27 Days of Music ā€“ The Sā€™sā€¦ and some rambling.

Good Evening. I’ve just gotten back from dinner with some friends and they decided to have a “talk” with me about dating or I should say my lack of dating lately. This is such an effed up topic for me lately for a few reasons. First, my ex still texts me randomly but stupid things. I forwarded one of these texts to my GBF the other night and he said, “Because he made that joke? That’s what guys do. You’re being over critical but it’s your choice”. I wanted to punch him. It was a weird foul joke that could have been better received by a male friend of his so I ignored him. I should probably just stop interacting with him all together because he’ll get the wrong idea otherwise but my GBF (Gay Best Friend) does have a point, which I’ll detail later.

Second, I met a guy a few weeks ago and have been doing the whole “get to know you” chatting since then. He’d asked me what my favorite movies were and as you can tell from my music choices, one of them is Red Shoe Diaries. His reply was “if it’s the one I’m thinking you’re a bit of a wild child”. I’m sure by “wild” he meant slutty which is far from the truth. But I’m already over that guy. He’s a bit boring.

So I have an excuse to not date four different guys in my life right now. To me they are just not what I’m looking for at all. I don’t feel entirely comfortable. They don’t make me smile. They do things that completely gross me out and lastly, even thought they are all very good-looking, I’m not sexually attracted to them, regardless of how very aroused I have been lately.

This brings me to the next portion of this program. You’ve all read, probably numerous times (sorry not sorry for that), what I want, need or cherish in a man right? So, my friend (the one who went MIA for a while) DOES EXACTLY THAT! We went and saw Star Wars last night. After that, came home. I didn’t think he would have stayed, assuming he had many stops on his nightly tour but he did. I had one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a while (he slept on the couch). Then I thought he’d be gone by the time I got home and not only was he still here, which made me happy, but he’d gotten rid of all the Goodwill bags, washed the dishes and was working out after reading a book… We also act like kids with each other.

My point in all this is that he really does check a lot of those effing imaginary boxes and it’s totally and completely unfair because he will never see us as anything other than friends. :-\ So what do I do with all this pent-up emotions, sexual tension and continual thoughts that I’ll never find someone who makes me feel like he does? Well, as of right now, all I can do is write about them here.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew how hard this was for me, would he still do any of it? I know, in my mind, that he’s just being a friend and being helpful and I can separate these things from the reason that I wish he was doing them for but it doesn’t make it any easier. Then, there’s also another reason as to why I can’t let myself fully and completely just enjoy the friend again. I think I’ll always be afraid that the next girlfriend that comes along, he’ll be gone again. I don’t understand this. This doesn’t happen with me, not when I have true friendships. They are the last thing to go, ever. But this last girl who came into his life, he tossed this friendship aside without a second thought, without feeling a thing and without any regret what-so-ever.

I sent him an email the other night. Not sure if he’ll ever read or acknowledge it but I told him that I needed him to tell me what this whole relationship we have meant to him one day. I’ll need him to articulate what this was. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that answer from him nor from God either, who has heard me pray about my friend more than anyone else.

I realize that, in a friendship, where only one has feelings for the other it’s hard and I know that he never asked for this to happen. In fact, I can only imagine that he sits back stunned sometimes that it did. I’ve said this before but if these feelings weren’t here I’m not sure we’d have made it this far and the truth is, we almost didn’t, several times. This time I see him trying so hard to put his life on track and I’m so happy for that. I just really need some proof that while he’s gaining speed to get where he needs to go that he doesn’t leave me on the side of the road again, under a sign that says, “Replaceable”.

There was a whole other part that I was going to write too but I’ll leave that for another day. Hope you’re all having a great week. Regardless of my tone, I’ve had a good week. I’m reserving great for now but good is what I’ll take.






Home is where the mortgage is…

Ever since my ex asked me to move in with him months ago, actually way before that, I’ve wanted a small house. I knew it would never be with him so I just assumed I’d be “apartment living” for a very long time. Today, I drove past this adorable little house in a nice neighborhood that is probably cheaper than my rent here. I’m considering this a lot.

I’ve been talking about “getting the eff out of this town” but the truth is, I actually like it here. I like this town. I’m completely aware that my instinct to move is mostly due to the fact that I have gone through a lot this year but am well aware that no matter where I move, my problems would follow me there as well. So, I’m a lot more at peace with things or situation that have happened. Now, I need to relocate from my current address.

