Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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Dinner and a Movie night… It’s not a date night.

First, I must state that I’m much more tipsy than I realized about an hour ago. I’m not sure what that will lead to on here. But it’s nice to know that even tipsy, I still got my run in. I came in immediately from the movie, while taking the pants off at the door and put on my workout clothes, then proceeded to workout. I got my steps in so ha!

THE friend and I went to see Deadpool and have dinner tonight, as you already know by the title it wasn’t a date night and don’t worry not every event that we share together has to be some monumentally emotional roller-coaster for me either. I will mention these two things though and then move on. Sometimes, I hate that he knows me like he does and I try NOT to acknowledge that he does. The first instance was when we were in the movie before it started and he asked if I was cold and assuming he was about to chunk his jacket at me, I said no but I was freezing. He knows I’m always cold. Second, withthe “Are you ok to get home?” Of course I said yes. What the hell would he have done anyway? But I realized that maybe I hadn’t eaten enough during the movie.

Those may seem like little trivial insignificant details; however, they are not. Because every once in a while I realize that he pays attention, sometimes. Trust me, we still have our battles of some things that are small and some that are huge but at least we’re working on them better?! I guess, now that I’ve said that there is sure to be a slip up at my expense. I usually curse things where I say something nice.

Okay, so moving on from that. While I was waiting for him prior to the movie my ex was texting me weird things. Yes, I still talk to him but not nearly as much as he talks to me. Some conversations are a week of him texting randomly and me responding when I have nothing else to do or when THE friend is on his phone. But tonight he was going off about going to bed early and missing someone sleeping next to him. As much as he is someone pretty to cuddle up to I knew where he was trying to go with this so I just changed the conversation. He’d ended up saying that he was renting a beach house for a week and wanted me to go with him. How many times can you tell someone you’re not interested and make it clear? THE friend told me that he wasn’t and I’ve understood since day one but no… This ex just keeps expecting something that I’m have no desire to give him. Again, this is my karma.

On to the movie. I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds because of his comedic delivery. His sarcasm would probably be enough to give me an orgasm. So, I wanted to go see this because of him and because there were NOT supposed to be any romantic undertones. So I as wrong. Again. I’ve stated my dislike for romantic movies in the past and my reasons are because they fill girls and women with false senses of what things are really like. I mean seriously, what do you think really happens after, “And they lived happily ever after.” The rest of that is, “Until there was no passion left to argue and the princess cheats because her husband is boring and the prince lets his mother run his life too much so they divorce and they’re both on their third marriage.”

So you understand my point. There is no such thing as a “Happily ever after” because nothing is perfect and who wants to live up to those standards anyway. Who wants to live in the normalcy that fairy tales create with the man saving the woman and then, soon after they have a bouncing baby college fund. But in all honesty the other reason I don’t like romantic movies is because they make me miss being in a relationship. I miss the cuddling and the sexual exploration when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you like and vice versa. And again, when it was there for the taking, I didn’t take it because I wasn’t there yet.

Dealpool was not a classic romantic movie but he gets the girl in the end and she gets her man. So if my life was a romantic comedy then I guess my ex would get me, I’d get THE friend and THE friend would get whoever his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday girl is. Well now, there’s no room for a happily ever after there then for anyone.

Yes, I suppose in some twisted sense of fate I can always bring anything back to THE friend and I. Do they still lobotomize patience? Just curious. I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to try. I have literally tried everything else to get to the same place that THE friend is with me, with him. I’ve prayed so many times, “Dear God, please make my feelings for “insert name here” be the same as what his are for me (or lack thereof)”. Nothing, nothing has worked. Twisted bitchy fate, I suppose. Maybe I should ask what the Friday and Saturday girls do to get their prime spot?

