Midweek boredom and other things…

I have been going out a lot lately and I’m a bit over it. You all know that I go through my phases. Every thing is boring to me and all the boys I meet are boring. There’s no originality any more. They are just regurgitating what every other guy has said. It was pretty bad during the World Series.

I like to watch sports. I’m not crazy about it but it’s exciting. Well, let me correct that. I like to attend sporting events but not so much watch it on TV. I’m not an insane fan but I can get on board with the home team if I wanted to. I was a lot more in to sports years ago but have lost interest to be an avid fan.

During the World Series though my friend and I had been going out to sports bars and restaurants and watching. There is something about the whole restaurant jumping up and screaming and hugging everyone around when we won the game that got us into the World Series that was fun to watch.

However, what was not fun to watch was the guys taking this opportunity to hit on the women that were there. This happened a few times. I don’t go out to pick up men or to have men pick me up. That’s not me. When I go out I try to stay in the moment with the person I’m with so their efforts are futile. Yes, I could have probably taken a few home. Yes, I probably could have had sex with a few of them but that’s so not what I want. I want passion and I actually want to feel something. Random sex isn’t going to do that for me, as much as I want the sex part.

I said here, not that long ago, that I am looking for something different. I’m not looking for a random hookup, not looking for a FWB, I’m not looking for yet another player who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and is allowed to treat them like shit. I see way too much of that. I want something that’s real and true. I want a guy who isn’t hooking up with a new one each week. I want a guy who has dreams and plans for the future. I want a guy who can love me privately and respect me publicly. I don’t need to make it “Facebook official” or obliterate social media with my dating status. I don’t need to be with him every day. I don’t even need to hear from him every day but I undoubtedly need the respect, appreciation and love that I’ve yet to find for some time now.

I don’t care if he’s into sports, I don’t care if he’s into cars. I do care that he’s into music and I do care about that “feeling” that I get from him. I need to get that feeling. You all know it but I’m tired of saying connection. I feel like a broken record most days when I write which is why I don’t write as much as I used to but the truth is I figure if the universe knows what I’m looking for then maybe by some Law of Attraction or some divine intervention that I’ll get that person sent to me.

I’m tired of a lot of things lately. I’m tired of expecting some sort of happy ending and not the kind you get in a massage parlor. I’m tired of being underwhelmed by humans. I’m tired of not getting any happy surprises. I’m tired of going out of my way to help people and either getting nowhere or it just being left unappreciated. I’m tired of people being in other peoples business. I’m tired of gossip and I’m tired of people assuming that I WANT to hear gossip.

I know. That’s a lot of shit that I’m tired of. On the other side of things I’m tired of not being able to be where I want to be in my dating life and I understand that some of it has to do with me not really giving these men that I meet a fair chance but when I meet someone I just know. You know? I don’t want bullshit and lies and fake kindness. I want real and true and honest. I would respect a man so much more if he came to me and said, “My life’s a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing but you make me happy” verses “I got my shit together, here’s some flowers and an expensive dinner.” I can see through bullshit and sometimes it’s a curse because I don’t get flattered at the gentlemen crap. I never have.

I think that a lot of women that date expect a guy to woo them and that’s fine but it’s fake. You think that the flowers and expensive dinners will always happen? No. I want to fall into comfort but not a rut. See, I can understand why my dating life is shit. I like the person I’ve become after moving back to Houston. I do but I’m even less inclined to just date someone out of boredom than ever before. But again, I do promise you that I do actually want a relationship but not a normal one. I have yet to find a man that can handle what I want with all the qualities that I want without having to explain shit. That’s when I know it’s real is when it just falls into place.

Let me bring up something that I can’t stand. I’ve said this before and it’s social media. I’m sure the original intent was a great idea but what it’s turned into is just fake news, fake photos and passive aggressive bullshit. I’ve had two Facebook accounts. One I used for personal and one I used for business. Several years ago I deleted the personal and just used the business one. Then when I started adding people on it I unfollowed everyone. I kept some uplifting people and sites on my feed and it became all about positivity but what I hate the most is all the passive aggressive shit people and yes, mostly women, about how they want these men that basically fall at their feet and worship them.

I’m all about worship each other but that’s where most of these people have it wrong. They are quick to judge the men and say that men don’t do enough and that men are always wrong and treat them like shit. However, how many of these women treat their man like a King if they want to be treated like a Queen? I started seeing these things women would post and then I’d see the men that were just worn down, beaten down by negativity and passive aggressiveness. This act does go both ways but I am a firm believer that we both have rolls. Women and men and in order for us to both be happy we have to both help not hurt each other. I am in not way, shape or form perfect but I do understand that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship you BOTH have to work and be positive and loyal and kind but truthful and appreciative and respectful.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly sitting by and people watching. Humans don’t treat humans right. I’ve seen karma get to people who have always thought they were untouchable. I’ve seen situations turn people cold and bitter and I’ve seen humans take out their past damage on people that didn’t cause it. It’s not always been a fun movie to watch but it has taught me a lot about people and who we are and how we treat people and situations. I don’t wish to reinvent the wheel but I do wish that people didn’t suck sometimes. If we take ownership of our actions. If we apologize when we fuck up. If we appreciate the people in our lives then everything else just gets salted in a good way.

