Helping others follow their dreams…

The other night, out with my ex, he’d confided in me that he was feeling both stagnant and lost. This is a feeling I know all too well, lately. He wasn’t sure what to do. I’d thrown out some suggestions but none of them stuck and they were interrupted by a story he wanted to tell me. During the story it hit me… This guy needed to write a book.

He’s had a very strange life. It’s a life that most people would not have faced and that’s not even up to the part that he almost died in a horrific motorcycle accident. Aside from that he’s got stories of peyote laced days in the desert, outrageous road trip stories and one of his worst which was walking in at four and a half to find his Father dead. He’s lived the life of Kurt Vonnegut meets Earnest Hemingway meets Timothy Leary. It’s the perfect idea for a book… His life.

So after a lot of hesitation and a long night of drinking I’d made him promise that he would write a first chapter before the new year. I told him that if he did then I would shop it to a book publisher that I know. After many nervous texts the next day he reluctantly decided to start. I think once he had pen to paper it just started to flow. He’d texted me later in the day to announce that the first page, possibly the introduction was done and all he had to do was transfer to type.

After lots and lots of me sending the most “I know this will be amazing” supportive texts he sent one final text to tell me that he’d emailed it to me. At that point, on that late Sunday night I was tired, sad and just wanted to sleep. I’d told him that I was so excited to read but it wouldn’t happen till the morning. That was just in case what I read was not something that I had the energy to be fake supportive about.

Finally, I lay down in my bed in my quiet home and with the only light being the iridescence of my phone I pulled up my email. I started to read and knew that I’d made the right decision in pushing him into this. In only a few words I was hooked and wanted more. I couldn’t wait to just keep reading and I found myself smiling and laughing at his words.

As I stated the other night, I would travel the ends of the world to help a friend find and conquer his dreams and my ex is included in that. I saw something in him that he couldn’t see himself and I wont’ let him quit this. My blessing is that he confided in me and I, in repayment, realized he could use my help. That feels like a great day.

I don’t spend much time with people that don’t have some sort of special power to make me want to elevate them to reach their dreams. I’ve certainly never invested my time in anyone that I thought wasn’t worth it. Some need a push, some need a pull and others just need the support of someone standing next to them as they try to do it all by themselves. Those are the things in life that I don’t and won’t regret.

Maybe that should be m calling. I’ll be a life coach and request 1% of their annual salaries once they get to where they want to be. Who am I kidding… I need a life coach and quite possibly a new country to live in by the time this night is over. I can at least give it up for the Political Erection of 2016. It has, at the very least, been entertaining but now we’ll have to live with the decision. I’m also happy that the damn political meme’s will stop being sent on an hourly schedule from friends to my phone.

I was going to do an entire political post a few weeks ago but just realized that I didn’t have the strength. I had the words but none the intention of actually posting it. We’re all sick of the fighting. I think I’ll allow myself one night to get shitfaced because of the outcome and then I’m done worrying about it for a while. I mean, I have four years to worry about it don’t I?

At least I can go to bed tonight knowing that I will help one friend get out of their stuck, lost life. I’m aware of what else would help as well but that I can not do. I can’t even decide to actually date the new guy let alone let an old ex into my life the way he wants to be let in.

One thing at a time. There’s already one ending to something and that’s about all I can handle right now.

index

Advertisements

The New guy, the old guy and the in between…

First disclosure, I’m a bit tipsy… Totally unexpected. Second disclosure, it’s like 2:30/3:30 depending on whether or not you’ve changed your clocks.

This weekend has been chill. Nothing too crazy. I was going to relax knowing that the new guy would be home mid-week this week and I would probably not get much sleep. Last night was dinner with the friend that introduced me to the new guy. He could not stop telling me how much his friend has thanked him for introducing us. You know me, because I’m not a fan of discussing my private life I just smiled each time and moved the conversation somewhere else.

Today I was just going to relax, watch some TV but it ended up going to dinner, then shopping and then on a weird random “hair up my ass” I actually reached out to my ex. The one from months ago. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since he’d profusely professed his love for me but I got a random Facebook message that he missed my face. So, around 9:45, knowing he goes to bed early, I wasn’t sure he’d even respond. I asked what he was doing and blah blah we’d agreed to meet at a dive bar between him and me.

This is weird for a couple reasons. First, I’d said the other day how weird my dreams have been lately well the last one involved him keeping me hostage and THE friend coming and saving me in a truck. I don’t know what that was about but it had me thinking about the ex. Plus, I’m not an asshole and appreciated his honesty always so I truly wanted to see how he was.

