Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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When the ties that bound are now only loosely tethered. 

Yesterday I was feeling bad, pain-wise. I slept most of the day. I went into the kitchen later in the day to fill a water jug and just saw nothing but a mess. There was spilled wine, loose rice, caked oil and both sinks full of dishes. It seemed to be the appropriate symbolism for the relationship that created that mess. It annoyed and upset me because in my mind it’s just disrespect. I couldn’t even fill a water jug and didn’t have the energy through my pain to fix this mess. 

I tried to not let it assault me personally but I couldn’t help but feel that it’s this complacency that I dread. These are the reasons that I feel like I’m losing a connection to someone that I once felt I’d never lose. That makes me sad. 

I think I’ve not felt that connection for some time now but have been trying to lie to myself about it. It’s all about that, that’s what bound us together. So what binds me now? We have no real “friendship”, it’s not sexual or spiritual. It used to feel that way. Neither one of us tells our friends that we hang out. It’s like some weird, strange shameful secret, on his part. On mine part it’s because I don’t want to upset him by saying something I shouldn’t. 

This is an unacceptable place that we have gotten to and one that can no longer be sustained. It’s so unfair to me because I get nothing from this except sadness. I thought my feelings would change from my last post. I thought that I’d feel better but I feel worse. 

I’d read my last post again and thought it might have sounded as though I was done because he doesn’t love me. I’ve always been clear on that. It has to do with the callousness of his words he uses. Who needs their own feelings trampled on, and thrown back in their face with disrespect? No one. I would never discuss “finding the one” with someone that had feelings for me as if their heart didn’t matter and never did. 

It reminded me of when we were more than just one night of the week. When we laughed and made each other mix CDs. Then I realized that after each and everyone of his “sweet” moments came a request for a favor. How did I become this carpet of his to do with how he pleases? How did I become this human trash can for him to dump the crap on? 

I had this thought that if I was actually a close friend to him and I was telling him of all the things someone did to me likes he’s done, if he cared he would have told me that I was stupid and that I deserve to be treated better than that. Funny how that would have worked. This would be where the good days no longer are more than the bad days. 

I can’t believe I’m in this place. I can’t believe I’ve let things get this bad. For what? For what? I know that I’ve never treated anyone like this so its not karma. Especially with this relationship. I’ve been more kind, concerned and accommodating than with anyone else in my life and it’s the worst return in history. I guess it’s one of those compensation things. 

I just realized that he hates these feelings that i had/have but they’re what’s kept me here for him so long and now in a karmic twist he treats my feelings like my home and makes me want to be further away from here than ever. So amongst the spilled wine, the dirty dishes and the broken glass I found you’ll be able to see my heart at the bottom of it all. It’s in tiny pieces with his foot prints all over. What did I ever do to be treated like that? The answer? Nothing. I have never done anything like that. 

My therapist is going to enjoy me today. At least I can be done knowing that there’s nothing more that I could have done. Thank God for therapy, exercise and knowing what I deserve. This too shall pass after a good scrub down of my kitchen later. 

I’ve spent years trying to look at our situation through both our eyes. I wish, just once, he would have done the same. 

  

The Art of Being Forgotten… Round Two.

Yep, still feels like crap. Forgotten again. I wish I didn’t give a shit any more. I’m officially giving up my Wednesday night to some other girl. Maybe that girl won’t be forgotten. I honestly don’t remember doing anything in my past that would equate to this sort of punishment.

No one forgets plans this much with someone that they actually want to spend time with. That’s the final answer. No lifeline needed. How is it possible to ask someone for a favor, they do that favor and you still treat them like yesterdays newspaper. I guess it’s a good thing that the weather is matching my mood right now. Baring some natural disaster that stopped all communication, notifications and just plain being respectful I honestly can’t keep doing this to myself.

I’ve learned a long time ago that the feelings are no where close to mine, not even on the same planet but to not even be nice enough to be considerate to a friend is shitty. There I go feeling shitty again. No one needs to tell me that this isn’t fair. I am very aware of that. I really thought this time was going to be different though. There I go being wrong again. I sincerely hope that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this.

This makes me want to throw the “favor” away so it’s in the same place his respect for me is. I hate this feeling. Today was a good day until now. I was hoping it would have been a fun night as well. Apparently, my expectations weren’t low enough. I really didn’t think he’d do this to me twice. I’m so tired of this.

Tomorrow will be a better day. After today things feel different. Maybe that was all in the grand scheme of things. Maybe that was supposed to be this way. Eventually, I won’t care at all. I miss those days of me not caring at all. Hope he has a nice night with whoever doing whatever was more important. I’m sick of this effing shit. Tomorrow’s the day I’m no longer a masochist. My head is screaming that I’m an effing idiot to keep doing this to myself.

