What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

20348

images

Tis The Season To…

Unlike years before, tis the season to appreciate a lot more, to be grateful and to realize just a bit more what you want out of life. Well, it is for me. So I figured that I would do my lists before I’m off out of town in the morning.

I am grateful for this year…
That I have friends of every variety that are amazing.
That I have found myself in a happier place than this time last year.
That I have had the opportunities to travel, go to concerts and do a few things I’ve never done before.
That my niece tells me I’m her best friend.
That I didn’t settle for a boy just because he loved me.
That I’ve met new people this year and can call a few of them friends.
That I’ve spent more time with people that are so much different than I am.
That I’ve started to see the good in everything even when it feels like there isn’t any.
That I’ve had a job that I like and do well.

There’s still a long way to go for me. That’s where the new year comes in. I know it all sounds cliche but it’s the perfect time. The first is on a Sunday so it’s brand new year, week and day. There’s no better way to start. I’ll need help and hopefully I’ll find the strength to ask for it this time.

Some of the things that I am putting on my list for the new year…
I want to get healthy, once and for all. I need to have people in my life that are supportive of that goal and that will help.
I want to do more things that I’ve never done like take a cooking class, maybe finally get a dog again and spend more time outdoors.
I’d like to get back to a place with my BFF that doesn’t feel so distant which is my fault.
I’d like get to a place where none of THE friends actions, words or lack of feelings doesn’t bother me at all. As much as we’ve had our issues I don’t want to have a life without him in it.
I’d like to move maybe not away but away from where I am. I need to find some better, new energy.
I want to continue growing, learning and getting to a better place overall with my life.
I want to check off a lot of classic movies that I’ve still never seen. Maybe I’ll use the rainy days for that.
I want to volunteer more.
I want to spend less money.
I want do something that makes a difference to someone else.

Because of all that on my list I’m going to be asking the universe for a lot but not more than I can handle.
I’m asking the universe for patience, love and understanding. I am looking for guidance and peace and lots of laughter.
I am asking for someone who makes me feel the good parts of what THE friend makes me feel and who loves me back unconditionally. Trust is, I’d take a carbon copy… Well, without all the girlfriends and maybe less of the bad moods but more sweet gestures and an unlimited amount of love.
I’m asking for signs that I should either let go of my current job and move somewhere else or stay for just a bit longer.

In each and every year, month, day even I am beginning to see the better parts of it rather than the worst. I have resigned to understand that routine isn’t a rut but what I need to do to survive. I also understand that maybe I wasn’t mean for “normal”. Maybe marriage, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence just isn’t in the cards for me and I might just be okay with that.

There are things about my life that I love and I plan to focus on those things. I’ll eventually find a rhythm and a groove that I’m the most comfortable in. Some days I’d like to just know that I won’t spend my life alone in the end because I was too picky or because I wouldn’t settle for feeling something less that someone else.

I might never be one of those people that wakes up with a ray of sunshine coming out my ass (as my boss puts it) or one that finds beauty in a swirling plastic bag but it doesn’t mean that the happier moments won’t mean as much. It does mean that the not so great moments are not so bad anymore.

I’m starting to sound like one of those self-help books or Tedtalks or something. I don’t know. My world just feels different lately… Better. The last part of this year will be spent ridding myself of things I don’t need anymore. Taking things to Goodwill and cleaning other things.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing for new years eve yet. I’ve had three invites so far but I want to do something different. Bringing in the new year with the same people doing the same thing just doesn’t seem right or interesting.

