Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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The Unintentional Gift of Making People Cry… Again.

My initial disclaimer is that I have been drinking and on an empty stomach tonight. This was not my intention BUT I did have someone’s best interests in mind when I agreed to this. To fully understand this post you’ll need to be re-directed to another one… The Tale of Two Men… Basically this was the talk with my boss about the girlfriend that made him cry. Well, tonight (It’s actually 2:30 in the morning so I guess yesterday) was the day I met with the girlfriend.

Let me back track a bit. I’ve had very few exceptionally close friendships with females. I know, it’s shocking that my energy gravitates toward male energy for some reason but I encounter lots of females that want to be friends and I’ll do the friendly thing for a while but I know that there is only a certain type of energy that I can tolerate for long. I still have a female neighbor from ten years ago that calls only to receive my voicemail for years now. But with all that said, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight because I had a different image of who my boss’s girlfriend was. He has a tendency to paint people entirely different to serve his needs. I actually kind of looked at it as a “work job”.

Truth is, I actually enjoyed myself. We had a great conversation and there were things that came up from her that she’d never told anyone. I could tell that she’s never really had a real and true decent female friend in her life. So she talked mostly and I listened. Sometimes that’s all you have to do is listen to someone who feels taken for granted. But soon, the conversation moved quickly to the point as to why I was there. She assumed it was because I just wanted to have a drink and I knew it was more about some sort of therapy.

This part the drinking helped with a lot. She’d asked about my opinion and since my opinion has a lot to do with my situation with THE friend this meant I had to open up a lot but yet still being reserved. I started to share my story, explaining that not only did I understand her issues with my boss because he’s an asshole but also because THE friend is so much like him and we go through “shit” that’s similar.

She kept asking questions like “Does he do this?” My response, “Yes!”. This continued for about an hour. Her asking and me admitting to her and to myself that those two were so alike. Finally, and I knew it was coming, she asked the biggest question… “So why do you keep doing it? Why do you stay?” By this time I was really feeling the alcohol. I looked at her, in a completely sobering yet perplexing manner and said…

“Because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

Yep, that part made her tear. I did not do that on purpose and I didn’t do that to illicit any sort of reaction. It was the most honest and truthful answer that I felt, in my heart, at that moment. I realized in that very moment that this is what it all boils down to with THE friend and me and with my boss and his girlfriend. Difference is obviously those two are probably going to be together as a couple forever now. We, however, are not in the same boat. But still I had a very clear sober drunk moment, if that makes sense.

We talked about a whole lot more than just those two but I realized that information can be used for good or evil. Secrets can be used to good or evil. I could have sat their and probably convinced her (with my vast knowledge) to not leave, to not move away but I knew that it’s probably the best thing for her. At this point she needs time to breath and to live on her own for a while and to let him fix himself. When he’s ready to give up some control and when he’s shown he can grow I think she’ll be more than happy to come back and they can have their happily ever after but shit needs fixing!

That can not be said for my situation because there’s no option of a “happily ever after” with us and if I was to leave I’m not sure that it would matter near as much, if at all but not everything is the same between our situations so I’m aware of this. I think that when I said that one answer though it might have just made more sense to her than to anyone else in the world.

I enjoyed tonight and if my situation has helped in anyway then, again, it’s worth it. I was truthful to someone that I barely know and it was all to help someone who can’t understand or comprehend the blessing that God sent to him. Sometimes, all a girl needs is some appreciation that comes from the heart.

Hope you’re having a great weekend and your homework assignment for today is to show some appreciation for someone in your life that you “can’t life without” but don’t tell them as much as you should.

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To Be Thankful Challenge

DearLilyJune, has nominated me for the Be Thankful Challenge and it’s such a great idea. Thank you for the nomination. I also want to say that I’m thankful for DearLilyJune’s blog. It’s a beautiful idea and Miss Lily June is blessed to have such a great Mom.

Challenge Rules

Share this image in your blog post

Write about five people in your life you are thankful for
Write about five things in 2015 that you are thankful for
Spread the love and challenge five other blogs to take part

Five people in my life that I’m thankful for.

1.) My BFF and Sister: She and I have know each other longer than we haven’t and she is my strength, my laughter and my sanity at times. We’ve both held each other up, saved each other from ourselves and brought each other to tears. We say this of each other, “You are my first priority and last resort”. We often joke that we’ll be single, in our 80’s and living together with a bunch of dogs. I could not have made it this long without her. Those nights where we stay up till 5 in the morning and laugh about the most horrible things are some of the best nights in my life. I will never question her love, caring or concern for me. It is a true Sisters bond without the blood. My parents faux adopted her and now she’s as crazy as I am; however, she didn’t have that far to go.

2.) My Niece: Her laughter is infections. She’s an innocent version of me. She’s beautiful and hasn’t been jaded by all the world will offer one day. To sit and watch her learn and play and just be a kid is one of the greatest gifts in this world. She made me realize that I want to have a child for her to grow up with. She introduced possibilities of what could be for me. She’s crazy smart and perfect. I love that little monkey.

3.) My GBF (Gay Best Friend): I’ve know him for a very long time as well. One of my first encounters with him was the gift of watching him with poise, strength and humanity. He teaches me tolerance, patience and kindness. He’s shown up when I’m at my worst and makes me never question why we’re friends. He’s a positive influence with all things and his kindness is always a great surprise. He gives so much of himself to others and it’s proved to me that there’s always more to give in myself. He’s taught me lessons that I never knew I needed to learn.

