Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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The Unapologetically Uneducated…

One thing that I find myself doing, a lot, is seeking and searching for knowledge. My GBF’s sister jokes that if one of us doesn’t know something, “Just wait they’ll look it up”. I do this because I have a thirst for knowledge which is much different in this world than a thirst for gossip. The also do this because I would be an uneducated useless human if I didn’t.

So back in school, I was horrific. Let me explain. I loved school up until High School and once that hit I found modeling which led to drugs which led to musicians which led to so much fun. I am inherently smart. On my standardized testing I always scored in the top 5% of the country. My IQ is technically “genius” but that’s just a number. All that means is that I can retain what someone else has asked me to.

To me, being intelligent is about the ability to research and make your own conclusion about things, ideas and people that have not been ingrained from years of scholastic repetition. Intelligence is the ability to, not always agree with someone’s ideas but to, find some sort of reasoning as to why things MIGHT be different and at the very least to listen to someone else’s idea.

My first real test of this was religion. I was raised until I was five going to church with my Grandmother. My father is an agnostic and my brother is an atheist. My mother, I believe, believe’s in a higher being but doesn’t really think much about it. Basically, I grew up being the family that allowed “grace” to happen as a preamble of a meal and waited to politely say “amen” but mostly, uncomfortably, doing it out of respect.

Years ago, my real truth expedition began. I read a lot about all kinds of religion. I even read the bible. I had many conversations with people from the Christian Church, Buddhist, Muslims, Shamans, Wiccans all the way through atheists. I wanted to know where their belief system came from. The majority of people inherited their religion and never found a reason to question it. Then were the people that basically chose an entirely different path BECAUSE the one that they’d inherit didn’t fit their lifestyle.

Now, doing my research I started in the Church of England personally but not by choice. I was too young to decide. Years later, as a teenager I found some solic in the Wiccan religion because of the draw to nature and the female presence. Now, and for some time I’ve been feeling out the Buddhist religion. In all my searching and researching I discovered the one basis of most all religions which is kindness. Let that sink in for a bit. Almost ALL religion states that one must live a kind life and be kind to others. So that is my first commandment, if you will.

The other issue is that I found a lot of religions to cast out people that didn’t fit a certain mold. I have a lot of gay friends and just because I am not one doesn’t mean that it’s ok for me to abide by any scripture that states anyone should be cast out for loving someone different than what they decided the “normal” would be. In the same breath some scripture states to not judge anyone else except that’s exactly what is done by casting out one type of person.

At the end of the day though, I believe just like in relationships, that religion is not a cookie cut type of situation. Things, people, technology all evolves but the one thing that doesn’t seem to evolve is religion. Why not? It should be used as a buffet that allows you to learn about each culture, meaning and ritual that each religion has and address to your own life accordingly.

That’s why I say I am spiritual. I believe in the sun and the moon. I worship nature. I try to treat everyone kind and equal. Isn’t that what life’s about? It’s about learning, educating and accepting those things that are not breed in you or jaded unto you by your parents, surroundings, or even school.

While I understand why a lot of people have chosen to believe in the higher power as he is set in stone in their cookie cutter religion, I also believe that in this world that we’ve created we’ve made the most easily accessible society the most lonely. We are more connected today than we’ve ever been before yet more and more people feel alone and disconnected from themselves, their families and the world. We can order a steak dinner to be delivered in 30 minutes but we can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

In that world described above I understand that some people choose to believe that the higher power is up there with open arms to embrace them at a moments notice. They feel less alone and always taken care of. I’m not saying that I don’t believe because there are times that I’ve cried to a higher power to take away my pain and suffering. I’ve blessed people that I didn’t know going through a hard time. I’ve thanked a higher power for getting me through something. There is a comfort in this. But I can not unequivocally say one way or another whether this is a fictitious image or whether it’s real. Truth is, I just don’t know. But I will always try to find ways to educate myself in all things because you can’t fight for something if you don’t know why you’re fighting for something.

I recently had a conversation with someone that had entirely different thoughts than I’ve had. He has different versions of what I’ve been taught to believe. His entire mindset seems like the opposite end of the spectrum. After he was done talking he’d asked if I, now, thought he was crazy. I replied, “No, I think you’re fascinating. I might not agree with everything you say BUT I will always listen.”. Since then I keep thinking of these things he’s said and done some research about this realized even more than no one should just be complacent to what they’ve been taught. Always keep an open mind and heart.

