Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.


Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.


I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.


The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.


The end to the weekend I should have expected…

I don’t know why I still assume that we’ll still this relationship… THE friend and I. I wish I knew the trick to stop being disappointed by his lack of concern about this ship. If someone out there knows the secret please I beg you to tell me how not to give a fuck anymore. It’s not even fair that I’m not there yet and he’s probably been there for, oh, three years or just under.

I’m pissed and hurt and this should not be unexpected at all. Fuck this… I refuse to be the only one that gives a damn anymore. I’m so mad at myself for putting myself in this damn place every single time. I put myself out there and get hurt every single time. Every single time, Sundays basically end with me crying and realizing that this is a hopeless cause. We are a hopeless cause.

There’s never been a “we” or an “us” anyway. Just another thing that I’ve been delusional about. I’m so damn tired. I was having a great day seeing friends and playing with their little baby and I knew that I should have just not expect a thing about tonight. If two completely truthful texts hadn’t been answered with even a fucking peep why would tonight be any different. At one point I did say shrew this and went out and had dinner with friends but then I just couldn’t take it.

I couldn’t sit there and take the mediocrity of the conversation while I knew that he was intentionally breaking my heart over and over again because he could. It’s sad that no matter how joyous the day was the night makes me feel like absolute utter shit for believing that this is something it’s not. For believing that he is someone that he’s not. For believing that we are/were something that we’re not and have never been. I pray that one day someone tells me what the fuck I did to have to go through this.

I don’t know how many times that life proves to me that I don’t mean a damn thing to him for me to believe it but I get it…. Right now. In this moment I get it totally and completely. Thanks again for showing me just how stupid I’ve been this entire time. Thanks for proving yet again just how fucking unimportant this is. I hope she or it was worth it.

I. Don’t. Deserve. This.


Exhaustion and a loss of anger… (edited version)

Have you ever noticed that when you love someone or care a great deal that you argue with passion? Maybe not always with passion but you argue because it’s important to share feelings with that person. Well, it’s not a good sign that I’m no Longer willing to argue with THE friend.

I’m not sure why he does things that he knows piss me off. Maybe he wants me to get mad and eventually hate him. Maybe he’s just totally selfish and just doesn’t give a shit. Either way it’s all signs of immature disrespect in my opinion.

In the past, distant memories have kept me in his life but those memories fade and the crap that he dishes out to me is no longer smaller than those recollections. I’m just a truncated stop on the tour of his life anyway but the difference now is that I’m not sure I care.

I don’t have the energy left To keep doing something that’s just upsetting. Which is appropriate since he’s never had the energy to care. I’d assume that this would be a friendship that he’d mourn once it was gone but now I realize that it really doesn’t matter to him. He’ll just fill this position with some other girl and then another and another.

Memories usually save relationships but memories need to be brought about by something material. We have no pictures together. He’s never given me anything. He’s the one person in my life that’s never given me one thing that I can keep and treasure and be reminded of good times we’ve shared. Which are so few and far between now it doesn’t even matter.

I’d ask why I put up with this but I don’t need to much longer. This whole thing will be a distant memory. The saddest fact is that he doesn’t even understand anything past his own situation. Because he doesn’t try. I am happy with the knowledge that I would have helped him, prayed for him and given him anything. All he had to do was realize that I was actually more than a bus stop.


For some reason, since I posted this and since I’m doing something mundane I’m thinking about this a lot. I don’t want to. I want to give this “friendship” the smallest amount of attention that he does but it’s just really bothering me. I have always asked so little of him, if anything at all. He can’t even do the smallest little things. I hope he understands that just because he does something “out of the ordinary” or something so small for appreciation it will not mean that I think he feels something that he doesn’t. I’d say that ship has sailed but that ship was never even in the dock.

I’m also, still, looking at this entire situation from both our eyes and all I can think of is that if someone treated him, the way he treats me, he would NEVER put up with this. That’s the bottom line. And while he spends all our “quality time” on social media flirting with the next woman in his life I’m worried about his well being or trying to help him in some way or sitting right next to him feeling like an invisible piece of shit.

While he makes me feel like that invisible piece of shit, I’m fully aware that that is not who I am. I’d pray that he realizes how important I am or how awesome I am one day but that seems like such a hard accomplishment. With all the good things that are going on in my life right now and this is the one thing that I choose to write about is upsetting.

I spent time with my ex on Friday and we had a great time. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other. He cooked my favorite meal. He was interested in all I had to say and asked my opinion on some important issues in life and he, once again, made the offer that I fear I’m just getting to weak to ignore.

There’s a man that’s willing to give me everything that I’ve ever wanted but all I can muster the strength to write about is the man that’s never given me a thing except a reason to cry. How sad is that? How effed up is that?