My friend, who’s very spiritual, made me realize that instead of looking at my new car as just another car payment, I should look at it as new energy. This made me think just how much crappy energy is in the place where I live. There’s past boyfriends, there’s bad times, there’s hard situations. Now, I’m not going to discard the fun, memorable times I’ve had here but everyone could do with some new energy right?

I think, when you get to a certain age, you should have something that’s your own. There’s something so appealing to me about having paint in my hair, tools in my hand and all for a place that I call my own and even with all my years of it just being me, I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to share this with a roommate, boyfriend or maybe, one day, something even more substantial than that.

Being around my brother and sister-in-law makes me kind of want that type of situation but with my quirky spin on things. Even though they were stressed and fighting with each other they are still very succinct and they are amazing at compromise. I felt a little guilty being in the middle of some of their fights everything has it’s ebbs and flows so I’m pretty sure once the holiday craziness wore off and the family all left then they would find their normal ground.

My brother actually did it. He broke the cycle of being a crappy father. You know, a lot gets blamed on your family. If the daughter is crazy, it must be the mother or if the son is an a-hole then it must come from the father. We had a crappy childhood. It was filled with screams, curses and an absent father, which at the time was probably best. We were terrified of him when he was there so the alternative would always have been better but I don’t have a great relationship with him now. Not at all. He comes to town once a month and I’ve never seen him while he’s here. When he went in for open heart surgery, we didn’t exchange the “L word” or hug. We just nodded to each other like a “hey bro” nod. But like I said, my brother has broken that mold and makes it a point to watch and document all of his daughter’s first, to be present as much as possible and to go the extra mile to ensure that his daughter ALWAYS trust, confides and relishes their time together.

I’d probably never tell him all that above but maybe one day. Sometimes you think to yourself that you’re destined to screw something up if you have a child and sometimes that fear outweighs the amazingness of what can be. I think that may have been why, for such a long time, that I wasn’t where others were with having a child. I just assumed that I’d royally eff it up but I have much more faith in myself now which is something that I work on every single day. Being able to realize that is a step in the right direction I suppose and only to grow every day as well.

So I, kind of, find myself getting used to the idea of 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence although not in that order and maybe not exactly. I think, as long as two people love and respect each other, there’s a chance than anything can happen. It’s never going to be picture perfect but I can always start with a small home that I can call my own. This is just something I will go into the new year thinking about. If the saying is true, “Home is where the heart is”, then I’m not really sure where my home is right now but I’m willing to search for it.

Hope you all had a wonderful day.



Finally time to rest, for a minute or two.

I’ve officially finished shopping, wrapping and buying anything for a while. I’m so happy to be done with it all. I like to buy things but I’m not a fan of the whole shopping experience especially when there’s so much retail bitchiness out there. I’ve witness two fights over parking spots, tug of war over the last item on a shelf and people stealing. Since when was all that supposed to be in the Christmas spirit? I think next year I’ll suggest that we all just send each other photos of the things that we WOULD buy for each other and then share a phone call or two instead. It’s not that I’m not in the spirit this year, actually I am more than the last several. I’ve “Olaf’ed from Frozen” my nails for my niece. I’m bringing games and I will cook something.

Speaking of games, I broken down and purchases Cards Against Humanity and have to say that while playing this today, I almost peed twice. It’s absolutely a game that I got into but I’m a pretty competitive person so I can get into anything as long as there is a winner. I’ll be off soon on my three day, two night excursion and the one thing I can say is that with all the crap I have to pack and take with me, I miss my old car a bit however, my new one has total new energy in it so it’s an even trade for less trunk space.

I’ve already been given a few things like makeup, jewelry, cash and oils but there’s still things that I really, really want that no one knows about. I still need my dished done, my laundry done and my home a bit cleaner. Those are the things that I would tell Santa to bring me if he could. I might even skip the request for a husband if I could get a housekeeper instead. Okay, that’s not true but if he could bring me one that cleaners, cooked and massaged my very soar shoulders that would be the best gift ever.

I digress. I went to a friends house earlier and her little girl was upset and crying. I think she’s four. Right before I left she handed me this yellow gemstone, out of no where. I found it appropriate since the gemstones means the following, “Clarity for decision making, relief from burnout, panic nervousness, exhaustion, protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather.” I think it’s probably something that we could all use around this time of year but I do have to say that I’m pretty bummed that it won’t be snowing this year or even coming close. Alright, I don’t ever actually expect it to snow here but I would like weather that warrants gloves, boots and thick sweaters and not shorts and t-shirts. If I wanted a warm winter, I’d go vacation on an island somewhere with my Christmas cash. Saying that above makes me feel guilty that I never made it to Goodwill or somewhere to donate my overflowing garbage bags full of donations. I had every intent to do that before I left. That will be first on my to-do list when I get back.

