Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. 😦 It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

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Final weekend of nothing…

Strangely, having a weekend pretty much all to myself has actually caused me to make a lot of hard decisions. Decisions that I’ve been wrestling with for a while now. So here is what I have decided…

I will no longer be giving to those who haven’t reciprocated.
I will no longer “try” to keep friendships that have much more gains for the other person than for me.
I will be around positive people that have goals and incentive to get to a better place than where they are.
I will no longer be a sucker to my emotions. I’m done.
I’m done with putting my heart on my sleeve and getting it slapped off each time.
I’m done with people or use, manipulate and lie or hurt others because they are hurting themselves.
I’m done not feeling “good enough”.
I’m done crying. No more tears will be shed over shit that only mattered to me.
I’m done with people that don’t have compassion or empathy.
I’m done with anger and other emotions that aren’t helpful.
I’m done sticking around this hell hole with people that are dragging me down.

I knew it would all come to this one day and for some reason today just proved it. When the love turns to anger and the anger turns to apathy… That’s when there’s nothing left. I’m getting the fuck out of his town when my lease is up. I’m done spending money on anything that’s not an absolute necessity for me so that I can move. This place and certain people will be in my rear view mirror soon and I’m completely ok with that.

People are not inherently mean, inconsiderate, assholes. They choose to be that way. They choose to treat people like shit. They choose to forget the ones that have helped them this far. All their actions and lies and manipulations are all chosen. They wonder why things don’t work out. It’s because they treat people like trash and move on to the next person and then when that person is done or is no longer useful then they try to make amends with the good, kind people from their past. I’m so sick of this fucking pattern, this impossible future that’s been the reason I’ve stayed so long. I’ve put in my time and I’m done.

I am well aware that I’ve said that before but like the “Boy who cried wolf” he was eventually right. There has never been such hurt felt out of such love. There will never be again. I don’t know if you did this to me because someone else hurt you or if you really do just have the worst blinders on ever but one day you will actually be sorry and maybe you’ll pray for my forgiveness but will have moved on and there will be nothing left. You did this. No one else. You can’t blame anyone and you can’t “excuse” this away. Your actions have consequences. You amusement of other people, do you think this is all a game? You throw out these little “treats” to keep people around but you never actually want them. You just need them. Then you go through life collecting these little trophy’s of human hearts. Do you know how fucked up that is? And the worst part is that you don’t think people find out? You don’t think we know? Some of the people that you’ve hurt are some vindictive bitches and I am sick of getting stuck in the crossfire of their broken hearts. I’m sick of your actions coming back to haunt me.

I’m so very done this time because your past won’t leave me out of your history and wants to piss on my present. I’m curious thought, what do you do with your collection of broken hearts? I’m curious what you’ll do with mine.

Competitions and contemplation…

I’ve had an interesting, relaxing, weekend. Friday night I was supposed to go out to dinner but my ex said he needed some paperwork notarized and asked if he could come by. I told him, as long as he didn’t eff with my Friday afternoon nap I’d be fine with it… Didn’t realize he’d have stayed the whole weekend. :-/ But with that said, it was completely platonic… Mostly. I slept through dinner Friday after taking the longest nap in history and woke with the door bell ringing around 9ish. He was nice enough to have brought a dinner he’d cooked especially for me so we ate that first. After that I told him he’d need to sit tight and watch TV as I needed to get a workout in.

These workouts are where the competition come in. One of the greatest inventions in my life has been the fitbit. I’ve probably gone through at least ten, losing some, breaking some. But on the app itself I’ve got a bunch of family and friends on there and we do competitions every work week and each weekend. I was destined to beat them this week AND weekend so I’ve been walking, jogging and running since last Sunday. I enjoy it so it’s all in fun plus there’s some pretty humorous banter on the app as well between all parties involved. I didn’t win but I did put up some of my biggest numbers ever which I’m excited about.

Back to the ex though, so he got into some TV when I was working out, then it got late and he’d had a bit too much wine. I told him he could stay but nothing was going to happen. I don’t even know if that bothered him, he was so tired. We then, finally hit the bed around 3:30 am. It was nice to have a warm body next to me and I made sure that nothing was going to happen by not having any protection in the home. The strange little things I do to keep myself out of trouble.

Saturday morning comes around and we just lazily got out of bed and made coffee. In a short amount of time, with him, we’ve become very succinct, it’s been nice to have that again. He then sat around while I worked out, yet again. We’d gotten into a show on Showtime (I think) and got really into it but I’d had dinner plans with some girl friends so I told him he could stay BUT he couldn’t watch any without me. I have no idea what he did while I was gone. I think he took a nap though. I was gone for a few hours then got back home, took the pants off and just got cozy on the couch and watched more of the show with him. I was sure by today he’d be ready to go home but after another platonic night in bed, having a nice warm body next to me I started contemplating this shit again. Is this supposed to be THE relationship? Truth is, I’m just really sick and tired of dating. I’ve been doing it way too long. So, we don’t have that wicked crazy connection. Lately, I don’t have that with anyone so maybe it was just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I’ve just been on a long acid trip for the last almost two years. If all the guys that I’ve “interviewed” lately said that they realized their wives were just the one person that they were the most comfortable with then why can’t I get to that too. If I choose this path, I could be married and have a family within a year. He’s been talking about moving to Bali and setting up a little business there. That would be nice. I wish this shit was easier. If I really felt like he was the one then I suppose I’d have already said yes and I would have no been ok with a completely platonic weekend.

By the time this morning rolled around and he was already up and making coffee I was ready for some peace and quiet. I was ready for him to be gone already. So, I lied. I told him I had to work and he’d have to go home which he did and I’ve had my workout, my peace and quiet and my contemplation. As the saying goes, with this one, I’ll have to shit or get off the pot soon enough. He’s a really good guy, with good intentions and he’s stable. Yet again, I am faced with the idea that I could either do this with him or wait until when? Is it fair to pick someone that’s not your first choice because you don’t want to be single forever? Is it more fair if you’re honest with him about it? This is where I need my sign.

I’ve written about this before but since I deleted it I’ll say it again. When there’s something that God needs to tell you he first whispers it in your ear. If you don’t listen (which most of us don’t) then he throws a pebble at you. If, after that, you’re still not listening to him then he chunks a brick at your effing head. I’ve had lots of bricks to my head and apparently this decision is no different. I either need a sign that he’s the one or that there’s someone else that’s supposed to be with me. I’m not only exhausted at dating but I’m exhausted with the idea of some sort of clock running out on finding someone to be happy with. I’ve never been happy with any time frame and this is no different but I just want to move on past this. This feels like such a consuming issue with me.

I’ve ended the evening with a bath, more exercise and some decent TV. Thank goodness for HBO. When I finally decide to make it into my bed, I’m wondering if it’ll feel very empty tonight. Two nights with a warm body next to me and the curtains opened to drown in the morning sun. I’m wondering if I’ll miss it. I guess we’ll have to see. Hope you all had a great weekend. Good night.

My song for the evening.
Burn That Broken Bed By: Calexico and Iron and Wine