But, if you believe in nothing else, believe than kindness to all is never a bad idea. Even if you go back to the thoughts, or ideas that you’ve always had to believe in you’ve made an educated decision to do so. Believe in your convictions not because you have been told to but because you know, unequivocally that they are the truth that you’ve seeked.

Just my words tonight… Be kind. xXx

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Weekend Warrior and Some Rambling…

I’ll have to admit first that writing in the middle of the day is strange. The urge usually hits me after midnight but I’m sitting here with words trying to escape my mind. So, I thought I’d see what poetry or sober ramblings appear.

My weekend was long and unrestful. Friday, all I could do was wait for 5:00 to come. Although I knew we had a busy weekend of work to do as well. I’d started getting ready for a nice dinner out with my GBF and his sister to celebrate her birthday. Had no idea what the night would have in store after but looking forward to what ever anyway. The restaurant was a nice upscale steak house, darkly lit and wine menu bigger than the rest. We ordered, chatted and enjoyed while making friends with the waiter who gave us a lot of stuff for free. It was nice.

Earlier in the day my boss had heard from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend who said, “We need to talk”. I think it was the worst time for him to hear this as we had a big weekend planned and he emotionally broke down. To this day, he still doesn’t know what the “talk” is about but he’s a pessimist. So, he’s looking at the worst possible outcome. But he was crying, angry, sad, crying, angry sad… You get the idea. It was a perpetual roller-coaster. I get it. I’ve been there but knowing that he had to drive to the beach over an hour away after midnight I didn’t want him to go by himself. I’d offered to go with him.

Now, last week had been a crazy week for me as far as sleep. I got it when I shouldn’t have and didn’t get it when I was supposed to so my sleep schedule was all over the place. I knew it would be a late night so came home after dinner changed clothes and emotionally “readied” myself for my late night excursion with my boss. I got to his place around 11 pm and played with his dog for a while, while he finally ate dinner. We finally got on the road about 11:30 pm.

The weather fit his mood perfectly. It was dark, rainy, foggy and disruptive. It took us just over an hour to get there and during that time it was 75% of him saying the same things he’s said about the break-up as he had for the last few months and 25% of me being that nice supportive friend. We got to the beach and did what we went there to do and started the drive back around 2 a.m. At this point, I’m tired and cranky and that 25% of me being nice was turning into 50% of me being harshly real.

You see, about a month ago, I re-explained a memory or event that my boss and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight over and in no time he was able to see his mistake as to why it became a fight and why his girlfriend reacted in the way she did. I knew that he’d grown spiritually and emotionally just because for the first time in a very long time he was able to see the argument on the other side of things. Knowing that I’ve been re-telling him stories of events that have happened since I’ve know him and trying to explain to him that his actions or reactions have never been empathic.

The problem with all of this is that I’m not trying to bombard him with all these memories nor am I trying to make him feel like shit about anything but I’m trying to make him understand that he has needed to change for years. He’s finally getting it. Some days, with him, I’m supportive and nice and understanding but some days I’m real, honest and trying to teach him because right now, this very moment in time, he’s more open to understanding than ever before. I am grateful for THAT this weekend.

After getting home that night at around 3:30ish and fixing some sleepy tea I finally went to sleep around 4:30/5ish in the morning. I’d decided the night before that I was going to “ground myself” and not do anything except that lasted all of about a few hours. Before long I’d agreed to go to dinner. Then it was “I’ll just go see my DJ friend at a club for a minute”. By the end of Saturday night it was Sunday morning and I was no closer to getting any rest over the weekend what-so-ever. But it was nice to see my friends.

Sunday was a bit boring for me… See, nothing is ever good enough. I went from going out too much to not going out and now it’s boring. My life has very little balance in it in my mind. Some of that is because I’ve not been working out, meditating or doing yoga for a while now and I feel out of balance. So I need to get all that back and go back to clean living again. Where are my yoga pants again?

Disclaimer – all that above was written before midnight and now I’m home and it’s after midnight for the finish.