So on to traditions. My family used to have this crazy tradition where we’d open each gift separately from stocking to tree. It would take hours. Once, we were doing it till 3 in the morning. Friends would come over throughout the day and just sit back and watch what we’d do and in normal British tradition we’d have mini-breaks to smoke, refill drinks or eat sausage rolls or minced pies (gross). Then, my brother married into a family that was a lot different than that and for years we’ve had a combined Christmas where we eat at my brother’s mother-in-laws house on the eve then on Christmas day would either be at my parents or brothers. Now it’s at my brothers since his house is huge and everyone opens one gift separately and the rest you just tear open. Our tradition was tedious but they’re is hectic. I’m sure somewhere in between is a compromise.

That’s something that I say a lot. I like the idea of a tradition. My parents, brother and I still have a few British traditions like crackers, brandy butter (yum) and cheese and port afterward but I’d like to start my own with my own family. I guess I have one and that’s with my BFF. She and I usually have our Christmas the day after on Boxing day. That’s about it though. I like things that I have that are just mine and one other. I like the idea that there’s some sort of structure or routine that’s just ours. I like tradition, what can I say…

There is one little gift that I’m super excited about though. It’s one for just my brother and I. I bought a snowball shooter, or two of them for us to play shoot each other with, with extra snowballs. Yep, there’s a lot about me that’s still a kid. I don’t ever want to lose that child-like quality about myself. Whether it’s snowball fights, water gun fights or just being a bit silly I want to have all those things with someone that I can start traditions with too. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, so this diatribe of holiday spirit has gone on way too long. I’m going to finish a bit of clearing up, pray for things that I might never get and sleep. Hope you are all enjoying this time.



Giving Thanks…

Today I write early because the holiday crazy will take all my attention. I wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and write a few things that I have been grateful for this year, so far.

I am grateful for…
Friends and family. Those that are still here and those that are not.
Each lesson taught and each lesson learned.
The highs and the lows on the roller coaster of life.
New starts, new beginnings, and new chances.
Understanding and connections.
New adventures and relaxation.
Catching up with old friends.
All the things that money can’t buy.

Lastly, I’m grateful for all that fall down the rabbit hole with me on here. Thanks for listening or reading my ramblings of my worst days and sometimes better days.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the crazy!



SSB and strange addictions…

Sex and the City coined the phrase “SSB” or secret single behavior. What do you do when no ones looking? So one of my strange SSBs is that I am addicted to reading the “Missed Connections” in Craigslist. Yes, I am completely aware that the majority of these are fake or just plain stupid but that’s my secret social network addiction.

For years now, there’s been one guy that’s quoted music lyrics. He doesn’t do it often and I’m not even sure he’s putting them out to anyone specific but he always chooses great songs. But as far as the rest of the missed connections go, I’m not really sure why I like to read those. I guess it’s always nice to see others putting themselves out there and searching for something.

I guess we are all searching for something right? Even when we think our lives are great, there’s always something else out there and sometimes it might be a missed connection, or a better job, or a better “other half”. We are never satisfied which what we have which is good and bad. On one hand, never being satisfied is what challenges us to do better; however, on the other hand, always assuming there’s something better out there is why people get cheated on, don’t realize what they have until it’s gone or just plainly eff up crap in their life. This would be because they’re always look ahead instead of right next to them.

I’m guilty of the same. I think we all are. As humans we are flawed. We screw things up and we make mistakes. Sometimes, a lot of them. But lately, I’ve been really searching and talking to people about their beliefs and they feel they need to work on in themselves. One thing I’ve heard a lot is empathy, forgiveness and guilt. People tell me that they wish they could forgive people easier. They wish they could feel a bit more empathetic towards others and that they could forgive others. These happen to all be what I’ve been working on as well.

There are a lot of people that I need to forgive and I’ve worked out a lot of that lately. Some of these people are no longer on this earth so writing things out and burning those thoughts seems to help with those things. The people that are still here and that I still see are easier because their goodness now shows that they can change. The ones that I don’t see any longer, those I just pray for and wish them well.

The empathy part of me, well, as much as I’m a cold person on the outside, I’m very almost overly empathetic. That’s also an Aquarius trait. We seem cold and distant but we feel everything. I was told that as a child I would look after my teddy bears as they were people and if one fell was stepped on or thrown then I would cry. I don’t remember this but I believe it. I feel more than I should and especially lately. Which is why I’m becoming masterful at meditation.

The guilt, something we all feel about something. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. I feel guilty about situations from my past that I can’t change. The only thing I can do now is make up for my guilt by being a good human.

What does my version of being a good human consist of these days? I’ve kind of made a mantra for myself lately that I’ve been living by and it’s been helping. Here it is:

I will donate my time and personal items to the needy.
I will not turn my back on a friend in need.
I will meditate each day and pray for those around me and myself.
I will write to help me through my confused mind.
I will try to change the things that are not healthy in me and help the good things about me grow.

Those are just a few things that I’m working on. Myself, I’m a work in progress. Change, exactly how much change is needed to being a good human? And is it acceptable to ask someone else to change as well? Well, this depends on what the person is doing. If they are doing something that is harming themselves or others then yes, this is acceptable to ask but if this is part of their makeup and it doesn’t cause harm to someone else then no. No one should be asked to change who they are and it is all part of acceptance. You have to take the good and the bad with people.

There is no one that I am changing for. I just know that I need to better myself. We are never perfect and I’m happy with who I am and if someone else isn’t that is none of my business. If someone chooses to take you for who you are, no exceptions than they are a true friend. There are lots of selfish, narcissistic and fake humans out there and a lot of times they are disguised as someone they are not. Be careful for those humans. These are the ones that continue to make mistakes, use people or don’t give themselves as they should to others but then go in and ask for forgiveness, knowing that they’ll do it all again.

I’ve known a few of these people and some have come through business channels. I used to sit back and hope that karma would come quickly but now I realize that what happens to them or how they handle their situation is none of business. In fact, I’m learning that there’s a lot of things that I really shouldn’t and don’t care to know. If people choose to tell me their stories then I will be more than happy to listen but others wise, it’s of no importance to me.

You know of my allergy to social media. It’s not just an allergy but an aversion and I get bored easily. But my real, true friends don’t even use it much anyway so it’s nice to actually catch up with people that don’t say “Didn’t you see? I posted it.” I was talking with my friend in the northeast the other day and not once did we discuss anything about what someone posted. It was all new information and catching up. We’ve been talking about him moving back to Austin next year and it might be about the same time that I do. Hopefully, we’ll be able to work full time together.

Houston has become a stagnant wasteland for me. Most of my real relationships are in Austin anyway and I think it’s just about time to move. Austin is healthier and will bring much needed change. I think this town has become toxic to me but my move is at least six months away so this still gives me time to do all the growing and changing I need to do here. Although, I can’t say that moving away to a deserted island still doesn’t have its perks.

Today is good. It might not stay that way all day but for right now, it’s good. I’m in a good place and I have purposely kept my weekend free so that I can, hopefully, not do a darn thing. I want to enjoy the thunderstorm tomorrow and not have any place that I actually HAVE to be. Hopefully, this plan will not change.

Hope you are all having a great day. šŸ™‚



When words seem to fail…

There are three phrases in the English language that seem to lose meaning after a while. “Thank you”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. Either they’re used too much and love is referred to when speaking of something meaningless like cheeseburgers or they’re used too little or quite possibly too quietly. I tend to under-use all those phrases or mumble them under my breath because sometimes those words aren’t enough to justifiably describe how I’m feeling.

So it turns out that I can be surprised, in a good way. Humans can still shock me a bit, although he’s not a typical human. He’s probably one of the most perplexing, emotionally jumbled, strangely astute and perfectly imperfect humans that I know. Our relationship is both daunting and draining yet emotionally charged and wonderful all in the same breath. Of all the people I’ve known in my life, no one has ever had the impact on my emotional soul like he and it pisses me off!

That’s actually not true, all the time. Sometimes it’s wonderful because these are new ways of thinking or feeling for me. Tonight I am glad to have this blog because usually, in our perplexing existence with each other, after we have an argument or something great that happens I usually end up sending some emotional vomit disguised as a letter or text but as I said before, I’m done with my old ways. Instead of putting it out there for him to see, which makes him roll his eyes and be uncomfortable or knowing that there’s always a great possibility that he’ll never read it because he’s got the attention span of a hamster, I’m putting it out here.