So my point about social media is that it’s use today isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I see women my age and older holding men at a higher standard than they’re willing to offer to the men and that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m not taking sides but am a quiet observer. I spend most of my life doing that. Observing. An old friend and I used to go to this local mall where they had these oversized super comfy chairs and we’d people watch for hours. We’d make up stories about them or our version or who they are. Course this was 20 years ago and we were usually super high at the time but it was another way of looking at the world or at least the people in it.

I guess my wish for today is that people try to happily surprise each other, be kind and forgiving too. I wish that 40 year olds stop using filters because it’s basically fake advertising and I wish that I find a man that I can treat like the King he is for me to be the Queen I am and that I can still do weird shit with. I hope you are all having an amazing week.

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3 a.m. meltdowns and other things…

I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.

I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.

I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.

At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.

I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…

Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.

I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.

He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.

There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.

Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.

Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.

My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!

My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.

… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.

What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.

I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.

So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.

xXx

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Dates, selfishness and my current world…

There’s actually been a lot of stuff that’s happened over the last week but I’ll start with my today. I actually went on a date. Now, I kind of cheated since I asked that it be an afternoon date so there would be no question about the “after dinner hook-up” but it was really nice.

A few weeks ago I’d gone to my dad’s best friend’s son’s bar and while we were there having a drink his friend showed up. He’s very attractive and seemed really sweet. The day after we’d met he Facebooked me. I have never actually accepted his friend request but I did start chatting with him on messenger. He’d asked a few times if I’d like to go out but said he wasn’t sure because I didn’t seem that interested to talk to him on messenger and I replied that I hate social media and I hate texting. People always misconstrue conversations. Men always read women’s texts in their “bitchy women’s voice” and women always read men’s texts in “stupid caveman voice”. I’d told him I was interested to have a conversation in person.

We went and met at a nice wine bar that a friend of mine used to play acoustic sets at but I hadn’t been there for years. I had told him that I had plans this evening so I couldn’t be out too long and while that’s true, my plans were to come home and pamper myself on my Saturday night. We had a great conversation for over three hours. I actually really like him.

Even though I’d said we would both be completely casual he showed up in a nice shirt and jeans. Not my favorite outfit, you all know that the white button down shirt and black pants is my favorite, but he looked nice. His hair is  long, but not too long and he’s got just the perfect amount of facial hair… I do love facial hair on a man. I’ve always found jewelry on a man sexy too and he had on this really nice chain with something on it. I actually didn’t ask what it was. Maybe next time.

He’d actually made it there before me and when I got there gave me a really nice hug. He’d asked what I wanted to drink and ordered for me which I like. Then we just chatted. We actually chatted about all kinds of things. He’s actually a little younger than I am and I was older than he thought I was. Neither of us were bothered by our ages though.

There was just the right amount of eye contact and light grazes with the fingers and all that stuff. The good thing here is that I was actually totally ok with him touching me. Usually, especially if I don’t know a man well, I’m thinking, “Get your fucking hands off me”. I’m very peculiar about human touching. He, also, genuinely, made me laugh a few times. That scores points.

A few other good points:

  • I am a human bullshit meter and it actually didn’t go off on him except for once. He had actually lied about something very personal but instead of calling him out on it I let it go. Everything else he said was actually pretty honest.
  • Openly admitted how long it had been since he’d had sex and wow. I am so absolutely in like with this guy even more for being THAT honest and telling me why also. Most guy brag about all their women but he wasn’t like that.
  • He gave genuine compliments knowing that they wouldn’t lead to anything afterwards. He already knew there was going to be no intimacy.
  • He was also very into what I was saying. He’d noticed that after I’d start telling a story that I’d just stop and summarize it to get it over with and he’d asked me not to do that. I told him I was just used to the people around me monopolizing the evening with their stories and just never really cared to finish mine.
  • One thing you might not know about me is that I’m a weird bit of a germaphobe. I can’t stand to have people drink something that I’m drinking (from my glass) and if they do I’d just give it to them. I’m very particular about shit like that. He’d asked if I wanted to try his wine and I actually did. I was comfortable there too.
  • He likes music but not nearly close to how much I LOVE music but that’s ok.