Maybe I’ll write later but for now those are my feelings that I had to get out… I hate emotions.

   
 

Reading the Wrong Signs…

Almost everyday I drive past this orthodontist sign that has a guitar on it. It doesn’t make sense to me unless the dentist is somehow playing a guitar at the same time he’s drilling someone’s tooth and if that’s the case then he is one that I do not wish to go see. That’s my interpretation of that sign. I think I’ve proven to be pretty bad at interpreting anything, especially these days.

After work I went to go see a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s my Shaman friend that I’ve talked about before. She could immediately sense that I was “not right”… I’m not sure I’ve ever been right though but after a few minutes of talking about the stress of my job and my health she gave me a large amethyst rock. It’s supposed to have all these healing properties. It’s supposed to bring happiness and prosperity to those who are around it and bring peace and clarity when dealing with problems. This is astounding to me since she doesn’t even know the half of my problems but for now it’s just supposed to be around me and my loved ones. It’s pretty big though so since I’m not heaving it around anywhere they can all come here if they want some good luck, positive energy or healing. It was a nice thought though.

She also reads people, cards and signs. She’s predicted my future on many occasion and she doesn’t even know that much about me. She’s told me about my past and other things. She’s been right so far but we shall see. Mostly, I just like being around her because she has a very calming nature. From the moment I step into her house it’s as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders which today was needed.

My day started with a fight with my boss but I suppose most of my week days start like that recently. Work is stressful and it’s making me sick and he doesn’t understand that. Not to mention that he’s also an irrational child who doesn’t think about anyone but himself. His family, when he was growing up, had a phrase for him, “Stop the world he needs to get off!” That is him in a nutshell.

I’m not really sure why I’ve chosen a career world filled with selfish assholes salted all around. For once, just once I’d like someone to take care of me. I’d like for someone to look out for my needs and to just effing look out for me. That’s pretty selfish to say since I’ve had the opportunities in the past to let them but never wanted to and now I want to and it’s not there. Karma anyone? I believe this is the exact definition of it. There are actual times in my life when the voice in my head screams out, “Ask for help you a-hole!!!!!” But then I think better not too. No one needs that much of my crap.

Blah, this is residual from my day being vomited on this page. I’ll apologize for that. My day was frustrating and my night was decent so there’s that. I finished my run and got some of that out and then walked some more and got even more out, anger that is but I thought about the question, “How are you?” Such a simple question that probably gets asked millions of times a day. Out of those millions how many times does it actually, truthfully get answered? People respond with “fine” so quickly and use some sort of mask to shield their true emotions. Course, then you have those bat-crap crazy people who use the question to jump onto their soapbox filled with their hypochondriac-isms because they made the mistake of googling “what’s that thing on my knee” and now they fully believe they’re going to sprout three heads and each one filled with a different type of cancer. So yeah, we put on masks to not sound crazy. Does it even work anymore though?

I’m actually in a decent mood. Don’t let this strange post let you believe otherwise. I’m off to bed soon, I think. Better day tomorrow.

Hope you’re having a great week! How are you?

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Fight or Flight… The Fear of Fear.

As much as I’m in to listening to music while driving, I’ve also found a few podcasts that I’ve become a bit addicted to. I talked about one the other day, Abel James (Fat Burning Man) and while listening to that it led me to Dr. Pedram Shojai (The Urban Monk).

Today I was able to listen to two of Dr. Shojai shows and I was destined to listen to these two fully so I drove around, the long way to finish both. The first was “Riding the moon with Stasha”. It explained something that made me have one of those ah-ha moments. The point was about women and how our emotions get the best of us if we don’t understand them. If you EVER have had a rough time during “that time of the month” ladies or you’re a man that just doesn’t understand why your woman can go from sweet to crazy in 6 seconds flat please listen to it. You’ll understand and probably a lot more than you might have wanted. I found it interesting and hopefully helpful.

The second was “Finding confidence and your true voice with Per Bristow”. This one kind of stuck in my head for a while. It had me thinking of all the things that we fear or I fear and what stops me from doing the things that I want to do and why. Another thing we, as humans, all have in common is fear but I suppose it’s how we handle that fear that defines us.

What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of a lot of things. Some of these I’ve voiced before and some I’m not even sure I can articulate.

What am I afraid of…

– That not having a husband or posterity will mean that I am just existing and not living.

– That my BFF will end up in a wheel chair or worse long before we get to make fun of our old selves.

– That I won’t make some difference for the better in this world.

– That any one person will ever know the whole truth of me and not just pieces. This both scares me if it happens and also, strangely, if it doesn’t.

