Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.


Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.





Cleaning Up and Reinventing the Normal. 

One of the guys from work was nice enough to bring in a stomach bug from one of their kids and pass it on to me. I’ve been a mess for two days now and finally starting to feel better now. Being sick gives you time to do nothing, which usually I hate. Today it gave me time to work on my to-do list. Problem is I’m great at making the list but not so good on the follow through.

I started with something small, like cleaning up my phone. This is the first time ever that I’ve kept all text messages without deleting them. I still kept them today but it makes me feel like my phones a mess. Some people like to keep conversations so that they can come back to them later and say, “See, I told you I said that”. I hate to be the “I told you so” person so I have no reason for keeping them. I went to my “favorites” for some reason. I never use that feature but there’s only four people there. My BFF, my boss, brother and my GBF. I should probably actually put more of my favorite people in that list but I don’t really care about it. I’d put THE friend in there because he is one of my favorite people but I think I’m still scared that he won’t stick around so I don’t.

Other things that made it to my to-do list? I want to actually clean my patio and make it a nice sitting area so that I’ll stop smoking in my place. I know that’s gross but I walk around so frequently without pants on I can’t really step outside the front door. Every once in a while I’ll go out there and watch the stars or the moon or rain. I like to be one with nature and for some reason, lately, I’ve really wanted to go camping or on a hike or something. Some would say that they could never see me doing that stuff but I actually like it. I’d leave my flat iron at home and take a walk in the wild for a day or two. Just as long as it’s not the normal. You know how I hate boring.

Truth is, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do that doesn’t really seem like me but I don’t really have many adventurous friends. They’re all settled with family and those days are past. I like being spontaneous. THE friend is spontaneous, like this past weekend. I had fun doing things I hadn’t done before. Problem there is, in my mind, he’ll leave again and then I’ll be left with all these ideas of stuff we COULD have done. I don’t want that again. So I’m cautions in my planning. I wish I could be relaxed about us and just enjoy each moment. Easier said than done. There’s nothing tethering us to each other so there will always be that possibility. In my mind he’s always off trying to find someone new to occupy his time with and I’m trying to find someone to replace him when he leaves. That’s kind of shitty huh?

I really need to take a good hot bath but don’t have the energy. Being sick takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I’m always sick though. To add to my future husband list, I’d like him to get me healthy or at least help me get healthier. It’s amazing, I’ve dated three personal trainers in my life and I’m still not close to where I want to be. It’s a lot harder than you think it is. I’d also like to add personal grocery shopper to that list and someone who records movies for me to watch later. Apparently being sick makes me think of all the things I want in a man. I just looked at the weather and it makes me a little happy to know that it’s going to rain. I really love the rain. I’m going to try to walk a trail tomorrow night, even in the rain. I’ve missed it. Walking and running are my meditation.

It’s weird when I think of all these things that go into my future husband list and with each item I also think about the things that I’d do for him as well. I read this article the other day about “flipping the switch” and the man being a stay at home ‘whatever’ and the woman working. It talked about social norms and how things are so much different now. Just as all ‘ab-normal’ relationships intrigue me so does this. I’ve always been an independent woman and the idea of not working freaks me out. If my other half did all the things that the past female role was for then I’d be ok with that. Even with having kids, he’d provide the ingredients, I’d cook he bun and he’d nurture it, I’d be ok with that too. I just that’s why I’d always dated these dominant assholes that believed in the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen roles because I always knew I’d never fall for it. No, I want those things and the tables turn. I hate cooking and cleaning but I like to work. See how that works?

The things I think about as I’m living in the bathroom for two days. Oh well, one can wish. I’ve just been invited to another wedding in a few weeks. Those are always fun without a date but my BFF will be there so we can eff off and do stupid shit together. Who knows, maybe we’ll actually find some decent men to hang around for the night.

Okay, so all that was a bunch of random crap I felt like writing tonight. I have no real words that are coming up anymore. Hope you’re all having a great week.


Life Lessons In Unlikely Places…

Coming home from a pleasant evening with friends tonight and on the drive home I decided to play my “Sexy” playlist on Spotify. Regardless of how unsexy I must have looked dancing and singing in my car on the way home, at least I felt a bit. Then, once home, I started flipping through channels in hopes that something would grab my attention. I stopped on HBO and caught the last 30 minutes of the Magic Mike 2 movie.

I’m going to defend myself here. These were both so so stupid movies. However, those dance scenes where hypnotic. It’s also become a joke with m BFF and I and I’ll tell you a bit of the back story to this now.