So that’s my random rambling tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, holiday or weekend, whatever you choose to celebrate. Remember, “Peace, Love and don’t give a shit!”

charlie-brown

Starting Hibernation Mode…

First, I hope that you all had a great holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not it’s still a time to see people, have some fun and see pretty lights all around. I’ve, actually, had a blast with some salted in drama throughout the days. For a change of pace, since I usually write depressing or sad stuff, I’ll tell you about some of the good things…

First, I made the journey in record time. I shouldn’t be proud of this but I was shocked at how fast I made it to my brothers place. Then we pissed around for a while and I got to play with my niece. It is exhausting to chase after a 3 year old but so much fun. She’s addicted to Olaf from frozen and Buzz Lightyear. Which made Christmas shopping for her so easy and I believe I have mastered their voices now. A bit later in the day, Christmas Eve, we got dressed up and went to have Christmas Eve “fancy dinner” at my sister-in-laws mothers home, which is right down the street. There was about 15 people there or so. This is where we fill the “assigned stocking” of whoever they were picked to fill on Thanksgiving. Someone thought it would be funny to make me be the “stocking fairy” this year which basically meant that I decided who got who for the stocking.

When I moved back in the room and called each person in one by one to fill someones stocking I basically just stood back, helped when needed and secretly rolled my eyes about how uncomfortable my shoes where. Well, my sister-in-law is lucky enough to still have her Grandmother around. Her grandmother is a very classy, smart and witty woman, even though she’s well into her 90’s. She still has most of her mental capacity, memories and, the part I love, her sarcastic responses. Well, I had chosen someone who I thought would fill her stocking with care. Because of some hiccups, that was changed and the person who actually filled her stocking was a sort of dimwitted cheap woman. She’s only in the family by marriage but she thought that it would have been appropriate to put naughty panties in this elderly woman’s stocking. While we all have a great sense of humor, imagine if someone would have given some slutty panties to the Queen or Jackie O… Yep, so this became a laughing point and they were discarded but at least we will always have a story to tell. I wish I was able to convey the look that everyone got on their faces when they found this out. It was of both shock and disgust. The only phrase that comes to mind is, “People, know your audience!”

Moving on… After that whole debacle, my niece was becoming a bit overwhelmed inside with all the people, drinking, talking and just general chaos of the holiday, so in our nice Eve outfits, I took my niece outside and we laid in the grass, we ran down the street and played with sticks. Sometimes, having a conversation with a three year old is much more entertaining than 15 adults. Actually, every time. We then got to go home and relax for a little and I’ve actually forgotten what we all did. But then it was finally time to sleep.

I woke the next morning, on Christmas Day, to an onslaught of text and calls all wishing a good day with family. My first mission was to forgo the nice clothes and makeup and just snake my way through the crowd to the coffee maker where I was greeted with a great big knee hug from my niece. She was probably thinking, “Finally, someone who acts more my age!” Then it was on to stockings, paper being thrown out everywhere, giggles and sharing. I had realized that my niece and sister-in-law where wearing matching jammies but it was just cute until I saw my brother in his matching set too… That had me on the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the funniest yet grossly cutest thing, I think he’s ever had to do by force.

After that, we then hand out all the gifts to their owners. This process is not a small feat with 15 plus people. Then we all opened everything in about 20 minutes. Tearing through, showing everyone, ripping open another one. This is one of the first years that I can say I liked everything that was given but as every year, I had much more fun seeing everyone open my gifts.

See, being British means that we don’t openly show emotions. We don’t say the “L word” and we’re not, or at least I’m not, a hugely physical person when it comes to hugs and kisses. So, in our own fashion, we just buy expensive gifts. That’s our way to say, “Ok, I kinda like you now don’t touch me”. I’ve done this my whole life. I got this from my dad. But that gets passed down to whoever is in our “inner circle”. My BFF gets to reap the rewards of our inability express our emotions, my sister-in-law does too and if I EVER bring a boy with me, he will also get to reap these rewards too and the best part is, this never has to be reciprocated. Since I’ve spared them, this long, from my failed relationships, they will be so happy when I do bring someone that they’ll probably buy him a car or house or something. I am very well aware that the gifts, themselves, really shouldn’t matter and they don’t but it’s our process. This is how we do things in our weird, jumbled, family.

My brother actually thought that I’d be bringing a friend to Christmas and I understand why he’d think that since I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life. He doesn’t know that the friend he thought I’d bring and I don’t speak anymore. It’s a nice thought to know that he’d have been fully welcomed there without question and would have gotten his own room to sleep in too. As I said before, our Christmases are made up of many a friend, family and stray. Anyone is welcome.

