#TimesUp – Women’s March

I’m here. Here with women on a day where the power of a woman is unmeasurable.
There’s so much pink, and power and pride.
I have silently screamed for so long and now… I’m done. I will be loud.

#TimesUp – The first time.
I was 10 and cute and innocent.
What one should be at that age.
We were all playing.
Me, my brother and our babysitter.
Parents are out and I was being a kid, a child.
“It’s time for bed”, he said.
I remember going to bed in my nightgown.
My 10 year old kids nightgown.
What happened next made me age beyond years.
He touched and “played”.
He made it sound fun.
I knew it was something that it shouldn’t be.
He had no right!
But not the worst that happened.
I woke up and it felt like everyone knew.
But no one spoke about it.
I was told later, “We knew something happened but we just didn’t have him babysit again”.
But for years I thought that my mind was sick.
I thought that I’d made it all up.
I must have.
No one’s confirmed.
Years go by.
15 years go by.
I met a girl that knew me.
I met a girl that knew him.
She had the same memories.
She had the same babysitter.
I finally knew I wasn’t crazy.
But then it just felt like I was lost and alone.
Ignorance doesn’t make it go away.
Ignorance doesn’t make it feel better.
Ignorance made it happen to many others.

Fuck you ignorance.

Fuck you babysitter.

Fuck you memories.

#TimesUp – The second time.
He was a neighbor.
I let him in my home.
He brought a friend.
He left knowing his friend was not a friend of mine.
It was on a pool table.
It was unkind.
It was painful.
It was my fault?
I was silent. Again.

Fuck you neighbor!

Fuck you neighbor’s friend!

Fuck you silence!

#TimesUp – The third time.
He was a boss.
I was much older this time.
I was much stronger this time.
I held my own.
But it didn’t stop his attempts.
Over and over and over again.
But would I have let things go on as long if I wasn’t jaded by the first time or the second time?
This would go on for years.
But I figured out his other dirty secret and then it all stopped.

Fuck you boss!

Fuck you secrets!

Fuck you again!

I am NOT a victim.

#TimesUp – The four and fifth and sixth and…. times.
The guy in the parking lot that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
The guy that fucks you to use you.
The guy that grabs you unasked.
The guy that loves you to use you.
The guy that leaves you to do it to someone else.
The guys that shroud their ignorance with excuses.

The guys that made it impossible for me to love fully and unconditionally. The guys that made it impossible for me to trust another.

I think, in the last 10 years I’ve known one man who made me feel whole again. He made me feel beautiful and strong and like I wasn’t the most fucked up person. He’s accepting and honest and kind and beautiful. He loves me and he tells me. He’s not afraid. He’s got the best soul and he makes me feel like I’m not broken. He’s a true beautiful soul. He’s a true believer in women. He’s my ex and my best friend and maybe one day we’ll be more when we’re both ready but for now. He’s just Dan.

I only bring Dan up because on a day that seems like such a powerful day for women I thought I’d give a shout out to one man that truly stands up for women. He’s the first and only real man that I know. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish I knew more but I am grateful for him because he makes all the times above feel like they never happened. He’s my blessing.

That’s what I have to say as the first post in a long time. So much has changed and maybe I’ll get back into writing. Maybe I won’t. But I just needed to put my blessing out in the world today.


Making myself better challenge… Day 23 (Tuesday)

1. One good thing: I’m realizing just how awesome thing new company is going to be that I work with and no longer for.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, a collective 57 minutes.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

Today may have seemed boring and it seems that I’m in a hormonal state which makes me want to cry but it was actually a good day. One thing I didn’t talk about yesterday is that before I even got to work on Monday my ‘other’ boss (who won’t be as of June 1st) sent me a long text apology. This is where I become cynical.

You see, I immediately assumed that his texted apology was because Ramadan was starting soon and it was more of a forced ‘I’m sorry’ rather than something deeply embedded as truthful apology. This brought up a lot of conversations about it.

My belief is that an apology not be forced. I feel like if you’re doing it out of some religious obligation or a twelve step something then it means less. I understand for some people an apology is one of the hardest things they can muster up and most times it’s followed by a reason for it. Those are not the wants that I want. I want the apologies that come with no caveats, no special circumstances.

I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter that much but for me there’s a difference. Regardless, I told him that I accepted his apology and shared some raw truth with him as well. Since we’re being honest I might as well explain why I think he’s a dick. Which is he. However, I did offer to help his with things after he leaves the company. So I guess I’m not entirely a heartless bitch, just mostly.