When she and I both turned eighteen, we decided to venture into LaBare. Which, for those of you that don’t know, is a strip club for women. We were initially shocked at how insane these women got when the men came out and shook their asses. First, back then, there was no “Magic Mike” dance scenes so it was mostly just gyrating groins on these tall, tan, muscular slick stallions but we were never impressed. While almost all the women would jump up and clamor toward the stage at the first three seconds of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, we would just be sitting in our chairs and appreciating the music. We’d mostly make friends with the waiters which were almost always better looking so that we could drink before the law abiding age. Now, because we didn’t come off as these crazy females, we’d actually be pretty popular by the end of the night so we ended up making friends with the dancers and managers or whoever. Fast forward a few years and the business that I’m in made it very easy to be invited to a strip club, almost weekly whether it be a male or female one it never mattered.

During this time of frequent stops at these clubs it became such a common experience to show up around 1 am, drink a bit and end up hanging out with everyone till the sun came up. While doing this I soaked in the infinite stripper wisdom and let me tell you something, it was very worth while. Do you know how easy it became to have an actual conversation while sitting either on a man’s lap with only a “c–k sock” on or sitting next to a woman who was topless. After a while you become desensitized to someone actually trying to hit on you for the right reasons because the lessons I’ve learned from both Wall Street sales boys and strippers makes it very easy to just assume everyone is out to get something in their own best interest.

But, I can’t say that I didn’t use what I was taught. The first lesson was eye contact. This is so important for both men and women. But here’s what you do. There’s a point when you know the other person is looking at you, whiling staring at the floor you slowly raise your vision directly into theirs and don’t look away while having a tiny curl of your lip as if it was about to become a devious smile. Hold it as long as you can. I still do that when I’m flirting and it’s never failed.

The next lesson was the touching. All the magazines say you’re supposed to touch a man on his arm, or leg as much as possible to flirt with him or to let him know you’re interested but what they taught me was to take the ring finger on either hand and just lightly run it down a man’s arm, almost as soft as a whisper. That usually works too.

Lastly, was the whisper itself. Now, this goes for any man or woman and especially when someone does this to me. Oh Wow! I’ll go crazy. But you lean in, especially when your out at a club or bar and it’s loud, whisper something, anything, but make it so that your lips graze against their ear and they can feel your breath. Drives me crazy! Did I mention that?

There was a lot of other things they taught all by accident because it was really just me observing a lot but that would turn this post into a rate R so I’ll leave those for another night but I think being around that world and yes, it’s a world all on it’s own, got me so jaded about dating and sex and money. The things that would or should normally turn me on are not the things that do. I usually go for the opposite of what those strippers tried to do because they made it all so fake but humorous never-the-less.

Truth is though, lately, I’ve not really tried any of those tricks or any real type of romantic or sexual serenade. While I crave some sort of intimate human interaction and while it’s easy for me to pull a “booty call number” from my phone it’s all so immature and fake. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger but now i crave something different, something better.

I crave jazz on a Sunday afternoon and cuddling so good that it makes me not want to go to work the next morning. I want something more than a 20 minute bang and then I get up and leave. I want a man that makes me want to stay and makes me want to cook breakfast for him the next day.

My ex (that I work with) and I would do this thing where we’d go to bars and see who could get the most phone numbers from suitors. It was a joke to us. We’d do a lot of stupid shit which would probably make other partners jealous but to us it was fun. But there was this one night, after a strip club, that a guy I’d known had come to the table. I guess my ex got a bit jealous and out of no where he told the guy that we were married. Which we weren’t even close to but it was the first time that I’d seen jealousy in his eyes and it kinda turned me on a lot. There was this guy who was totally secure in almost every way and he was so unsure of himself that he felt like he needed to take ownership of property at that very moment. That was probably one of the best nights of sex for us.

But those are the weird things that turn me on. I don’t want obvious “this is on page 3 of my playbook” moves. Tell me something honest, true, cry about something real, blue, wear the color blue I don’t know why. Bare feet with jeans is so sexy, laughing, looking into my eyes but without the pretense of “hey lets f*ck”. Whisper something to me. Give me a hug that you mean, not a half ass, side hug. Music, music, music. Order for me at a restaurant. Take me somewhere that I’ve never been and surprise me. Give me something of yourself even just for a moment.

My life has certainly made it hard to trust and to date especially when I’m not looking for a “right now” It’s tough. So maybe strippers never really taught me anything but maybe they jaded and ruined me. They did help me read people which I’m pretty good at. They help me understand that attaining perfection is a lie and that appearances don’t matter as much. Do I want the 6ft 3in, dark and handsome guy who sold his soul a long time ago and can’t muster the car note he’s got on his souped up Jaguar even though he makes well over six figures a year? If I wanted that, I’d have had that a long time ago and I can promise you that I would have left that by now. I’d give up the numbers to all those guys for the right guy now who didn’t posses any of that. I’m just not sure I’ve even met him yet.

