Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Weekend Warrior and Some Rambling…

I’ll have to admit first that writing in the middle of the day is strange. The urge usually hits me after midnight but I’m sitting here with words trying to escape my mind. So, I thought I’d see what poetry or sober ramblings appear.

My weekend was long and unrestful. Friday, all I could do was wait for 5:00 to come. Although I knew we had a busy weekend of work to do as well. I’d started getting ready for a nice dinner out with my GBF and his sister to celebrate her birthday. Had no idea what the night would have in store after but looking forward to what ever anyway. The restaurant was a nice upscale steak house, darkly lit and wine menu bigger than the rest. We ordered, chatted and enjoyed while making friends with the waiter who gave us a lot of stuff for free. It was nice.

Earlier in the day my boss had heard from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend who said, “We need to talk”. I think it was the worst time for him to hear this as we had a big weekend planned and he emotionally broke down. To this day, he still doesn’t know what the “talk” is about but he’s a pessimist. So, he’s looking at the worst possible outcome. But he was crying, angry, sad, crying, angry sad… You get the idea. It was a perpetual roller-coaster. I get it. I’ve been there but knowing that he had to drive to the beach over an hour away after midnight I didn’t want him to go by himself. I’d offered to go with him.

Now, last week had been a crazy week for me as far as sleep. I got it when I shouldn’t have and didn’t get it when I was supposed to so my sleep schedule was all over the place. I knew it would be a late night so came home after dinner changed clothes and emotionally “readied” myself for my late night excursion with my boss. I got to his place around 11 pm and played with his dog for a while, while he finally ate dinner. We finally got on the road about 11:30 pm.

The weather fit his mood perfectly. It was dark, rainy, foggy and disruptive. It took us just over an hour to get there and during that time it was 75% of him saying the same things he’s said about the break-up as he had for the last few months and 25% of me being that nice supportive friend. We got to the beach and did what we went there to do and started the drive back around 2 a.m. At this point, I’m tired and cranky and that 25% of me being nice was turning into 50% of me being harshly real.

You see, about a month ago, I re-explained a memory or event that my boss and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight over and in no time he was able to see his mistake as to why it became a fight and why his girlfriend reacted in the way she did. I knew that he’d grown spiritually and emotionally just because for the first time in a very long time he was able to see the argument on the other side of things. Knowing that I’ve been re-telling him stories of events that have happened since I’ve know him and trying to explain to him that his actions or reactions have never been empathic.

The problem with all of this is that I’m not trying to bombard him with all these memories nor am I trying to make him feel like shit about anything but I’m trying to make him understand that he has needed to change for years. He’s finally getting it. Some days, with him, I’m supportive and nice and understanding but some days I’m real, honest and trying to teach him because right now, this very moment in time, he’s more open to understanding than ever before. I am grateful for THAT this weekend.

After getting home that night at around 3:30ish and fixing some sleepy tea I finally went to sleep around 4:30/5ish in the morning. I’d decided the night before that I was going to “ground myself” and not do anything except that lasted all of about a few hours. Before long I’d agreed to go to dinner. Then it was “I’ll just go see my DJ friend at a club for a minute”. By the end of Saturday night it was Sunday morning and I was no closer to getting any rest over the weekend what-so-ever. But it was nice to see my friends.

Sunday was a bit boring for me… See, nothing is ever good enough. I went from going out too much to not going out and now it’s boring. My life has very little balance in it in my mind. Some of that is because I’ve not been working out, meditating or doing yoga for a while now and I feel out of balance. So I need to get all that back and go back to clean living again. Where are my yoga pants again?

Disclaimer – all that above was written before midnight and now I’m home and it’s after midnight for the finish.

So that was my weekend which was fun and exhausting and long and short. Mondays are always hard after those weekends because I can’t seem to get my bearings. I can’t seem to find solid ground so I worked as much as I could and then decided to nap before dinner. My dream was so vivid. I woke up from my dream just trying not to move so as not to disturb the memory. It was a good dream. It was about the drummer which I’ve not heard from really since Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We texted a bit but nothing came out of it. And THIS is where things are different for me.

You see, again, I’ve made myself a promise to not react the same that I did with THE friend. Just to be clear this situation is no where close to the situation with THE friend either. I don’t have “feelings” yet for the drummer because we’ve not spent as much time together but I realize that if I did spend more time together I probably would. I’ve promised myself to not run from those feelings.

