Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

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Making plans and smashing them all at once…

You know how I feel about scheduled fun. It’s usually not that fun. So over the last couple days I had plans but by the time I really thought about them I didn’t want to do any of them. My mood is probably better than it should be though and I’m not sure why. Truth is right now I’m looking forward to some cooler weather because it’ll give me a chance to one with a blanket on my couch. Heat up some crock pot chili or something and not really expect much out of life.

Do I think that’s how life will go this weekend? I have no idea but I’d be happy if it did. Meeting someone new is great. I like the “getting to know you” stuff. I like the excitement of everything but it’s also exhausting. There’s something to be said about relationships that you don’t have to think much about but they just happen and you know each other and your comfortable. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact that seems to ring true right now.

I actually do have stuff that I actually do need to do but none of that seems really appealing right now. I don’t really have the energy to get all painted and pretty to see the new guy but that doesn’t mean that his appeal is any less. I just want a few carefree few days of not trying to impress someone else. Does that make sense?

My BFF and I got to chat a little bit more than normal tonight which hasn’t happened in a while. It was mainly about work and family. She doesn’t know about the new guy yet because, as you all know, I like to keep my relationships secret until they serious. Like walking down the isle serious. She doesn’t think that’s right but she also knows that I probably won’t change much about that. It’s only life right?

I guess I’m in a happy funk, if that makes sense. I’m not entirely sad but I’m not perfectly happy. Maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. Works been crazy. I miss the days when I was just an office assistant when I was 17 or so. Course even then I did way more than my job title suggested and now that I own a bit of something it’s an entirely different ball game.

I’m kind of all over the place tonight and I know that. I just can’t seem to think in a straight line right now or get a decent nights sleep. The other day my GBF’s sister tried to help me out by giving me something to help me sleep. I took it and the next thing I knew I’d woken up at 2 pm the next day. Whoops but I made a crap-load of money for the company the day before so I didn’t feel that bad about it. I’d even missed a phone call from one of our investors who’s wanted to do business with me on my non-profit idea but just haven’t found the energy to call him back.

This is probably the time in my life that I need a life coach. I need someone to tell me to wake up early, exercise, get to work, go home, exercise more, eat dinner, take a long hot bath, go to bed early… But no. I have no little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That could either be a good thing for a bad thing. I’m not sure which is better right now.

Is it weird that I actually want someone to tell me what to do? I mean I’ve never really had that so I guess I’m craving that in some weird way. I guess I can understand that logic. So maybe if I write it then it shall happen… That seems to be the way things are going these days. We shall see.

That’s all I got for now. I thought if I wrote out something tonight I’d be more inclined to sleep but I have a feeling that might not work like that. I think I might actually be a bit sadder than when I started this. And this is why I don’t share things with friends much, because I sound like a crazy person.

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June Challenge Day 7

1. Exercise – yes. While working late I had this strange desire to jump up from my chair and run around my boss a few laps but I did not. I did wait till I got home to finish my walk. Still not at a normal pace, a bit slow but that’s ok.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about what makes you truly happy: Happiness… Actually a topic of conversation tonight with my BFF. Some days I feel like nothing will make me happy. Other days everything does. I guess that’s being a woman. But I’ll list a few that come to mind right now:
Having no pants on, at home, makes me happy. I hate pants.

Listening to one of those songs that you’ve not heard in a while. When the song comes on your smile to yourself and maybe close your eyes for a moment or two.

Apparently pancakes make me happy with freshly squeezed orange juice.

Getting someone else to laugh or be happy.

Watching any John Hughes film.

Rereading some of the things I’ve put in the “jarchallenge” makes me happy.

Kissing, especially in the rain, makes me happy.

My BFF makes me happy.

THE friend makes me happy.

Getting a sexy pair of shoes that don’t make my feet hurt makes me happy.

Listening to a child laughing makes me happy.

Thunderstorms, cold nights and warm days both make me happy.

Listening to vinyl or any music.

Going to concerts.

The act of falling in love and still being there makes me happy on a good day.

My Sunday’s make me happy, when THE friend is here or any day that he’s here.

Now that I’ve started I guess I could go on for a while but I won’t.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What memory are you grateful for? There’s actually a lot. I’m grateful for all the times with my BFF, my niece, THE friend. Even on the days that seem to suck, I’m still grateful for all of them. Every memory that I have holds something whether it’s a great memory or something that I need to learn from. I’m grateful for them all.

