The definition of insanity…

By now, we all the know definition of insanity right? Except according to Merriam Webster it’s not what we are taught that it is. The common definition is something like “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” but according to the dictionary it’s more like, “something utterly foolish or unreasonable”. Either way, I believe that I’ve reached a level of insanity.

What do I honestly think would happen by using gemstones, burning candles, or saying prayers? Well, I expected something other than the same. The truth is though I’m not entirely sure what I even want anyway. Maybe I know what I don’t want more.

I know that I don’t want typical. I don’t want disappointment. I don’t want to feel not good enough or shallow. I don’t want to be seen as weak or insignificant. Those “don’t wants” are easy to come by. If you forced me to tell you what I want it would be probably to be happily surprised by life and people. I want to wake up to a morning that I look forward to more than what my dreams might offer. I want something with someone that just mine. I want a life that makes me happy. Is that really too much to ask?

There’s also a lot of things that I want to change inside but changing yourself is probably one of the hardest things you can do. Don’t get me wrong, I like myself. On a good day I might even go so far as to say that I love myself. But I’m not good with emotions or confiding in people. You know this. I need people in my life that tell me, “Look, I get that you suck at communicating but I WANT you to talk to me.” I need to be forced by someone who actually means it.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately after something as simple as a hair appointment. That seems strange right? But first, let me explain the hair appointment. I have lived my hair life in probably every color possible but my fondest memories have all been as a blonde. In my opinion, blondes really do have more fun. But I started trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I knew why I’d done it. I was trying to make myself be someone that I wasn’t for someone that didn’t even acknowledge me as a woman. I was trying to make him notice me again and because of that I’d lost myself in the process.

Strange right? It’s only hair? Well, it wasn’t to me. I took a long look in the mirror a couple months ago and realized that I didn’t recognize myself, metaphorically and physically. I had become as bland and boring as my hair color. So, I knew that when I made the decision to go back to who I remember myself as it was actually more about me moving on and realizing that he was never going to notice me no matter what I did. It was a symbol of me letting go.

As sad as the phrase, “letting go” seems it’s actually helped. But I did all this research and looked through all these reviews and found this salon that I really liked. The downside was that it was pricey and it was in a snobby part of town but I went anyway. My first impression was just that. It and the clientele and the employees where all kind of pricey and snobby.

After my first consultation I didn’t really feel any different about it but my stylist and I came up with a plan for what I wanted. I’d be back in a couple weeks. The night I came back was an entirely different feel. For some reason, the employees gravitated towards my stylist and I and by the time my appointment was over we all seemed like long lost friends and they were all so open with me that it made me think.

That’s always been a “gift” that people I’ve never met before or don’t really know open up to me. Sometimes it’s not been a good gift. There’s things people have told me that they should never even share with their loved ones but I guess I’m grateful that they seem to confide in me. But it had me wondering why it’s so hard for me to be emotional or seen as someone that shares or is open.

If I wanted to I guess I could blame it on my up bringing. We weren’t a family that shared things. Ever. But then, not that long ago, I’d asked my brother if he’d ever been accused of not sharing enough and he’d said no. So that theory is out the window. I know that I’ve mad people mad or upset because I didn’t share things. My BFF has been vocal about that and so has my GBF and my boss.

I suppose that lately I’ve known that my last real, most honest, thing I’ve ever said is something that I’ve regretted saying so that doesn’t help. I don’t know why my barriers are up so thick. I’ve had shitty things happen in my life but I’ve never really had a shitty dating relationship with someone that I’ve dated that would have left these walls up so high. I’m sure I have to delve much more into this but what I realize is that someone who deserves me, the man I’m meant to be with, will be someone that has the power and strength to break down these walls I’ve built up. Someone who doesn’t even try is someone that I don’t need in my life because, and here’s my most honest thing to say tonight, I don’t have the strength in me to do it on my own.

So I guess, without too much trying, I can figure out what I DO need in my life but it’s mostly because I know what I don’t. Everyone gets a learning curse. With me though, I need a little bit of help with my emotional learning curse. Right now, it’s just one of my many flaws that I have. Until someone has a heart-to-heart with me about this flaw I guess that it’ll continue, until the right person comes along with a large sledge hammer. Just as there careful not to hit my heart along with it.

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Time is fleeting… As well as other things.

My mind has not been on writing for a while and it’s kind of rare. There’s been a few things that have happened since the last emotional download. First, THE friend has been at my home for a week and a half. I am happy to have his there. I like being able to come home and there being another body there; however, it’s made me realize a lot.

Let me backtrack a bit. Last Tuesday I’d woken up to a text from my old mechanic. I’ve not seen him in a long time and he sent some messages about “hey where ya been?” “I miss ya”. He never knew me that well but we had a great vibe. The texting went on and he’d asked me out.  He’s not my type and I told him that I wasn’t interested.

