I think my mood is best described as sullen. The week has been busy with work so far and my weekend is filling up fast. If things stay as they are right now I will be attending a party on Saturday till late, watching the game and by the time Sunday night rolls around I see myself going to bed early to compensate for the weekend. It’s also my BFF’s birthday and father’s Day but I can’t be there for those things because there’s too much going on. It’s nice to get the opportunities to go to these parties of clients but after such a busy week I just want to nap already.
That isn’t the reason for the sullen mood though. I’m back to having my strange dreams again and they leave me unsettled. I’m just really trying to figure things out though. Yes, dreams are a way for your subconscious to either let you know things or to help figure things out but it’s bad when you’re so over every little thing in your life that you actually google “How to love someone you don’t love”. Yes, I’m talking about the ex again. I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for at this point so why not? At the very least, if the saying is true, then it’s always better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them right?
I don’t even know anymore. Relationships, love, feelings… These are all things that I freely passed up for so long and now it seems like the only thing that will actually make me happy now. As much as work is crazy right now it’s where I want to be and am grateful for that. So, this seems like the one thing that I can’t seem to get a grasp of. There really is only so much praying you can do for the same thing before you just get sick of hearing yourself. It’s a sad state of affairs.
I suppose now it’s more about just finding someone that I can cohabitate with that can provide some sort of emotional stability in my life. That’s what it’s all about right? Being able to be comfortable with someone who supports you, appreciates you and values everything about you? As I said before, when you choose to love someone you are choosing to love their faults and flaws. I am not void of those things so there are many to love I guess and he is certainly willing to do so.
Sometimes I think that I’m so scared to find out if I can love him because it means an end to a life that I’ve had for the last 3 and a half years. All that would go away. I think I might be ready to let all that go away. Letting go of something or someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love and care for them, it just means that you are ready to heal. That’s what I’ve not done over these last few years, is heal. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been open, honest and felt that way about someone to only have had them take all of those emotions and play games with them, stomp on them, chew them up and spit them out. While the feelings where never his fault because he certainly never warranted such emotions from me, the handling of them were absolutely his responsibility. Just because you don’t return said feelings doesn’t mean you still can’t be kind in return. And whatever you do, you do not use them to your advantage EVER.
After a while of this, it became less his fault than it did my own. The truth is, I’ve always known the truth, about it all. Most days I chose to ignore it. Other days I just chose to really feel the pain because I felt that I deserved it for some sort of karmic payback. “Ah, this is what those boys felt like because of me… I get it now.” So I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed that no one every make him or anyone feel this way ever again, which falls on deaf ears because you can’t stop heartbreak. It’s one of those things like death and taxes that are absolutes. Sometimes revelations come from other peoples words, messages or actions. Sometimes they just come from dreams or other silly things.
Some days I wish you guys all knew me when I cared a lot less about love. Sounds bad but this whole world was a lot different. Now with that said, I’ll move on to my challenges today.
1. Exercise – yes.
2. Water – yes.
3. Love Yourself Challenge – Do you have any creative talent and if so do that tonight: I’d like to say I’m a decent writer, painter or poet so I will try to write some later.
4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What season are you grateful for? I am grateful for winter. It encompasses family, friends and a great excuse to have a fire and snuggle.
5. 30 Day Challenge – Do you have a favorite month? Okay, so I’m going to say December because it’s during winter but also because that’s the month I see most every one that I care about AND because I get the most days off work during December. Is it wrong that that’s what I base that decision off?
So there is today’s diatribe of emotions. I’d say that “This too shall pass” however, that seems to be said all too much lately without things actually passing.
I hope you’re all having a great week.