Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.

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Finalizing my faux Monday…

I did good today. I waited until after work, after dinner with friends and even after my shower to cry a bit. This is still gut wrenching for me but I got this strange look at myself and realized that I feel like an idiot. Not because I have all these feelings but because he’s so blissfully unaware of what’s going on with me because he’s in his happy place with other people. I’m hurt and I’m upset and my heart is breaking and he’s just doing what he always does. That’s what set me off this evening.

I also had another thought. The previous post that I admitted that I saw a future and family with him. That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud, even here. This has always gone beyond a crush, beyond just feelings for a good friend. I’ve not been honest with myself which is partly why this is so upsetting to me now.

He’s the first guy in my life that I was truly excepting of all his flaws and faults. I wasn’t oblivious to them, trust me but I did see past all them and realize that the person, beyond the flaws, beyond the faults, beyond the “issues” I was willing to do whatever for that person. It really is the first time in my life that I’ve ever experienced unconditional love and that still holds true. This type of love isn’t going to just go away. I’ve been trying to make it go away for almost two years. And there were certain times where I felt ok in the position I was in with him but after you assess the situation and realize that none of this is what he’s pictured or felt whatsoever, you have to have the strength to let go.

I also hope that I’ve never made him out to sound like a complete tool either because he’s not. I would have never fallen in love with a complete tool, apparently I just date them. He has great qualities and he’s taught me things. He’s helped with things but relationships of any kind whether they be friends or lovers always need to be treated as a blessing and never taken for granted. This doesn’t mean there’s no fighting because Oh My God, we fought a lot and I took that actually as a good thing because I’ve never cared to argue with anyone before, it means there’s something to fight for. Not to mention that the last argument we got into, he was so very caring the next day to ensure that he didn’t hurt me or my feelings and he explained himself. It’s was kind of a break though and beautiful but it just became more apparent that it was easier for him to take me for granted and to apologize later and make someone else feel great because I was a sucker. I’d always accept the apology or just be happy that he was breathing my air at that moment.

Oh course, these are also all my perceptions of things. I’m sure he’s got a different story, if he even thinks of us at all. I both hated and loved the fact that he always wanted to plan something in the future. We had a lot of future plans but like I said, unless there’s some sort of cosmic shift or miracle that’s going to happen our past can’t be erased, the hurt I feel can’t be erased and feeling used can’t be erased.

If I was to ask for a miracle it would be that we start fresh, with a clean slate, there’s no money between us and we are equal. I think only then can we be where we should be but because that is only my wish I will just go to bed and dream of a better day. Turns out, it does really help to write all this shit down… and he thinks I’m not crazy. He’s so wrong.

Good Night.

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