So that was my weekend which was fun and exhausting and long and short. Mondays are always hard after those weekends because I can’t seem to get my bearings. I can’t seem to find solid ground so I worked as much as I could and then decided to nap before dinner. My dream was so vivid. I woke up from my dream just trying not to move so as not to disturb the memory. It was a good dream. It was about the drummer which I’ve not heard from really since Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We texted a bit but nothing came out of it. And THIS is where things are different for me.

You see, again, I’ve made myself a promise to not react the same that I did with THE friend. Just to be clear this situation is no where close to the situation with THE friend either. I don’t have “feelings” yet for the drummer because we’ve not spent as much time together but I realize that if I did spend more time together I probably would. I’ve promised myself to not run from those feelings.

I am also more understanding with this “ship” because I understand that the drummer is going through a lot of shit. Bundled in that term “shit” would be his whole life. I understand that “just some chick” doesn’t need to come in and change anything so I’m distant yet concerned and helpful yet, hopefully, not a pain in the ass. I offer my help, an ear, a shoulder, possibly other body parts all to ensure that he feels safe with someone. I’m not asking for all his secrets and feelings and dreams but because he and I are both Aquarius’s I’m well aware that we can try to go through the worst of things all by ourselves. I’m not expecting to be the “one” that he shares everything with but I am offering the help because if the situation arose I’d feel better that someone offered me the help. Even though, in my mind, I’d probably not divulge anything real to someone I barely knew.

The other part of this is that before, I’d have been so upset or starting to spiral about why “I’m not good enough” or some other girl brained crap. Fact is, this guy has so much going on it really has nothing to do with me. This isn’t about me. You see, in finding all the perfect words, phrases and examples of memories to help my boss in his current state I think I’m actually giving myself advice that I should be listening to. Now, I finally am listening. It’s a whole brave new world over here. That’s not to say that I’m not having those girl-brain moments but I’m learning from my mistakes. What’s the point in making them if you can’t learn from them.

There’s my weekend and my current state. This is where I confuse myself though because within my weekend there would have been a story about a boy that I met. He was sweet and we hit it off. That was actually a big part of my weekend but because I didn’t immediately feel a connection to him he makes a small no name part in my weekend movie. There’s so much more about life that happens but it’s always about those that I feel the most connected to. I’m learning to embrace the connections, trying to open myself more and trying to fill my good karma bank all in the same breath. While I seem slightly obsessed at times it’s just what gives me the power to write about. I meet guys all the time that I just don’t care to remember to write about. So much for this being a blog about my dating life. The drummer once said to me that I didn’t get the attention I deserved. I then told him I thought he wasn’t as happy as he appeared. Turned out that we were both right. Strange vibe that night… and for this night, I’m done.

Nite xXx.

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Putting Together the Best Parts of a Man…

I have spent the last few years finding Mr. Right now except for the fact that most of the time I don’t even want them right now. My type used to be the basic tall, dark and handsome. Had those and that didn’t keep my attention. Then it moved to Latin men, that hasn’t stuck and now I’m just at, “I’d like to meet a man that doesn’t bother the shit out of me, respects me, has an appreciation for something other than his own reflection.” I say that having just had some text messages sent to me from the wrong guy who seems to think that I’m the right woman.

Why do I think I’m the wrong woman? Well, as I was driving back from dinner and game night tonight I was having a conversation with myself in my head and yes, that happens a lot. I was going over all the men I’ve met and that wanted to “get to know me” on some or any level. The one thing that they all had in common was that none of them knew me at all. They each knew pieces of me. Tiny, little pieces that I’ve chosen to let them know but nothing of significance. Even with the guys that I thought I loved, they’ve never seen all of me. I guess that’s a thing right? I guess that that’s how I’ll know he’s the right one, because I’ll let him see all of me.

This isn’t about me thinking that I’m some magnificent mystery or some great mystical muse. It’s about knowing who’s worth showing everything to because everything means the good, the bad and the ugly. It means he gets to see the sexy and the sweet and the bitter and the vulnerable. That last part is the part that I don’t do well with. I don’t like to show the vulnerable at all. Perfect example, I’ve been my boss’s ear for months now. I’ve seen him cry, scream, threaten suicide and I’ve seen his most vulnerable state but after 20 years, while he’s seen a lot of shit, he doesn’t get that from me. Which, sadly, if you think about it is the longest relationship either of us have ever had.

There’s so much that I keep from everyone, friends, family, guys I’m in relationships with. It’s been a problem for many. Some get pissed that I don’t confide in them, some have just given in to what is a flaw of mine and some are just not sure what to make of it. There is always a possibility that because others find it so easy to confide in ME, that this is over-compensation or something.

Anyway, so on my drive tonight I was thinking about my boss’s friend that I’d picked up a couple weeks ago. In the two hours that we drove around he had confessed things to me that he’d not told anyone. That happens a lot. My friends Mister did that to me too. That was problematic considering he was lying to her about things he was telling me the truth about which then made me have to be even more silent. At one point, the drummers wife has friend requested me on Facebook and I’d thought there would be another secret I’d have to keep, not from him but from her. Luckily I appeared to boring or something for her and she deleted me a couple weeks later but he didn’t even know she’d done it.

That was a weird situation in itself. The drummers wife. I knew of her, she knew of me. Either of us knew the extent of each other, I guess. I didn’t because I chose not to. I was afraid that she might ask me something as she’d had suspicions before but she never did. When I’d asked him why she deleted me he seemed surprised but it made no difference to me. He and I had once had a phone conversation where she was in the background and none of my messages to him were anything sexual. Like I’d said before I tried to switch our relationship to a business one. At the time it seemed like a good idea.

Around Thanksgiving though I’d gotten this weird feeling like their relationship was in trouble. He’d never said anything but there were signs. Then BAM, one day I get a message from a mutual friend that asked me about “consoling ‘drummer'” and our friend had said something about some posts he put out on Facebook. I’d reached out to the drummer and offered some advice, told him he could either take it, ignoring or tell me fuck off. He thanked me and that was it. I think I reached out once after that and asked if he was doing ok and got a simple answer back. But there’s a reason I’m going in to detail here. That’s the next part.

So, since day one of meeting this guy there was always something between us. I was not the first to feel it. He was. My Shaman friend had told me we’d known each other in another life and that we were meant for each other in some way, shape or form. I was resistant to this because, well, he was married. But also because he and I are SO much alike. In fact, we are 8 days apart. Which means we’re both Aquarius’s. This is both good and bad. It’s good because I know what he’ll do and it’s bad because I know what he’ll do. Plus, as much as he doesn’t mind me helping him out he’s certainly not gone out of his way to be my friend. That is an Aquarius trait. But at the end of the day, I believe in the movie “He’s just not that in to you”. By those standards, any man, if they want to be in your life will be. Now, I take the things that I am deeply attracted to in him and place them in a jar along with the other traits from other men that I have liked and some that I’ve even loved and that’s what I ask for when setting my intentions on the full moon.

It’s hard to see past the signs which are usually all counter-productive. It’s hard to see past the Shaman saying that we’d been together in another life and that’s why our souls were drawn together in this one. It’s hard to see past the other people that can feel energy between us BUT I’ve been down this road before. What I do know is that I’ve heard his secrets, I’ve kept some of his secrets and I’ve not told anyone that I’m helping him that we both know. After all, I like my secrets. I like keeping him a secret too. I liked knowing that when he found out his wife has friend requested me that he was probably more worried about what she’d say to me than me spilling our secret. He and I have never discussed things after that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him in person again but he makes an appearance in my dreams a lot. But, as a fellow Aquarian, it is in our birth right that we can ghost the people that we tend to care about the most more than any other sign.

What a terrible flaw we have. I have seen and done this ghosting all too well and yes, it can happen to someone that you love and care about more than anyone. I don’t know if it’s because we are so emotionally broken or detached that we feel it’s the only way to take control but it’s an annoying feature. I think that’s also why I’ve tried to switch us to a friend/business relationship instead of a fuck relationship. It’s much easier for me to ghost someone that there’s nothing to hold on to.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and for who. I will admit that I’m finding it way too comfortable to be alone these days. Maybe I don’t want/need to be in a romantic relationship anymore. Maybe I’ve missed my chance and I’m clinging on to the men that I feel something, anything for. As I said, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We shall see because tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities and new people.

