Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 9

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Does it count if you complain in your head while you fantasize about kicking some a-hole in the jewels? If it doesn’t then Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I was still so exhausted when I got home I thought long and hard about taking a nap but instead threw my clothes on and did 55 minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check, so far. I still have a few hours before sleep so hopefully I’ll get all this done.

I’ve had this weird feeling all day. I’m not really sure where it’s coming from but the voices all around me are not helping. No, I don’t mean the voices in my head. This would be one of the downsides to living in an apartment complex. Apparently some neighbors are fighting about something. Other neighbors are stoned. It’s usually pretty quiet around here but not right now.

This was all fine when I was working out because I zone out but now I’m sitting trying to work and that’s not working. For a while I was getting bombarded by texts so I “airplane moded” my phone. I do that now. A lot. I guess that’s a bit of me trying to control my world. Which I still painstakingly still can’t do much. Plus my I didn’t sleep well last night. I was just tossing and turning for no real reason. I guess that weird feeling started last night.

My weekends trying to fill out again, so quickly with appointments but I’ve really started to appreciate the surprises, the last minute “hey lets do this right now” texts. Sounds bad to the ones that plan out an evening with prior notice but I need something new in my life right now. I even thought about turning my hair pink again just to see something different. Why do I crave different so much?

My BFF and I haven’t talked in a while. Granted, the last time we spoke was for seven hours total but we don’t really know what’s going on with each other except we’re both excruciatingly busy. She’ll randomly text me “Good morning sunshine. How are you?” I’ll response with “Good morning moonshine, tired and busy you?” and her reply is usually “same 😦 ) We usually spent Memorial Day weekend together and this year she’ll be coming here to see a show. So we’ll get to see each other at a loud, hot concert and with her family which stresses her out. This should be entertaining or at the least interesting.

My post is even boring tonight and I met a guy today. He was attractive but couldn’t regurgitate anything that he said because I wasn’t even listening. I’m going to rummage round my home a bit to see if anything exciting pops out. Hope you’re having an exciting week.

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Cleaning Up and Reinventing the Normal. 

One of the guys from work was nice enough to bring in a stomach bug from one of their kids and pass it on to me. I’ve been a mess for two days now and finally starting to feel better now. Being sick gives you time to do nothing, which usually I hate. Today it gave me time to work on my to-do list. Problem is I’m great at making the list but not so good on the follow through.

I started with something small, like cleaning up my phone. This is the first time ever that I’ve kept all text messages without deleting them. I still kept them today but it makes me feel like my phones a mess. Some people like to keep conversations so that they can come back to them later and say, “See, I told you I said that”. I hate to be the “I told you so” person so I have no reason for keeping them. I went to my “favorites” for some reason. I never use that feature but there’s only four people there. My BFF, my boss, brother and my GBF. I should probably actually put more of my favorite people in that list but I don’t really care about it. I’d put THE friend in there because he is one of my favorite people but I think I’m still scared that he won’t stick around so I don’t.

Other things that made it to my to-do list? I want to actually clean my patio and make it a nice sitting area so that I’ll stop smoking in my place. I know that’s gross but I walk around so frequently without pants on I can’t really step outside the front door. Every once in a while I’ll go out there and watch the stars or the moon or rain. I like to be one with nature and for some reason, lately, I’ve really wanted to go camping or on a hike or something. Some would say that they could never see me doing that stuff but I actually like it. I’d leave my flat iron at home and take a walk in the wild for a day or two. Just as long as it’s not the normal. You know how I hate boring.

Truth is, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do that doesn’t really seem like me but I don’t really have many adventurous friends. They’re all settled with family and those days are past. I like being spontaneous. THE friend is spontaneous, like this past weekend. I had fun doing things I hadn’t done before. Problem there is, in my mind, he’ll leave again and then I’ll be left with all these ideas of stuff we COULD have done. I don’t want that again. So I’m cautions in my planning. I wish I could be relaxed about us and just enjoy each moment. Easier said than done. There’s nothing tethering us to each other so there will always be that possibility. In my mind he’s always off trying to find someone new to occupy his time with and I’m trying to find someone to replace him when he leaves. That’s kind of shitty huh?

I really need to take a good hot bath but don’t have the energy. Being sick takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I’m always sick though. To add to my future husband list, I’d like him to get me healthy or at least help me get healthier. It’s amazing, I’ve dated three personal trainers in my life and I’m still not close to where I want to be. It’s a lot harder than you think it is. I’d also like to add personal grocery shopper to that list and someone who records movies for me to watch later. Apparently being sick makes me think of all the things I want in a man. I just looked at the weather and it makes me a little happy to know that it’s going to rain. I really love the rain. I’m going to try to walk a trail tomorrow night, even in the rain. I’ve missed it. Walking and running are my meditation.

