Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.

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Watching others and their choices…

This afternoon I was in the grocery store. With my tiny little cart filled with oranges, leafy greens and bottled water I waiting through the line. While it seemed like the store was overfilled for a Tuesday and the lines were already long, mine seemed to never move. In the midst of flirting with some guy via text I looked up and saw the woman in front of me. She was hunched over with a cane and I just assumed that she was aging and needed to take that extra time. The young girls behind me just made fun of her and cursed and were impatient. I just went back to my half-ass flirtation.

The cashier who was checking her out was patient, very very patient. I noted that he held much more patience than not just the young girls behind me, myself but also just about anyone in a rush to get somewhere. It was about then that I overheard the lady tell the cashier that she’d just been hit by a car, not long ago and she had just gotten out of the hospital. It was obvious that she was in a lot of pain and that she didn’t have anyone else who would have gone grocery shopping for her.

It appeared that the store was short staffed and all the customers were sacking their own groceries. I decided to leave my cart where it was and go assist the woman sacking her groceries. While doing this, I’m not sure that her mind was at full capacity but the cashier who couldn’t have even been 18 yet had more patience than I could have imagined. He listened to her. He was helpful when she couldn’t remember her pin number and assisted her writing her check.

The whole process that should have taken about 10 minutes took about 40 minutes and by the time the lady was actually being assisted out the door with her groceries I was so thoroughly impressed with the cashier that I asked him to call his manager over. He had a look on his face of being petrified. I told him, “Don’t worry. I think you handled that customer better than most people would. I want to offer a compliment to your manager for you.”

He replied with, “I don’t usually get compliments and the ones that I do get are usually bad.”

First, I quickly realized that he didn’t understand what the word ‘compliment’ actually meant but second I was surprised that he really never had anyone say anything nice about him. That part made me a bit sad. There is this young kid who, in my opinion, went above and beyond helping someone and it didn’t seem hard for him. It seemed that it was in his nature but no one ever really noticed that before?

That, right there, is why I am so over all the negativity that is everywhere. It’s on TV, social media, in discussion with strangers or even friends. I understand today more so than in a long time why someone coined the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

After that I came home and watched a YouTube video about three women who felt ugly, unattractive and boring. An interviewer in the video told them that they were beautiful, strong women and each one cried. Two of these ladies where probably over 50 and one was around 16. It baffles me that they’d never heard that before. It almost made me cry because that’s something that almost everyone needs to hear.

Beauty doesn’t mean, to me, that someone is outwardly attractive or has a great body or whatever the latest H&M ad on TV wants us to believe is beautiful. Beauty is comprised of what is on the inside of a person. Who cares if someone offers you a bouquet of roses if inside the bouquet is a pile of shit. It doesn’t make sense to me.

If you are someone who holds in compliments or holds on to the label “beautiful” until you think you’ve seen someone’s appearance you’re missing the entire point of what we are here for and to be quite honest you’re a shitty person. If you are that type of person, I hope we don’t meet.

I am guilty of the same. It’s easier to compliment a stranger for me than to compliment someone that I see all the time but I will do better. I will choose to do better and to make a point of complimenting more. It’s amazing what a few nice words can do to someone. It’s a selfless act that doesn’t make much time at all. Something as small as telling a woman that she has a beautiful smile or telling a man that he looks nice in a shirt… Anything works.

I just finished submitting a customer comment on the grocery stores web site because that kid needs to know that he did a pretty amazing thing today. And that’s my gratitude for the day.

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Freezing temps and freezing emotions…

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I thought I’d be staying in almost all weekend and enjoying the warmness of the inside all while knowing there would be a nice awesome chill outside. As an added bonus it snowed for about two minutes on Friday afternoon. It was nothing major but enough for me to remember why I missed snow.

Friday was a typical day at work. I came home and took a little nap then went out for a few hours. When I got home I started to get into a new TV show that my BFFs been telling me to watch for a while. Saturday was a little of the same thing. I worked for a little while, took a nap and then went out for a while and came home and watch some more of this new show.

I made sure to write in my gratitude journal every night. I made sure that the things I was grateful weren’t just the typical things. I tried to make notes of all the little things that happened throughout each day as well so I can look back and realize just how many blessings are in my life.

Then comes Sunday. I honestly thoughts I’d relax most of the day then have dinner with some friends at night. It didn’t exactly work out like that. I got up early and had my coffee. I then worked out for an hour and finished the “must do” items by working for a bit. Then around 1ish THE friend came over to re-watch Game of Thrones because there’s so much to miss in each episode.

I had no expectations and no plans of doing anything else. I was mentally writing the things I’m grateful for with him though. I am grateful that he scrubs the toilet. I am grateful that he cleaned his dishes tonight. I am grateful that he came over.

But with all the good, you know there’s bad as well. First, I’m trying to get health and for that to happen I can’t have crap food in my home. It’s always been a fear that if I didn’t keep it here that would be one less reason for him to come over because he usually eats it all. Today did nothing to stop those fears and he just seemed bored the majority of the time.

Another thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion, physical touching and words in general. He just seemed cold and distant. I hate that feeling because I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that. He started a new job and I asked him how it was and he ignored the question so I left it alone. If I took away all the words that weren’t about the show we were watching we probably spent 5-10 words on each other.

When he’s seeing a new person he usually becomes distant like that. If that’s what going on then fine but I don’t know how much of this I can take before it ruins my mood. I’ve been doing so much better and I don’t want him or his lack of emotions or the fact that he’s got a new woman in his life to change things for us.