That’s all for now, good night all xxx

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A Late Happy New Year and …

The first thing is, Happy New Year to all of you. My year ended on a strange note and actually boring. For the first time in years I stayed home and brought in the New Year solo. My friend and I that I usually spend it with doing our “traditions” did it about a week late but for all intents and purposes it worked out for the both of us.

So, if you’ve been here for a while you know that my 2018 was all about, well, married men and the affairs that they have and some woman. I can safely say that I did NOT compromise my position on sleeping with a married man at all. Even though I was not sure I’d be able to hold out but I did.

My friend, the wife of my ex, and I did not finish out the year speaking. In fact, our last outing was way too dramatic and I actually thoughts that because of her antics I’d lost even more friends but that ended up not being the case. Well, actually the one “friend” that I did end up losing because of her was her mister who ended up being a piece of shit anyway.

That was another problem that I had last year. I chose to see the good in everyone, even long after they’d shown me who they actually are. I kept saying, “They just need a good friend” and then I tried to be one. You might think that’s actually a good trait of mine except it almost put a new added segment to my own #metoo movement. There is a difference between seeing the good in someone and just plain ignoring the bad, or even hurtful things about someone. Not sure I’ll delve into that story or not but in the end she (my friend) and I only just started talking again. I don’t like what she did to her husband, my friend, my ex but I understand why she did it. There’s a bit of reason behind her insanity. I am trying to be the friend that she needs in order to get help this year. We shall see. She is a fun person to be around but in small doses. I realized very quickly that in order for her and I to spend any time together out in the real world, or even just being silly girls inside my apartment I’d have to learn to shrink in size because she’s overwhelming. We’ll see where that ends up.

This year started with an immense need to help others. I started to realize that maybe I really don’t get to have that happy ending that all girls secretly want. Maybe I don’t get to have that fairytale romance or that earth shattering whatever. I’d decided that if none of those things are destined to be in my life then I would just enjoy a life helping others. So one of those “help others” actually started toward the end of last year and is continuing now.

My boss and his girlfriend had a violent, dramatic end to their relationship which I found myself being thrown into by both of them. It started with a frantic phone call early November at 3 am by my boss’s girlfriend basically saying that she was fearing for her life. By the time I’d heard from my boss the very next, early, morning I was screaming at him. I screamed at him that I hated him for what he’d done and that I would have called the police and blah blah blah… It’s now been just over 2 months and I’ve found myself as a confidant for him and a conduit to her. I have talked him off the ledge at 2 in the morning some nights and I have consoled her till she was so emotionally exhausted that she’s passed out from pure emotions.

People always ask me why I still work for this guy. Well, first, it’s been over 20 years of a relationship. There’s loyalty and love there. But I think some of the other reasons is because of his friends that become mine, his kids which I’ve watched grow since they were born and because we are, in the end, like family. There was one point, the day after the fight, that I’m calling his own brother and crying that he needed to get off his ass and just go sit with his brother (my boss) because I thought he was going to hurt himself. In 20 years I’ve never felt the need to get his brother involved but there I was basically ordering him to go see him. This has been a surreal experience and to be honest with you, I’ve watched myself grow through all of this and I think that whatever happens with them I will always cherish this time that I’ve been spending helping both of them.

Next, as I stated above, one of the reasons why I’m so loyal to my boss is because some of his friends become mine and I cherish them. They all have their quirks but the relationship that I have with each of them is so different. A couple weeks ago one of this friends, that he’s know since he was a tiny child, called the office. He was looking for my boss, saying that he needed a ride somewhere. I knew my boss would be out doing stuff and I knew that this guy was going through his own shit-storm of things. I offered my assistance in case my boss couldn’t. After a few minutes I got a call back from this guy who asked if I could pick him up. My idea was to pick him up and drop him off. Sound simple enough right? Think again.

My first clue should have been where I was picking him up from. The hospital. I pull up to the front and there is this seemingly attractive older man essentially covered in blood with a nap sack. My first words, “Should I be concerned that you’re covered in blood?” then started the weird, almost 2 hour, car ride. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he looked and felt like shit. Here was a guy, not just hitting rock bottom but slamming into the deepest, blacked bottom of the bottom all while landing on shards of glass. No wonder he called me his angel. He kept asking, “Why are you helping me? I’m a fucking mess.” The only thing I could reply with was, “Because one, you’re (my boss’s) friend and you need help. It’s ok to ask for it.” But kindness to this guy meant that he had full open season to continually tell me how beautiful I was and kept saying that “If I wasn’t a mess right now I’d be making a move”.