I wonder if I’ll come back tomorrow and read this with a totally sober mind and just say, “WTF, again? SHUT UP!” Can I unsubscribe to myself? I have no idea. Anyway, it’s off to watch the X-Files finale and then to bed. I hope you are all having a great week and remember to do the little things and be grateful for the little things that someone does for you. šŸ™‚

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Life Lessons In Unlikely Places…

Coming home from a pleasant evening with friends tonight and on the drive home I decided to play my “Sexy” playlist on Spotify. Regardless of how unsexy I must have looked dancing and singing in my car on the way home, at least I felt a bit. Then, once home, I started flipping through channels in hopes that something would grab my attention. I stopped on HBO and caught the last 30 minutes of the Magic Mike 2 movie.

I’m going to defend myself here. These were both so so stupid movies. However, those dance scenes where hypnotic. It’s also become a joke with m BFF and I and I’ll tell you a bit of the back story to this now.

When she and I both turned eighteen, we decided to venture into LaBare. Which, for those of you that don’t know, is a strip club for women. We were initially shocked at how insane these women got when the men came out and shook their asses. First, back then, there was no “Magic Mike” dance scenes so it was mostly just gyrating groins on these tall, tan, muscular slick stallions but we were never impressed. While almost all the women would jump up and clamor toward the stage at the first three seconds of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, we would just be sitting in our chairs and appreciating the music. We’d mostly make friends with the waiters which were almost always better looking so that we could drink before the law abiding age. Now, because we didn’t come off as these crazy females, we’d actually be pretty popular by the end of the night so we ended up making friends with the dancers and managers or whoever. Fast forward a few years and the business that I’m in made it very easy to be invited to a strip club, almost weekly whether it be a male or female one it never mattered.

During this time of frequent stops at these clubs it became such a common experience to show up around 1 am, drink a bit and end up hanging out with everyone till the sun came up. While doing this I soaked in the infinite stripper wisdom and let me tell you something, it was very worth while. Do you know how easy it became to have an actual conversation while sitting either on a man’s lap with only a “c–k sock” on or sitting next to a woman who was topless. After a while you become desensitized to someone actually trying to hit on you for the right reasons because the lessons I’ve learned from both Wall Street sales boys and strippers makes it very easy to just assume everyone is out to get something in their own best interest.

But, I can’t say that I didn’t use what I was taught. The first lesson was eye contact. This is so important for both men and women. But here’s what you do. There’s a point when you know the other person is looking at you, whiling staring at the floor you slowly raise your vision directly into theirs and don’t look away while having a tiny curl of your lip as if it was about to become a devious smile. Hold it as long as you can. I still do that when I’m flirting and it’s never failed.

The next lesson was the touching. All the magazines say you’re supposed to touch a man on his arm, or leg as much as possible to flirt with him or to let him know you’re interested but what they taught me was to take the ring finger on either hand and just lightly run it down a man’s arm, almost as soft as a whisper. That usually works too.

Lastly, was the whisper itself. Now, this goes for any man or woman and especially when someone does this to me. Oh Wow! I’ll go crazy. But you lean in, especially when your out at a club or bar and it’s loud, whisper something, anything, but make it so that your lips graze against their ear and they can feel your breath. Drives me crazy! Did I mention that?

There was a lot of other things they taught all by accident because it was really just me observing a lot but that would turn this post into a rate R so I’ll leave those for another night but I think being around that world and yes, it’s a world all on it’s own, got me so jaded about dating and sex and money. The things that would or should normally turn me on are not the things that do. I usually go for the opposite of what those strippers tried to do because they made it all so fake but humorous never-the-less.

Truth is though, lately, I’ve not really tried any of those tricks or any real type of romantic or sexual serenade. While I crave some sort of intimate human interaction and while it’s easy for me to pull a “booty call number” from my phone it’s all so immature and fake. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger but now i crave something different, something better.

I crave jazz on a Sunday afternoon and cuddling so good that it makes me not want to go to work the next morning. I want something more than a 20 minute bang and then I get up and leave. I want a man that makes me want to stay and makes me want to cook breakfast for him the next day.

