Lately, I’ve lost my muse. I have no capacity for any creativity what-so-ever. I used to be good at this, at things. Painting, writing, poetry was all my go to for enjoyment. But lately, it seems that all I can do is start to color in my adult coloring books with no interest in finishing. I’m not really sure where it’s all gone.
I suppose I get in a bit of a funk after seeing my little niece because I don’t get to see much of her growing up as I’d like to. It seems with each passing moment she’s a bit bigger. It makes you think about time a bit and how it’s taken for granted. How many times have you said these things…?
I’ll call them tomorrow.
I’ll just see them this weekend.
I’ll start next week.
I’ll take care of that later.
With as many people passing away in my life as they did this year, you start to realize that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Heck, we’re not even guaranteed the moment that’s beyond this moment right now. I know it sounds morbid but the truth is, this is suppose to help us live our lives each moment to moment. Don’t wait for an hour, a day, a week or when something else happens. Do what you need to and what you want to now.
The Lord knows that I am guilty of doing all those above. I’ve waited and I don’t know what for. If I feel sad or depressed at that very moment I try to ask myself, “What is wrong is this very moment?” Most of the time my answer is nothing so I try to change my outlook. It doesn’t always work but I try.
No, this doesn’t make me want to reconnect to any of my exes or go back in time and change anything but it just makes you think that there’s not much of a point in waiting for things to happen. If I feel like going to get ice cream on a chilly day or drive to another town to watch a movie or just drive around aimlessly and sing to GNR then I’m doing it or at least I’ll try to do it.
But in the interim of all this, I’m still looking for my muse, my creative flair that I’ve lost along the way. If it happens to be tied to my dreams then I suppose it’ll be back soon as my dreams have come back to me. I’d lost those for a while as well. I wasn’t really sad about them leaving for a while as they were telling me things that aren’t true. My dreams were lying to me. That didn’t seem fair at all. Now, they’re back and they’re starting from where they left off. I’d say I’m sad that they’re back but I’m not. They are a bit of colorful entertainment that I’ve been missing for a while now.
I’ll be seeing my little niece soon enough and that’ll be fun. There’s nothing better than a tiny adult child to make you want to live life a bit more and enjoy it. It’s an envious thing when you realize that she gets to relive all her first that you did. I wouldn’t change any of my firsts. They are mine to own alone.
I didn’t stay grounded at all this weekend and I’m ok with that. I probably should have turned my phone off but I didn’t and the enticement outings was beckoning too loudly. Even with all the outings my life is still pretty dull, to my standards anyway. There’s nothing enticing or entertaining for me right now. I’m not sure I mind the bland but I do miss things, a lot of things.
The next thing on my calendar of Christmas events is my wrapping tradition. I like to get into my festive PJ’s, watch Christmas movies and wrap all the gifts. It’s better to do it with someone else but I’ll be ok if it’s just me this year. It’s a sad time of year to not be coupled but if this is the way it’s supposed to be right now then I’ll just have to make the best of it.
Hope you’re all having a great week so far.