I’m already looking forward to a three day weekend. The idea of waking up Monday without the dread of “Oh shit, I have to go to work” is so nice. I’ve literally been working since I was twelve. I’m tired. I haven’t taken a real serious vacation in years. My weekend excursions to see family DO NOT count. Trust me when I say that going to see my family is just as stressful as work most of the time.

In all honestly thought, I think I’d rather save up some money and move my stuff into my parents guest house and go build homes or irrigation systems in some far off land where the people appreciate the little things in life. At least I have this new company to look forward to though.

My role in it is much of the same except it will just be three people doing what we’ve always done except better. We’ll be more efficient, more reliable and more relate-able to the general public. That’s one thing that I’ve always like is my customers and no it’s not because they treat me well and give me things. It’s because (and don’t go spreading this around) but because I care. I’ll still get to care but in an environment that doesn’t suck the life out of me.

To be locked in a prison with commercial grade strip lights for 40+ hours a week has never been a dream of mine. But what will be left is three people, a new outlook and some sort of comical “The Office” type sarcasm. I’m not sure what the next step in life has planned for me but right now I’m happy and also realizing that yet another one of the “predictions” has come true. How can they be so right about 99% of things yet wrong about the 1% of things that actually makes me the happiest.

Anyway, good day today. Hope you’re having a great week.



Hopes verses Fears… My Thoughts Tonight.

There’s a fine line between hopes and fears and sometimes you can hope and fear the same things. Hope for love but fear getting it because then there’s something to lose. Hope for independence but fear for it because someone might not be there to catch you when you fall. Hope for a different place than where you are but fear that place might be worse. It’s a tough thing.

I read an article the other day about people who stay in a deep dark places because they don’t feel that there’s anywhere further down and in hopes that they don’t lift themselves up only to be let down again, they are (for lack of a better word) happy to be at their worst.

Over the last few weeks, months and possibly years I’ve felt like I’ve let so many things go in my life out of fear but I gift wrapped my decisions by saying that if it was meant to be then it would be. Some days I still feel that is the case but others I feel like I just effed up.

I think that it all boiled over this week, starting on Sunday then just got progressively worse until I finally saw someone. I decided to go back to my therapist because my dark side was starting to spill over into others worlds and it wasn’t fair. Of course, the first question begins, “So what brings you back here, again?”. My answer or what I could muster is that I was afraid that who I was spilling on to will get sick of it and leave but then again, maybe I was pushing him away anyway.

So, all the things I’ve talked about that I want and need in my life right now are here in this blog and it’s a long list of sometimes normalcy and sometimes specific but all these things I was getting. From someone that has no expectation to give them to me. It started to get worse because the more and more I wanted certain things in my life the more and more he’d do these things but the real problem here? We’re not a couple. We’ve never dated and it was hard to see him as just a friend because he was checking all the boxes of things that I NEEDED but without the intimacy. It was starting to drive me crazy.

I’m tell the therapist about this, him and m close friends, and work. She’d asked why I didn’t talk or bring up my family. Then came out the truth there. We have never all been close and because of some certain reasons I don’t even speak to my parents much aside from the normal “Happy Birthday” here and there. I explained to my therapist that I’ve made up my own “family” through the years and it consists of a few really close friends. People do say that friends are Gods apology for family anyway.

We talked about my job and how stressful it is to work for two men that hate each other. Why I’ve stayed as long as I have and to be honest it’s because I can be myself there and because I feel like that company that I work for is mine too. I was there when it started and I helped it grow. Because of some very poor decisions on the owners parts it’s in trouble now but has strangely always been able to survive going through rough times. I could easily accept any one of the jobs that have been offered to me but I feel like I’d be giving up on this company that seems to have a life all on it’s own.

I explained to her that I’m no where I thought I’d be at this age. I want a family and I felt like I’d given up on all those dreams because I gave up on all those men. So she asked what it was about the one man. I’d realized that on one of my last post I’d said just how much I crave to hear the words, “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”. They are both entirely different to me. But when I was leaving Monday morning and he was half asleep on the couch he mumbled “I love you” and in my emotionally challenged world I realized that that actually helped, hurt and confused all in the same breath.

It helped because I need to hear it. It hurt because it just solidified that those words will never mean the same to him as they mean to me. And it confused me because hearing those words made me want to cry for all the times that I couldn’t say it back, just like then. I stood there with my back to him, grabbing my keys and tears gathering in my eyes inside this dark, what felt like the tiniest room ever and just walk out the door saying what felt like a millions words of silence.