I am also more understanding with this “ship” because I understand that the drummer is going through a lot of shit. Bundled in that term “shit” would be his whole life. I understand that “just some chick” doesn’t need to come in and change anything so I’m distant yet concerned and helpful yet, hopefully, not a pain in the ass. I offer my help, an ear, a shoulder, possibly other body parts all to ensure that he feels safe with someone. I’m not asking for all his secrets and feelings and dreams but because he and I are both Aquarius’s I’m well aware that we can try to go through the worst of things all by ourselves. I’m not expecting to be the “one” that he shares everything with but I am offering the help because if the situation arose I’d feel better that someone offered me the help. Even though, in my mind, I’d probably not divulge anything real to someone I barely knew.

The other part of this is that before, I’d have been so upset or starting to spiral about why “I’m not good enough” or some other girl brained crap. Fact is, this guy has so much going on it really has nothing to do with me. This isn’t about me. You see, in finding all the perfect words, phrases and examples of memories to help my boss in his current state I think I’m actually giving myself advice that I should be listening to. Now, I finally am listening. It’s a whole brave new world over here. That’s not to say that I’m not having those girl-brain moments but I’m learning from my mistakes. What’s the point in making them if you can’t learn from them.

There’s my weekend and my current state. This is where I confuse myself though because within my weekend there would have been a story about a boy that I met. He was sweet and we hit it off. That was actually a big part of my weekend but because I didn’t immediately feel a connection to him he makes a small no name part in my weekend movie. There’s so much more about life that happens but it’s always about those that I feel the most connected to. I’m learning to embrace the connections, trying to open myself more and trying to fill my good karma bank all in the same breath. While I seem slightly obsessed at times it’s just what gives me the power to write about. I meet guys all the time that I just don’t care to remember to write about. So much for this being a blog about my dating life. The drummer once said to me that I didn’t get the attention I deserved. I then told him I thought he wasn’t as happy as he appeared. Turned out that we were both right. Strange vibe that night… and for this night, I’m done.

Nite xXx.

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Setting Intentions and other Full Moon activities…

First let me explain just how powerful the moon is today and tomorrow… “We are having a major energy shift. Energy is currently super-charged while approaching a full Moon Total Eclipse. Six planets are in retrograde, Mars is appearing as big as the moon and intense geomagnetic storms are happening.

Signs that the full moon is affecting you:

  • Can’t think straight
  • Ears are ringing
  • Head is buzzing.
  • You’re struggling to communicate with others and feel irritable, angry, argumentative, zoned out, zapped of energy and are struggling to sleep.

If you are feeling any of that you are perfectly fine, in fact, you’re better than fine because it means that you are attuned to the universe and are going through a huge personal shift that will feel brutal but will push you through an extreme and much-needed transformation.

All of us are about to experience the longest eclipse of this entire century and at the same time go through the fastest, most powerful and turbulent life changes. It is highly recommended to take time out as often as possible over these next few days and quickly remove yourself from any situations that are potentially becoming explosive.

We’ll all notice our past coming back to test us and the decisions we make over this period will either show how much we have grown or how we are still stuck repeating the same dramas and maintaining ties that we know we should have cut some time ago.

This is our opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’ve learned from heartbreaking mistakes and we’re no longer afraid to end what is harmful and open up to new beginnings that hold life-changing possibilities.

Make sure that you are drinking lots of water, taking salt baths, walking barefoot in nature and take time out alone but mostly deep breaths and count to ten regularly.” – That information was used from ‘iamthebeardgod’ on instagram.

What does that mean for you? Well, it could mean nothing if you’re closed minded. However, if you believe then it could mean everything. We are NOT destined to be stuck in the place we’re at. Things, people, situations and the universe are always conspiring to change our world whether it be internally or externally. We just have to be open to the possibilities of change.

I’ve noticed some crazy reactions this week due to this full moon and let me tell you these are not unrealistic manifestations. I’ve seen someone rage so badly that it went on to effect, no less than, five other people. I’ve felt sexual energy that could be cut with a knife and felt others restless emotions more than ever. I’m being to think that be empathic is not a great thing. There are things to do though that will help get you through all of this and the main thing is to take a deep breath and go be alone. Since I have had a house guest since Sunday, I’ve done that a lot.