– That I won’t live up to my full potential.

– That someone who knows me will know all my fears.

– That I may never be at peace with all that’s happened in my past.

– That THE friend and I will never get things right and that we’ll lose each other in the process.

– That I’ll lose my GBF because he refuses to take care of himself.

– That I’ll never know what true and content happiness feels like.

– That I’ll never know what being a mother feels like.

– That I’ll never be comfortable in my own skin.

So those are the fears that come to mind and what scares me the most is that some of those are easier to fix than I give them credit for but it’s the fear that stops me. What if the guy from the other night (the kiss) or my ex or someone else is the one I’m supposed to be with and it’s fear that stops me from being with them and not actually the fact that they’re not like THE friend? What if leaving my job, this place and all that I’ve known most of my life is what actually brings me true happiness but I’m too scare to try?

Flying, sky diving or being boldly honest; those are all cake walks compared to my real and true fears in life. What if I wake up one day with regrets? What if I wake up one day and realized that just because something or someone didn’t look or feel the way I assumed they should, what if that was my chance and I effed it up? What if everything that happens doesn’t actually happen for a better reason but is just what it is?

What if I’m too scare to try, or to say something real or to just stop letting emotions get in the way of being truly who I’m supposed to be?

The problem with most of our fears is that trying to deal with them usually makes us awkward or angry. Ever tried to fight with someone who’s feeling insecure or vulnerable? It usually turns way uglier than it should because angry is a go-to response.

What if, for just that moment that you started to feel angry you just took a deep breath, closed your eyes and just said what you were truly feeling? What’s the worst that could happen?

That’s probably the worst phrase in the English language… “What’s the worst that can happen?” Because our fears make it possible that whatever the worst is, does happen. This goes back to expectations. Stop expecting things out of a situation. Enjoy the moments that might get you to where your supposed to go.

Perfect example and I’m guilty of this I’m sure. You’re on a date. You like the person and your immediate thought is how you want the date to end whether it be a kiss, sex or whatever. So you focus on that forgetting to enjoy the moments that will make that possible and when your expectations aren’t met at the end of the night, you get mad or upset and usually at the wrong person. It’s been way too long since I’ve been on an actual true date so my memory might be a bit fuzzy but that’s how I remember things might have gone.

So my million dollar question for tonight is this: “If you could give one super power to everyone in the world for one day, what would it be?” I would make everyone fearless for one day, maybe not all in the same day but I’d like to see what this would allow everyone to do, say or be? That would be interesting.

For just one moment of one day, soon, take a deep breath, close your eyes and be fearless, honest and jump.

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Two Forward One Back… Are We Dancing Yet?

For the most part, I had a nice day. Work is stressful but busy so it makes the time go by. I was getting bombarded all day with invitations to do weird shit tonight but I had declined all offers knowing that I had plans. My day was going to be work, workout, TV or movies with THE friend and an early night. My day went work, workout, dinner with friends and an early night, maybe.

Around 7ish, when I hadn’t heard from THE friend, I’d texted him and he’d “forgotten”. Here’s the thing, my days are packed. I have work shit all over the place, meetings, appointments and friends to see and none of them nor me “forget” plans. I have the worst memory but I try to put a lot of things in my phone so that it reminds me. But since this doesn’t happen with anyone else I have to recognize my feelings about it. Forgetting plans translates to forgetting that person. Forgetting me? Well, I’m so sorry that I’m not some magically glittery unicorn that excites you enough for you to remember one day of plans.

That was my initial reaction. Then it changed a bit. My boss is a lot like THE friend and he forgets shit all the time. BUT he never forgets the fun or cool shit. That’s always the first thing he remembers. So then I start to think “Wow, I’m neither cool nor fun enough to remember. Awesome”. Then I want to cry a bit. I realize that this one instance and this one word “forgot” makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Then I realize that this is just bringing out all my insecurities and making me realize why I can’t get emotionally invested in this friendship again.

Now, I’m not five years old so if plans had changed that’s a whole other story. I’m fine with that. Shit happens (as they say). But I was FORGOTTEN! And for some reason I feel small and insignificant to one fucking person and it changes my mood. I realize that this is stupid because I have a shitload of other people that don’t feel that way about me, that don’t forget plans with me and that make me realize my worth. So why does one person make me change those ideas? It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself for caring, for expecting anything and because I let this bother me. I’m pissed because I give up power where he’s concern. I’m angry at myself for giving a shit.

On the drive home, I had this weird conversation in my head with his side being something like, “It’s not a big deal. I forget shit all the time. Get over it.” My side of it was trying to explain that what if we’d made plans, you were going to cook dinner and were waiting for me and I just never showed up and never texted you at all. How would that make you feel? It made logical sense to me in my mind, while having this fictional conversation. At the end of it I screamed one long loud primal scream in hopes that it would get out of my system knowing that my last resort was to capture it here to get it out of my head because God forbid a female has an emotion.

