Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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The Power of Fear… And Other Feelings.

Today was a long and stressful day. I drove all day just to end up among drunk sweaty men. My first drive had me going to a job I’d had 20 years ago. Yep, I’d started working at a bank before my current boss poached me from there. There are very few people that I know that still work there but there was one. He’s a nice, bland boy that used to take me to expensive stuffy bars after work. He was a lot cuter back then but hey, we’ve all aged.

We spoke for a while today while he was showing me his wife and new baby. During this playbill of his life he’d admitted to me that he really wanted to date me back then. So, hearing this enough made me ask the only question I could, “Why didn’t you ask?” So these were his three reasons: 1.) You made it pretty clear you wanted to stay in the “friendzone”. 2.) I was afraid because you’re intimidating and 3.) I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

So, this is not the first time I’ve heard those responses either but obviously it got me thinking. 1.) I’m sure I made it pretty clear but you never tried anything either so I never knew you wanted to. 2.) I’m intimidating? WTF… 95% of the time I feel like like is intimidating, getting out of bed is but I do it anyway. Am I really that intimidating? Maybe, I can come across as a cold heart bitch. It’s true. How do I change that? Should I? 3.) You didn’t want to ruin the friendship? But what if it was supposed to grow? To be better? You’ll never know.

And why will he never know? Because of fear. You can always come up with reasons WHY you shouldn’t do something but it frustrates me when someone that I care about doesn’t do something because of fear. I want to turn all those people into Superman and have them realize that it’s the “not doing it” that will eat at you forever. What if you were just one fear away from happiness? Fear will not comfort you in times of trouble, pain or sadness. Fear doesn’t care to hug you before you leave or kiss you on the forehead when you walk through the door and lastly, fear doesn’t give it a shit if you’re unhappy. So, I say, Fuck Fear!

I’m tired of hearing those words after years. I guess, somehow, it says more about me than them if it keeps happening. Some of them genuinely regret never having told me. But I’m a firm believe in the here and now so maybe they were all supposed to have held it in so that I could be in this strange, weird, lonely place that I’m in right now. I don’t blame their fear on where I am now. I’m saying that by destiny they weren’t supposed to have told me so I could be here right now.

The friendzone thing though? That’s such crap. One of my longest relationship was nine months being friends, three years dating and now we’re even better friends than before. Another one was a five year friendship with two years dating after that. We’re still great friends now. Hell, I’m even one of his kids Godmothers. I think some of the best things start out as friendships but they are meant to blossom IF you overcome your fears. Think about it, you’re already comfortable, you know each other, you tell your secrets too (well some do) and it’s based off friendship, not sex, not obligation, but you choose to be with that person and spend you’re time with them.

I don’t know. He just got me mad because he’ll never know what could have happened. Imagine, if one of those “Shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” had worked out I probably wouldn’t be writing my lack of a love life right now. I’d be off living a life that was worth writing about. And I don’t think I’d have been having the really weird dreams I’m having again. This last one took place in New Orleans. I don’t know why. I haven’t been there for years. I want to go back, not during Mardi Gras but haven’t. It was a strange one that also involved and Angel, one that I’ve met in my dreams before but never in real life. My life is weird.

I was supposed to go back out to go back out to a St. Patrick’s Day festival that my ex was at and help him tonight but I decided that I just didn’t want to. I’d been down there this morning because people were already lined up at 5am to get drunk and none of it was appealing to me. I’d rather save my soul for a few nights and completely obliterate it over the weekend instead so I might just be back to normal by Monday.

So that’s where my head is at right now. I’m going to go color and light candles… Or do something less productive for my soul. I’d actually like to take a long, hot bath right now but I can’t get past the fact my bathroom is so gross. Anyway, I hope you are having a great week and do something fearless this week. Don’t turn a fear into a regret later.

I’m going cheesy on the quotes because I felt these the most. Take note. Learn and love without fear.

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When the Truth Is Too Truthful… A first hand experience.

Today was a day that I got up way too early and did way too much way too fast. I went to bed last night around 3/4 am and was up at 7/8. That doesn’t happen to me much at all. I had two long conversations about shit I don’t even remember now with my BFF and GBF. Then I finished off the night with some of my favorite TV watching.