5. 30 Day Challenge- What do you wear to bed? If I’m alone then usually just a t-shirt but if THE friend, or someone else is here then shorts, pj’s and a t-shirt. Sometimes I’ve woken up the next morning without a sock on but one still on. That’s always interesting. I’ve also woken up without pants on. No, not on a drunken night but I think it’s just a subconscious thing.

Us humans do weird things sometimes. I’m ok with my weirdness. Being quirky is literally a trait of an Aquarius so I’ll just have to find a man that can tolerate it.

What makes you happy? What memories do you cherish?

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June Challenge Day 4

1. Exercise – I got an hour and a half today. In such a fun way.

2. Water – Check… Both drinking and all over me from the rain.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down on thing that you need to forgive yourself for and then forgive yourself: It’s kind of funny. As I sit here I’m going through the Rolodex of mistakes that I’ve made in my life and there’s a lot of things that I need to forgive myself for. I’m weighing each one to see which has had the most effect on me and which I still think about a lot. Have I hurt someone else from my actions? Have I hurt myself by my actions? Has something stuck with me and maybe changed me in a bad way?

I think the one that I’m going to choose today is my ex, Stephen. He and I dated for three years and he’d fallen in love but I didn’t. He’d asked me to marry him and I’d said no but I’d always been honest with him about my feelings. I’d always thought we were just having fun. After a long breakup which lasted way past THE friend and I becoming friends again he’d tried to get back together a lot. He’d moved a couple times, started a business and went on a family vacation to Spain. One he’d asked me to go on after quite some times of trying to be just friends. While he was away he’d died in a car accident. I’d received a call from him Mom telling me the news.

I’d felt guilty for a long time because there was a great man who’d offered me everything I could need but it was nothing that I wanted, from him. There’s was so much that I felt like I never really wanted from a relationship and it wouldn’t be for years passed that I realized I did with someone else. So, I forgive myself for not loving him back and realize that it’s was all out of my control.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What food are you most grateful for? That’s a touch one. I’d probably say steak but I’m not sure. THE friends pancakes might actually make that list of top five now. But also on that list is the steamed artichoke from a local restaurant that my BFF always go to eat at. We have literally driven 30 miles out of our way just to go have the artichoke, a drink and then to a concert.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Who or what can’t you life without and why? My BFF for sure. She’s gotten me through almost every bad thing that’s happened in my life since we met and I hope that I’ve returned that favor as well. We’ve seen each other through boyfriends, breakups, drug addictions, medical problems and we are each others first priority but last resort. She might just be the one person in my life that I can always count on.

I had an amazing dog once that I thought I couldn’t live without. I’d always grown up around big dogs but I didn’t think it’d be fair to have a large dog in an apartment so I went with my old boss to get a dog for her and this little runt chihuahua kept follow me around. I’d always rolled my eyes at those tiny little things assuming they looked like rats and I had no desire to be like any socialite that carried her dog anywhere but he’d just wouldn’t stop following me.

Fast forward an hour and there I am driving back home with him little 3 lb self sitting next to me in my car. I’d named him Cosmo after the drink and instantly fell in love with this little guy. From the moment I’d brought him home though he was proving to be the runt of the litter. He was born with heart issues, eye problems and a luxated patella, in layman’s terms a trick knee. I’d spent thousands of dollars on him and he just kept ticking away.

He was amazing. He’d come to work with me. He’d travel to all the family gatherings and everyone loved him because even grown up he was only 5lbs but he acted like a big dog. He’s sense danger and walk his tiny little body in front of mine and woof like a big dog. He hated whistles, loved pupperoni and tolerated me putting sweaters on him because he was always cold.

After a great nine years I came home and he was going into heart failure. I drove to the emergency clinic and they rushed him in, even with a long line of people, so I knew it was serious. After a moment they took me into their “back room”. That was probably the worst I’ve ever cried. I’d made the decision to put him down without anyone there. It would be days before I’d even tell my BFF or my family that he’d died. My boss didn’t find out until almost six months later.

That’s just one of the many things in my life that I chose to handle emotionally by myself. But after that I realized that people and pets always leave. Some out of choice and some out of death. But after a while I knew that I would be ok without him. Maybe I should act as though I can’t live without more people in my life but history always repeats itself so I try NOT to get too close to anything. Maybe I should forgive myself for that? Maybe I should learn to let someone in. Maybe that should be a challenge I put myself up to.