So those were the points that stood out to me. It’s not like I have a mental checklist or anything, but I just remember all those things. I was honest with him about what I’m looking for in a relationship and while he appreciated it I think he wants something deeper and quicker than me. Well, that’s not fair to say, I’ve said before that I actually want to be in a relationship but it usually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

While I’d give him 7 out of 10 and our date a 6.5 I’m a tough grader and there’s a massive curve. He does fit several of the things that I’ve put in my intention setting jar for a guy that I want a relationship with. He’s already said that he’d want to see me a couple times a week which is nice. He wants to take me, next weekend, to this really fancy restaurant that I’ve been dying to go since it opened but I did explain to him I’m not looking for someone to buy me extravagant things, dinners or trips anywhere. I’m a firm believer in paying my own way and just because he’s the man it doesn’t mean he always has to pay but he’s actually a real gentleman. I’ve not come across one of those for far too long.

One thing that I see as a difference is that he is very Catholic. I’m used to that, most of my ex’s are Catholic but he’s actually a practicing one. I’ve explained before that it’s not that I’m not a believer but I’m more spiritual and I have such a different belief system than someone like him.

It was just a far different conversation than I had last weekend with my friend at the bar who told me that I was a natural born witch and I don’t mean in the bitch sense. But that brings me to the fact that my friend from last weekend, well, I was actually wrong and yes he was hitting on me. Even though he is in love with his girlfriend I think he can see the writing on the wall and was “making future arrangements” with me in case it didn’t work out. That brought out a whole new conversation that he and I had which was that I was not and never going to be a placeholder for his next relationship or anyone else’s.

I’m not a placeholder. I’m not a layover and I’m not a crash test dummy to come back to when shit doesn’t work out with someone else. I know that I’ve put myself in these situations because I’ve been so against exclusive relationships in the past but no more. I’ve past up way too many men who wanted me to be their final destination except not in a creepy bad horror movie way but a romantic way and I’m just sick of being a stand in. I’m not the mistress… I’m not the whore… I’m not anything but a priority. Period.

Yes, those passive aggressive statements are being made out loud for the first time since I got some really tacky news from a friend on Facebook about my current, no longer, FWB. While I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt what our mutual friend said was just too much for me to sweep under the rug. It’s possible that he might realize one day that what he’s done to me is shitty but if he never figures it out then he is just as bad as our mutual friend said, AND I still stuck up for him all over again and just waited until now, on here to say anything to anyone. I just fucking hate being lied to, manipulated and treated like shit by selfish people.

That brings me to my “selfish part” of this post. In the last few weeks everyone’s selfishness has just been amplified. I don’t know if this is why I’m so far the opposite or what but I just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably part of the reason that I found this guy today so nice because he’s so different than the people around me lately. I just don’t really remember the last time that I was treated as equally as kind as I’ve treated someone else.

I’m tired of going out of my way, going where they want to go, driving to them. I’m tired of not being able to get a sentence out before I’m interrupted. I’m tired of my evening being ruined by their selfishness. I’m tired of not getting my own happy because I’m too busy making sure they get their happy…. Done. Even when I say I’m going to be more selfish I can’t make it work because I interact with the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I can’t remember before this afternoon when the last time someone asked me “How are you?” and not only wanted me to answer but actually wanted the truth.

Apparently the kinder I become the more I attract the assholes that don’t deserve my kindness yet it’s happening all day, everyday. This is why I go MIA for days at a time. I need to reboot from the people around me. They always come back wondering where I’ve gone, why am I not around, they miss me. No, they don’t miss ME. They miss what I can do for them or how I treat them. Well, fuck that. It actually takes someone who’s pretty great to see what I’ve been missing. There’s my lesson in life I guess.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again, new guy, because here’s the fuck up thing about me… I’ve never healed from my childhood trauma so in the back of my mind all I can think is, “I’m not good enough for this guy”. See my fucked up logic? But I know that I’m pretty fucking awesome and I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated well, respected and appreciated. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess even though I’m called a princess a lot but I deserve a whole lot better than what I allow myself.

The last thing that this new guy did, which is huge in my book, he wants me to hang out with him and a friend of his that’s coming to town in a couple weeks. If a guy wants you to meet his best friend, it’s kind of a big deal. I think that’s a bit too fast since we’ve known each other less than a month BUT it’s a big deal and I get that. Hell, there’s been guys that have asked me to marry them and I never introduced them to my best friend, mostly because I knew she’d think they weren’t good enough for me which is why she’s my best friend and why I miss the hell out of her.

The only guy that my best friend actually met was THE friend but that wasn’t even because of me. My brother threw me a surprise birthday party a couple years ago and he’d invited both of them to the party but that’s a whole other story.