It’s not only the shows that make it my favorite but the company and also the fact that it’s the only night of the week when I am not doing thirty different things and really paying attention to what I watch. But tonight went a little different because there was something weighing on my mind. I guess it’s been there for a while now but I haven’t really had the thought process to get it out on here or on paper.

It’s a favor. That’s the bottom line. It’s a friend that asked a favor which would normally be no big deal right? Except this friend THE friend is different. How do you convey that the favor isn’t a big deal, you’ll probably never be happy about it but the only reason you continue to do it is because of the “feelings you have for them” and a few other reasons which seem insignificant at the time. When he asks “What will make it ok?” and your only answer that will truly make you happy about doing the favor is the false sense of there being a future, something that will never happen and yet the only thing that would make it ok. That’s a bitch right?

The truth is a bitch. Reality is a bitch. And so I become a bitch. Well, not so much a bitch but I shut down. It’s not his words, his actions or the favor that shuts me down tonight. It’s the realization as to why I’m doing the favor and what the answer is and knowing that the question will always be unanswered, well answered but not with the outcome as to what’s wanted.

Truth is here, it gets tougher because every single good and decent action or word is something that I can check off my checklist of things that I want or need. That’s the hard part. Cooking – check, cleaning – check, telling stories and history and expanding my knowledge – check, making me feel safe and comfortable – check, making it into my #jarchallenge – check, knowing me or things about me that I inadvertently share – check.

So basically what’s going on here is that with each passing day or time we spend together he’s flaming an ash of a fire that should have never been burning to begin with. He’s doing this “push and pull game” without even knowing it or he knows it and is just a jerk. One day he’s sweet and says the right things but he’s doing the wrong this. The next day he’s saying the wrong things and doing the right things. It’s like a game to see just how long I’ll keep taking the bait.

I read this article the other day about the increasing number of open relationships. I wonder if I’d have to give a disclaimer to anyone I date from now on. The disclaimer would read… “Ready to have a relationship but be warned, you will have to share me with someone else. My body would be yours however my heart belongs to someone who doesn’t treat it well and doesn’t want it. My mind will be half yours only when you don’t do something that reminds me of him. Good Luck. You’ll need it.” I guess it’s a good thing that I’m open to open relationships.

I think he thinks that my reasons for not wanting to do this favor are insignificant and silly. I wonder how he’d feel if he ever knew the truth? I’m sure he’d either roll his eyes or say something rude. Apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t think my feelings for him are a joke. Most days they feel like a punishment only for the lack of reciprocation. On the few days that nothing goes wrong I’m at peace with them. Tonight, they feel like a burden but a strangely comforting burden. If that even makes sense. Tonight, I’ll just go to sleep thinking about what would make me happy. At least, in my dreams, I’m able to get my happy ending.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

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The Tale of Two Men… My Day Today.

I woke up early but exhausted. I don’t know why. I didn’t go to bed late but it might have been the one drink. I told you I’m a lightweight. I threw on some clothes that were clean enough and painted my face, after throwing my hair into a messy tail. I knew I’d have to leave early enough to get a very large coffee that was overpriced because the Folgers just wasn’t going to cut it today.

I arrived at the office with large coffee and breakfast in hand, decided I’d actually open the blinds this morning to let in some semblance of sunshine even though the true light didn’t shine through till the afternoon. Then I sat in my comfy leather worker bee chair and commenced to work. After about an hour, I got a phone call from one of my bosses friends who also happens to be a millionaire investor. He’d asked if he could come by and get some stuff notarized and printed and faxed. He’s a much older gentleman who finds no need for the technology of present day until he does.

When he showed up about 1.5 minutes later (apparently assuming that I would already have been there when he called) he pulls up in this tiny little Honda. This is not a man that fits his car. He excitedly got out and walked over to me, already outside. He immediately started cracking jokes at his expense about Rogaine and Viagra. After his comedy hour had stopped I asked him why he drove such a modest car. Not that it matters but I’m a girl who likes cars and was just curious. He said he’d done the Rolls and the Jag and was just trying to live more simplistically. I can understand and respect that.

I think a lot of his money came from inheritance and from some work that he did in his prime but it’s nice to see that not all the “other half” or the “2%” of the world don’t all have an “in your face” attitude about their money. But we had a nice conversation about different things and then I asked if he was interested in getting into some non-profit type of thing. So, we have an appointment for lunch next week where we can discuss setting up a charity or something. I’m going to have to think about what it is that I want to do first. That’s my dream job.

Which brings me to my current job. I’ve been here for seventeen years and have known one of the owners for 20 years. He likes to say that I’m his sister and I like to say that he’s an asshole. He’s a middle-aged man who thinks he’s a rockstar. We have a very different relationship because I don’t sugarcoat things to him and he lets me get away with quite a bit. Is it equal? Absolutely not, but that’s something that he’ll never see because he’s a control freak, has A.D.D., and is a narcissist. Apparently, I attract a certain type of man in my life but however it’s explained we don’t have a normal Boss/Employee relationship.

He’s been at his worst lately, though. I knew something was wrong but it didn’t concern me so I just was my bitchy self to him and he barely showed up to work. He’d be too drunk from the night before to even answer an email, text or pick up the phone and it was just pissing me and the rest of his employees off. Today, though, we’d started talking about his cousin’s wedding. A wedding that I was supposed to attend but was not feeling well so I couldn’t. I’d asked if he brought his girlfriend and I could kind of see the story on his face already.

They met years ago, my boss and his girlfriend. They were both still married to others at the time with children. Obviously, this led to both of them getting divorces but only in the last few years did that happen. My boss is the type of guy that likes to have his cake and eat it too and being that he was a control freak, he wanted his marriage of convenience and his girl on this side. But that didn’t happen. He went through a huge bit of depression. He had to and still has to deal with his ex-wife’s anger towards him. But after a while he was ready to have the girlfriend move here. She lived in another city about four hours away.

She did move here but instead of the promised, readily available home he’d promised her he asked that she move in to an apartment until his kids had time to adjust. She’s a petite woman in her mid 40’s. She’s very attractive but I’m sure she doesn’t believe it. She doesn’t appear to be that self-aware. We’ve spoken on a few occasions and it left me with the impression that she’s a natural nurturer but that has the tendency to take a backseat to all others in her life. She’s a giver, giver, giver until she breaks. Well, I think she broke.

So, as we sat in my bosses office this morning, he explained that she was moving back to her previous home, didn’t want to talk to or see him anymore and was just over everything. This, I understand. I felt this instant sympathy pain for her because I both knew what she was dealing with as far as he’s concerned (I have know him for 20 years) but also because it reminded me so much of the friendship that THE friend and I have.

To give, give and give to someone who is so focused on themselves and all they can do it take, take, take. To give up so much control as to how things are. To never use the word “no” because it sounds like such an ugly four letter word to them. I understand what it’s like to give until you break. The only differences between her and I are that I’m a strong female who never broke. While it felt or feels as though I’m being ripped in half some days I’ve never fully broken. The second similarity is that I’ve been through this and know what I needed/need and can at the very least pass that knowledge on. So, I did.

I talked a lot about things he could do, say or show her that would help. I told him to write her an actual hand written letter, to get on his knees and be as emotionally vulnerably honest as he could be right in front of her. I explained to him that women don’t remember dates and times. We remember moments and actions. 

For the next hour, my boss sat there and listened to me, only to get shh’ed each time he tried to interject anything. I told him that he was selfish, narcissistic, a control freak and he takes anger, sadness and frustration out on those closest to him because he assumes that they’ll always be there. I explained in detail that he is constantly taking people for granted and that to “on-lookers” it’s as though they become disposable in his eyes. I went on to explain that him trying to control everything was impossible and that he needed to take care of and focus on changing his entire life if he ever wanted to be happy.

After about 45 minutes of this, I could see that things were starting to hit him hard and for the first time in 20 years he looked like how he actually felt inside. With total honesty he looked at me and said he agreed with every single thing I was saying and that he is totally in love with her and scared to death of losing her. Then I saw it. The tear which then turned in to two tears and at the end of this unplanned “intervention” there was a broken, hurting, scared boy but for the first time in a long time he was human to me. His truth and his tears made me realize just how vulnerable he was and just how much I’d hit home with him.