My ex (that I work with) and I would do this thing where we’d go to bars and see who could get the most phone numbers from suitors. It was a joke to us. We’d do a lot of stupid shit which would probably make other partners jealous but to us it was fun. But there was this one night, after a strip club, that a guy I’d known had come to the table. I guess my ex got a bit jealous and out of no where he told the guy that we were married. Which we weren’t even close to but it was the first time that I’d seen jealousy in his eyes and it kinda turned me on a lot. There was this guy who was totally secure in almost every way and he was so unsure of himself that he felt like he needed to take ownership of property at that very moment. That was probably one of the best nights of sex for us.

But those are the weird things that turn me on. I don’t want obvious “this is on page 3 of my playbook” moves. Tell me something honest, true, cry about something real, blue, wear the color blue I don’t know why. Bare feet with jeans is so sexy, laughing, looking into my eyes but without the pretense of “hey lets f*ck”. Whisper something to me. Give me a hug that you mean, not a half ass, side hug. Music, music, music. Order for me at a restaurant. Take me somewhere that I’ve never been and surprise me. Give me something of yourself even just for a moment.

My life has certainly made it hard to trust and to date especially when I’m not looking for a “right now” It’s tough. So maybe strippers never really taught me anything but maybe they jaded and ruined me. They did help me read people which I’m pretty good at. They help me understand that attaining perfection is a lie and that appearances don’t matter as much. Do I want the 6ft 3in, dark and handsome guy who sold his soul a long time ago and can’t muster the car note he’s got on his souped up Jaguar even though he makes well over six figures a year? If I wanted that, I’d have had that a long time ago and I can promise you that I would have left that by now. I’d give up the numbers to all those guys for the right guy now who didn’t posses any of that. I’m just not sure I’ve even met him yet.

So long ago were the nights spent with exotic dancers till the sun rose and even though it was fun back then and there’s an occasional fun night out at a club these days where I get to practice my skills I have no desire to go back into that realm. Wow, that felt like a different life ago, a different body ago and just a much different time. I’m not sure if this is growing up or growing old. Man, the stories I could tell.

So that’s my story tonight about a life lived long ago. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. I’m doing nothing for the rest of this weekend, or that’s my plan of no plans.

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Exes and Sexes…

I was going through a memory box the other day that I’d had hidden and found an envelope that my ex’s mother had sent me. He’s the one who past away last year. Inside were some of his CD’s of concerts that we’d gone to. There were also some notes or letters that he’d written me that I guess he’d never expected to send. I get that. I do that myself but his were all nice and loving.

Sometimes, I think that I could never have been with him entirely because I didn’t deserve to be loved, not that greatly. That wasn’t the truth though. The truth was that we were never that compatible. We never fought or argued. There wasn’t any passion. I wouldn’t ever let him touch me in public. I believe that couples should argue, it’s part of passion and the fact that he was Spanish, I always assumed that he was suffocating himself and his emotions. I was more of the man in that relationship because I was just numb and didn’t care.

In the looks department though, he was absolutely my type. I like tall men but the truth is just under 6 foot is perfect for me. I’m a tall girl and standing eye to eye with a man (in boots) is kinda sexy. He had dark hair. These kind eyes that I would stare into and wonder what the hell he was doing in this loveless relationship with me. He had a nice body but chest hair which I do not find sexy.

He never met my family. I’d met his. He’d never met my best friend. I’d met his. He was barely ever at my home. We were always at his. He was so proper and a gentleman which is great sometimes but I also want a guy who has a hair out of place, has clothes with holes that he wears to do shit around the house in. I want a guy that doesn’t always have to be perfect.

He never knew my history. He never knew my favorite flower, color or what I’m scared of. We never had intimate conversations with secrets being spilled because I felt so comfortable. He wasn’t spontaneous. He wasn’t adventurous. He wasn’t ever loved, by me. That sounds harsh and cold but that wasn’t a secret. I told him the truth about how I felt, or didn’t feel and it didn’t matter. He saw something he wanted and thought he could have it. He was wrong.

The last conversation we’d had was pleasant. There were no hurt feelings and it ended the way it should have and from what his mom had said, he was happy. I was angry after I’d found out about his death because I felt like he’d wasted his time on being in love with me when he should have been making someone else happy that deserved him but I’m at peace with everything now. I believe in the domino effect and that everything still happens for a reason.