So the last thing I’ll say tonight is that as much as I like hearing someone’s history and their backstories I also have a weird need to hear the really crazy fucked up shit they’ve done. That’s people’s truths. I mean, what weird shit do they do when no one is looking? For instance, I could stare at my pores in a magnifying mirror for hours while I pluck my eyebrows to perfection. I walk in place while I brush my teeth to get in extra steps. I have literally lied on my couch and stared at the ceiling and listened to music for hours while my phone is on airplane mode. These are quirks. For some reason I’m obsessed with knowing people’s weird quirks.

… and on that note I’m done for now. It was a good day, a strange week and slightly upsetting month already but then again, September has never been a good month for me. I hope you’re weekend is amazing. Nite xXx

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My Friday Night at 4 am on Saturday…

I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.

We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.

We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.

This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.

The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.

After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.

It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.

I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.

It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.

He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.

I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.

I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”

On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.

No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.

Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx

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Short Quote About Music Life Quotes Musicians Quotesgram – Daily Quotes Of the Life

 

My Life’s Journey is Off Course…

Why is it that some of the best conversations delve around love? Is it because it’s powerful? Is it because it’s the only thing that matters? Or is it because it’s the only thing we all want? What happens if we don’t get it? Just so many questions and maybe why I’m in a mood today.

I have always had a shitty recognition of my life prior to about 13 or so. I just don’t remember much at all. Whether it be trauma or life choices or something else that blocks out most of my childhood I guess it doesn’t matter. I just don’t remember. However, I can remember the feelings for each man that I’ve loved, not been in love with, but loved. I can remember what we were doing when I thought I loved them and I can remember what we were doing when I realized that I didn’t love them any longer or that I never did. In my mind that means that I’ve never really been in love.

All this stems from yet another conversation that I had with a friend the other night. We’d gone out to dinner and the waiter and a guy at the bar had both hit on me and I’d blown both of them off. My friend asked me why I wasn’t really into either of them. The waiter was kind of nerdy cute but the guy at the bar was the type of guy that I used to date because I knew I wouldn’t ever fall for him. Attractive, nice suit and tie, business professional waiving around money. None of that interests me. It never really has and certainly not now.

What I told my friend was that, that night I wasn’t feeling very attractive or sexy. This is still my mood today. But above that these guys just look for conquests and I have no desire to be that. I’ve said numerous times here that I AM looking for love. I am looking for a lasting relationship. I’m worth way more than a one-night-stand or even a FWB’s. I know this. I also know that I really shouldn’t be messing around with the drummer any more because it’s really only going to lead to heart-break if we keep doing this.

See, I’m super cautious about love and aware of my situation. I know what could happen and how things are right now. I am under no delusion that this is more than what it is or that it will ever be more than what it is. Which is why it’s a good idea for me to probably distance myself from him. He’s not looking out for my best interests. He’s given me all the warnings. This is just what I need to do to save myself. I don’t have the love yet but as I stated the other night because we do have such a great time, great conversations and understand each other this is the moment that I run because I can already see the end of this chapter of my book and it doesn’t end well for me.

My friend seems to think that I’ve never “fallen in love” because I’m scared and without risks there is no reward. I’m sure he’s right. When I do start to feel anything I step back and go into witness protection. I understand that I can’t keep blaming things on my flaws but it is what it is. Of course, my friend has been married three times already so my assumption is that he falls in love too easily.

Couple all that above with the fact that I really am not feeling comfortable in my own skin today I am in such a mood. It’s not sad, angry or depressed. I just think I’m being seriously realistic and very aware of my own current situation. Maybe I play things too safe. Maybe I’m too logic or realistic but I also know what I need to do to protect myself. That is what it is.

I will probably go into hibernation for a little while and do another challenge in September. I know that this month has kind of slipped through the cracks as far as my challenge but there’s been something strange in the air. It’s like, the more men are attracted to me the more I feel “not good enough”. The more I go out the more I feel like I need to stay home. The more I want something the more I feel like I won’t get it. It’s like my energy flow is fucked up and I’m not sure why. I’ve put some good energy out there in the last few weeks but not really feeling it come back to me.

It appears my mind, body, soul and heart are all in different places and I am not whole. I laid in bed the other night and just watched horror movie after horror movie. I don’t get the chance to do that much since half the people I watch movies with can’t stand horror movies but for some reason they were comforting in my current state.

I’ve been in this mood before but it’s been a while. Again, I’m not really sure where this is coming from except the logical dissection of my life right now. I’m not happy. I know that and I don’t know what will get me back to that happy place I was at just a few months ago. It’s no one else’s responsibility than my own to get myself there.

I just felt the need to get something out today. I’m not even sure I’m making sense right now but maybe someone who reads my diatribes of “feelings” will email some great piece of advice or some song that will just help my mood. Until then I think I’m going MIA for a little while.

I hope you’re all doing well. xXx

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Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

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Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx