27 Days of Music – The #’s… and the finale.

We’ve come to the end of my 27 days of music. Some of these are songs that mean a memory, some I just love and some make me feel something. Some of them make me cry. Some of them make me smile but they all are worth sharing. No one has to like all my music but if you just try something once then make your decision, it’s the smartest thing you can do. You never know what will happen. It might turn out to mean something to you or verbalize just how something makes you feel that you couldn’t articulate. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it.

My month has been strange so far and by strange I don’t mean bad. It’s been unexpected, surprising and kind of a break through month. Nothing purely amazing has happened but that’s ok. I’m not sure I’d have been ready for that anyway. One thing that I remembered is how much writing helps me. There’s so many times that I can’t articulate what I’m thinking so I need to write things out, read, then reread it, proof read and then post or send or text.

I have also been happy to find out that I have lots of things to put in my jar for my “jar challenge”. Just for a refresher, at New Years we got mason jars, post it notes and pens and the challenge was to write down all things that make us happy, make us smile, LOL moments, great things to remember. I’ve been filling mine with things that might seem silly to others but things that I WANT to remember.

I’m also happy to say that my friend has made it in this jar a few times. These are things he’ll probably forget soon after but things that I won’t want to. We’re trying, both, to get through all the crap and bring this back to where we were once or maybe somewhere even better. One of the things that made it into the jar was a bit of a cheat but it was from last year. My friend, on a few occasions, has done this thing where he puts his forehead on mine. It’s a small thing but cute. But over the holidays, while I was playing with my niece she does the same thing to me and it made me smile. I’d never let anyone else do that but those two are allowed. See, this jar thing isn’t about the big things. This is about all those little things that remind you but also because those little things give you a purpose to be happy each day.

That’s something that I need reminding a lot, the happy part. Again, this isn’t so much because my life sucks because it doesn’t but it’s about the fact that I want so many things that I don’t have right now. This is where the family, partner in crime and child come from. Those are all things that I want and don’t really have any plan to get them.

My GBF took me out for dinner tonight. He’d lost a bet and the beat was sushi but when we got there, I ordered something, ate about two bites and gave it to him. I’ve not been feeling hungry lately but especially during a conversation about what he and his sister think I should do about the child thing. They both think I should just go get some frozen pop sperm and a turkey baster. They are not the only ones that have said that either. First, that seems so impersonal and second, I don’t really want to spend that kind of money on it.

Then there’s the other option, where I just go to one of my male friends and ask. While I have many male friends that wouldn’t mind “practicing” I want to be in some sort of relationship with them first. Which brings me to a humorous article I read on the “dating style” of an Aquarius. This is from an online article from Marie Claire.

“Aquarius is an open-minded, forward-thinking type who is up for new experiences in life and love,” says Fox. “They are into anyone who follows up big ideas with focused action; plenty of autonomy and alone time; a lover who accepts and adores their many idiosyncrasies is a great match.”

Ah, Aquarius—you complex individual. When it comes to dating, you tend to start as friends first and will remain friends even if the romantic relationship doesn’t last. You tend to come off aloof and detached, because you value freedom and *hate* PDA. But the funny thing is, you’re actually deeply caring about others–especially any romantic partner. In fact, many admirers will think you’re playing hard to get. But once they get to know you, they’ll realize you are actually quite affectionate, in your own way. For dates, you like doing something that you can talk about after—so an indie movie and cocktail or an art opening (where you can drink free wine) is right up your alley.

When it comes to sex, you’re not one for any type of rules. If you feel like sleeping with your date, you’ll do it. For you, sex and romantic connection are two sides of the same coin, but also two separate experiences. You tend to let your freak flag fly in the bedroom, as you have unique, kinky tastes. When you find a partner who can get you to connect on an emotional level (without you feeling restricted), while also satisfying your sexual prowess, you’ll be smitten.”

I’d have to say that that is pretty spot on. It’s too bad that I can’t prove their theory right now because there’s no dating going on. Oh well, all good things right?

Hope you’re having a great week.

27 Days of Music – The Y’s… and weird thoughts.

Today was a bad day, at work anyway. It astonishes me that there is so much drama that I’m willing to put up with. It’s a weird thought. I suppose some of it is the time of year. It’s tax time so it’s pretty stressful anyway but my tolerance for self-induced pain is outstanding. I’ve become a masochist, over time, through the years. That statement is funny since I have the lowest threshold for pain ever.