Another thing to do during a full moon is to set intentions for the universe at to what you’re looking for, whether it be in a significant other, financially, or just a clearer understanding of others. Find something that you want to change, embrace or understand better. Write it down or speak it into the universe. I actually went and had my chakra’s balanced last night which is a whole thing I’ll talk about another time but I left my friends place feeling “found” again and back in place. My body tingled and my head was clearer. It was a beautiful thing.

Today, though, I set my intentions for the things I need, want or desire because, well, that’s what I do…

  • I want a sense of purpose and belonging. I want to make everyone’s life better who’s around me.
  • I want financial freedom and a sense of security.
  • I want to be at peace with my past, presently so my future is no longer effected.
  • I want to be healthy, happy and energized.
  • I want my relationships to be strong and meaningful and powerful.
  • I want music in my life even more than now. I want to enjoy it. Let it move me. Feel it every day.
  • I want those around me to be happy and content yet always striving for better. I also want those around me to be calm and peaceful.
  • I want a happy, peaceful and sexually charged home 🙂 for me. I want a fun and loving home as well.
  • I want to feel confident, sexy, beautiful and powerful.
  • Now the fun part: Seeing my intentions for a romantic relationship 🙂
    • I want a man who is fun and funny.
    • I want a man who is kind and sexy.
    • I want a man who is tattooed and loves music.
    • I want a man who is beautiful and spiritual.
    • I want a man who looks at me and I feel it everywhere.
    • I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels and what he wants.
    • I want a man who is strong and happy.
    • I want an exotic man. (Maybe with an accent).
    • I want a man that wants to be with me because I am all those things and more.
    • I want an honest man who is also trustworthy.
    • I want romance and good surprises and communicates.

And those are my intentions for this powerful full moon. What are yours?

xxx

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Full Moon and other things…

I’m sure, by now, that you’ve heard about the moon tomorrow. Things are about to change. Everything is about to change or so some would have the world believing. I’m all about the full moon and how it effects people and situations. Plus, it’s a great way to recharge your energy.

I tend to do two things that recharge my energy. I try to sit under the full moon or/and I got to the beach. I tend to like to do both those things by myself but this week I went with my friend (my co-workers wife). It brought all kinds of drama up from her family and in-laws because, it appears, that everyone is crazy. I used to think I was the crazy one.

Here’s the weird thing about this girl and my’s friendship. It’s happened quickly and we both feel like we’re sisters. We actually look a like as well. We both have long blonde hair, green eyes but that’s about where things stop. Technically we’ve only been spending time together since March, so it’s not even been five months.

I’m bringing this up because her husband, my co-worker, basically asked me if she could stay here all week because he’s refinishing some counter tops and the smell in the house is terrible. I said sure. But I’ve been going about my normal routine of going out, my drives listening to music and seeing friends. Sometimes she’s come with me and sometimes she just stays on my couch and watches chick flicks. It’s basically like we’re already roommates. Since I’ve lived alone for such a long time it’s nice to have someone here.

But also, and I just realized this, but I’ve not had THE friend here but twice I think since October. You know what? I’m ok with that. The quick note on that ,to at least have closure, is that the last time we did see each other I realized a few things. First, we actually spoke… the entire time. Well he did for the most part. He told me about his life right now and how much it’s changed and how much he’s doing. He’s got a girlfriend which is a good influence on him. He’s doing really well.

I sat there and listened to him talk about his life and was so happy for him. I think that the hurricane changed both our lives but one thing it made ME realize is that I wasn’t helping him. I might have given him some joy in the beginning of our friendship but after a while I was just a dock for him to anchor his boat at and hide from the world. Toward the end of our friendship it became clear that it was masochistic for both of us. I have always wished for the best for him and I think he’s getting that now and I’m glad that I stopped wanting to hang out or texting back. We had a great “last talk” and I didn’t know it would be our last talk when it happened but now realize that we’re good and both in a much happier place. I never wanted to end up hating him and I don’t.

I took so much pain from the relationship that I, honestly think, stopped being “in love” with him a long time ago but never realized this. I was just… lonely or craving a relationship and held on to that so tight thinking that I’d never be that comfortable with another man. Well, that’s not what happened.

Since moving back here in October I have met the most interesting guys and started some really amazing relationships. I’m having fun. The back of my mind I will always be looking for a new relationship. I’ve put out into the universe that I’m ready for “the next big thing”. I’m setting my intentions for the full moon and will enjoy whatever comes. I’m excited.