It’s weird when I think of all these things that go into my future husband list and with each item I also think about the things that I’d do for him as well. I read this article the other day about “flipping the switch” and the man being a stay at home ‘whatever’ and the woman working. It talked about social norms and how things are so much different now. Just as all ‘ab-normal’ relationships intrigue me so does this. I’ve always been an independent woman and the idea of not working freaks me out. If my other half did all the things that the past female role was for then I’d be ok with that. Even with having kids, he’d provide the ingredients, I’d cook he bun and he’d nurture it, I’d be ok with that too. I just that’s why I’d always dated these dominant assholes that believed in the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen roles because I always knew I’d never fall for it. No, I want those things and the tables turn. I hate cooking and cleaning but I like to work. See how that works?

The things I think about as I’m living in the bathroom for two days. Oh well, one can wish. I’ve just been invited to another wedding in a few weeks. Those are always fun without a date but my BFF will be there so we can eff off and do stupid shit together. Who knows, maybe we’ll actually find some decent men to hang around for the night.

Okay, so all that was a bunch of random crap I felt like writing tonight. I have no real words that are coming up anymore. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Bland days and my OCDness…

Today has been an utterly bland day. Nothing crazy at work, came home after, watched a bit of TV, worked out. Absolutely nothing of any importance happened today. Sometimes my horoscope just makes me laugh. It’s a lot like the weatherman, mostly wrong but strangely interesting to listen to. Well, actually it said something about ‘if you choose to stay home today that’s ok but if you don’t you might just met the next love of your life’ or some other BS. And shockingly, I still stayed in.

One main reason that I stayed home tonight is because my body has been betraying me lately. I’m not sure if it’s because my sleep sucks, my change in health habits or emotional stress but it’s not been feeling right for a few days. I do notice that when I am under emotional stress, anger, sadness or pain my OCD goes crazy or crazier.

I don’t really remember being this OCD about things as a kid. It’s gotten worse through the years and it mainly focuses on numbers. I suppose that’s why I became an accountant, sort of (one of my many hats). My number is five. Someone told me once that this is a God number. I don’t really know what that meant but she said it was good. This started out to be a volume thing. If the TV or radio had a number volume it had to be on something divisible by five. But lately, I’ve been counting my steps a lot. If I’m at work and go outside for a bit I have to walk 500 steps. If I’m sitting at home I have to get up and walk 1,000 steps every hour.

It usually happens only when I’m alone and I’m sure there’s some sort of therapy to learn from this but if I don’t do those things I don’t go crazy or anything. I don’t really have any other OCD moments. I don’t have to turn the knob 4 times or check the stove 8 times or anything. I am usually paranoid that I’ve left my hair straightener on but I assume that’s a fear that a lot of women probably have.

Even feeling let down by my body today, I still ran and I do feel better now. While I was running I remembered that the Oscars are this weekend. This will be a year that I’ve seen more of the Oscar nominated movies than ever before and I’ve seen them with THE friend. He’s the only person I go to the movies with. Some of the movies were great and some not so much. I’m usually someone who has to have things blowing up or lots of sex in a movie to keep my attention but that’s one thing that he’s done for me. I’ve entertained seeing a lot more movies that I might never have seen if it weren’t for him.

One of those movies that kind of stuck with me and for some reason I think about a lot is Anomalisa. At first, I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. It kind of struck a nerve in me for some reason but I understood the main character. It also kind of reminded me of THE friend too. There’s a guy with a mundane life who sees everyone as the same person, there’s no quality that makes them different than the next. Then he meets a girl, thinks she’s amazing but she becomes just like everyone else after a while. It’s a movie that’ll might make you think. Again, for some reason it’s stuck with me.

If my body feels the way it does right now I think I’ll take this weekend to watch some of the rest of the Oscar movies and just melt into my couch for a while. I thought about thinking up some drinking game to watch the award show to but then I realize that drinking never really goes well for me lately so that’s probably not a great idea. Maybe I’ll do something else to entertain myself.

So, boring post tonight. I’d apologize but sometimes I just need to have a boring night or two to even things out so I’m ok with it. There’s still and hour and 20 minutes left of tonight. Maybe that ‘love of my life’ horoscope thing will still come true. Ha, kidding.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

oscar