Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.

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27 Days of Music – The Q’s…

I was thinking today, that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a “John Hughes 80 movie moment” in my life. I’m beginning to miss those a lot. The passion, the surprises and the moments that end up in the front of your mind forever. I’m still having fun and enjoying myself but there’s been nothing that’s happened lately that I think about in the middle of the day and just smile like an idiot for a reason only I know. Maybe I used all my movie moments up? That would be sad if I did.

Enjoy today’s music.

GrungeBG

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27 Days of Music – The N’s… and some rambling.

The fun is officially over, for now. My BFF has been here since Wednesday and we’ve had some stupid, awesome fun. We went to our usual spot for dinner one night and got free drinks. We made up an air band where she plays air base and guitar and I sing and play air drums. We watched strippers and enjoyed screwing with men for pleasure for a while and took some cool photos.

But now she’s gone and while we were getting snippy with each other I miss the company. I did, however, go to a movie with another friend tonight after she left. That was fun also but he’s in a place where all I want to do is throw out a lifeline but that’s hard to do when you know that person doesn’t  want to catch it.

He fulfills my need to want to take care of someone except he won’t let me take care of him.  On the same token I’m not sure he feels comfortable enough to be able to ask for the help that he might need. I’ve never, in my life, wanted so badly to make sure someone is ok.

With that statement above being said, this is where my heart, head and mouth do not see eye to eye. It’s been a dysfunctional relationship with those three parts of my body since as long as I can remember. My head says, “Be honest. Tell him something real and helpful”. My heart says, “reach out and just put your hand on his and let him know that he’s going to be ok. You’ll make sure of it.” My mouth says something like, “Ok well, don’t be an asshole, stupid and let me know if you need anything.”

This reminds me of what I’m supposed to say or do in these situations, per my therapist. I was told that if there was something that I wanted to say or something I wanted to do to at least write it down and help get my jumbled thoughts out and arranged in some semblance of logical thought then, if it doesn’t leave your head after that then consider telling that person what it is you want to say.

That is difficult on so many levels. First, I fear that the help I want to give him is more than a “friend” should and I don’t want him to think that I can’t separate myself from my feelings. Second, it seems as though he wants to stay in this weird, playful, friend-zone so I’m trying not to be all “girly” with my actions or words to not make him feel uncomfortable. Lastly, I’m just not sure he can handle all of the truth that I have bottled up inside me.

This is all probably why ecstasy was my drug of choice. When my friends and I were doing it there was “nuttin’ but love baby”. We were all honest, to a fault, with each other and there was so much love taken in and equally thrown out. I never looked at it as a drug induced illusion because it was all truth. But, I’ve grown up and out of the drug phase of my life which has left me with this secretive, hold everything in persona. My BFF has this issue with me all the time. She thinks I’ve gotten better through the years but it’s still not where it should be.

So, in honor of my therapist tonight, I thought I’d write out my letter to my friend as these words will, likely, never pass my lips to him.

“Another fun night out with you. To spend time with you, in any capacity, is worth it. We, I feel, share a bond that has been tested and tested and is still there. Some days it hangs by a string and other days it feels unbreakable. There’s a sense of nurturing emotions that flood through me when you say some of the things you do. Some days, I feel like laying your head in my lap, letting you cry every last tear you have and stroking your head just so you realize that no matter how bad it gets you’ll have someone by your side. I don’t care if your glasses are lop-sided, if you can only wear your fat pants or that you can’t muster the strength to get out of bed some days. I will be there, if you ask. I don’t care if you’re grumpy, angry or lethargic. I will be there, if you ask. The worst day with you, is still better than some of the best days with other boys. Some days I want to apologize that I fell in love with you, although I couldn’t and can’t control it but most days, I realize that you’ve still given me the one thing that none of them could ever give me. You gave and continue to give me comfort, and full, complete and unapologetic love. I will probably always fear that you’ll be gone one day, for good. It’s always in the back of my mind but it won’t stop me from living in the moment, as long as our moments are real. No jealousy. No lies. No censoring.

I know how you feel about yourself but the truth, in my eyes, is that any man I’ll be with since seeing you again, will always be second place, in my heart. I will have to, eventually, be in a relationship with someone that will remind me of what we have. It won’t be the same. It won’t be perfect but I know that all these thoughts are only shared by me. I still believe in fate and I still believe that you have a much greater purpose on this earth, but until you figure out what that is, I think you might have saved me. You saved one person, at least.

One day, I’ll need you to actually tell me what this was to you, what I am to you. I’ll need to hear that because I deserve that. Hopefully, the day will come that will allow you to articulate what this whole relationship is to you because I need to know that it’s made a difference. That it’s helped. I don’t want to continue thinking that I am just a distraction from reality for you. I actually want to be able to have repaid some of these emotions back to you.

With all that said, I still love you, completely.”

Well, apparently, that needed to come out in some way. I feel better but I’m sure this is the part where someone says “You should really tell him that”. I’m sure that’s not the case right now.

Today is my Saturday, since I’m off on Monday and I need to get used to my quiet home. I liked having my BFF here when I got home and I like having someone that I’m so succinct with. I have that with two people. One, my BFF, who doesn’t even live in the same city as me and the other the friend I wrote about above who doesn’t even live in the same galaxy as I do sometimes. I gotta say, life is strange and hard and wonderful and trying and beautiful. You just have to know where to look for the beauty. Sometimes, it’s in the poke of a friend during a movie, or a moment when something real stumbles out of someones mouth, or it’s in the air drumming/guitaring while shopping at midnight. Sometimes, it’s in the truth of a tear, a hug or an ‘I Love You’.

I feel like I should have been drunk to write all that but I wasn’t. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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27 Days of Music – The F’s…

Doing the F’s could go so wrong but I’m trying to be good this year and save my cursing or at least keep to a minimum 🙂 . I’m exhausted and can’t wait to get home, pass out and wake up sometime next week. I’m sure that’s actually not going to happen but I am looking forward to, at least, take a long nap later after a very crappy nights sleep.

So, I leave you with the F’s today and hope you enjoy some of them. I might wake in the middle of the night with some dire urge to write. We shall see. Hope you’re having a great Friday.

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27 Days of Music – The E’s…

Some of these songs are just my all time favorites and some really mean something to me. The third reason that they may make my list is because of their brutal emotions. The End By: Blue October is one of those brutally honest emotional songs. You can just feel his anger and it’s times like that you have to be thankful for the outlet that is music. Plus, I LOVE violin in song and it’s got a great violin solo towards the end.

I’m not too sure how I’m feeling these days. My thoughts are mostly jumbled words in my head. This weather is confusing me. It would be appropriate to see me in shorts and Uggs right now and I’d never say that. My goals, so far, are on track and I’m still finishing my home. Hopefully, I’ll take a break from the outside world this weekend and finish what I started.

It’s supposed to be warm tomorrow and cold again on Saturday which means I feel somewhere in between a chili and movie night verses having a drink on a patio somewhere. It’s been ages since I’ve seen a movie in a theater and I don’t even know what I’d go see. I’d really like to have a sleepover but all the boys in my life right now are uninteresting to me. No one seems to appreciate the simplicity of silence. I really am ok with just sitting and not talking for a while. Apparently, I’m the only one right now who likes the idea of a warm silent body next to me. I’m sure I’ll make some sort of plan up at some point.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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