After that there was a lot of sleepy chatter, mindless grazing and playing with snowball shooters that I didn’t realize would have been such a hit. I’d originally gotten them for my brother and I to have a “snowball fight” with but by the end of the day one of the shooters had been abused so much it broke and there were tiny snowballs EVERYWHERE! That was a blast because we all got to act like kids.

Then it kind of wound down for a while until all the younger adults started drinking and we decided to play Cards Against Humanity… The alcohol loosened up most to allow them to say some of those things. That was funny to see. Grown men, who attend church and give Christian books as gifts reading some of those answers. Luckily, I don’t get embarrassed so I was having a ball.

Boxing day, which is the day after Christmas, was a lot less crazy. I’d left my brothers and (tears) my niece, to go to my BFF’s and her new husbands new house with all her family. She and I exchanged gifts and I got to tell her that she’s coming with me to New York as my gift to her. My friend from the northeast is sending me there as a gift and I am paying it forward. I’m not sure I’d want to see that city with anyone but my BFF. It just wouldn’t be the same. Now, we have something to look forward to and plan.

I should have probably posted a bit each day rather than bombard you with everything all at once and this wouldn’t be so crazy long but I literally passed out each night. I didn’t even do my nightly rituals. Now, for the rest of this weekend and hopefully, the rest of this week, I am hibernating. I am in need of some r&r. When I got home today, after I’d dropped my stuff off and then gone to meet friends for dinner, I’d come home and put all my new things away, neatly and for the first time in days I’d gotten a chance to sit and I realized that I can no longer move. My muscles are sore. My back is hurting and my feet hate me but I wouldn’t have changed a thing over these last few days. I enjoyed myself more than I ever thought I would.

It’s almost 2 a.m. Sunday morning and can’t believe my eyes are still open. I’m going to sleep soon until I just can’t sleep anymore. I hope you all had a wonderful time and I’m sorry but not for this long post. This is one that I want to remember. More later.

Holiday Dreams and New Years Wishes…

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting on the floor next to a fireplace and I was wrapping my In-laws gifts. My other half was sitting on the couch halfway watching TV and we were making jokes, laughing and sharing stories of our past Christmases. This is weird to me because I’ve never done that with any man I’ve dated. I, kind of, made it a point to check out a few days before the holidays so I wouldn’t have to deal with the holiday as a couple. Ironic, since this years it’s all that’s been on my mind.

I spent the evening packing, cleaning up a bit and doing a mental inventory of what I needed to remember tomorrow. I was taking care to wrap my skin care and makeup so it doesn’t leak everywhere and being bombarded with texts. Everyone with the question, “Hey, what are you doing? Do you have time to get together?” I guess I needed some alone time. But I’ll have plenty to do when I get back.

I’ve been inundated with “peaceful and meditative” gifts. Lots of art items, coloring books & pencils, essential oils and a diffuser, book and other things. In theory, when I get back, I have all the elements to be a zen master. We shall see. I’ve got the board games, the Christmas coffee cake and a few surprise items that I ONLY have because I will be entertaining my niece. That, I am happy about.

I realized that this will be the first year in a couple that I won’t have a surprise guest at my home upon my return. I kind of thought that might have become some sort of a tradition. I suppose that wish has expired. I wish I could say that something more substantial and more meaningful has replaced that but it has not. This is the time of year to make amends, to be thankful or to right the wrongs but all I can do is just state that I miss what I’ve had for the last two years and it’s hard to not have it this year. Again, this must be where “Everything happens, happens for a reason”. Sometimes I want to throat-punch the person who came up with that phrase, other times I just nod my head and say, “Yep, of course it does”.

I will say that I am still in the holiday spirit, even though it might not sound like it. I have my Snoopy and Elf Christmas shirts packed with my red chuck all stars. I have all things ready to be moved into my car and hopefully a decent start off in the morning. Before I leave though I wanted to say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all. I wanted to thank you for reading these weird, boring, sometimes comical parts of my life.