I got there and we just started talking and catching up and the conversation flowed. It was good. But there was one point, a lull in the conversation when I checked out like I do so many times. He’d asked what I was thinking about and I said, do you really want to listen? He looked at me like a crazy person and said that regardless of whatever feelings he had he’s a friend first and of course he wanted to listen. I’m not sure at this point if it was the beer or what but I just vomited up some shit that had been floating in my head for a while about everything.

I talked about the new guy, THE friend and the reasons why I didn’t want to be with the ex. I told him things that I never thought I’d tell him and he was amazing. He was angry with me but amazing. He asked how the new guy treats me and I said amazingly. He’s so great. Probably better than I deserve. Then he’d asked how I felt he (the ex) has treated me and I said the same again. Then he’d asked how THE friend treats me and I said, “Absolutely no where close to what I deserve.”

I could see that that made him angry but he kept trying. He then said, then you know what you need to do. You have two great guys that are your friends that you just said were amazing to you why can’t you just leave that one behind that doesn’t.

At that point, I looked at him like a confused dog that just got his favorite toy taken away from it and said, “Because I love him”. I made that statement with such purpose it was as if he should have just known. It took him by surprise because in all the years the ex and I have known each other I’ve never said that to him. But then I got mad and said I know he does shitty things, doesn’t show up, doesn’t communicate, makes an entirely unsecret world of his more important than me or working on things. I know that I should have left a long time ago. I know that he intentionally does things that make me hurt and cry. I know that he treats me with as much faith, trust and love as a stray cat that just shit on his car, at times (way too descriptive there) and I know that deep down in my heart I deserve better and I know that I’ve excused away so many flaws and faults as just that when I knew the whole time that he CAN or COULD do better because he does for others….

In the middle of my angry rant, my ex stopped and said “Then why? Do you know how fucking amazing YOU are… When did this become ok?”. And maybe four or five beers and some shots in I said the most honest thing I could. I said “Because I’m stupid enough to believe that one day he’ll open his mouth and actually say the things that so many other men have no problem saying to me. Because one day I believed that he’d actually be brave and show me what I’ve felt for so long. Because one day I was stupid enough to believe that he’ll actually articulate something that I’ve needed to hear for so long that it will have made all this pain actually worth it.”

Then the ex said that he was happy at least that I knew what I am worth and that those things that I wanted above were just something I’d never get. He wasn’t happy that I’d never get them from THE friend but he was happy that I knew why. I also think that it made things a lot more clear as to why things didn’t worth out between us, (the ex and I). He then took my hand, leaned in and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. All I want to do is take you home and take care of you. Would you come.” I replied and told him that I wasn’t the girl who cried about one boy just to go home with another and forget about my problems for one night. I’m glad I’m not that girl.

We soon changed the topic and talked about other stuff for a couple hours until I found myself out of conversation. Especially out of conversation for something that I shouldn’t care about any more. So, after that and a long voicemail from the new guy I realized that there’s way too many important people in my life that don’t make me cry, don’t forget me, don’t leave me angry for hours because they forgot me and actually articulate the importance of being me.

Did it really just take an ex to tell me that I’m worth so much more than a Sunday night a month of no communication and no respect? Maybe the dream should have gone the other way. Maybe the ex should have been saving me from my prison of pain from THE friend because that’s what it felt like. I think I’m done feeling the fear that if I let him go I’ll never feel the good things again and I think that I am now ready, more than ever, to move on with the new guy. I may be tipsy but I call this a break through. I finally feel a little peace.

Unrequited-love-poems-5-300x300

June Challenge Day 3

1. Exercise – Yes! Even though I came right home and proceeded to take my very long nap, then go shopping, I still made it home in time to do 46 minutes. Sometimes I even surprise myself. In a good way.

2. Water – Yes. Still feeling like I’m swimming but at least I’m getting it in.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one personality trait that you love about yourself and why: I know that it says “one” but I like a lot about my personality. I’m witty, sarcastic, fun, easy going, caring and quirky. Part of it’s in my sign but mostly I just make things up as I go. I also have this weird trait that allows most people to share things with me that they wouldn’t normally share. I’ve had so many strangers tell me the most intimate things. My secrets vault overflows a lot.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What color are you grateful for? Mostly I like blue. It’s my favorite color orchid (obviously). It’s the name of one of my favorite characters from a movie and it’s the color I find most sexy on a man.