There’s also a reason why I still work with the first guy I was ever in love with. He knows me enough to know when to have a conversation with me about something and he gives good advice all while still looking out for my best interests as well. He’s happily married and I really like his wife so there’s nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time. I actually remember the day I fell out of love with him because he was never my forever. But regardless, we work well together.

Some boyfriends or dates might be jealous about that but it doesn’t matter who the first love of your life is. It only matters who the last one is. This goes the same for relationships and sex, to me. It doesn’t matter about all the others. It only matters about the one your with right now. That’s why I don’t really ask too many questions about previous relationships. After each on, the slate is wiped clean and you get to start over. While everyone still has their “patterns” on what they do with dates, it’s all about the new experience with that person.

Do they worry about the intricate details? Do they take time to plan something special? Do they take into account your needs, wants or desires? When they touch you, is it a soft graze, a playful slap or a rough passionate pull? Do they anticipate the things that they secretly know you like? Do they look you in the eyes when they speak to you? Do they pull out the information they’re looking for? Are they a gentleman when they need to be but take control where they should?

For me, it’s always gone beyond holding a door open for a lady, putting the toilet seat down or pulling a chair out for me to sit. It’s about those small little things that I notice. Do they say “God bless you” after a sneeze? Do they wipe that tiny little eye lash from under your eye? Do they slowly kiss your cheek right above your lip, then pause and kiss you ever so tenderly on the lips?

Hmmm, so it seems I’ve gone off on a tangent and I’m really not sure why. I guess traveling down memory lane but imagining an entirely different memory is what’s going on. This whole thing started to let go of my ex, for good, which is why I burned his letters. Seems cold right? It’s actually cathartic for me. It’s symbolizes the finality of all of it for me. I’m finally of clear mind. This will only assure the next real relationship doesn’t come with relationship baggage from my side. I’ve never really been into bringing past relationships into new ones anyway.

I’ll leave you with two of MY favorite songs from the CD’s in his box. He hated them both but I always liked them.

Hope you’re off to a great weekend.

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27 Days of Music ā€“ The Zā€™sā€¦ and nothing much else.

My BFF used to just drive around and have these weird, crazy chats about stuff and we’d always finalize the drive by saying something like, “I’m so glad there’s no hidden cameras in here”. I thought about that today, as I was driving doing errands. I thought that it was a really bad idea if anyone was to hear some of the things I say inside my head.

We all do that, right? We all say some crazy stuff to ourselves. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad but most of my conversations are of me arguing with myself. Ok, now that makes me sound a bit insane but it seems to work.

I also learned in therapy that if a negative thought or image comes in your mind then you should try to imagine yourself “blowing it away”. I use a double barrel shotgun to chase my negative thoughts away but they always seem to come back. It’s a trick I was taught to use during meditation but that always seemed counter-productive to me. If I’m supposed to be sitting quietly and having happy thoughts why am I blowing crap away?

And these are the things I write about after having a shitty week. It’s tax season. Working is killing me, slowly and I’ve been having issues with other things. The “other things” are the most important that I need to work out but I’ve broken my pattern about asking the stars for help, especially since they always pointed me in the wrong direction. This time, I actually am trying to be an adult.

The one thing that’s been helping me the most is the comical situations that I share with m ex at work. I constantly look at him and wonder why we ever dated but we have become good friends and can read each other pretty well. He talks me down from the ledge when I’m about to snap and I put him in his place when it’s needed. I guess that relationship taught me that you can share some sort of friendly connection to someone and still think they’re stupid or wonder why you ever got together in the first place.

I like that that relationship taught me something. I think they all do. Some, you see how strong it is and some you see how weak it is. Either way, there’s a lessen in there somewhere. I struggle to find it sometimes but I working on that too. There’s a lot I need to work on but I think my anger is finally subsiding. I guess it does help to get things out.

Hope you’re having a great week.