The day after that, I’d seen someone that I worked with and he’d asked me out. He said he’d remember that we’d always had fun and wanted to “recreate” that momentum. Fast forward a few days and I go out, Friday night, with some friends. We went to a shitty dive bar and while it’s not actually hard to get hit on with drunk men at that place it was ego boosting. By the time that I got home, a bit drunk and saw THE friend there I realized that this is all there will be, with him.

I have options, a lot. This isn’t because I look like a super model because I don’t. It’s not because I have tons of money because I don’t. It’s not because I have a great car, big house or other tangible items because I don’t. This is all because people, men, actually like my personality and find it fun to be around me. This is something that I’d forgotten, I guess.

I realized that of all the things I WAS willing to do for THE friend, there would never be an equality to our relationship. He would NEVER appreciate the human that I am and he will never fully appreciate the things I have done, or would do for him. I realized early on that it really has never mattered which warm body he’s sitting next to. I literally could have “Freaky Friday’ed” myself with anyone and he would never have realized it wasn’t me any longer.

Then, I thought about the person he makes me become when I’m with him. I become passive-aggressive because being assertive doesn’t make a difference. I say things that I’d normally never say because he literally hurts my feelings all the time. That last sentence sounds like such an elementary thing to say. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

These last few months have been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been so afraid of saying things that might hurt him, or saying the truth because I’ve been so afraid of him leaving and I never see him again. The difference now is that I don’t “have” him. He’s never truly with me when he’s even actually WITH me. He becomes complacent about me, my home and everything. That is not ok.

For whatever reason that he has actually been at my home for the last week and a half it’s never been about me. That is plainly clear. In fact, it was almost apparent that when I actually did come home there was this err of almost disappointment on his face, like “Oh shit. Now I have to try to interact? Fuck!”. It was hurtful to begin with but then I just tried to ignore it knowing that there was obviously a reason that he was there which had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was escaping something, maybe he didn’t have something at his home or maybe he just wanted to “be” somewhere else.

My need for articulation has gone. My need to make him realize that I’m awesome has gone. My need for anything is gone. There was a point where I WOULD have done anything he needed but it’s no longer a position that I care to be in because I realize that whatever action, favor or emotion that I freely gave to him, doesn’t change a thing.

I think that I looked at this last week and a half as an “old married couple” experience which it did seem for a while but what I liked about it was I felt coupled when I realistically should have just felt “roommated”. 

My heart or my emotions are no longer in control. The only thing that I’m listening to is my mind and my gut which both tell me that every single bit of awesomeness that I have will never be appreciated by him what-so-ever. It will never matter to him who I really am. He’ll never greet me warmly when I walk through the door. He’ll never say “bless you” when I sneeze. He’ll never treat my home, my belongings or myself as I deserve.

These realizations have probably come way too late. I’ve spent a long time wondering, “Why am I not good enough”. When this entire time I should have only been wondering, “What’s next? I’m ready!” Because of emotions that I felt for him it’s gotten me to a place where I am ready, happy and excited for my next relationship. I’ll never be sad that happened. I am grateful for the experience.

So, I wore my heart on my sleeve around him. I don’t even wish that one day he’ll figure out just what he had in me. I don’t wish that he regret not “trying” with me. I literally don’t think, or wish anything about “us” or our “ship” any longer. I am already preparing to go home tonight to a messy, empty house and I’ll start to pick up the pieces he’s left behind little by little and I won’t even be mad at the numerous little signs of disrespect that he’ll have no doubt left all around my home. 

I know that he might never find a strong enough female that will love him completely, accept ALL his faults and flaws and still want to come home to him every single night like I would have. I will pray for him to find that person though, as I would hope he’s done for me or will do. But in my life, complacency is no longer an option. 

This is a new era my friends. I finally don’t care. That is truly a good thing. I promise. He will always have access to my life and my home but no longer my heart. You treat something poorly for long enough you lose it. I hope that’s a lesson to everyone. 

May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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Making Changes… For the Sake of Love.

Today was an interesting day. I won’t even go into the work stuff. Blah, don’t want to think about that but I will say that my boss and I (the asshole) will be competing against each other in the gallon of water a day challenge. Once I explained to him that liquor doesn’t count I think he thought that he might just not win this one.

After work though, on the way to dinner, my “arm candy” man called. I talked about him before in another post (Arm Candy Post) basically he was this hot rich dude that I would take to charity benefit things mostly because he’d donate a crap load of money if I’d ask him to. We’ve not spoken in a while but he’d called to update me on his life. He is having a baby and this is completely unexpected. I was happy for him but he’d explained that he didn’t really get along with the mother of his soon to be child. Obviously, they got on well enough.