5. 30 Day Random Challenge – What’s inside your purse? That’s a scary question. I have lots of lighters, cigarette packs (I’m going to quit I just need the right motivation), pens, stamps, lots of lipsticks, a bottle of water or two, medication… that’s about all I can remember right now but I’m sure there’s much much more.

So, our Friday’s at work are like Monday’s times two. They’re insane in the mornings and tend to taper off a bit but with the rain almost all day I was feeling so lethargic. By the time I got home all I wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and sleep, which I did. But when I woke up hours later I had gotten six texts all asking the question, “Hey what are you doing right now?” My first thought too all of them, coming out of my nap induced coma, was “it’s none of your business eff off”.

I’d decided I’d give myself a few moments to wake up first before replying. Mostly, my replies where, “sorry busy” but the ex had texted and wanted to get together tomorrow. I immediately got this twinge of annoyance. (I know I’m supposed to spend time with him this month) Instead of actually making a plan I said that I was out of town with family. I assumed this give him an explanation that he needed to be scarce for a couple days at least. However, the next text I got was “Can I meet you there?”

In my mind I’m thinking, “Um, WHAT?” So I replied and said no and this back and forth lasted a while longer but it ended when he dropped the “L word”. I quickly shut that conversation down. I’m not sure it’s enough to keep him away for a while but we shall see.

The truth is, part of me is in disbelief that this sweet, sexy, “got it together” guy does have as much love for me as he does AND the fact that he’s not scared to show me or tell me that either is a huge bonus. But it’s a tell tale sign that the moment I see his name pop up on my phone my eyes automatically start to roll. That’s not a good sign. And even though I’ve been completely honest with all my feelings or lack there of but truth is it’s nice to know that someone out there has those feelings whether it be the one I want them from or not.

I like the sexual banter and the flirtation but I know that if there was a good enough reason for me to stop it all completely then I would but until then I just keep avoiding this. I’m not even sure, at this point, if I’m scared of what it COULD lead to or what.

So it’s 2 am and I’m contemplating the dating life, yet again, for an ex that doesn’t give me chills, goose bumps or even make me excited to be around him. He doesn’t offer comfort, safety or passion. What he does offer is predictability, security and possibly the most boring life ever.

I read this article today that when you open up and say you love someone you are also saying that you love their flaws or faults as well. The ex’s flaws or faults annoy me already. There’s nothing to love there. And yet again it leads me back to the fact that I have human A.D.D. and there’s only one person that I love his flaws and faults just as much as him. Well, maybe not AS MUCH as him but I love those things about him too. I’m a lost cause at this point, I think. Oh well… That is my life.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

Blue orchid with buds on a black background

Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

03adb89c15ccb939f3f37c49047fd81b

76122cd833acf5343b71781233a8297a

tumblr_nfrxa3xIdn1sn9t5zo1_1280

Unrequited-love-poems-5-300x300

unrequited-love-quotes-in-spanish

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.

15e236d

20140319-081040

Regrets-1

Regrets-quotes-34971144-503-454

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 5 and today’s thoughts.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining. – We’ll see how this goes after my thoughts.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour pretty late this evening but it feels great to accomplish it.
4. Eat healthy – Check. I even, finally, met up with some friends and still had a healthy dinner out.
5. My strict routine doesn’t really take effect on the weekends even though it should.

So today was a bit of a weird day. One of my nightly rituals is that I read my horoscope for the next day but I can only do this after midnight (a bit of my OCDness). Basically, it said that someone would be extra specially nice to me today for no other reason than just because even though it would seem that they would be about to ask a favor. Even though I don’t take full advice from these horoscopes it still made me be on guard all day. With every single nice thing done I kept wondering, “Is this it?” So by the end of the day I realize just how many people do really nice shit for me all the time and never expect anything. They literally do it because they want to and that’s it. Strange how you realize things like that.

By the end of the day I’d gotten my lunch and dinner paid for. I’d received a very nice piece of jewelry from a friend and I received some cash out of no where. None of this was expected and yet appreciate ten fold. If there’s one lesson that I learned from today, expect nothing and when you do get something it’s a nice surprise.

On the boss front though, after he’d texted some drunk texts to me last night about how upset he was, I’d decided to spin some thoughts into some words that formed an email to him. Since I know both him and his girlfriend enough, I wrote the email from his point of view because she had overly expressed her opinion enough to him. I’d basically said all the things that I though he SHOULD tell her, but in a form that wasn’t as bitter or angry as he was at that very moment. I texted him to check his email assuming that he paraphrase or at the bare minimum use it for some inspiration.