So this became an emotional post out of accident and I didn’t even get to talk about my day. I hope you are all having a great weekend though. Learn from my mistakes. Tell someone that you’re close to that you love them, and maybe that they make your life better. It might be just what they need to hear today.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 9

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Does it count if you complain in your head while you fantasize about kicking some a-hole in the jewels? If it doesn’t then Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I was still so exhausted when I got home I thought long and hard about taking a nap but instead threw my clothes on and did 55 minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check, so far. I still have a few hours before sleep so hopefully I’ll get all this done.

I’ve had this weird feeling all day. I’m not really sure where it’s coming from but the voices all around me are not helping. No, I don’t mean the voices in my head. This would be one of the downsides to living in an apartment complex. Apparently some neighbors are fighting about something. Other neighbors are stoned. It’s usually pretty quiet around here but not right now.

This was all fine when I was working out because I zone out but now I’m sitting trying to work and that’s not working. For a while I was getting bombarded by texts so I “airplane moded” my phone. I do that now. A lot. I guess that’s a bit of me trying to control my world. Which I still painstakingly still can’t do much. Plus my I didn’t sleep well last night. I was just tossing and turning for no real reason. I guess that weird feeling started last night.

My weekends trying to fill out again, so quickly with appointments but I’ve really started to appreciate the surprises, the last minute “hey lets do this right now” texts. Sounds bad to the ones that plan out an evening with prior notice but I need something new in my life right now. I even thought about turning my hair pink again just to see something different. Why do I crave different so much?

My BFF and I haven’t talked in a while. Granted, the last time we spoke was for seven hours total but we don’t really know what’s going on with each other except we’re both excruciatingly busy. She’ll randomly text me “Good morning sunshine. How are you?” I’ll response with “Good morning moonshine, tired and busy you?” and her reply is usually “same 😦 ) We usually spent Memorial Day weekend together and this year she’ll be coming here to see a show. So we’ll get to see each other at a loud, hot concert and with her family which stresses her out. This should be entertaining or at the least interesting.

My post is even boring tonight and I met a guy today. He was attractive but couldn’t regurgitate anything that he said because I wasn’t even listening. I’m going to rummage round my home a bit to see if anything exciting pops out. Hope you’re having an exciting week.

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For The Love of Music, and the disdain for liars.

I just got confirmation of my tickets for our big summer music festival in town. I’m actually pretty excited about this year. Violent Femmes, The National, Modest Mouse, X Ambassadors… How can I not be excited for this show? The problem with this is this, a few weeks before the show all your “friends” come out of hiding or start being extra nice to you in hopes that they can be your plus one. I thought about who I’d bring. I thought to myself, “Who’s the only person that’s never lied to me, deceived me, never broken any promise to me, never used me…” and I came up with my BFF. That would be the reason she’s my BFF.

That raises a slight problem because she has multiple sclerosis and can’t be in the heat and lucky for us this festival happens in the heat of summer in Texas. We’ll have to figure out something even if it’s getting a hotel room by the fest and just relaxing in between our favorite sets. I don’t mind the heat so much. I’m always cold so it’s nice for me. Plus, I’m probably pretty low on the vitamin D so there’s that.

I love festival season. I love to be outside with the music and the people. Being one with nature and sound seems like a pretty good place right now. In fact, I think that’s where I’m going now. Seems like a good plan. My mood is still the same but I’m trying to ignore all the disappointments in life considering that’s something that’s never going to change.

What else is never going to change? Other people and their flaws and their lies and their dishonesty. For what? What’s the reason that so many people have to lie about things? I don’t understand this. If there was absolutely no way that I could find out about someone’s lies then go ahead. Lie to me but if there’s even a remote possibility that friends who have big mouths or like to send messages on social networks could get to me then why do it?

It’s all so juvenile and it makes them a crappy human. That’s the bottom line and I hate that bottom line. If there was some sort of proof in the opposite direction I wouldn’t be so easily convinced that they were someone that can’t be trusted then I’d probably not believe the truth or whatever someone’s perception of the truth is.

I’m still done helping the people that lie to me. I’m still ok with praying for them though. I think that going to church on Easter helped renew some sort of relationships that I have with God and that helps ground me for now. I have to believe that there is a plan for each of us and just because it’s not the plan that you’ve wished for or dreamed about doesn’t mean it’s not the best plan. Everything happens for a reason right?