He’d later sent me a text saying that he was so hurt and felt horrible because I wouldn’t talk to him. Which reading at work, in the bathroom, had tears streaming down my face. I could recall everything about that morning. I literally felt like someone who was awake during anesthesia. I wanted to scream, or just say SOMETHING but nothing would come out except in my head. I was saying all those things inside my head. I was screaming to be heard but all in silence. 

It’s not fair and it’s not his fault. These are my flaws and these are my issues to fix. Exercise only works so much before something else has to happen to. There’s a lot of fixing things on my end that I need to do. There’s a lot of secrets that are inside my head that need to be dealt with and I’m working on that and some of that has to do with the look I saw on his face out of the corner of my eye when I rejected his touch and his help. That broke my heart.

It’s obvious that I need to take time to try to repair things in my life so that when I get to a happier place I can still say that I’ve gone through all of this for a purpose. The only upside to being sad is that it doesn’t make you hungry and you exercise like a crazy person so my pants are a lot looser right now.

I am never going to stop wishing that his “I love you” meant more than it did but I’m also so very thankful for it. I’m never going to be okay at this place that I’m in right now which gives me the strength to get up and move somewhere. I have a lot of grief and things that I need to deal with but at least I have a starting point now. At least I have a goal. Who knows who will be there at the end but all I can do until then is to make myself better so that there are good, decent and loving people there at the end.

So, I’m not great and maybe not even good but I’m getting there. I hope you are having a blessed week and that there is someone there to tell you they love you even if it’s too painful to hear. You might realize one day that it’s the one thing that has saved you from yourself.



The Tale of Two Men… My Day Today.

I woke up early but exhausted. I don’t know why. I didn’t go to bed late but it might have been the one drink. I told you I’m a lightweight. I threw on some clothes that were clean enough and painted my face, after throwing my hair into a messy tail. I knew I’d have to leave early enough to get a very large coffee that was overpriced because the Folgers just wasn’t going to cut it today.

I arrived at the office with large coffee and breakfast in hand, decided I’d actually open the blinds this morning to let in some semblance of sunshine even though the true light didn’t shine through till the afternoon. Then I sat in my comfy leather worker bee chair and commenced to work. After about an hour, I got a phone call from one of my bosses friends who also happens to be a millionaire investor. He’d asked if he could come by and get some stuff notarized and printed and faxed. He’s a much older gentleman who finds no need for the technology of present day until he does.

When he showed up about 1.5 minutes later (apparently assuming that I would already have been there when he called) he pulls up in this tiny little Honda. This is not a man that fits his car. He excitedly got out and walked over to me, already outside. He immediately started cracking jokes at his expense about Rogaine and Viagra. After his comedy hour had stopped I asked him why he drove such a modest car. Not that it matters but I’m a girl who likes cars and was just curious. He said he’d done the Rolls and the Jag and was just trying to live more simplistically. I can understand and respect that.

I think a lot of his money came from inheritance and from some work that he did in his prime but it’s nice to see that not all the “other half” or the “2%” of the world don’t all have an “in your face” attitude about their money. But we had a nice conversation about different things and then I asked if he was interested in getting into some non-profit type of thing. So, we have an appointment for lunch next week where we can discuss setting up a charity or something. I’m going to have to think about what it is that I want to do first. That’s my dream job.

Which brings me to my current job. I’ve been here for seventeen years and have known one of the owners for 20 years. He likes to say that I’m his sister and I like to say that he’s an asshole. He’s a middle-aged man who thinks he’s a rockstar. We have a very different relationship because I don’t sugarcoat things to him and he lets me get away with quite a bit. Is it equal? Absolutely not, but that’s something that he’ll never see because he’s a control freak, has A.D.D., and is a narcissist. Apparently, I attract a certain type of man in my life but however it’s explained we don’t have a normal Boss/Employee relationship.

He’s been at his worst lately, though. I knew something was wrong but it didn’t concern me so I just was my bitchy self to him and he barely showed up to work. He’d be too drunk from the night before to even answer an email, text or pick up the phone and it was just pissing me and the rest of his employees off. Today, though, we’d started talking about his cousin’s wedding. A wedding that I was supposed to attend but was not feeling well so I couldn’t. I’d asked if he brought his girlfriend and I could kind of see the story on his face already.

They met years ago, my boss and his girlfriend. They were both still married to others at the time with children. Obviously, this led to both of them getting divorces but only in the last few years did that happen. My boss is the type of guy that likes to have his cake and eat it too and being that he was a control freak, he wanted his marriage of convenience and his girl on this side. But that didn’t happen. He went through a huge bit of depression. He had to and still has to deal with his ex-wife’s anger towards him. But after a while he was ready to have the girlfriend move here. She lived in another city about four hours away.