Fighting or arguing, is passion to me. Well, it depends on who it’s with I guess but he’s just a really laid back guy and she’s apparently crazy but not his brand of crazy. So I’d asked what it was that he didn’t like. He named off a few good points but a few were pretty trivial, like he was just trying to pick out stuff he didn’t like. Then he said, “I can’t ask her to change can I?”. Hmm, good question. My response was, “Yes, depending on the issue”. Then he’d ask me what would be acceptable.

So I broke it down like this… If someone wanted me to change something about myself that was harming to me then I would do it. For instance, if they asked me to quit smoking, I would do it for a man I was serious about. But if they wanted me to change my clothes or hair or something like that, that’s just shitty. I’ve never dated a guy and said “If you’d only wear this or grow your hair out or shave your chest”. But I have said “Hey you need to stop drinking so much, doing drugs or eat better.”

There’s a line that is allowed to be crossed when you’re with someone like that. It goes beyond a friendship and into a potential partnering. Proving you’re not dating for sport, anyone you date could or should be someone that you see yourself sharing a life with. Sharing a life means they get to know the intimate details of your health problems, maybe sharing a credit card or bank account and at the very least knowing a password or two. So, yes, I went on to explain if I was serious about someone then I’d willing change whatever I needed to.

This news apparently shocked him. Which is funny since it’s the second time that I’ve said that this month and shocked someone. My friend from the northeast believes that whoever is able to “lock me down” might just be the strongest, greatest man on earth. That’s going a bid overboard and I think he’d had too much to drink when he said that but it is nice to know that someone feels that way.

We’d ended the conversation while I was out having dinner and then continued it when I was on my way home. I had basically just reiterated everything I’d said before and told him that maybe, just maybe this was his opportunity to change for the better. There was never much wrong with him, except for the fact that he was a playboy, he’d even been to the actual Playboy mansion, to prove my point. That’s the reason I never hooked up with him. He’d been around the block way too many times. Actually he never went around the same block twice for what it’s worth, except for this one.

I’m not sure I changed his mind at all or made him understand anything new but I’m hoping my assistance helped him. It’s crazy the things you’ll do for love. The changes you’ll do for love. I realized when I got home that he was the owner of one of my favorite shirts. It’s a huge Polo jeans shirt which I wear to bed and I never remembered where I’d gotten it till now. In that moment, that specific moment, I realized how sad it was that I didn’t have any real thing in my home that came from someone that I loved. I’ve always made such a point to give forgotten or left items back that I’m left with nothing of someone else’s. I mean, I have gifts from men but nothing that belongs to them that I have. For some reason that seems sad to me tonight.

Well, that was the most interesting part of my night I guess. Even with the solar eclipse tonight, there’s been no earth shattering event. I guess that’s good or not. I don’t even know anymore. It’s late. I’m going to run and then, hopefully, fall into a dream state that I won’t want to be woken from.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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SSB and strange addictions…

Sex and the City coined the phrase “SSB” or secret single behavior. What do you do when no ones looking? So one of my strange SSBs is that I am addicted to reading the “Missed Connections” in Craigslist. Yes, I am completely aware that the majority of these are fake or just plain stupid but that’s my secret social network addiction.

For years now, there’s been one guy that’s quoted music lyrics. He doesn’t do it often and I’m not even sure he’s putting them out to anyone specific but he always chooses great songs. But as far as the rest of the missed connections go, I’m not really sure why I like to read those. I guess it’s always nice to see others putting themselves out there and searching for something.

I guess we are all searching for something right? Even when we think our lives are great, there’s always something else out there and sometimes it might be a missed connection, or a better job, or a better “other half”. We are never satisfied which what we have which is good and bad. On one hand, never being satisfied is what challenges us to do better; however, on the other hand, always assuming there’s something better out there is why people get cheated on, don’t realize what they have until it’s gone or just plainly eff up crap in their life. This would be because they’re always look ahead instead of right next to them.

I’m guilty of the same. I think we all are. As humans we are flawed. We screw things up and we make mistakes. Sometimes, a lot of them. But lately, I’ve been really searching and talking to people about their beliefs and they feel they need to work on in themselves. One thing I’ve heard a lot is empathy, forgiveness and guilt. People tell me that they wish they could forgive people easier. They wish they could feel a bit more empathetic towards others and that they could forgive others. These happen to all be what I’ve been working on as well.

There are a lot of people that I need to forgive and I’ve worked out a lot of that lately. Some of these people are no longer on this earth so writing things out and burning those thoughts seems to help with those things. The people that are still here and that I still see are easier because their goodness now shows that they can change. The ones that I don’t see any longer, those I just pray for and wish them well.