A year ago, I’d forgotten to remember how beautiful things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how fun things could be. I’d forgotten to remember how happy I could be the moment that I released my attachment to things, people and situations. You CAN’T control everything but you CAN control how you feel about things. I’ve stopped having expectations. I’ve stopped dwelling. I am not perfect and am always trying to get to the next big step in my life but am enjoying the moments more. I stopped being mad at the universe for not giving me what I thought I was supposed to have which was a family, 2.5 kids and a dog in a white picket fence. That’s never been me. I’m not THAT girl.

What I’ve noticed since all those things above happened? I’ve been told that I’m beautiful and fun and crazy and smart and amazing and sweet and different and special and my energy is contagious and that I even look like Kristen Bell, Carrie Underwood and some chick I’ve never heard of before. But my point is people have said those things to me before but I was never in a place to truly believe those things before.

My life is weird and strange and I’ve said all that before and I’m ok with it. It’s different. I’m different. It’s beautiful and so am I.

My words to you today are these: Go outside tonight or tomorrow night and drink in the moon light. Drink in the power and energy. Throw out the negative and breath in the positive.

That is all for now. xxx

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Space, time and the final frontier…

One of the few things that I love is space, the stars, astrology and science. One of the first things we, as a family, did when we first came over from England was go to NASA and it was fascinating. While my attention has passed more to astrology and the stars, I will always remember our autographed photos of Buzz Aldrin. They hung on our walls till the day my parents moved. Since I’m a bit moved over to the stars, when I’ve had a rough or shitty day I love to take a walk at night, look up at the stars and sometimes (in a cheesy Disney sort-a way) I wonder who’s doing the same thing somewhere else.

There’s not much of a reason that I’m telling you this now. It’s just that I did that last night. I was trying to process things and found the only solace being outside in the night sky and now it’s perfect weather to just enjoy it whether you’re contemplating anything or not.

One thing I was thinking about is that it might be possible that I give people too much space. Let me back-track. I was watching one of my friends the other day who’s got a new girlfriend. We were trying to catch up and have a nice meal but his gf would not stop texting him. She called a few times. It was annoying for me and I could tell that he was getting more than annoyed. This prompted the “space” conversation. Whenever I’ve dated someone, I can’t just be one of those people that jumps in and combines everything. The idea that, all of a sudden, we’re linked through 20 different types of social media, there’s a texting conversation that can’t be ignored for more than 10 minutes or they just become immersed in all parts of my life, scares and annoys the shit out of me.

People should have their own space. I’ve never believed that all things should be bound together once you start a relationship. I don’t and have never changed my “status”, don’t really care that someone I went to school with 20 years ago knows I’m dating someone or not and I don’t need constant validation that they are everywhere, whether I need it or not.

You all know this. I’m a huge advocate on space and personal time. I know that this is not always the case with everyone else though but two people should not morph into one, once they become a couple. They should still have time out with their own friends, have days that they don’t HAVE to speak or text and have time to themselves. Doesn’t all of that make it better when they do spend time together?

Now, on the exact opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve been guilty of doing the extreme opposite. I give people too much time and space. I don’t reach out (we all know that’s a flaw for me) and my thought process is usually, “When they’re ready, I’ll hear from them”. My closest friends know that this is who I am. It might take a great man to change that in me but my thoughts on two people becoming one once they date will never change. I don’t think that’s what should happen. I don’t believe that one person should (to quote a stupid movie) “complete” another person. I believe that a person should compliment another and this is the same as friends or lovers. We, as ourselves, are complete as one.

But, after all that being said, my feelings on the situation are not entire correct and neither is the extreme. There is a happy medium in between. But until I reach that, the people closes to me are all aware that if they want to see me, talk to me or hang out then it’s usually them who need to reach out, either because I’ll make time for them as soon as I can or it might be the one thing that pulls me out of my own head, especially when there’s been too much craziness around me. I tend to fall into a sort of solitary confinement that’s hard to pull myself out at times. Sometimes, I wish I had a superhero beacon when I fall into my black holes. The things we wish we had…. 🙂 I suppose my final frontier will be to find a man that’s strong enough to pull me outta my own head.

Those are my thoughts this morning. Hope you all have a great day.

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