So long ago were the nights spent with exotic dancers till the sun rose and even though it was fun back then and there’s an occasional fun night out at a club these days where I get to practice my skills I have no desire to go back into that realm. Wow, that felt like a different life ago, a different body ago and just a much different time. I’m not sure if this is growing up or growing old. Man, the stories I could tell.

So that’s my story tonight about a life lived long ago. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. I’m doing nothing for the rest of this weekend, or that’s my plan of no plans.


Charity and arm candy connections…

A few years back I met, through work, a man that was gorgeous, charming and well off. We’d gone out on one date and the evening ended when I realized that he was a horrible kisser, that he’d been “around the block” way to many times and he was a bit too perfect for my taste. However, he became the perfect date to take to these charity gala’s that I go to. He’s very charming, has a nice car and is some pretty nice arm candy but that is as far as any of this goes. One of the biggest turn offs to me and most women is when a guy is just out for one thing. You can usually tell by what they say, how nice they are or by their body movements. It’s not that difficult. After that first date, he’d asked the next night when we could see each other again and I told him it was just better that we were friends. This actually made him relax a bit. We’re not close but he’s my go to for swanky events.

The first event I invited him to was to raise awareness about neuroblastoma and he was the best date. He’d actually given me money to buy a nice dress, shoes and whatever else I wanted. I told him I didn’t need any of it and that he was my date but, as I found out quickly, he’s a control freak and likes to tell women what to dress like, how to do their hair and nails. It was weird being such an independent woman but it was one night, for a good cause and I didn’t mind not having to think about what to put on. The idea of having a thousand dresses and shoes spewed across my bed actually gives me anxiety so it was a win win situation.

The ladies loved him and the men could relate to his love of nice cars. I reminded him several times that it wasn’t a date and he was more than capable of getting any phone numbers he wanted, from any women there. He said he found that to be tacky whether it was an actual date or not. Like I said, he very charming. He’s got the type of charm I like to call “intent charm”. This is when a man says something to push through an agenda and only for that reason. It’s basically fake charm. I prefer the mouth be closed unless there’s an actual compliment that comes out of it that is meant but he gets a lot of women that way.

We’d hung out a few more times, randomly. He’d even taken me out for my birthday one year. That didn’t go as planned and just reassured me that he was not one that I could date, not to mention the fact that as much as he talked about settling down and having a family one day he was in absolutely no rush to do this and quite frankly, I don’t think he’d have been faithful or even really interest no matter who his wife was. You see, after you get past the bullshit and the line is drawn that there will be no future, sex or anything with someone their walls tend to come down and they start to be honest because they finally feel like they don’t have to impress you anymore. The trouble with this theory is that once men do that, they tends to become too comfortable and start to look at you as someone that they could spend the rest of their life with. It’s kind of a double edge sword for those types of guys.

The next big event I’d asked him to go to was the Porsche Macan Launch party, last year I think. He was most certainly into this and did the same thing he’d done before. He sent a dress and shoes. He showed up with flowers and was a complete gentleman. We actually had a really great time. One of the things that I’d always liked about him was that even though he knew we weren’t dating, he’d always treat our time together as a date. He’d bring the flowers, open the doors, pull out the chair. He wouldn’t look at other women, wasn’t interested in what was going on outside of where we were and was completely and always in the moment. It was a nice change. I liked his classy, gentleman aura and always appreciated his authenticity with me after we got past the bullshit. Also, one of the nicest memories I have is this. Right before he moved I went to see him at his condo. His expensive home lacked the cluttered effect that my home has. Clean, organized and everything out of sight but in his office he had this great wall of photos. He had photos with everyone from famous athletes to big wig corporate assholes. Within this wall of his memories was two photos that stood out. One, I remember taking. It was at the Porsche event and we looked great. The other was a picture he’d taken that I didn’t know about. My hair was down. I was smiling and I was looking at something. He’d taken it in black and white and it’s one of the few photos that I would say I look beautiful in. Not to mention that it was taken when I didn’t even know it. He captured something that I didn’t even know was out there to catch.

Now, he’s moved to Dallas for his job. (I still have no idea what he does.) I have an invite to another event in a few weeks and need a nice piece of arm candy to go along with the night. I’ve been thinking about calling him up to see where he’s at in life and see if he’d come down for that evening for no other reason that it’s nice to be treated like a lady and pampered once in a while by someone else. Is that selfish? It’s not as though I’ve not been honest with him and he knows that he’s not going to get lucky that night. We shall see. You never know what’s going to happen in a few weeks. This might be why I’ve been working out so freakin hard lately. I’d like to look good for our pictures too, especially if he decides to take one without my knowledge again.

I always say it’s the little things that make me smile. I’ve been in a great mood all week. This is feel good. I hope for it to only get better. Hope you are all having a great week as well. Good night.

This song has nothing to do with the guy above but I heard it today and realized that I forgot how much I love it.
Share the World By: SPZRKT