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Happiness and annoyances…

Apparently, I am so missed in having a great mood all day that yesterday my boss kept asking me if I’d gotten laid over the weekend. (We have a strange relationship.) I finally had to tell him that if my mood was predicted by orgasms then I’d be happy 99% of the time. That shut him up, which was the point and the happiness carried out all through out the day. It’s still here too, even though I wasn’t feeling well enough to go to work, I wasn’t unhappy.

While attempting to sleep my pain away today, I was talking with an ex in hopes that he would make me sleepy. Instead, he was just annoying me and he found out very quickly that, even if I’m no longer speaking to someone that I care for, no one has the right to say anything negative about that person. That’s something that’s always annoyed me. When someone else feels like trashing another person in hopes that they look better. It doesn’t work that way, at least, not with me. Speaking negatively about someone else just makes you look like trash and it’s a waste of energy. Sadly, there’s not a whole lot of people that have those same feelings.

It didn’t make me that sad to “let go” of my ex, that I was speaking with and realize that there’s a reason he’s not in my life any longer. It was a strange reason why we were chatting today anyway. He’s from a past, long ago and someone that could never really hold my attention much anyway. He was a touch boring. I don’t do well with boring or easy. Neither is a way to get me although sometimes boredom in repetition is the only way I get things done, it doesn’t make me happy.

I’ve often had this problem when it came to men in my life. A lot of them came easy. That sounds bad but there was never much passion and certainly not enough “John Hughes 80’s movie moments” as I call them. People say that women don’t live their lives by time, it’s by moments and I completely agree. I also agree that if somethings too easy and there’s no fight, or passion then it’s not really worth having.

It’s like the boredom of the “normal date”. I hate dinner and a movie and it’s been probably years since I’ve succumbed to a fate of a date like that. If you can’t think outside the box then maybe you should be trying to get into someone else’s box. This is why I’m swearing off dating for now. I’m looking for something else, something different. My lease is up in about six months and I’ve got a few options. I’ve found a person who is willing to fund me on a business venture that I really want to do but it will involve me moving, which I’m not too bummed about. I’ve always wanted to run my own business, hire who I want and make my own hours and I’ve had enough experience to be able to do this. I’ve been “saying” that I want to do something else for far too long and the truth is, at my age, if you’re not married and thinking about or having kids then you should have a nice career. I have the nice career which I like but I’d like to do something else and I could have the husband and the kids but there are currently no prospects that I would even entertain the idea of.

If these last few weeks have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that spending time worrying about what others think of you, still “playing around with peoples emotions, souls or bodies” past the age of 30 or filling your karma bank with bad karma isn’t the way to live. God didn’t put us on this earth to win at the game of sleeping around from human to human or wasting life with the skills he’s given you. It’s about love, kindness and helping people. John Wooden said “You can’t live a perfect day until you do something for someone who will never be able to repay you”. I plan on fulfilling this quote as much as possible.

You can’t expect things to change if you don’t change things.

I know this post is filled with quotes and cliches but a lot of them ring true. They are keeping me happy and content. Not to mention that regardless how silly they sound they all makes sense. I’m done living in the past, dwelling on things that didn’t work out and negative things. I’m in a good place because I choose to be, not because anyone or anything has put me here. I still pray every night for all the things I’ve been praying for over the last couple years and I have no idea if they are reaching those people or not but I’d like to believe that they are and I no longer concern myself with the question, “What do they pray for?” Because it’s none of my business and I’m not living a tit for tat life. All things happen the way they are supposed to. I do truly believe that.

So, that’s my rambling for today. I hope you are having a great week. šŸ™‚

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step

In case of emergency call… no one.

Do you think it’s possible to feel someone else’s emotional pain physically or is it possible that it’s just karma? I had four plans for tonight. The first was a “hey you wanna see a movie” last weekend from my friend. I’d thought he would forget so I didn’t put much stock in that. Second, a friend was flying in town to see his mother’s who’s in the hospital. Third was a club with a friend of mine that is about to get a divorce and lastly, I promised myself that if all my plans fell through that I’d actually go see my ex and hear him out. I’d been avoiding him for a while now so it was my last resort card to plan depending on the evening.