I had to act like a Boss today, which i hate. I also had to put on my mediator hat, therapist hat and my serious face all day. Gone are the days I get to just show up, work and leave it all there, not that that’s happened for a while.

As far as the other stuff goes? I have no idea. My heart and head are at odds again. I keep trying to drown my thoughts with exercise. It helps while I’m doing it but then, the first moment that I have time to think about shit I start to overthink things. The hardest part here is that I’ve never been like this before, or with anyone else. I guess I’ve never really acted like a girl. People tell me this is how girls are SUPPOSED TO act. If that’s the case, I like my old, don’t give a shit attitude way better.

I really wish the weekend was here already. I’m in need of a nap and late night doing something reserved for just then. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do yet anyway. People keep offering to take me out for steak. Who am I to turn down a good steak anyway? Sometimes, I can’t believe I didn’t eat red meat for five years but it proves that if I really want something then I can do it.

I hate a weird thought today. When I’m super stressed I drive. So, at lunch, I drove. Since I’m usually prone to the same path of non-resistance, I always pass this one homeless man. I’ve seen him for years. He’s never asked for money. He carries no sign and he can fit all of his belongings in a few bags which he carries everywhere. It reminded me of a Mardi Gras trip in New Orleans when we’d lost my brother. After several hours he was found but when we asked him where he was he’d said he was hanging out with the homeless people to see what it was like. Yes, he was drunk and my brother isn’t someone who’s existential but I was always intrigued with what made him really do that.

That particular trip had a lot of surprises but that always stood out. It’s always bothered me to know that a substantial amount of homeless people are there because of two things. One, they are war veterans and two because they have some sort of mental issue. I always had a fear that a few of my friends would end up that way. I’ve always been a very understanding person when it comes to mental issues because it’s so common these days. I’d rather be the person that spends the time to do the research and try to fix or understand an issue that to brush it aside.

I don’t really know why that’s on my mind right now aside from the fact that I’ve been reading a lot lately. I think I just need to focus on helping others and that is a great place to start. My three biggest causes to support, Multiple sclerosis, Breast cancer and veterans. Each touches me in a different way, through experiences in life. So, maybe, for my birthday I’ll go do some more volunteer work or something. It’s usually things that just randomly pop up in your mind that mean it’s something you need to think about.

Maybe if I focus on helping someone else my life won’t seem so, lost. According to my sign, the only true happiness is when I’m helping someone else. I tend to agree with that. At least that way I’d have something happy to write about.

I’ve officially forgotten to eat my days lately. The only thing I remember is to write here and post my songs but that’s only got two more days. This is why I need structure and routine even though I crave surprises and spontaneity. I’m confusing. Trust me. I know this. Maybe by the time the weekends over, I’ll have something substantial to write about, something happy. We shall see. None of this is the most important stuff in my head right now.

Hope you’re having a good week.

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27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.

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27 Days of Music – The W’s… and some rambling.

It seems as though, tonight, God might have answered my prayers. I feel myself slipping away from the connection that my friend and I shared. The problem with answered prayers? They’re not always what you expect, in fact they’re rarely what you expect. I just didn’t feel anything tonight. I didn’t feel that same connection that started a little over three years ago. Maybe this IS where he’s been the whole time. Maybe that’s the answer. Or maybe none of this is the answer. If this has been where he’s at this whole time I can understand why it was so easy for someone to break this. I’m tired of being a placeholder because while he’s out looking for the love of his life, I’m putting his feelings before everything else. I refuse to hold a place for anyone because I’m worth so much more than he’ll ever understand.

My friend, from the Northeast has offered me to work full time for him in the future. This will allow me to move wherever I need to go. There will be nothing keeping me here aside from a few close friends that will make the trek to wherever I go to see me and vice versa. So, I could move to Austin with family and watch my niece grow up. All I know is that I’m too old for what I’m doing now.

My brother sent me this video last night of my niece. It was her brushing her teeth, flossing and putting everything strategically back. I’m reminded of my OCD when I watched this. People say that she reminds them of me, a lot. She’s barely three and has these little traits that I have. It’s really unbelievable. My point it that I want that. I don’t want to do this effing waiting around any longer for some stupid meaningless connection which doesn’t seem possible with anyone any longer.