My intent was never to make him cry or to make him hurt. My intention was to make him see and understand her side and how she feels and just how bad she must feel to just up and leave when she is truly and completely in love with him as well. My intent was to use what I have or what I go through as a lesson. If my pain or feeling like I’m being taken for granted or anything that I’ve gone through can help someone else then I’m ok with that. Or at least I can be better at being ok about it.

I don’t live in a world where I have normal relationships. It’s just that simple. I’m not sad about that or I’m just used to that. I don’t even know anymore. I know that my run after work and after grocery shopping was needed more than ever. And because feeling like you’re unappreciated is probably one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt, I reached out to his girlfriend. I asked her to have dinner with me before she leaves and she said she would love to. I’ll see what I can do because I think those two are actually right for each other. They are ying and yang. I know what that feels like as well. 

The other side of the token is this though. During my run, my meditation, I started thinking about his side of things because that’s the curse of being an empathetic person. You get to feel it from both sides… That sucks. But I texted him after and said that I wasn’t going to apologize for being truthful with him but that I was sorry he was hurting. That’s the truth. I also finished off the text with a nice, “But I’m doing this because I care. Stupid asshole”. His response was “Thank you, I love you like my own”. To which he will never see a reply because that shits just getting too real and too emotional now.

So now, after all of that and my BFF going into a multiple sclerosis relapse, I am just emotionally drained. Remember the other night, when I posted something about screaming, “SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME FOR ONCE!” Yeah, I think I’m silently screaming that now. I’m pretty sure I was also complaining about being bored too. When I do, remind me of days like today and tell me to shut the eff up… Okay?

So that is my life right now. Never normal. Never perfect. So, my tales of two men today: One who has the power to put me in the position to have my dream job and the second who gets to learn the error of his ways from his employee who gets to do it all while calling him an asshole. Now I’m off to soak in the tub, to read and to do yoga… Just kidding. I’m going to spot clean, watch crappy TV and fall asleep exhausted after watching some porn on my iPad.

I hope you all enjoy your evenings.

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And The Award Goes To…

Yep, I watched the Oscars and as I said the other night this will be the year that I’ve watched a lot of the movies that had been nominated. I was happy about that although there’s a few others that I want to see now. Ah, the movies. Life’s little pleasure that takes us out of our own life for just a moment and makes us become voyeurs to another. Sometimes these other lives are better and sometimes not.

That was also a “million dollar question”. What movie would you want to be in instead of your own life? I’m sure my answer back then was probably some Zalman King movie and catch me on a good day and it still would be but as far as a regular movie? I have no idea. I think, right now I’m stuck in between ‘Just Friends’ and the ‘Sweetest Thing’.

Now, speaking of ‘Just Friends’, I watched the award show with THE Friend and shockingly, don’t really have much to complain about. In fact, it reminded me a bit of the times that I’d been missing with the fun and playfulness. He even stayed over but not in that way. He slept on the couch which would not have been my first choice but it’s the only choice in his mind I suppose. If we can stay that way, not get into any ruts, big arguments and he can just be a bit less obvious with his blatant attempts to keep us in the friend-zone forever then I’ll be fine. I’ve always said that I know what we are, well, as far as “that” is concerned.

I liked the fact that while I was sleeping he was going about his morning very comfortably. I like that he feels that he can call this a second home if needed and I won’t even harp on the not picking up after himself. Truth is, I don’t actually mind that much as it’s kind of training for when I actually live with someone.

See, that’s a difference between he and I. He’s lived with a crapload of people, dating or roommates but I haven’t. My space is sacred and has always been until him. I like that I can come home, take my pants off before the front door is shut, kick off my shoes wherever I want and don’t have to make excuses for a mess or unclean dishes or whatever. I’m sure he’s taken sanctuary in many different homes with many different people but I’m good that this is new to me. See, he’s my first there…

I did wake in the middle of the morning sometimes in excruciating pain and reached for a pain pill that was left on my bedside table as a foreshadowing. Then, I seemed to have passed out again and woke sometime late morning. I made my coffee, ate a bowl of granola and worked from home for a bit. But in the interim of my pill coma I seem to remember having a dream about something strange. THE friend and I were camping and we were sitting around this camp fire and he was just talking about his life and I was so ensconced in his stories, his words that I didn’t realize that we were surrounded by shooting stars. It was just the two of us, with his words and shooting stars… WTH does that mean?

