Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 3.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. Complaint free – Check. Again a few goods things about today. We had a bit too much fun at work joking around and trying to take our minds off the workload that we all have right now. It worked.
2. No spending money – Half check. I was given some money by someone at work today so I used that to splurge on something so I’m half considering this as checked. After all, I didn’t spend my normal money on anything today except groceries.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 40 minutes today before I realized that I need to take a rest day in between these workouts or I won’t stick with them again. I realize that it’s a really good thing that no one else is with me while I’m working out because red-faced, sweaty and probably stinky is not a good look on anyone. But I’m not doing this for anyone else so it’s a moot point.
4. Eat healthy – Check. We even had a catered lunch and I ordered my favorite healthy dish. Plus I’d forgotten just how much I liked that restaurant that we ordered from. Probably one of my top five favorites of all time.
5. Follow my routine – Check. So far I’ve checked this too. It’s still early and I’m sure my friends are getting frustrated at me for declining on them all week but they will have to deal.

I don’t really have any thoughts for today. Not that I didn’t think but none of it was so awesome that I feel like I need to write about it. I’m in a good mood right now so I’m going to go take advantage of this. xx

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May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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And The Award Goes To…

Yep, I watched the Oscars and as I said the other night this will be the year that I’ve watched a lot of the movies that had been nominated. I was happy about that although there’s a few others that I want to see now. Ah, the movies. Life’s little pleasure that takes us out of our own life for just a moment and makes us become voyeurs to another. Sometimes these other lives are better and sometimes not.

That was also a “million dollar question”. What movie would you want to be in instead of your own life? I’m sure my answer back then was probably some Zalman King movie and catch me on a good day and it still would be but as far as a regular movie? I have no idea. I think, right now I’m stuck in between ‘Just Friends’ and the ‘Sweetest Thing’.

Now, speaking of ‘Just Friends’, I watched the award show with THE Friend and shockingly, don’t really have much to complain about. In fact, it reminded me a bit of the times that I’d been missing with the fun and playfulness. He even stayed over but not in that way. He slept on the couch which would not have been my first choice but it’s the only choice in his mind I suppose. If we can stay that way, not get into any ruts, big arguments and he can just be a bit less obvious with his blatant attempts to keep us in the friend-zone forever then I’ll be fine. I’ve always said that I know what we are, well, as far as “that” is concerned.

I liked the fact that while I was sleeping he was going about his morning very comfortably. I like that he feels that he can call this a second home if needed and I won’t even harp on the not picking up after himself. Truth is, I don’t actually mind that much as it’s kind of training for when I actually live with someone.

See, that’s a difference between he and I. He’s lived with a crapload of people, dating or roommates but I haven’t. My space is sacred and has always been until him. I like that I can come home, take my pants off before the front door is shut, kick off my shoes wherever I want and don’t have to make excuses for a mess or unclean dishes or whatever. I’m sure he’s taken sanctuary in many different homes with many different people but I’m good that this is new to me. See, he’s my first there…

I did wake in the middle of the morning sometimes in excruciating pain and reached for a pain pill that was left on my bedside table as a foreshadowing. Then, I seemed to have passed out again and woke sometime late morning. I made my coffee, ate a bowl of granola and worked from home for a bit. But in the interim of my pill coma I seem to remember having a dream about something strange. THE friend and I were camping and we were sitting around this camp fire and he was just talking about his life and I was so ensconced in his stories, his words that I didn’t realize that we were surrounded by shooting stars. It was just the two of us, with his words and shooting stars… WTH does that mean?

That is one thing that I like. I like listening to him when he talks about his family, or history or things he knows. Unfortunately, this communication is always salted with mean comments or shitty things he says but once I get past those things I actually hear not just listen to him. Most of the conversations I have with people are me staring at them intently while making a list of groceries to buy in my head. I’ve learned the subtle art of “Oh Wow!” or “Oh, my God!” intricately placed within someone’s sentences to give the appearance of my attention being paid to them. I suppose that sounds bad but I’ve already said that I don’t have much of an attention span so there’s that.