4.) My other BF: She has taught me that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. She’s shown me that, if needed, I am strong enough to do things on my own. Because of her and her friendship, she’s given me the opportunity to see what a real, true family’s love can do. Her parents took me in as their own growing up and I still see then as my faux parents. They are wonderful people who have lots of love to give, whether you be blood or not.

5.) My Friend (THE Friend): While we’ve known of each other an extremely long time, we’ve only truly known each other for a short while yet he’s taught me so much. He’s taught me kindness, patience, tolerance and unconditional love. He’s shown me that I am not a callous, heartless bitch and that I can love, care or offer kindness beyond anything that I could ever imagine. He’s shown me what I want for the future and that money, things and “normal” doesn’t matter. He’s taught me compromise and beauty in things that I would have never seen before. He proves that sometimes, just sometimes, I can still be completely and totally surprised by humans in such a good way. He lets me let my guard down enough to realize that what we have is something different and something special and may never be what I want but might be actually what I need.

Five Things I am grateful for

1.) I’m grateful for my music, all kinds and all day.
2.) I’m grateful for this blog so that all my crazy has an outlet and for all the readers that come here and tolerate my crazy rants.
3.) I’m grateful for the surprises in life. The one’s that come out of no where and smack you for a great reason.
4.) I’m grateful for my career. No matter how hectic it is and stressful, it’s something that I like to do and it gives me the monetary support for me to live.
5.) I’m grateful for love. It doesn’t always go as planned and it’s not always in the form you want it to be in but it’s there, all around you.

I nominate the following to take part in the challenge – Each of these bloggers have made some sort of impression whether it be because they make me laugh, think or just entertain but anyone who reads this please feel free to do this. It’s a great way to remember the good things in life.

1. Kindness Blog

2. Stumelton

3. Marta Frant

4. Thoughts of Sheryl

5. Stan

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27 Days of Music – The S’s… and some rambling.

Good Evening. I’ve just gotten back from dinner with some friends and they decided to have a “talk” with me about dating or I should say my lack of dating lately. This is such an effed up topic for me lately for a few reasons. First, my ex still texts me randomly but stupid things. I forwarded one of these texts to my GBF the other night and he said, “Because he made that joke? That’s what guys do. You’re being over critical but it’s your choice”. I wanted to punch him. It was a weird foul joke that could have been better received by a male friend of his so I ignored him. I should probably just stop interacting with him all together because he’ll get the wrong idea otherwise but my GBF (Gay Best Friend) does have a point, which I’ll detail later.

Second, I met a guy a few weeks ago and have been doing the whole “get to know you” chatting since then. He’d asked me what my favorite movies were and as you can tell from my music choices, one of them is Red Shoe Diaries. His reply was “if it’s the one I’m thinking you’re a bit of a wild child”. I’m sure by “wild” he meant slutty which is far from the truth. But I’m already over that guy. He’s a bit boring.

So I have an excuse to not date four different guys in my life right now. To me they are just not what I’m looking for at all. I don’t feel entirely comfortable. They don’t make me smile. They do things that completely gross me out and lastly, even thought they are all very good-looking, I’m not sexually attracted to them, regardless of how very aroused I have been lately.

This brings me to the next portion of this program. You’ve all read, probably numerous times (sorry not sorry for that), what I want, need or cherish in a man right? So, my friend (the one who went MIA for a while) DOES EXACTLY THAT! We went and saw Star Wars last night. After that, came home. I didn’t think he would have stayed, assuming he had many stops on his nightly tour but he did. I had one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a while (he slept on the couch). Then I thought he’d be gone by the time I got home and not only was he still here, which made me happy, but he’d gotten rid of all the Goodwill bags, washed the dishes and was working out after reading a book… We also act like kids with each other.

My point in all this is that he really does check a lot of those effing imaginary boxes and it’s totally and completely unfair because he will never see us as anything other than friends. :-\ So what do I do with all this pent-up emotions, sexual tension and continual thoughts that I’ll never find someone who makes me feel like he does? Well, as of right now, all I can do is write about them here.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew how hard this was for me, would he still do any of it? I know, in my mind, that he’s just being a friend and being helpful and I can separate these things from the reason that I wish he was doing them for but it doesn’t make it any easier. Then, there’s also another reason as to why I can’t let myself fully and completely just enjoy the friend again. I think I’ll always be afraid that the next girlfriend that comes along, he’ll be gone again. I don’t understand this. This doesn’t happen with me, not when I have true friendships. They are the last thing to go, ever. But this last girl who came into his life, he tossed this friendship aside without a second thought, without feeling a thing and without any regret what-so-ever.

I sent him an email the other night. Not sure if he’ll ever read or acknowledge it but I told him that I needed him to tell me what this whole relationship we have meant to him one day. I’ll need him to articulate what this was. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that answer from him nor from God either, who has heard me pray about my friend more than anyone else.

I realize that, in a friendship, where only one has feelings for the other it’s hard and I know that he never asked for this to happen. In fact, I can only imagine that he sits back stunned sometimes that it did. I’ve said this before but if these feelings weren’t here I’m not sure we’d have made it this far and the truth is, we almost didn’t, several times. This time I see him trying so hard to put his life on track and I’m so happy for that. I just really need some proof that while he’s gaining speed to get where he needs to go that he doesn’t leave me on the side of the road again, under a sign that says, “Replaceable”.

There was a whole other part that I was going to write too but I’ll leave that for another day. Hope you’re all having a great week. Regardless of my tone, I’ve had a good week. I’m reserving great for now but good is what I’ll take.

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