That being said, do I bring this up. Nope, because I can’t care anymore. I can’t let this shit bother me. It really is like we take two steps forward and one back except it’s not a dance and I’m not having any fun. But apparently I’m the only one who gives a shit so it’s really just my problem anyway right?

Obviously, if I didn’t get angry then I wouldn’t care but now I feel the need to distance myself and put up a wall again. My wall, in the past, has been so thick that nothing could penetrate it and only then did I not get hurt. Those were better days for pain, or lack thereof except I also didn’t let the good stuff in either. Since my life is about balance, health and getting to a better place I can’t do that again. I can’t go back there again but I also can’t keep doing this.

It seemed like a small thing but it’s not because it brings out all my insecurities and all the things that were wrong with our friendship in the past. The last time we hung out it was good. I even thanked him for trying so hard (the two steps forward) and now this. If I was to write words on a picture of me right now they’d say things like “insecure, forgettable, disrespected, not good enough, small, insignificant” but I know that those are only temporary and that I can’t allow myself to believe those things. Even if he thinks of me that way no one else does so why should I care anymore.

As I said, I was having a nice day. But now, it’s out of my system a bit so I’m going to go to bed early and forget this shit as easily as he did. I have a good busy week ahead so this is just a bump in the road, I just wish it didn’t damage my heart a bit.

Hope you’re all having a good day.

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Strange things and memories…

I did a strange thing today. Strange for me anyway. I went through all my old photos and printed some of my favorite ones out to put on my wall of pictures. While I did this I had a revelation. My revelation was that instead of ignoring, trying to forget or hiding the memories over the last few years, today was the first day I wanted to remember the good times. So I printed a few here and a few there and now my wall has some great reminders of some really great days.

Also, feeling nostalgic I guess, I went back and read some old posts on here and also realized just how angry I’ve been and just how sad I’ve been. But I can finally feel like I can breath again. I guess time does actually heal things. I also figured out that it wasn’t always about someone else’s actions that made me that way. I realized that it was more about what I wanted to be that I knew was never going to be.

Some of this is part of my therapy of 2016 so that I can reach my goals. Part of this is to understand what exactly happened on that day to make me feel the way it did and a lot of my emotions came from places that I didn’t realize at the time but am fully and completely more aware of them now more than ever.

But the most important lesson that I’ve learned is that I am still ok. After all the shitty stuff that’s happened, and not just in the last part of last year but my whole life, I’m ok. I’m still here and there’s a reason for that. I’m almost sure that the reason is not so that I can accumulate the most amount of shoes that any one’s owned and I’m also sure that I’m not here to be a human punchline for the man upstairs.

It did feel at times that there was a cosmic joke being played and I was the pawn. I guess, when you’re at your lowest, you try to blame everything one else for the sadness, anger or confusion. There were absolutely people that added fuel to the fire pit of shitty emotions but some of those didn’t even know who I was. They just wanted to take their shitty moods out on someone else.

I now know what I want out of life and how to handle situations differently. I now know that this is what being a real human adult feels like. People used to say that when you have your first big bill or car note or rent or mortgage, that’s when you feel like a real adult but I don’t think it actually happens until you get your heart broken, even by accident. That’s when you realize that this shit is real.

People also say that sometimes, when life is bad, just when you think it can’t get worse, it might actually start to get better. My history has usually proven that this is not the case. Mine usually gets worse but when things are out of your control then I suppose you just have to “roll with the punches” OR you can just live your life and throw your own punches back. I like that idea better.

It’s been a nice weekend so far, with all the memories. I’ve had a good, relaxing and contemplative weekend. I still have my Sunday left and I hope to still stay in this mood. I like this place I’m in. It’s a bit of a solitary mood but visitors are more than welcome to come in. They can stay, eat some good luck soup and watch 14 different types of streaming TV. The best part about this mood is that I can be alone, yet not lonely and if there was a visitor, we could just sit without words and I’d be ok. Not that I’m much of a talker anyway.

There’s still much to organize and even though I’m a control freak who is being driven insane with the clutter around me, I know I can’t do it all in one day. I will probably need a handy man for some of these things but it’ll get to the zen place that I picture in my mind one day. The best part about this weekend, though, is that it’s raining. I always like the rain after midnight on New Years because it feels like it helps to wash away the bad shit, cleanse and drown out the sins of the previous year. It helps everything be fresh and new again.

So, these are my ramblings at 3 in the morning. Thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a nice weekend as well.

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