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk much about him anymore but I feel like I need to paint a better picture than the one I’ve given already and that means touching on the good points of him too. Some days those overwhelm the bad points and on those days I’m happy about our “ship”. He’s strangely been “my first” for a lot of things so he’s important. I do worry that we’ll grow into a rut and I still worry that he’ll take this for granted again and worst of all I’ll worry that he’ll find another, or better second home but until then I can still enjoy him, in (sadly) a none sexual way 🙂

Lastly, on another good note, even though I felt like roadkill today I still got my run in and my exercise. In the past, it’s been easy for me to neglect my exercise and fall off the wagon because I didn’t feel well. That’s how I know this is sticking this time because I need it for my sanity and because it helps in all things. I think I’ll amp things up tomorrow by adding something else.

In closing, I suppose the award goes to THE friend last night. Maybe that’s what he was saying in my dream. Maybe it was his acceptance speech 🙂 or maybe it was my subconscious just having him say nice things to me for an hour. Who the hell knows.

Hope you are all having a great week so far.

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Both The Downside and the Upside of Being Healthier…

I’ve talked about my “paleo journey” before and how I always feel better while eating clean but there’s a few downsides to getting healthier as well. I’ll put up with them but I just want you to know that it’s not all sunshine and Rocky type glory over here.

First, I’m reading The Wild Diet By: Abel James He’s great and I’ve been following him for years but I also downloaded the audiobook because I knew I’d have better luck listen to it in the car. He talks A LOT about getting a healthier sex drive. Um, pretty sure that’s impossible for me. If my sex drive was any healthier I’d probably start humping random men in line at the grocery store buying my pasteurized, farm fresh, organic whatever.

Next, it’s actually a bit more expensive for me. That’s not much of a problem but so many of my friends assume that the only quality time we can spend together is going out to dinner. So, I give in and then I’m left trying to eat 7 pounds of kale and 8 pounds of wild catch salmon in one sitting which defeats the purpose. This means that I have to retrain social time. So, eating out less SHOULD compensate the difference or even save me money.

However, just to be on the safe side, I canceled my kickboxing class which was almost $500.00 a month. That’s a lot right now. I still have my gym membership and when I feel strong enough to go lift like a boss or have someone that can train me then I’ll back to that instead. But I do love my kickboxing and in the interim I have my Wii… Don’t judge me. The Wii is awesome. You can run, do yoga, dance AND kickbox. It is like a little trainer inside a little box.

How crazy do you all think I am now? Well, I know what’s worked for me in the past and I just need the motivation to keep this going forever now instead of the excuse that “Life got in the way”. Guess what? Life is the way. Yeah, seems like a simplistic thing to remember but I seem to forget that a lot.

But I went grocery shopping tonight. Worked out with my Wii. I took a nice relaxing shower and now the rest of the evening is mine, until someone breaks the silence and by someone I mean any one of my friends and because I’m scared of being un-zen’ed I’ve turned off my phone for the night.

The problem with getting healthier is that your friends are usually NOT on the same schedule as me which means they’ll be chugging soda, eating cake and loafing when I’m trying not to do any of those things. You can try to explain your situation but some just don’t get it. That’s why it’s nice to have at least one person in your life that’s kind of on the same path as you. You can eat the same foods, talk about the latest zen thing you’re into and maybe get healthy together.

So this was my early boring post tonight so that I can eat some hummus, strawberries with coconut whip cream and go to bed early… I never say that. Well, I might have said that but it usually NEVER happens. I usually always see the backside of midnight at the earliest. I also have a few things to put in my #jarchallenge. I have no idea why I hashtag that. I promise I’m not an asshole.

Hope you are all having a great week and I promise to not turn into one of those crazy paleo health nut bloggers, not that there’s anything wrong with that but this is more about my dating or lack of a dating life than anything.

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