So, my friend didn’t forget but I’d fallen asleep after we’d made plans and had a dream that he texted me a cancellation while he was at some woman’s home because he just didn’t want to leave her. When I woke up, he’d canceled. My friend, who was flying in, was delayed due to weather so he’d decided to just come in Monday. And the third guy… well, by the time I was ready to go out he called and was really drunk. He gets way too aggressive when he’s drunk so there was no way I was going to see him especially being drunk and depressed. So that left the ex. I asked what he was doing and he’d texted me that he’s “been fucked in the head” and wrote me a letter. He’d asked if I would come over and he could read it. Sure… I guess I was meant to.

I got to his house and he got in the car before I could gather my things and he asked if we could just drive around. For an hour, we drove around and he read his letter and he cried and I just sat there, like a frozen plant. Not speaking or even moving aside from lighting a cigarette with my tremendously shaking hand. The letter was raw. The letter was painful. I didn’t know what to say. Truth is, I actually don’t even know how I feel.

This is my problem. I have the friend, who’s plainly stated that we’ll never be more than just friends so based on his words I’ve never waited around for him. But the problem is no matter who else I’m with I’ll always know that I won’t feel the same about them. I’ll never feel as comfortable, as safe or be as content and happy as when I’m with my friend. But maybe the solution isn’t that I stop seeing my ex. Maybe the solution is that I stop seeing my friend. Typing that, I cry… WTF… My ex just poured out his heart to me and nothing happens but I suggest to myself that I stop seeing my friend and I cry like an idiot. But the truth is, maybe it is the best answer for me now.

My friend says that he has two “close friends” that he spends most of his time with, me and this other guy. I’d made a joke that he liked his other friend more because he spent more time with him. He paused and said “He needs me more right now. You don’t need me at all.” And of course, being the independent person that I mumbled (under my breath) “Nope, nope I don’t”. That was a lie but I feel that I need him for the reason that I shouldn’t or maybe it doesn’t matter why you need someone. I do need him in my life but maybe I need to learn to not need him because it all hurts. He’s kept me sane, in check and he makes me feel needed too, although sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.

Regardless of all that, I dropped the ex off. I told him that I’d think about what he had to say and I would reply with a letter. I’ve always felt that its rude to not acknowledge someone’s heart felt confessions so I will response. I told him that I needed time to sort things out and asked that he just give me till the end of September to respond. He’s got friends in town till then so I know they’ll look after him.

If I decided to do this with him we’ll be living together very soon after. I’ll not see my friend that much at all (not that we actually spend a great deal of time together now) and I’ll have to come to terms that I will probably never feel the same way about another human than I do my friend and I’ll have to be ok with that. I’ll have to think as though he never came back into my life. Would I want to be in a relationship with my ex at that point? Is he what I would be looking for if the friend wasn’t in my life?

After I dropped  him off, I stopped at a friends house. She has “the good stuff”. I needed something to calm down, to stop my tears from coming up and to put me into a coma until Tuesday morning. I also needed something for the worse cramps of my life. Random fact, sex is good for those but since I don’t have a bottle of that lying around the house I was choosing my next best option. She came through with a tiny brown bag and sent me on my way. When I finally got home, double over in pain with tears streaming down my face from everything I realized she’s put enough pills in here to kill a horse, that might be dangerous right now because I just want to be numb and forget everything, actually I don’t.

This leads me to my tag line “In case of emergency” who’s on your list? I’m going through a lot right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and that’s not good but it’s also my own fault. My best friend is listed as my emergency contact on most things but that’s a bit silly since she’s not near me. My problem here is that my friend is the first person I think of when I’m sad, or in need of help or bored but I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask for help. If he ever said that he needed me to need him for something then I might just be honest and tell him that I truly do.

So now I’m sitting here, in need of talking to someone or just don’t feel like being alone and I won’t reach out and no one can read my mind and I have a bag of pills and my phones about to die and I have tears down my face, unbelievable pain and all I can think about is where’s my savior? Where’s my emergency contact? Who’s my emergency contact?

Tonight is not a great night. I hope your weekend is much better than mine. I should just go sleep now. Good Night.