The empathy part of me, well, as much as I’m a cold person on the outside, I’m very almost overly empathetic. That’s also an Aquarius trait. We seem cold and distant but we feel everything. I was told that as a child I would look after my teddy bears as they were people and if one fell was stepped on or thrown then I would cry. I don’t remember this but I believe it. I feel more than I should and especially lately. Which is why I’m becoming masterful at meditation.

The guilt, something we all feel about something. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. I feel guilty about situations from my past that I can’t change. The only thing I can do now is make up for my guilt by being a good human.

What does my version of being a good human consist of these days? I’ve kind of made a mantra for myself lately that I’ve been living by and it’s been helping. Here it is:

I will donate my time and personal items to the needy.
I will not turn my back on a friend in need.
I will meditate each day and pray for those around me and myself.
I will write to help me through my confused mind.
I will try to change the things that are not healthy in me and help the good things about me grow.

Those are just a few things that I’m working on. Myself, I’m a work in progress. Change, exactly how much change is needed to being a good human? And is it acceptable to ask someone else to change as well? Well, this depends on what the person is doing. If they are doing something that is harming themselves or others then yes, this is acceptable to ask but if this is part of their makeup and it doesn’t cause harm to someone else then no. No one should be asked to change who they are and it is all part of acceptance. You have to take the good and the bad with people.

There is no one that I am changing for. I just know that I need to better myself. We are never perfect and I’m happy with who I am and if someone else isn’t that is none of my business. If someone chooses to take you for who you are, no exceptions than they are a true friend. There are lots of selfish, narcissistic and fake humans out there and a lot of times they are disguised as someone they are not. Be careful for those humans. These are the ones that continue to make mistakes, use people or don’t give themselves as they should to others but then go in and ask for forgiveness, knowing that they’ll do it all again.

I’ve known a few of these people and some have come through business channels. I used to sit back and hope that karma would come quickly but now I realize that what happens to them or how they handle their situation is none of business. In fact, I’m learning that there’s a lot of things that I really shouldn’t and don’t care to know. If people choose to tell me their stories then I will be more than happy to listen but others wise, it’s of no importance to me.

You know of my allergy to social media. It’s not just an allergy but an aversion and I get bored easily. But my real, true friends don’t even use it much anyway so it’s nice to actually catch up with people that don’t say “Didn’t you see? I posted it.” I was talking with my friend in the northeast the other day and not once did we discuss anything about what someone posted. It was all new information and catching up. We’ve been talking about him moving back to Austin next year and it might be about the same time that I do. Hopefully, we’ll be able to work full time together.

Houston has become a stagnant wasteland for me. Most of my real relationships are in Austin anyway and I think it’s just about time to move. Austin is healthier and will bring much needed change. I think this town has become toxic to me but my move is at least six months away so this still gives me time to do all the growing and changing I need to do here. Although, I can’t say that moving away to a deserted island still doesn’t have its perks.

Today is good. It might not stay that way all day but for right now, it’s good. I’m in a good place and I have purposely kept my weekend free so that I can, hopefully, not do a darn thing. I want to enjoy the thunderstorm tomorrow and not have any place that I actually HAVE to be. Hopefully, this plan will not change.

Hope you are all having a great day. 🙂
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Signs of maturity and other things I’ve learned…

As I grow older there’s things that show signs of growing up, not just growing up but maturing. The first and foremost thing is the acceptance of responsibility. Basically owning up to your wrongs without hesitation and without excuses and apologizing. I you eff up, say you’re sorry and prove it from that point on that you are sorry. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. Another sign of maturing is letting go of anger, resentment, jealous and realizing what is right in front of you and what you actually have instead of coveting someone else’s anything.

In the same token you also have to be willing to understand others, understand their flaws, accept them for who they are and move on. This does not mean that you have to keep them in your life especially if they’ve harmed you in anyway but you can at least learn to let go of the negativity. Don’t judge anyone. Don’t speak badly of anyone and don’t flaunt yourself or your belongings with the intent to make others want your life. I think all that is shallow and leaves no room for a true existence.

I thought about all this today because someone sent me this… “The older you get, the more you realize that it isn’t about material things, or pride or ego. It’s about our hearts and who they beat for.” This quote couldn’t be any more true today. I’m not perfect and I have a hard time letting go of the things that hurt me the most. It’s true. I’m working on that. I’m also working on making amends for the things that I’ve done wrong and no I’m not in some 12-step anything. I just figure that I can complain about my life and where it is right now if I don’t change anything in it.

I’ve had another eye-opening predictable weekend. But I suppose that predictable is good because as much as there were no good surprises, there were also no bad ones either. It’s been very low-key. But it’s been the weekend that I needed. A busy week ahead with half of it planned out already, I really hope that my new normal starts to feel ok soon.

I hope you’ve all had a great weekend and have a great week. Good night.

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