I hope that you are all surrounded by loved ones, happy and content. Be grateful for what you have, right now, today. One day it might not be there and you’ll wish it was taken care of better. Hugs to you all (and I’m not even a hugger). More later. Good night.

funny-christmas-cards-vqszk7pg

funny-christmas-cartoon-pictures-agqzoxrd

Funny-Christmas-Joke-092

funny-christmas-pictures-26

Funny-Christmas-Quote-051

Finally time to rest, for a minute or two.

I’ve officially finished shopping, wrapping and buying anything for a while. I’m so happy to be done with it all. I like to buy things but I’m not a fan of the whole shopping experience especially when there’s so much retail bitchiness out there. I’ve witness two fights over parking spots, tug of war over the last item on a shelf and people stealing. Since when was all that supposed to be in the Christmas spirit? I think next year I’ll suggest that we all just send each other photos of the things that we WOULD buy for each other and then share a phone call or two instead. It’s not that I’m not in the spirit this year, actually I am more than the last several. I’ve “Olaf’ed from Frozen” my nails for my niece. I’m bringing games and I will cook something.

Speaking of games, I broken down and purchases Cards Against Humanity and have to say that while playing this today, I almost peed twice. It’s absolutely a game that I got into but I’m a pretty competitive person so I can get into anything as long as there is a winner. I’ll be off soon on my three day, two night excursion and the one thing I can say is that with all the crap I have to pack and take with me, I miss my old car a bit however, my new one has total new energy in it so it’s an even trade for less trunk space.

I’ve already been given a few things like makeup, jewelry, cash and oils but there’s still things that I really, really want that no one knows about. I still need my dished done, my laundry done and my home a bit cleaner. Those are the things that I would tell Santa to bring me if he could. I might even skip the request for a husband if I could get a housekeeper instead. Okay, that’s not true but if he could bring me one that cleaners, cooked and massaged my very soar shoulders that would be the best gift ever.

I digress. I went to a friends house earlier and her little girl was upset and crying. I think she’s four. Right before I left she handed me this yellow gemstone, out of no where. I found it appropriate since the gemstones means the following, “Clarity for decision making, relief from burnout, panic nervousness, exhaustion, protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather.” I think it’s probably something that we could all use around this time of year but I do have to say that I’m pretty bummed that it won’t be snowing this year or even coming close. Alright, I don’t ever actually expect it to snow here but I would like weather that warrants gloves, boots and thick sweaters and not shorts and t-shirts. If I wanted a warm winter, I’d go vacation on an island somewhere with my Christmas cash. Saying that above makes me feel guilty that I never made it to Goodwill or somewhere to donate my overflowing garbage bags full of donations. I had every intent to do that before I left. That will be first on my to-do list when I get back.

So on to traditions. My family used to have this crazy tradition where we’d open each gift separately from stocking to tree. It would take hours. Once, we were doing it till 3 in the morning. Friends would come over throughout the day and just sit back and watch what we’d do and in normal British tradition we’d have mini-breaks to smoke, refill drinks or eat sausage rolls or minced pies (gross). Then, my brother married into a family that was a lot different than that and for years we’ve had a combined Christmas where we eat at my brother’s mother-in-laws house on the eve then on Christmas day would either be at my parents or brothers. Now it’s at my brothers since his house is huge and everyone opens one gift separately and the rest you just tear open. Our tradition was tedious but they’re is hectic. I’m sure somewhere in between is a compromise.

That’s something that I say a lot. I like the idea of a tradition. My parents, brother and I still have a few British traditions like crackers, brandy butter (yum) and cheese and port afterward but I’d like to start my own with my own family. I guess I have one and that’s with my BFF. She and I usually have our Christmas the day after on Boxing day. That’s about it though. I like things that I have that are just mine and one other. I like the idea that there’s some sort of structure or routine that’s just ours. I like tradition, what can I say…

There is one little gift that I’m super excited about though. It’s one for just my brother and I. I bought a snowball shooter, or two of them for us to play shoot each other with, with extra snowballs. Yep, there’s a lot about me that’s still a kid. I don’t ever want to lose that child-like quality about myself. Whether it’s snowball fights, water gun fights or just being a bit silly I want to have all those things with someone that I can start traditions with too. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, so this diatribe of holiday spirit has gone on way too long. I’m going to finish a bit of clearing up, pray for things that I might never get and sleep. Hope you are all enjoying this time.

