready and by the time I do all that it would be midnight. Blah, I have the social life of someone in their 20’s sometimes.

I have no idea what’s in store for tomorrow but all I ask is that it be a fun, relaxing and no expectations kind of day. I’m not sure if I’ll be watching the Oscars with THE friend since I’ve not heard from him but as I said, I’m having a no expectations day tomorrow. Course, ask me that again tomorrow night and see if that’s the same carefree answer.

Here’s a nice little story for you though. The sweat pants I started running in almost a month ago, feel off me tonight as I was running. Yep, that’s a good thing but what’s an even better thing is that they didn’t fall off when I was at the gym. That would not have been a pretty sight. Just saying…

On a completely different note. Over Christmas, my friend from the northeast had sent me some money. It was kind of a thank you for doing some work for him on top of a monthly payment. It was unexpected and very appreciated however, it’s been sitting in my wallet since then. A tiny little plastic card with my name on and lots of money. I wanted to do something fun with it and not just piss it away on something stupid but I can’t seem to think of what I want to use it for. I thought about taking a trip with it, buying something nice or paying for just a really fun day of something that I would remember. I have no idea what I want to do with it. Any ideas?

Anyway, I just wanted to write something. I guess I have to quickly decide what the rest of tonight will have in store for me. Hope you’re all having a great weekend.

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Two Forward One Back… Are We Dancing Yet?

For the most part, I had a nice day. Work is stressful but busy so it makes the time go by. I was getting bombarded all day with invitations to do weird shit tonight but I had declined all offers knowing that I had plans. My day was going to be work, workout, TV or movies with THE friend and an early night. My day went work, workout, dinner with friends and an early night, maybe.

Around 7ish, when I hadn’t heard from THE friend, I’d texted him and he’d “forgotten”. Here’s the thing, my days are packed. I have work shit all over the place, meetings, appointments and friends to see and none of them nor me “forget” plans. I have the worst memory but I try to put a lot of things in my phone so that it reminds me. But since this doesn’t happen with anyone else I have to recognize my feelings about it. Forgetting plans translates to forgetting that person. Forgetting me? Well, I’m so sorry that I’m not some magically glittery unicorn that excites you enough for you to remember one day of plans.

That was my initial reaction. Then it changed a bit. My boss is a lot like THE friend and he forgets shit all the time. BUT he never forgets the fun or cool shit. That’s always the first thing he remembers. So then I start to think “Wow, I’m neither cool nor fun enough to remember. Awesome”. Then I want to cry a bit. I realize that this one instance and this one word “forgot” makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Then I realize that this is just bringing out all my insecurities and making me realize why I can’t get emotionally invested in this friendship again.

Now, I’m not five years old so if plans had changed that’s a whole other story. I’m fine with that. Shit happens (as they say). But I was FORGOTTEN! And for some reason I feel small and insignificant to one fucking person and it changes my mood. I realize that this is stupid because I have a shitload of other people that don’t feel that way about me, that don’t forget plans with me and that make me realize my worth. So why does one person make me change those ideas? It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself for caring, for expecting anything and because I let this bother me. I’m pissed because I give up power where he’s concern. I’m angry at myself for giving a shit.

On the drive home, I had this weird conversation in my head with his side being something like, “It’s not a big deal. I forget shit all the time. Get over it.” My side of it was trying to explain that what if we’d made plans, you were going to cook dinner and were waiting for me and I just never showed up and never texted you at all. How would that make you feel? It made logical sense to me in my mind, while having this fictional conversation. At the end of it I screamed one long loud primal scream in hopes that it would get out of my system knowing that my last resort was to capture it here to get it out of my head because God forbid a female has an emotion.

That being said, do I bring this up. Nope, because I can’t care anymore. I can’t let this shit bother me. It really is like we take two steps forward and one back except it’s not a dance and I’m not having any fun. But apparently I’m the only one who gives a shit so it’s really just my problem anyway right?

Obviously, if I didn’t get angry then I wouldn’t care but now I feel the need to distance myself and put up a wall again. My wall, in the past, has been so thick that nothing could penetrate it and only then did I not get hurt. Those were better days for pain, or lack thereof except I also didn’t let the good stuff in either. Since my life is about balance, health and getting to a better place I can’t do that again. I can’t go back there again but I also can’t keep doing this.

It seemed like a small thing but it’s not because it brings out all my insecurities and all the things that were wrong with our friendship in the past. The last time we hung out it was good. I even thanked him for trying so hard (the two steps forward) and now this. If I was to write words on a picture of me right now they’d say things like “insecure, forgettable, disrespected, not good enough, small, insignificant” but I know that those are only temporary and that I can’t allow myself to believe those things. Even if he thinks of me that way no one else does so why should I care anymore.

As I said, I was having a nice day. But now, it’s out of my system a bit so I’m going to go to bed early and forget this shit as easily as he did. I have a good busy week ahead so this is just a bump in the road, I just wish it didn’t damage my heart a bit.

Hope you’re all having a good day.

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Great expectations and the lost art of surprises…

Weird dreams and moving all over the place last night made is so I had a restless sleep which is just typical these days, and therefore I’m feeling restless today. I don’t expect anything other these days.

Expectations… I think I used to be much more of a positive soul until I continually got disappointed with other people. Having too many expectations on others, assuming that people are better than they are, well that’s my fault right? I’ve been warned so many times, “Don’t expect anything OR expect the worst”. But isn’t that theory against the positive thought process of the universe? Aren’t you supposed to expect the best to bring the best into your world? Well, I’ve tried it every way and each time I seem to be more and more disappointed.

This brings me to surprises. There are certainly not enough good surprises out there. When you assume the outcome of something and you assume the worst and your barely ever surprised this kinda brings you down. I think between this, that and others things I wish my daily view on things was brighter but it seems to be darkening with each passing moment.

I just want something to happen that’s great, unexpected and deserved. I’m tired of getting the bad luck, which I do not deserve. I have a hard time thinking about what would truly even shock me for the better these days. Life is boring. It’s expected and disappointing. People are expected and disappointing. I’m in a strange mood today. I need a shock to my system, a soul-jump, an unexpected great surprise. I want to get back to the stage where I love my life again. I hope to find that space soon so until then, I will just glide by invisible to the outside world and I’ll just become a fly on the wall until the appropriate time comes.

I’m off to go be unsurprised by humans. Hope you’re having a great day.

Black Flies By: Ben Howard

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