Creativity is a miss… and time passing by.

Lately, I’ve lost my muse. I have no capacity for any creativity what-so-ever. I used to be good at this, at things. Painting, writing, poetry was all my go to for enjoyment. But lately, it seems that all I can do is start to color in my adult coloring books with no interest in finishing. I’m not really sure where it’s all gone.

I suppose I get in a bit of a funk after seeing my little niece because I don’t get to see much of her growing up as I’d like to. It seems with each passing moment she’s a bit bigger. It makes you think about time a bit and how it’s taken for granted. How many times have you said these things…?

I’ll call them tomorrow.
I’ll just see them this weekend.
I’ll start next week.
I’ll take care of that later.

With as many people passing away in my life as they did this year, you start to realize that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Heck, we’re not even guaranteed the moment that’s beyond this moment right now. I know it sounds morbid but the truth is, this is suppose to help us live our lives each moment to moment. Don’t wait for an hour, a day, a week or when something else happens. Do what you need to and what you want to now.

The Lord knows that I am guilty of doing all those above. I’ve waited and I don’t know what for. If I feel sad or depressed at that very moment I try to ask myself, “What is wrong is this very moment?” Most of the time my answer is nothing so I try to change my outlook. It doesn’t always work but I try.

No, this doesn’t make me want to reconnect to any of my exes or go back in time and change anything but it just makes you think that there’s not much of a point in waiting for things to happen. If I feel like going to get ice cream on a chilly day or drive to another town to watch a movie or just drive around aimlessly and sing to GNR then I’m doing it or at least I’ll try to do it.

But in the interim of all this, I’m still looking for my muse, my creative flair that I’ve lost along the way. If it happens to be tied to my dreams then I suppose it’ll be back soon as my dreams have come back to me. I’d lost those for a while as well. I wasn’t really sad about them leaving for a while as they were telling me things that aren’t true. My dreams were lying to me. That didn’t seem fair at all. Now, they’re back and they’re starting from where they left off. I’d say I’m sad that they’re back but I’m not. They are a bit of colorful entertainment that I’ve been missing for a while now.

I’ll be seeing my little niece soon enough and that’ll be fun. There’s nothing better than a tiny adult child to make you want to live life a bit more and enjoy it. It’s an envious thing when you realize that she gets to relive all her first that you did. I wouldn’t change any of my firsts. They are mine to own alone.

I didn’t stay grounded at all this weekend and I’m ok with that. I probably should have turned my phone off but I didn’t and the enticement outings was beckoning too loudly. Even with all the outings my life is still pretty dull, to my standards anyway. There’s nothing enticing or entertaining for me right now. I’m not sure I mind the bland but I do miss things, a lot of things.

The next thing on my calendar of Christmas events is my wrapping tradition. I like to get into my festive PJ’s, watch Christmas movies and wrap all the gifts. It’s better to do it with someone else but I’ll be ok if it’s just me this year. It’s a sad time of year to not be coupled but if this is the way it’s supposed to be right now then I’ll just have to make the best of it.

Hope you’re all having a great week so far.

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Competitions and contemplation…

I’ve had an interesting, relaxing, weekend. Friday night I was supposed to go out to dinner but my ex said he needed some paperwork notarized and asked if he could come by. I told him, as long as he didn’t eff with my Friday afternoon nap I’d be fine with it… Didn’t realize he’d have stayed the whole weekend. :-/ But with that said, it was completely platonic… Mostly. I slept through dinner Friday after taking the longest nap in history and woke with the door bell ringing around 9ish. He was nice enough to have brought a dinner he’d cooked especially for me so we ate that first. After that I told him he’d need to sit tight and watch TV as I needed to get a workout in.

These workouts are where the competition come in. One of the greatest inventions in my life has been the fitbit. I’ve probably gone through at least ten, losing some, breaking some. But on the app itself I’ve got a bunch of family and friends on there and we do competitions every work week and each weekend. I was destined to beat them this week AND weekend so I’ve been walking, jogging and running since last Sunday. I enjoy it so it’s all in fun plus there’s some pretty humorous banter on the app as well between all parties involved. I didn’t win but I did put up some of my biggest numbers ever which I’m excited about.

Back to the ex though, so he got into some TV when I was working out, then it got late and he’d had a bit too much wine. I told him he could stay but nothing was going to happen. I don’t even know if that bothered him, he was so tired. We then, finally hit the bed around 3:30 am. It was nice to have a warm body next to me and I made sure that nothing was going to happen by not having any protection in the home. The strange little things I do to keep myself out of trouble.

Saturday morning comes around and we just lazily got out of bed and made coffee. In a short amount of time, with him, we’ve become very succinct, it’s been nice to have that again. He then sat around while I worked out, yet again. We’d gotten into a show on Showtime (I think) and got really into it but I’d had dinner plans with some girl friends so I told him he could stay BUT he couldn’t watch any without me. I have no idea what he did while I was gone. I think he took a nap though. I was gone for a few hours then got back home, took the pants off and just got cozy on the couch and watched more of the show with him. I was sure by today he’d be ready to go home but after another platonic night in bed, having a nice warm body next to me I started contemplating this shit again. Is this supposed to be THE relationship? Truth is, I’m just really sick and tired of dating. I’ve been doing it way too long. So, we don’t have that wicked crazy connection. Lately, I don’t have that with anyone so maybe it was just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I’ve just been on a long acid trip for the last almost two years. If all the guys that I’ve “interviewed” lately said that they realized their wives were just the one person that they were the most comfortable with then why can’t I get to that too. If I choose this path, I could be married and have a family within a year. He’s been talking about moving to Bali and setting up a little business there. That would be nice. I wish this shit was easier. If I really felt like he was the one then I suppose I’d have already said yes and I would have no been ok with a completely platonic weekend.

By the time this morning rolled around and he was already up and making coffee I was ready for some peace and quiet. I was ready for him to be gone already. So, I lied. I told him I had to work and he’d have to go home which he did and I’ve had my workout, my peace and quiet and my contemplation. As the saying goes, with this one, I’ll have to shit or get off the pot soon enough. He’s a really good guy, with good intentions and he’s stable. Yet again, I am faced with the idea that I could either do this with him or wait until when? Is it fair to pick someone that’s not your first choice because you don’t want to be single forever? Is it more fair if you’re honest with him about it? This is where I need my sign.

I’ve written about this before but since I deleted it I’ll say it again. When there’s something that God needs to tell you he first whispers it in your ear. If you don’t listen (which most of us don’t) then he throws a pebble at you. If, after that, you’re still not listening to him then he chunks a brick at your effing head. I’ve had lots of bricks to my head and apparently this decision is no different. I either need a sign that he’s the one or that there’s someone else that’s supposed to be with me. I’m not only exhausted at dating but I’m exhausted with the idea of some sort of clock running out on finding someone to be happy with. I’ve never been happy with any time frame and this is no different but I just want to move on past this. This feels like such a consuming issue with me.

I’ve ended the evening with a bath, more exercise and some decent TV. Thank goodness for HBO. When I finally decide to make it into my bed, I’m wondering if it’ll feel very empty tonight. Two nights with a warm body next to me and the curtains opened to drown in the morning sun. I’m wondering if I’ll miss it. I guess we’ll have to see. Hope you all had a great weekend. Good night.

My song for the evening.
Burn That Broken Bed By: Calexico and Iron and Wine