In a matter of a year this guys marriage had ended, his business went into financial ruins and he hadn’t seen his 2 year old son in a long time. I submitted some of my advice, assured him that he was loved and cared about by his friends and family and that he needed to get help because he was choosing to handle his black hole of emptiness with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. He is now, thankfully, in a 30 day rehab facility.

So these are just a few of the things that have gone on over the course of a few months and I realized something. First, people are so use to humans treating other humans like shit that the moment that someone does something out of pure kindness it’s, all of a sudden, weird or they have an agenda. Do you know how many times over the last few months that I’ve heard, “Why are you being so nice to me?” and whatever reason I have isn’t good enough. It’s never about money or favors or sex but only about the basis of every single religion which is kindness. Treat others how YOU yourself would like to be treated and because I don’t feel like I’m getting a fair shake at being treated with kindness I’m probably overcompensating. But is that a bad thing to be too kind? This brings me to my next thing…

So last year there was never a shortage of men that I could have had but I only wanted one. It became more of a conquest thing than anything but I couldn’t even entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else because he was on my mind, not all the time but more than I’d care to admit. I’d seen this weird side of him though and one that he probably didn’t mean for me to see. I saw someone who was unhappy and not confident at all. I saw a man that had been beaten down by a woman so badly that it seemed like, in his mind, there was nothing that he could do right. I saw defenses come out and for some reason people were telling me all his secrets. No matter what these secrets were I still wanted to help this man that I started seeing as a hurt boy. There it is folks, my need to “fix” something that I didn’t break.

We’d messed around a few times but there was something about his soul that was attractive, maybe it is my need to “fix” things but I switched our relationship to a business one and not a “mess around with each other” one because, at the time, he was married. He told me a couple weeks ago that he’s getting divorced but I didn’t feel any different. We’ve never fully moved into the “friendship” that I want. Truth here is that I think this guy is insanely talented but he’s forgotten what it’s like to be appreciated. So, I started there. I appreciated him. Then I realized that after I’d heard all his secrets that he might not have a 100% loyal friend, so I tried to become that 100% loyal friend. None of this seems to be working out the way I think that I wanted it to but the weird part is that I don’t even know what I want, not from him anyway.

He is probably a story for another night but at least I’ve gotten these parts out of my head and on paper. I refuse to let this guy become another “THE Friend”. The one thing that there isn’t here is love. There’s respect and something else but not love. I couldn’t even tell you if that’s what I want. I have spent months and months trying to fix other peoples lives that I’ve forgotten and become unclear what I want out of my own life. That’s the real tragedy right now. I have no idea what I want. Except, right now, to sleep.

On that note, I’ll write again but for tonight that’s all and again, Happy New Year!

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Stolen Towels and Revelations…

So I had a revelation tonight as I’m staring at my hurricane hand-me-down stolen Hilton towel in the bathroom. It’s about the L-word. Obviously there’s a problem if I can’t even say the word. But this is not a new revelation.

It’s obvious that I’ve spent years pining after a love that I never really wanted. Not just with THE friend but with all men. I mean look at the guys I’ve loved or been interested in. They were all immune to reciprocation and I’ve known that the entire time. But now, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. It’s been so long that I try too damn hard to make sure that what I’m feeling is not just so the other side of the bed isn’t empty verses what actual true love is.

This whole thinking started, really, a few days ago. My psychic friend and I were sitting talking about life, love and all things that entails and she was saying that I’ve never really been open to it before and that it was more a desperate plea to not be alone. So to all the boys I’ve loved before, I guess I didn’t. Oops. Okay so that’s not entirely true BUT it’s more true than it’s not.

The point is that I’ve never loved a man more than I feared losing my independence. That’s the truth and strangely something that I’ve learned this year and even stranger it’s something that I’ve learned a lot from married men.