I’m looking around my home today and realizing that this is his way of care, love and thanks. He’s cleaned and rearranged everything, all while cooking dinner last night while I was sleeping feeling like crap. This is the reason why, over the last couple years, that no one else has had this place in my heart. He knows me. More than I’d like to admit. His care and concern comes across like the brutal sting of a rose thorn but with the beauty of the rose. I have to take a minute to let the sting wear off before noticing the beauty sometimes but when I do, I have no words. This is where words fail me.

Saying “Thank you” is lost on so many. It’s an immediate response for little things. And, like saying any word, it looses its meaning. Saying “I’m sorry” but continuing to do the same action that caused the apology makes the apology less than stellar and some what meaningless. Finally, “I love you”. This is probably the most underused phrase in my vocabulary. I use it sparingly because it’s meaning is so powerful to me. I grew up never hearing those words and will probably breath my last breathe without hearing that phrase pass some of my family’s lips and I’m ok with that. But because of that, when I do tell people it’s because I truly do.

So “thank you”. I could throw out this term to him to verbalize my appreciation of his actions but I believe in actions over words. I will offer my thanks in actions, just not sure how yet. The “I’m sorry” that he gives me after he’s upset me, this one is a bit strange. I know why he does and says things and I know that his ways are usually delivered with a sting but I am accepting of this. It’s going to upset me, maybe piss me off or even make me cry. That’s the hardest part for me. Never in my life has someone’s words affected me to the point that it’s made me cry. I’m sure there’s some BS that I could read about that basically says it’s the people that mean the most to you that have the capacity to hurt you the worst but his words aren’t intentionally laced with sharp blades it’s more about the fact that I let those blades cut me. He thinks I have thin skin, which is only true with him. I am an assertive control freak at work, in life, everywhere that he is not with me. But my guard is down with him. I don’t know why and I understand that is a role that he never applied for. His “I’m sorrys” are appreciated but I never want him to walk on egg shells around me, I don’t want him to change and I don’t ask that he be different with me. I think we’re both still learning how to be with each other though. It’s a process.

Lastly, the “I love you”. I’ve never verbally spoken these words to him. The times he’s said it can be counted on more than one hand but again, he’s a bit careless with that phrase. There are so many times when it’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t say it out loud. There’s also many times when I feel the need to just have him touch me. It’s as if he’s so close sitting next to me and all of a sudden, I see this image of me just reaching out and grabbing his hand or kissing his cheek and yet I sit still or just bundle up in my cocoon of safety and move a bit further away. Some days it’s excruciatingly painful to realize that I feel for this guy more than anyone before and sometimes I feel like those feelings are what keeps us from being 100 percent honest with each other. He’s afraid of hurting me and I’m afraid of making him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of giving me the wrong idea and I’m afraid he thinks I have the wrong idea. It seems that we’re both just two kids that are afraid of feeling too much or too little or of hurting or of losing.

I fear that one night on a bit too much to drink one of us will just spill what the other one is thinking or feeling then, like the tube of toothpaste test, we’d never get anything back inside. Maybe that would be a good thing. Some days I feel like we’re two emotionally stunted teenagers, that are dealing with adult situations and emotions. Some days it’s hard but other days it’s nice. Some days I like our bubble we share together and other days it feels like I’m suffocating between a life I want and the life I have. Some days I feel like his angel and other days I feel like he’s my savior. Right now, I’m not sure what I feel but I realize that when I have dated men I’ve never really written about them. When I was dating my ex, I just stopped writing here all together and I stopped talking about my relationships to my friends. My flaw is I shut down. I crawl inside my head and it takes the strength of a thousand men to pull me out.

I don’t always like that I’m so secretive. It’s never intentional and now my friends usually know they’ll get the “I don’t want to talk about it” answer when they ask about my life. I fear that I’d spill everything to him though, for some reason but he chooses not to ask. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t care or because he doesn’t want to know the answer. He doesn’t know about the ex, the proposal or the most of the other stuff. In fact, the only person who does know about that is our mutual friend and I’m still not sure what he said that got me to spill the secrets. I’ve been told on lots of occasions that I need to open myself up. He still knows two of the darkest secrets I have. I don’t know if he realizes that it took a lot for me to confide in him those things. Not sure he even remembers what those secrets were.

None of this matters though. I look around my home tonight and am happy because I know he’s been here but sad because I don’t know when he’ll be back. This is why I make sure all his stuff is gone when he leaves because I don’t like the reminders that I’d let him stay here forever if he needed or wanted to.

I’ve given in to my confused mind tonight and will drift off to sleep soon. Hope you’re having a great week so far. Sorry for the long post.

My Love Will Never Die By: Hozier

When words fail music speaks