But about the people above, some are here for a reason and some are here for a season… That’s what people say right? The only thing that I wonder is the people that tell other peoples secrets, are they doing it because they care or because they’re jealous or for some other reason? I wish I knew what their reason is. That’s all.

Hope you’re enjoying your day.

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Forgiveness Is Easy… It’s The Forgetting That’s Hard.

Yep, I was so angry yesterday and still am today because as of right now, about 24 hours later, he’s still not remembered that we had plans. Because I’m so emotionally “challenged” sometimes, when I’m really feeling angry, I have to do an emotions check with my BFF. Sounds silly right? Well, I know that being a female and sometimes that coming with hormones makes me a little crazier than normal. So she and I balance each other out.

I sent her an “need an emotional check” texted and explained the situation. First, she did what any best friend would do and that’s to say, “I’m sorry your hurting and upset and I’m sorry that happened. Do you want the bestie answer or the her answer.” Then she’d asked me to explain what happened and exactly how I felt. I told her I felt pissed, disrespected, like I’m not good enough to remember plans with and like our plans are insignificant. Then I told her I’d felt so bad that I think I needed both.

This is the bestie version: “Fuck that guy. I hate that he causes you so many upsetting evenings. Even though there is good with you guys the bad makes me angry for you and I don’t like it!!!***stomps foot*** I wanna punch him!!!”

That is what besties are for. I love her for that but I don’t want her to hate him which is why I barely share the bad things with her and because they are our fights to deal with. So immediately I felt loved but also I felt bad that this gave her a bad opinion of him. Then I felt like defending him but stopped. These are my emotions and I feel like crap right now because of his actions. So then came the “her” answer. This one stung a bit but it wasn’t anything new…

“For a long time I expressed to you that when you don’t share your life wit me it makes me feel like you don’t trust or respect me enough to be vulnerable with me. Like you only share selective things because you want to show me the best version of yourself. This is not reality just how I felt. In contrast, I share most tings with you and if you wanted to hear more I’d probably tell you more. So I felt like I was giving more than I received in that department. But over the years I have learned that you need to come to things in your own time and that this is ok. So I no longer take it personally because I understand that this is you and I love you unconditionally. But that didn’t come without a lot of growing pains on my end. I think the same can be applied with the kid. He is who he is. And he will improve at times like you have in this area. For example, you just texted me to check in on your emotions. This is huge growth from my perspective from where you were years ago. I think he will grow in very small increments. it is all about how much you are willing to compromise yourself to adapt to his ways and it will take major work on your part not to take it personally. If he is truly important to you, all things can be worked through. Especially if you believe he cares.”

That’s the thing, I do love him unconditionally but I’ve never felt that unconditional love returned so everything she said is true and I do want to work on things and it feels like we do work on things. Things get better for a week then it’s something else that’s fucked up. I don’t share things with her that are his cross to bare because it’s not my business to share. Just like I’d never share things with our mutual friend. The things that happen between us are just that, well and you guys here.

Also, I am willing for forgive so much more with him than any other man in my life but I also got the question, “Did you remind him?” My answer is that I am not his mother, wife or girlfriend and therefore I shouldn’t have to remind him but I have to let go of any expectations with him and that includes even the slightest bit of a remembrance. I’ve never wanted to be just a day of the week friend and I want this “ship” of ours to work but for that to happen we BOTH need to put in 50/50. So you see my issue. I’ve still NEVER been explained what this friendship means to him and I need that. Being told that “No, it’s not an ‘in case of emergency’ friendship to me” isn’t good enough. If it’s not making a difference to him in any positive way then it’s not worth the pain I have to go through when things fuck up. It’s just that simple.

But to address my BFF’s response, I’ve know for a long time that my lack of communication is a problem and further down she wrote that it’s a trust and vulnerability issue for us and once we share something from our past with someone that means they’re in the “circle of trust”. It’s hard as hell to get in there but I’d put THE friend in there and I’m not sure he’s ever appreciated that or known just how difficult it is for me to open up about anything, even to my BFF. He knows things that only one other person in my life knows and you have to earn that. Maybe I gave him early access for the wrong reasons but he’s had it.

So there is my crapload of thoughts for tonight. So forgiveness is being worked on and would come a lot fast if he even realized that he forgot me. It would also come a lot fast if he actually admitted that he gave a shit. I do love him unconditionally and I think that I always will. It’s just hard to know if he’ll still be in my life while I feel that for him.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Does anyone else feel something in the air?? There’s something strange going on…

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