When he came into work today, I’d asked him about the email that I’d sent him and he laughed. He then admitted that he just out right plagiarized my entire thought process by copying and pasting into his own email and sending it to her. I laughed because if she does know him as well as she should she’d know most of those words or explanations of emotions didn’t come from his own fingers plucking at the keyboard but rather his highly intelligent and beautiful wordsmith of an employee.

There was a small bit of me that assumed he might do that last night and either way I’m fine with it because it’s brought them to a better place. For me, this seems to be the adage about “those that can’t do teach”. Well, in this scenario, “Those who don’t date, teach”. I’m happy either way if they work things out.

Another thing that I noticed today is that once I started saying, “No” to a lot of things because my plate is too full right now I started feeling so much better. I can’t be all things to everyone and I can’t do everything for everyone that asks therefore I realized today that it’s ok to say No. The best part here is that I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought I would but I realized after stressing myself out so much yesterday that I made myself physically sick, there had to be a breaking point. Well, it turned into more of a break-through point.

After all the kindness I received today for no reason what-so-ever, after the break-through that it’s ok to say no to people and after realizing that I can’t control the world or at least I don’t have to, I am in a good mood tonight and will be able to have a nice weekend. I will be able to have a controlled, relaxed weekend which is even nicer.

There was a thought I’d had last night though that I hadn’t thought for a while. While I was an on-looker to my boss’s emotional meltdown yesterday I’d received a text from my ex who had randomly gone to New York for his job. He knows the love New York and sent me pictures all day of things all around. The last one I got was the beautiful skyline at night with a message, “Knowing that these pictures make you happy is the second best thing that I could do right before I sleep. The first would be lying next to you in this city. Good night, sleep fast and sweet dreams beautiful xx.” I give the man an A for trying so hard and it’s nice to have someone that does and says such nice things.

I was reading these and this random thought appeared to me. I was alone at the time but I wasn’t lonely. A few hours later, while I was laying in bed is when the thought came to me that that’s when I become lonely. When I’m laying in bed alone. It reminded me of this line in the HBO show Vinyl, which is awesome by the way, but Olivia Wilde’s character say’s “I’m so lonely it’s pathetic”. For some reason that line rang true to me when she said it so much it almost hurt but then I realized that I truly felt that way right before I sleep.

That’s a sad thought to me but I realize that I don’t have to feel that way. I could, realistically, jump on a plane and be in New York and not be alone or lonely lying next to someone who truly loves me and cares for me much more than I’ll ever reciprocate. But that’s the problem though. While he makes me feel loved and cared for, he doesn’t make me feel safe or comfortable. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone else that does. I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter but obviously it does. Somewhere along the way of this blog being about my dating life, it’s turned into something about a story about a boy and a girl that will never have a happy ending and she can’t seem to find someone to replace him with and he doesn’t care because everyone else and everything else is so much more important to him than she is. That’s a pretty sad reality.

Regardless of those final thoughts this was still a good day. I’m going to go watch some crappy TV and fall asleep on the couch because for some reason it feels a bit less lonely. Hope you all have a great weekend.
tumblr_o2nyv4oYCw1qav5oho1_500

Variety is the spice of life… and I am all out of spice.

My life is currently so routine that there is no spice left in it what-so-ever. We’ve all heard the phrase “Variety is the spice of life” right? I feel like the blandest dish, in the blandest restaurant, in the blandest town right now. Weekdays are as follows:
Wake up (hopefully)
Makeup/Dress
Grab breakfast
Work (fight with boss)
Home
Workout
Shower or bath
Chat
Write
Maybe dinner
Sleep

My weekends are the same bars, the same restaurants, the same clubs…. Just everything the same. I realize that my life gets chaotic when I don’t have some sort of routine but where is the spontaneity? Where is the surprise? Where is my spice? If I don’t do something new soon I’m going to run away so some far off land. This is getting ridiculous.

I was so bored working today that I decided to check out the process of getting “frozen popped” like my friend just did. I want a child anyway and if the right man isn’t going to just show up in my completely boring life then maybe my next step is to just make it happen. I checked out the cost, which (thankfully) wouldn’t be an issue. I checked out the process. Now, I realize that this decision wouldn’t be made out of boredom but rather the fact that this is a part of my life that I’m missing and I am at the point where I could make this possible.