One of these married men and I are good friends. He and I talk for hours. I usually text him stupid things when I’m drunk and it’s late at night but it’s stuff that I’d text any friend. Nothing too racy. The other night though he was telling me about getting into a fight with his wife. He said he’d called in sick to work and just decided to go out with a friend of his instead. Apparently he got smashed drunk and they went to a strip club then across state lines to gamble. As he’s telling me this I exclaimed, (in my fake pissed off voice) how I was terribly upset that I didn’t get a drunk text from him as payback for the ones I sent him. His reply, for some reason, shocked me. He said he knew that if he’d texted me he would have spent the night at my place and he knew what would have happened.

Why did this shock me? Well, because I literally have always thought that we’d always just jokingly bantered back and forth and have NEVER realistically thought that anything would have ever happened but he was so honest about it that it made me think. This made me think to the point that I was literally searching google for “Why do I attract married men”. Guess what? I’m not the only one. There’s a whole club of us. There were a few different reasons why but the one that stuck with me was the one about a man being able to sense that we don’t want anything long term. They assume we’re just “fun” and they enjoy talking to us, spending time with us and essentially they are choosing “Us” as the ones that ensure their cocks aren’t lonely on those nights when they’re feeling less than perfect about their own lives.

In a way, I suppose, it’s some sort of a compliment or a standing ovation (if you will) for the women that we are. The problem with this is that a lot of these woman that they go after ARE looking for something bigger and better than a one night stand or to be the “side-chick” to their Mister’s lives and then it becomes true to script , as in He’s Just Not That In To You, that WE are mostly made up of women that are the rule and NOT the exception to the rule. As the rule and not the exception there are no romantic notions that they will leave their lives and proceed with anything with their mistresses.

The point here is that I knew there would be nothing going on with my friend above but somehow he took it further in just what his intentions WOULD have been. I had this brief moment of pain in my stomach that was more about losing a friend over what “might” have happened. It’s weird. Then in essentially the same day, I realized that I wanted to move the drummer from whatever weird place we’d left things over to just friend territory. So I offered my help with something. Now, he and I are in this weird space of, “well, we both want to fuck each other but that’s never going to happen so lets turn this into a weird friendship/business relationship”. And when the first “business like exchange” came through I felt weird about that because I realized that the other part of our relationship is over. A very short lived, don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, massive sexual tension filled banter, is over.

I feel like I’m forcing some sort of relationship with him now, whether it’s a friendship or a business relationship it’s not coming organically and I can feel that. It’s uneasy and I don’t like it. I don’t like things that are not easily connected or organic and in my mind it’s because he was one of those guys who I spoke about above that was just trying to make sure his cock wasn’t lonely on those nights we got “friendly”.

But helping the drummer above led me to another guy that I’ve not spoken to for a year and a half. This other guy and I used to talk a lot and again for hours. See, these are the friendships that just happen. They are never forced. But I’d reached out to this guy to ask a favor for the drummer and he’d exclaimed that he’d lost everything including his home, belongings, and had several family members die or get sick in the last year. After all of what he’s gone through he’d admitted that he was depressed as well. Since that day I’ve been checking up on him and he said that he was so appreciative and felt so much better since we’d been talking. We have plans to go out soon but because of recent events all I could think is, “What if this guy goes in for a kiss” and for some reason that scared the shit out of me. Because he’s damaged? No, because we all are. Because he’s needy? No but because he’s single… Yep, get it now?

The friend above didn’t scare me because his advances were just drunken thoughts.

The drummer doesn’t scare me because he’s unavailable.

The kid didn’t scare me because he doesn’t even know how to love himself.

None of those situations above scared me because they were non-existent, rules and not the exceptions, situations. I had other emotions about them but none were because they scared me. So, now that I know all this, I need to figure out WHY love scares the hell out of me? Is it from the things that might come with love? The hurt, pain and damage? Is it easier to just be in a shell that lets no one in so I don’t crack?

Humans seem simple until you start dissecting them. Emotions are these intricate woven lines of roads inside ones mind and soul. One leads to the head, the next to the heart and lastly to the groin… We’re complicated and basic and these feelings and emotions make us dumb and smart and loyal and hurt and broken. There’s no rationalizing emotions because they’re not rational. I feel anger when I should feel flattery and I feel sadness when I should feel excited. Maybe my woven emotional highways are closed for construction. Who knows… that’s all I have now. Nite xxx

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