We really did use to have this really special friendship. I believe he described it as “unusually intimate and undefinable” before. I liked that version of us because the version we are now is just cold and boring. I don’t do cold and boring. That’s just not something that I want to invest my time in.

On a good day I get the impression that he holds back all these good or great emotions for me and that’s exciting even though I know that it’s a false hope type of situation. It at least makes things interesting but on a bad day I just feel like someone who THE friends just keeps an appointment with just in case he ever needs something important or when there’s an emergency. That’s not really a friend.

My version of a friend is something who texts you out of the blue with stupid things. A friend is someone that hugs you first before going to your fridge. A friend is someone that wants to have a conversation with you and doesn’t make you feel invisible.

In my world, Sunday’s are the worst days to do something with someone that you actually want to spend time with because one or both of you has to work the next day. So he keeps his Friday and Saturday nights free for new girls, other girls or better offers. That a pathetic thought. “How can I exert the least amount of energy to show her that I am a friend but don’t let it impede actually having fun”. I believe that’s his thought process.

I’m on the verge of tears here writing all this because I’ve not felt this bad for a while now and it’s not fair to me. When our mutual friend asks if THE friend and I have talked lately I’ve never felt like it was a lie to say no because we never talk and therefore not a lie. I could have a thousand friends make me feel great but he does or doesn’t do the littlest thing and it changes my mood entirely.

It’s painfully obvious that we are not real friends much less “unusually intimate and undefinable”. It’s a sad thing when you can see a relationship die right before your eyes. I’m sure since there was no stimulation for him here tonight that I won’t be seeing or hearing from him for a while. I hate this place we’ve in. Now that made me cry.

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Awesome Day 3 and still counting…

Today is day 3 of this awesome year so far. Work was exceptional. I got to catch up with an old friend even though we missed each other over the holidays. Lastly, I did something today that will forever change me and my health in such a good way. I’m not ready to tell you that part yet but I will one day.

Years ago I came across “The Secret” By Rhonda Byrne. I don’t even remember how this came into my world but it seemed to be at the exact moment that I needed it. I’m sure most of you know what this is by now. It’s a basic theory that whatever you want you can attract by the power of your mind, thoughts and actions. Seems stupidly simplistic right? Well, if it was then I’d have had a better year last year.

Truth is, when it first fell into my life and I practice what they preached it worked. If I wanted a guy I’d get him, if I wanted money I’d get it or if I just wanted small things I’d get those things as well. My good friend, who I lovingly call asshat, also did it and he got everything he wanted at that time as well.

It was around this time that someone in my life’s health started failing and I got distracted but I’ve recently started to focus on this again. Some of you might say that if things are that easy to get then why don’t I ask to win the lottery or have THE friend fall in love with me or something monumental. Well, I believe in things being returned 10 fold.

If I was to ask to win the lottery but it was supposed to go to someone else instead then I’d have done something bad. If I want money then it’s more about things like starting a business or getting a raise. Things that directly affect only me. Same with love. If I asked that someone who doesn’t or hasn’t already fallen in love with me do it then maybe I’d miss out on who I’m supposed to be with. So I don’t ask for things that might change other people’s outcomes.

If you listen to the movie, audiobook or read the actual book then you’ll understand just how powerful your thoughts are. For instance, have you ever woken up and immediately tripped after getting out of bed? A typical first thought would be, “Oh, it’s going to be that kind of day.” Then you get to work, spill coffee, have someone ding your car or realize that you’ve just missed the due date on a bill. Well, what if you just brushed off the initial trip and still said to yourself that you were about to have a fantastic day and that nothing is going to change that…

Want to punch me yet? Trust me I don’t blame you. It just doesn’t sound right except it works. And I haven’t even mastered 10% of the power of this yet. In my world, I needed a bit of extra cash so I started manifesting these thoughts and low and behold I came in to some extra cash and by extra I mean a lot. So I used some of that for the purpose that I needed it for but after that I made an investment in my health which is the best investment I could possibly make.

Recently though, I read that there’s three things you should keep to yourself if working “The Secret”. These items are: “Your love life, your income and your next move”. I’m not entirely sure that those came about from the secret but people seem to live by those items.

I shared those items with my brother over the holidays when we were having a “moment”. He and I actually had several moments over the last few months which is strange for us but appreciated since I miss real, true and meaningful moments. They were few and far between. Which led me to another one of my New Years resolutions (for lack of a better term). I want to be more honest with the people around me, the people I love. I want to give more compliments and do more things for those around me. As much as I’m going to make this year more about me than ever before it doesn’t mean that I can’t pass on kindness to those in my life that deserve it.

I’m tired of having silent moments or moments of just wasting time. Those things are changing for the better and I couldn’t be happier. Being able to catch up with my long time brother (from another… you know), tonight, and having him share some private life moments and private thoughts just made me realize that even though he and I don’t get to see each other much when we do get a chance to talk or catch up, it makes those moments so much more appreciated. He’s awesome and I love him. We never have a wasted moment between us. So, finishing up, I might be less inclined to speak of my love life, my finances and my ‘next move’ but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to say.

Last year I spent most nights taking sleeping pills so that I would get to bed and just pass out because I didn’t want to face my own life. I take them now because I have too many ideas and great thoughts going through my mind to fall asleep. What a difference a day makes right?

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