So, as I’m thinking of all this today, I was thinking about the fact that I could just go to my ex and ask him to “donate” because he’d be more than willing to do this. He’s intelligent, very attractive and has good genes. Yes, he’s a bit crazy but in my opinion I think most people have a little crazy in them. The problem here is that while it would save me thousands of dollars, he’d want to be part of the child’s life. I can’t take that much of him so it wouldn’t be fair to ask him. I’ve said before that there’s not too many people that I can actually stand for long periods of time. That’s sad right?

Things in my life usually happen when they’re not expect and therefore me planning anything is just a waste of time. But I did finalize my thought about getting “frozen popped”. I’d decided that if I did get it from my ex and save that money then I’d go in with the boss’s millionaire friend and start a non-profit business. It all turned out perfect in my head until I realized that I didn’t actually want to have HIS kid. Wow, my brain goes crazy and wanders off in so many directions lately. Yet another by-product of being bored.

I did actually reach out to the ex the other day though. When we were dating he was mesmerized by Prince. He was his idol in some weird way. But a lot of my memories of us was sitting in the back of his car in the rain listening to Prince for hours. We’d make-out or he’d read to me or he’d just sit there with his head in my lap. We had such an age difference back then. Now, it doesn’t seem like anything but when you’re a kid it seemed like we should have been worlds apart but in those moments we were equal. I’ve said before that I was mesmerized by him as well. I never loved him but I was so intrigued by him. He looked like Johnny Depp from 21 Jumpstreet, had this long brown hair and was just a beautiful man. He was stunning to look at but I think I knew back then that my fascination with him would fade which it did.

For the longest time I never understood why he wanted to be with me. I was a kid but decades later he reveled that he thought I was the most mature, mysterious and fun person. He thought that I was smart and beautiful beyond my years and even though I was always ready to stand in the rain and get wet, even in a pretty gown he’d always thought I was a princess. Then he recalled our first kiss, which I didn’t remember until he shook my mind a bit.

He had dated my (at the time) best friends old sister. They hadn’t seen each other in years. My best friend, her sister and I were at a 24 cafe down the street from where we lived. He was there, sitting in the corner, reading. My instant reaction was that his looks almost took my breath away but then I was too ensconced into whatever silly thing we were doing at the time. The older sister and he started chatting and we had all decided to go back to her house. My best friend and I were chasing each other down the street at 2 am on a school night and he and the older sister were sitting on the porch watching us and smoking.

At around 4, I’d decided to venture back home. I started my walking route as it was just down the street but quietly behind me was his hatchback. When I stopped to ask him if he was lost he’d said no but he wanted to make sure that I got home safely and because I’d declined his offer to drive me home he was just going to follow me. This was way before the cell phone era and I wouldn’t have been able to send him a HS&S (home safe and sound) text, that I do to my friends now. I’d decided to just get in the car and let him drive me as it seemed less creepy that way. And so it started. We’d gotten to my house about 3 minutes later and just sat in the car and talked like I’d never talked with anyone before. Hours passed and I realized that my nemesis, the sun, would be up soon and I bid farewell to my new strange friend but just before I left the car he leaned in a kissed me like I’d never been kissed before.

I’d left the car that night with butterflies the size of large tigers in the pit of my stomach and that start a three year affair. For the next three years we saw each other every single day. He’d pick me up from work or school. He’d spend the night at my house. When the weekends came hours turned into days of being with each other and his strangeness just made me more intrigued by him. But then one day, on his birthday, he was sitting next to me in the back of our friends car and I looked at him looking at his own reflection in the car window and realized that I felt nothing. There was literally no emotion left. The next day became the first day that I would decline to spend time with him and days then turned to weeks which turned into years.

I’d thought about him in passing through the years but even with that beginning he never made the “love of my life” list because I never loved him and certainly was never in love with him. I feel weird to know that he still keeps a lock of my hair, still has all my cards and has written poetry about me over the years.

Love is a strange thing to me. It both pains and confuses me that we can’t choose who we fall in love with. This is also the view of someone who is completely self-diagnosed as an emotionally immature person. I have some great and wonderful spontaneous memories of our time together though and I get to cherish those. Unfortunately, for him, they will choose to stay memories and not a foreshadowing into a future which is why the better option is to fork out 10 grand on someone that I don’t knows “frozen matter” is the better decision. But who knows, maybe I’ll get drunk this weekend, go into the same bar or club or restaurant and go home with a one night stand that turns into an eighteen year commitment.

…and these are the thoughts of someone that can not get bored or they start to think weird and crazy things.

tumblr_nfv3reYFX41tmtqxdo1_500