Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.


When the fight is gone…

You know when things are really and truly over? It’s when there’s nothing left in you to fight anymore. When you’re so tired and have become apathetic to the entire situation. That has come fast this time and he’ll never even know. He’ll never know that this isn’t about what he thinks it is, rather it’s about paying people back for what their worth.

You know, I’ve broken up with a few men in my time but I’ve never really “broken up” with a friend. It’s a strange thought to realize that this is finally the last tiny, thin straw that broke my back. There’s nothing that can stop this process unless a miracle happens. Although, I don’t want a miracle wasted on something that was so unprecious to someone else. That seems like a waste.

I’m better than I was yesterday but hopefully not as good as I’ll be tomorrow. I ended up opting for my GBF last night (Gay Best Friend) instead of a date with my ex and decided that I was done talking about my “friend” anymore. I didn’t want to hear “give him another chance” one… more… time… So when he asked, “How was your day?” I lied. I said it was good and went into some rant about some article I’d read on something that mattered to me at the time.

A great question came up about someone else yesterday and that was “If you could have watch a movie on how this ends, before it started, would you go back and have done anything different?” That’s a tough question because I hate regrets and I usually say that everything happens for a reason. A year ago, I would have said no, I’d have done everything the same but today my answer is different. While there’s things I’ve learned from this particular “friendship” there’s also a lot that I would have done differently. I think I, unintentionally, became a doormat for the first time in my life because of a ridiculous emotion called love… I would have never told him that I felt anything for him, although he did say the “L word” first but I also wouldn’t have let him in nearly as much of my head, my heart or my space as I did.

I hate that I do regret some of the choices I’ve made. I hate the anger that I’ve had and the hurt. No one should ever have the power to do that to you whether it be intentional or not. People say “Boys are just oblivious.” This, to me, in untrue. Humans have the capacity to understand and realize their flaws, faults and to fix things at some point in there life and to make up for their wrongs. So, when something is done to harm another and it’s never made right then it just becomes that persons mistake because it’s what cost them a true, caring, loyal, trustworthy friend.

This friendship will eventually become a distant memory of a time that I will have written off but until it’s completely out of my system then my therapy is writing out my emotions here. These posts will get less and less and the good things, people and true friends in my life with overpower all other things. I just need to get there and today I’m a little bit closer.

I might bring myself to go into detail one day but for now, I’m just trying to purge the negativity out. Things will get better when that is gone and I’ll be ok.

Hope you’re all having a great day.

I’m actually enjoying listen to hard core metal today but I like this song so it’s what I leave you with right now.