I hate feeling like this. It’s an empty space feeling inside and it’s not some chemical imbalance. It’s the realization that my life could be entirely different if I’d just chosen either one of those guys or a different job or just a different life. My life choices seemed so trivial when I was making them and arbitrary but now they make me feel like I’m in the wrong life.

I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to have a family and I deserve to be happy and in a life where things didn’t turn out like this. No, my life doesn’t suck it’s just disappointing to me and my vision. I refuse to be around my younger friends, who are either playing around like children or happily married and share these thoughts. I refuse to be around my older friends who are divorced and unhappy and share these thoughts.

My birthday is a week away and I am smart enough to know that spending nights out, with random people is immature and spending my nights in being sad is unacceptable. I’m not sure where that leaves me right now. I used to look forward to my friend and my’s little outings until I realized that I might just be the first one on this list that replied. There’s nothing special any longer.

Am I sad that the connection is fleeting, this time, so fast with my friend? I don’t even know the answer to that. For such a long time, it’s felt like the only real thing that I’ve had. I could always count on feeling that way. It had become a sort of tether that would bring me out of these moods but I also knew that it was only time. I knew that those feelings, just like everything in life, had an expiration date and I also knew that if that ash wasn’t flamed that it would die out and I also knew that if I wasn’t explained by him what the hell this all was to him then I’d realize it was time to not keep doing this. I was just hoping that what was left after the ash died wouldn’t be an unrecognizable mess of typical. He and I really and truly have NOTHING that is just ours, not any more. That statement wasn’t said by someone who has/had feelings for someone else. It’s was said by someone that wants something special with each and every one of her close friends and I have that with all except him. This isn’t something but to pass the time with.

I really need an answered prayer right now but I don’t even know what my question is anymore. I don’t think I’m ok right now and of course, I’ve ignored all the texts and phone calls for the past few hours as to shut myself off from the world because that’s the only thing that I know how to do really, really well.

My hope is that I wake up tomorrow and this is all just a mood that I’m in but my fear is that it’s not. Maybe this friendship kept me here three years longer than it should or just proved to me what I really wanted and needed but right now it’s only lesson is one of sadness and a realization of a feeling that I’ve never had before slipping away so fast.

You know, I’ve never been one that expected to be saved nor blissfully happier than anyone else that I knew. But I expected to find someone that kept me grounded, had meaningful conversations with and shared some sort of intimacy that I’d never had before. What I ask for, and what I deserve is nothing extraordinary. Where the hell is he????? I’m so tired of waiting.

I’m off to have a drink on a empty stomach with someone that I probably shouldn’t. We’ll see just how horrible this turns out tomorrow. So much for the full moons greatness this weekend. So much for emotions cause today they are useless.

Is this the end?

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27 Days of Music – The V’s… and some rambling thoughts.

We’re almost at the end of this melodic alphabetic journey. I suppose that will give me an excuse to not write my thoughts out until they explode again. That’s never good. I’m feeling very strange tonight. It’s possible that it’s the full moon but since I’ve not been on speaking terms with the stars lately, I’m not sure that’s the problem.

I’ve been very antsy today and possibly lonely. I’m not sure. I can feel lonely with a room full of people so I don’t even know if that’s the issue today. It might be that I just washed down my sleeping pill with a soda, which I usually never drink.

A big, clean and cold sky that’s full of stars and a great big full moon. That’s supposed to bring on something, strange or great or different. I wish for different. I always wish for different. I’m so tired of doing the same things lately. I am really in a weird funk right now with not much of a reason for it either. I guess I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop” as they say. Just not sure which aspect of my life it’s going to fall from.

“God, tonight I ask for something new and great to come into my life and for you to take this uneasy feeling away. I’d like to be happily surprised by something that could actually be life changing soon. The stars aren’t listening to me and I’m hoping you don’t have me on mute either. Amen”

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27 Days of Music – The U’s…

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27 Days of Music – The T’s… and some rambling.

My day was rough. My night was much better but I’m still working out the rough part of the day. I think I’m going to focus my weekend internet usage on searching for a new place to live… This place is just getting worse. However, when it comes to the “new home search” I barely gain much momentum. I just always assumed I’d move right from this place to Austin unless something magical happened. Nothing magical has happened.

I’m going to go soak this day off in the tub. Hope you had a nice day.

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