She did move here but instead of the promised, readily available home he’d promised her he asked that she move in to an apartment until his kids had time to adjust. She’s a petite woman in her mid 40’s. She’s very attractive but I’m sure she doesn’t believe it. She doesn’t appear to be that self-aware. We’ve spoken on a few occasions and it left me with the impression that she’s a natural nurturer but that has the tendency to take a backseat to all others in her life. She’s a giver, giver, giver until she breaks. Well, I think she broke.

So, as we sat in my bosses office this morning, he explained that she was moving back to her previous home, didn’t want to talk to or see him anymore and was just over everything. This, I understand. I felt this instant sympathy pain for her because I both knew what she was dealing with as far as he’s concerned (I have know him for 20 years) but also because it reminded me so much of the friendship that THE friend and I have.

To give, give and give to someone who is so focused on themselves and all they can do it take, take, take. To give up so much control as to how things are. To never use the word “no” because it sounds like such an ugly four letter word to them. I understand what it’s like to give until you break. The only differences between her and I are that I’m a strong female who never broke. While it felt or feels as though I’m being ripped in half some days I’ve never fully broken. The second similarity is that I’ve been through this and know what I needed/need and can at the very least pass that knowledge on. So, I did.

I talked a lot about things he could do, say or show her that would help. I told him to write her an actual hand written letter, to get on his knees and be as emotionally vulnerably honest as he could be right in front of her. I explained to him that women don’t remember dates and times. We remember moments and actions. 

For the next hour, my boss sat there and listened to me, only to get shh’ed each time he tried to interject anything. I told him that he was selfish, narcissistic, a control freak and he takes anger, sadness and frustration out on those closest to him because he assumes that they’ll always be there. I explained in detail that he is constantly taking people for granted and that to “on-lookers” it’s as though they become disposable in his eyes. I went on to explain that him trying to control everything was impossible and that he needed to take care of and focus on changing his entire life if he ever wanted to be happy.

After about 45 minutes of this, I could see that things were starting to hit him hard and for the first time in 20 years he looked like how he actually felt inside. With total honesty he looked at me and said he agreed with every single thing I was saying and that he is totally in love with her and scared to death of losing her. Then I saw it. The tear which then turned in to two tears and at the end of this unplanned “intervention” there was a broken, hurting, scared boy but for the first time in a long time he was human to me. His truth and his tears made me realize just how vulnerable he was and just how much I’d hit home with him.

My intent was never to make him cry or to make him hurt. My intention was to make him see and understand her side and how she feels and just how bad she must feel to just up and leave when she is truly and completely in love with him as well. My intent was to use what I have or what I go through as a lesson. If my pain or feeling like I’m being taken for granted or anything that I’ve gone through can help someone else then I’m ok with that. Or at least I can be better at being ok about it.

I don’t live in a world where I have normal relationships. It’s just that simple. I’m not sad about that or I’m just used to that. I don’t even know anymore. I know that my run after work and after grocery shopping was needed more than ever. And because feeling like you’re unappreciated is probably one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt, I reached out to his girlfriend. I asked her to have dinner with me before she leaves and she said she would love to. I’ll see what I can do because I think those two are actually right for each other. They are ying and yang. I know what that feels like as well. 

The other side of the token is this though. During my run, my meditation, I started thinking about his side of things because that’s the curse of being an empathetic person. You get to feel it from both sides… That sucks. But I texted him after and said that I wasn’t going to apologize for being truthful with him but that I was sorry he was hurting. That’s the truth. I also finished off the text with a nice, “But I’m doing this because I care. Stupid asshole”. His response was “Thank you, I love you like my own”. To which he will never see a reply because that shits just getting too real and too emotional now.

So now, after all of that and my BFF going into a multiple sclerosis relapse, I am just emotionally drained. Remember the other night, when I posted something about screaming, “SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME FOR ONCE!” Yeah, I think I’m silently screaming that now. I’m pretty sure I was also complaining about being bored too. When I do, remind me of days like today and tell me to shut the eff up… Okay?

So that is my life right now. Never normal. Never perfect. So, my tales of two men today: One who has the power to put me in the position to have my dream job and the second who gets to learn the error of his ways from his employee who gets to do it all while calling him an asshole. Now I’m off to soak in the tub, to read and to do yoga… Just kidding. I’m going to spot clean, watch crappy TV and fall asleep exhausted after watching some porn on my iPad.

I hope you all enjoy your evenings.






Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.