That is one thing that I like. I like listening to him when he talks about his family, or history or things he knows. Unfortunately, this communication is always salted with mean comments or shitty things he says but once I get past those things I actually hear not just listen to him. Most of the conversations I have with people are me staring at them intently while making a list of groceries to buy in my head. I’ve learned the subtle art of “Oh Wow!” or “Oh, my God!” intricately placed within someone’s sentences to give the appearance of my attention being paid to them. I suppose that sounds bad but I’ve already said that I don’t have much of an attention span so there’s that.

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk much about him anymore but I feel like I need to paint a better picture than the one I’ve given already and that means touching on the good points of him too. Some days those overwhelm the bad points and on those days I’m happy about our “ship”. He’s strangely been “my first” for a lot of things so he’s important. I do worry that we’ll grow into a rut and I still worry that he’ll take this for granted again and worst of all I’ll worry that he’ll find another, or better second home but until then I can still enjoy him, in (sadly) a none sexual way 🙂

Lastly, on another good note, even though I felt like roadkill today I still got my run in and my exercise. In the past, it’s been easy for me to neglect my exercise and fall off the wagon because I didn’t feel well. That’s how I know this is sticking this time because I need it for my sanity and because it helps in all things. I think I’ll amp things up tomorrow by adding something else.

In closing, I suppose the award goes to THE friend last night. Maybe that’s what he was saying in my dream. Maybe it was his acceptance speech 🙂 or maybe it was my subconscious just having him say nice things to me for an hour. Who the hell knows.

Hope you are all having a great week so far.

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Strange Dreams and Good Moods…

I woke up from the strangest dream this morning but it left me with a sense of calm. I was in a, shockingly, great mood this morning… and then I got to work. Work has always been stressful for me for many reason but mostly because of one employee. He must have had his mouth taped shut when he was a child because he makes up for it now and I am highly sensitive to noise so we don’t mix.

I never used to be sensitive to noise but I had an obnoxious upstairs couple living here a few years ago. They fought, broke things, beat on the wall and screamed at each other. This went on for such a long time. Police were called, management received numerous complaints from everyone and finally they were moved across the complex and then kicked out completely.

That was a bad time for me. I’d never had anxiety in my life but all of a sudden noises, loud bangs and screaming started putting me into a cold sweat. I’d feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and I starting taking someone else’s drugs (prescription) to calm me down while I was at home. I actually think I started dating someone at that time just so I wouldn’t have to be home as much. I never realized how bad it had gotten until they moved. I, suddenly, felt this rush of calm, serenity.

But anyway, parts of this had lingered. Now, when this employee, who can’t shut the eff up, starts talking I find myself turning up the music, going outside or screaming in my head. I can’t describe how annoying it is but there’s been talk of driving him out to a pasture and leaving him there, or pushing him off a cliff (by others). I’ve never been a fan of screaming anyway but after the neighbor experience and the coworker, I have found it a nice change to listen to quiet sometimes. It helps decompress.

When I got to work this morning, still in my good mood, I found that he would be out most of the day. While I thought my good mood wouldn’t last, I held on to it for a few moments longer and then it just stayed all day. I’m not sure if it was the dream or if some of my happiness is coming back but whatever the reason I’ll take it. I’m looking forward to another short week and a lazy day on Friday. No plans and I want to keep it that way. I’ll celebrate the midnight but after that I’ll be quite happy to stay in bed and watch movies all day but this time it’s not an escape. It’s just relaxation. I’ll have my New Year Good Luck soup on the stove and I’ll be content to just be. Craziness can start all over again on Saturday, if it must but until then I choose quiet. The New Year never really starts until the 2nd anyway 🙂

What’s your favorite sound? Sometimes mine is quiet, sometimes it’s music and sometimes it’s someone’s voice or laugh.

That’s my random thoughts or story for today. Hope you all had a great day.

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Peace-sm