It appears that I’m in need of more meditation where I think of nothing. I keep praying for God to “fix” or “end” this relationship but it appears that this is a one way line of communication… because neither of those things are happening right now. I’d be just as happy if it could be fixed. It’s broken and I’m not even sure that THE friend cares enough to notice.


When it’s time to stop loving…

Great title right? It doesn’t mean that this is a negative post. My thoughts start with last night. I cried while passing out for my slumber before the work week started. I couldn’t stop it. The moment I would close my eyes the tears would just stream. I guess it might have been a much needed cathartic cry. It seemed to stem from the fact that a boy can either be clueless or calious. 

I’ve been blessed in my life to, never before, have the love I offer be rejected. In fact, just the opposite. Most people ask for more of it from me which I’ve not been able or willing to give. Even with the first man I ever loved, he wanted more and I couldn’t do it. Now, in my life, I have more to give to one person but that person doesn’t want it. In fact, he completely rejects it to the point of ignorance. 

In the midst of having a conversation with him that included his future plans and hearing that part of them including finding “the one” just hurt. I found mine, at his lowest point and he will be looking for “her” when he’s on his way to a better place. It feels like a slap in the face but logically I know you can’t make someone love you. I know that if I was in the same place with us as he was this wouldn’t bother me but I’m not and I’m not sure I ever will be if he stays in my life. 

Honestly, I never should have read that email back in January. I should have stayed away but I didn’t because I was so afraid of never feeling this way again but I never gave myself time to heal. You can’t get over someone when they’re right in front of you but I know the moment I get over my feelings I’ll be done with every single favor because there’s no equality in our relationship. 

So what does all this mean? It means it’s time for me to go, move on entirely and just go cold turkey. No favors, no Sunday’s and nothing. For so long my excuse has been that I’m helping him and that as long as he was ok or getting better then I was ok but the truth is that’s a lie. I’ve been lying to myself because of stupid emotions. It’s now become way too painful and I realize that it’s hurting me too much to continue helping him. It’s not fair to me and hasn’t been for a very long time. 

So it’s now time to break away and try to heal because I can not allow him to, either cluelessly or caliously, break me. 

Today is day one of trying to fix ME! And no one else for a while. 


27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.




Final weekend of nothing…

Strangely, having a weekend pretty much all to myself has actually caused me to make a lot of hard decisions. Decisions that I’ve been wrestling with for a while now. So here is what I have decided…

I will no longer be giving to those who haven’t reciprocated.
I will no longer “try” to keep friendships that have much more gains for the other person than for me.
I will be around positive people that have goals and incentive to get to a better place than where they are.
I will no longer be a sucker to my emotions. I’m done.
I’m done with putting my heart on my sleeve and getting it slapped off each time.
I’m done with people or use, manipulate and lie or hurt others because they are hurting themselves.
I’m done not feeling “good enough”.
I’m done crying. No more tears will be shed over shit that only mattered to me.
I’m done with people that don’t have compassion or empathy.
I’m done with anger and other emotions that aren’t helpful.
I’m done sticking around this hell hole with people that are dragging me down.

I knew it would all come to this one day and for some reason today just proved it. When the love turns to anger and the anger turns to apathy… That’s when there’s nothing left. I’m getting the fuck out of his town when my lease is up. I’m done spending money on anything that’s not an absolute necessity for me so that I can move. This place and certain people will be in my rear view mirror soon and I’m completely ok with that.

People are not inherently mean, inconsiderate, assholes. They choose to be that way. They choose to treat people like shit. They choose to forget the ones that have helped them this far. All their actions and lies and manipulations are all chosen. They wonder why things don’t work out. It’s because they treat people like trash and move on to the next person and then when that person is done or is no longer useful then they try to make amends with the good, kind people from their past. I’m so sick of this fucking pattern, this impossible future that’s been the reason I’ve stayed so long. I’ve put in my time and I’m done.

I am well aware that I’ve said that before but like the “Boy who cried wolf” he was eventually right. There has never been such hurt felt out of such love. There will never be again. I don’t know if you did this to me because someone else hurt you or if you really do just have the worst blinders on ever but one day you will actually be sorry and maybe you’ll pray for my forgiveness but will have moved on and there will be nothing left. You did this. No one else. You can’t blame anyone and you can’t “excuse” this away. Your actions have consequences. You amusement of other people, do you think this is all a game? You throw out these little “treats” to keep people around but you never actually want them. You just need them. Then you go through life collecting these little trophy’s of human hearts. Do you know how fucked up that is? And the worst part is that you don’t think people find out? You don’t think we know? Some of the people that you’ve hurt are some vindictive bitches and I am sick of getting stuck in the crossfire of their broken hearts. I’m sick of your actions coming back to haunt me.

I’m so very done this time because your past won’t leave me out of your history and wants to piss on my present. I’m curious thought, what do you do with your collection of broken hearts? I’m curious what you’ll do with mine.