6e903f70ccf29ea022569b1c25d6fb67

two-kids-having-snowball-fight-18897591

Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

20937-permission-granted-to-surround-yourself-with-people-who-are

nurturing-quotes-1

nurturing-your-dreams

Missing things and feeling like a kid…

My neighbors that just moved in next door are so cute. They argue like siblings but they are obviously completely in love with each other. Their relationship makes me miss that type of relationships. The one where you can argue, wrestle, scream and then laugh and hug and kiss. It’s been way too long since I’ve had a fun, bonding relationship like that. That makes me miss it way too much. They are enviably too cute. I can almost not remember the days when I had fun like that. Most of the men I’ve been around and dated just wouldn’t understand that type of “thing”. Obviously I’ve spent too much time with the wrong ones.

I’ve put myself on a sabbatical again to try to get away from the negative crap and that comes from others. The men and their need to dominate in all things and chase dreams of money and power is just something I’m not into and find so terribly unappealing. If I have to have another dinner with someone talking about their stocks and 3rd quarter earnings I’m going to just go throat punch them all. I’m also so tired of trying to have a discussion about good music and then they bring up something so mainstream you assume that the first song that plays on their music playlist is Adele’s Hello. It’s a great song but come on people there’s so much more music out there and if I hear that song one more time I’m going to just scream. When someone says they’re a “music lover” or their library must have something other than top 40, the Weeknd and Adele… Just staying an annoyance here. But moving on…

I’m not really sure what I’m going to replace that time with, since it was a lot of my free time but something healthy. Obviously travel is in the near future for the holidays but I really do want just one weekend to be free, a kid again and my craving for unpredictability is overwhelming. I’m a slave to routine but am needing to have something shock me. People don’t shock me, especially men. Sometimes, on these dates, I felt like I could have been one of those pull string toys that have about 10 preset responses. Pull my string and any one of my replies would be acceptable because NOTHING shocks me anymore.

That’s why it’s nice to have a carefree, feeling like a kid again weekend. Al though it seems like every time I’m around my family, which is a lot lately, I resort back to this teenager. I’m the youngest one there who’s still single and I feel like everyone has to check to make sure I’m eating properly, if my school work is getting done or if I need a few extra bucks allowance. I almost want to eat at the kids table during the holidays just so it feels right.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate it all but it’s a contrast of not having much of a childhood and now feeling like I’ve never left it. Strange place to be and even harder to explain. I’m pretty sure that if I’m not in some sort of a relationship where I don’t mind bringing my date to the family next year, I’m going to just take a two month cruise or trip somewhere else instead.

That’s a strange thought. I’ve never actually taken anyone to my holidays, not intentionally anyway. There’s only one guy I would have ever brought and I think I asked him once but other than that my family never usually gets to meet my dates. That’s not true, they usually get to meet them accidentally. That’s a whole other story but for another night.

I’ve actually completed my adult tasks for the day, dishes, work and I’ll be finishing up my exercise soon then it’s meditation and some sort of TV that will be on in the background as I play around on my computer not paying any attention to it what-so-ever. I don’t actually remember the last thing I watched and actually paid attention to.

It was an early post for me tonight in hopes of doing something predictably important later. Hope you’re all having a wonderful week.

quote-without-music-to-decorate-it-time-is-just-a-bunch-of-boring-production-deadlines-or-dates-by-which-frank-zappa-204133

quote-it-s-like-being-at-the-kids-table-at-thanksgiving-you-can-put-your-elbows-on-it-you-don-t-have-john-hughes-88890