Fate’s Funny Ways… And Maybe Something New.

Still raining and now it’s cold which would be great if I was buried in my blanket at home but I am not. I am sitting at my desk staring out the window and watching the parking lot flood. The rain still calms me though so there’s that.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started with an email, at work, from my ex and a poem. It still shocks me that I can not reply to him at all and he still has the patience to continue sending things to me. It was sweet but there will be no reply. However, it made me have this weird dream last night. At some point during the day, I realized that if I wanted to, I could be married right now and trying to have a child. If I was to say “eff this waiting crap” I could have all those things with him right now. I want all those things right now just not with him. Perplexing what life and fate has to offer isn’t it?

With that being said, here’s another twist of fate for you. So, the way my career has gone has been jobs have always kind of “fallen” into place. I’ve been search out and offered them because (and here’s where I won’t be humble) I’m good at what I do. What do I do? I take care of things. That sounds ominous right? Kind of like I’m in the mafia? But I’m a control freak who likes to ensure that something is done with perfection. So, at work, I’m a control freak perfectionist and it’s noticed. Not only do I take care of things but I enjoy taking care of people. This leads me to my next possible career choice.

Because my boss and his girlfriend were having issues I decided to jump in and try to help. While being helpful his girlfriend realized just how valuable I am. This led her to ask me yesterday if I’d work for her or the company she works for. This is an amazing job opportunity and one that I’m really considering. The best part here is that I would get to work from wherever I wanted to. What does that mean? I could move to Austin and be close to my BFF, my niece and wouldn’t have to hear “When are you moving here?” ever again. It would solve a lot of problems and my emotional health won’t be in so much turmoil. Win win right?

I’m reminded every single day that my presents here is not needed. I’m reminded that the person that I am is not appreciated what-so-ever so I’m just reminded of how much I don’t need to be here anymore. These past few days have just reminded me that THE friend’s presents in my life has nothing to do with me. I’m not even sure he knows the real me sometimes or what the hell to do with me. The small fact is, it’s the little things. I don’t expect grand gestures. I don’t expect his thoughts or feelings to change. I also don’t expect much of anything from him but the small things are what would make the most difference.

He was just a few feet away from me last night and didn’t even know, realize or care that he’d upset me because his stupid social media and women all across this great land were more important to keep his attention that doing three things that I’d asked. Yet again, proving why I don’t ask for shit. For the things that I’ve done for him and he can’t even do a few things that I ask. It’s bullshit. That parts not even about my “feelings” it’s about the smallest form of respect that you give to a “friend” which is why I don’t even think he respects me enough to call me a friend.

And yet, with all that, when I came home yesterday and saw him asleep on the couch, I was comforted. I was concerned and I was kicking myself because on our worst days with each other, our trying days, our miscommunications and our misunderstandings I still feel better when he’s around than when he’s not. How effed up is that?

When I talk to my therapist about our friendship she’s a bit perplexed too. Trust me when I say I try to give the most unbiased view of everything as well. She seems to think that there’s some deep seeded tensions between us, unspoken words and unmasked feelings. I keep trying to explain to her that there is not. These are my feelings and mine alone and that almost all that I’ve had to say, I’ve said. I have no unspoken words or unmasked feelings. She’s supposed to be a really great therapist too. Reviews, recommendations and a lot of research went into finding her and yet that is what she thinks. I can’t win for trying.

Regardless of all of that and all the things that I would do for him and because of him I HAVE to realize that none of it matters to him. NONE OF ANY OF IT. So, I have an interview next week that might just change my course of action right now and because my career has usually predicted the outcome of my current status, it could be fates way of pushing me in a direction that my heart doesn’t want to go in and that would be west about 150 miles and on to a new life. We shall see what happens in the next week. Fate has a tricky way of putting all kinds of things in my life. Lets see where this new chapter starts?…

And The Award Goes To…

Yep, I watched the Oscars and as I said the other night this will be the year that I’ve watched a lot of the movies that had been nominated. I was happy about that although there’s a few others that I want to see now. Ah, the movies. Life’s little pleasure that takes us out of our own life for just a moment and makes us become voyeurs to another. Sometimes these other lives are better and sometimes not.

That was also a “million dollar question”. What movie would you want to be in instead of your own life? I’m sure my answer back then was probably some Zalman King movie and catch me on a good day and it still would be but as far as a regular movie? I have no idea. I think, right now I’m stuck in between ‘Just Friends’ and the ‘Sweetest Thing’.

Now, speaking of ‘Just Friends’, I watched the award show with THE Friend and shockingly, don’t really have much to complain about. In fact, it reminded me a bit of the times that I’d been missing with the fun and playfulness. He even stayed over but not in that way. He slept on the couch which would not have been my first choice but it’s the only choice in his mind I suppose. If we can stay that way, not get into any ruts, big arguments and he can just be a bit less obvious with his blatant attempts to keep us in the friend-zone forever then I’ll be fine. I’ve always said that I know what we are, well, as far as “that” is concerned.

I liked the fact that while I was sleeping he was going about his morning very comfortably. I like that he feels that he can call this a second home if needed and I won’t even harp on the not picking up after himself. Truth is, I don’t actually mind that much as it’s kind of training for when I actually live with someone.

See, that’s a difference between he and I. He’s lived with a crapload of people, dating or roommates but I haven’t. My space is sacred and has always been until him. I like that I can come home, take my pants off before the front door is shut, kick off my shoes wherever I want and don’t have to make excuses for a mess or unclean dishes or whatever. I’m sure he’s taken sanctuary in many different homes with many different people but I’m good that this is new to me. See, he’s my first there…

I did wake in the middle of the morning sometimes in excruciating pain and reached for a pain pill that was left on my bedside table as a foreshadowing. Then, I seemed to have passed out again and woke sometime late morning. I made my coffee, ate a bowl of granola and worked from home for a bit. But in the interim of my pill coma I seem to remember having a dream about something strange. THE friend and I were camping and we were sitting around this camp fire and he was just talking about his life and I was so ensconced in his stories, his words that I didn’t realize that we were surrounded by shooting stars. It was just the two of us, with his words and shooting stars… WTH does that mean?

That is one thing that I like. I like listening to him when he talks about his family, or history or things he knows. Unfortunately, this communication is always salted with mean comments or shitty things he says but once I get past those things I actually hear not just listen to him. Most of the conversations I have with people are me staring at them intently while making a list of groceries to buy in my head. I’ve learned the subtle art of “Oh Wow!” or “Oh, my God!” intricately placed within someone’s sentences to give the appearance of my attention being paid to them. I suppose that sounds bad but I’ve already said that I don’t have much of an attention span so there’s that.

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk much about him anymore but I feel like I need to paint a better picture than the one I’ve given already and that means touching on the good points of him too. Some days those overwhelm the bad points and on those days I’m happy about our “ship”. He’s strangely been “my first” for a lot of things so he’s important. I do worry that we’ll grow into a rut and I still worry that he’ll take this for granted again and worst of all I’ll worry that he’ll find another, or better second home but until then I can still enjoy him, in (sadly) a none sexual way 🙂

Lastly, on another good note, even though I felt like roadkill today I still got my run in and my exercise. In the past, it’s been easy for me to neglect my exercise and fall off the wagon because I didn’t feel well. That’s how I know this is sticking this time because I need it for my sanity and because it helps in all things. I think I’ll amp things up tomorrow by adding something else.

In closing, I suppose the award goes to THE friend last night. Maybe that’s what he was saying in my dream. Maybe it was his acceptance speech 🙂 or maybe it was my subconscious just having him say nice things to me for an hour. Who the hell knows.

Hope you are all having a great week so far.

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