This song is really hitting something today… a nerve or a memory or something but it’s got me feeling things I shouldn’t be feeling. I hate missing someone and it’s always the same damn person. Blah.
Aside from this song today I had a great weekend. Yesterday I traveled to see my family and got to see my niece after far too long. She’s 10 but she’s also like 30… It’s crazy. We exchanged Christmas gifts and I got a guitar which now I just need to find one of these men of mine to teach me how to play. I’m very excited for that. Years ago I taught myself how to play the piano and got pretty good at it. I had a nice and unfortunately expensive keyboard that I used which got lost in the hurricane a few years back now. So now I’m going to learn the guitar instead.
One of the best parts of the trip was the drive. It was about and hour and 45 minutes and was beautiful. Traffic wasn’t too bad and the weather was perfect. It was a nice trip on a Sunday where we celebrated Christmas and my birthday because we weren’t able to during Christmas. Now, I am back at work and tired. So tired but have so much to do. Which makes the day go by fast so I’m ok with that.
I am sitting at my desk, working wrapped in a heated blanket because my body can’t handle cold at all. Not surprising as a lot of women that I know can’t. I hope to have a very interesting week and maybe I’ll tell you all about it but I’m in a good mood and enjoying life today. Hope you all are as well.
I have had a weird year already and we’re not quite at a week into it yet. I basically asked the universe for only the people in my world to have good intentions and all the rest can leave my space and I’ve had the one I wanted to hear from disappear yet again and one that I didn’t care if I heard from again show back up.
The one I wanted to hear from back who reached out a couple weeks ago… Poof he’s gone again and I won’t reach out to him because I’ve never not been unavailable to him when he’s asked. The one that reached out was the friend of his that was an almost FWB from early last year. The guy that ended up “saving me” from an uncomfortable situation at a bar. He and I hadn’t talked for several months and he tells me that he’s got a new job that’s close to where I live. I understood what he was suggesting but that’s not happening because he’s too close in the circle to the guy I have feelings for which won’t seem to fucking go away.
But after that interaction and a few others I realize that all these “FWB’s” keep coming back and that means that I’m doing something wrong. I mean, I’m doing something right but these are not the men I want in my life. I’m not looking for a quick bang and then move on. Maybe a few years ago that would have been ok but it’s not now. That part is my fault because I’m not clear with my intentions to the men in my life. That’s probably because I’m not even clear with myself what my own intentions or desires are.
Now, that’s changed. I want the best friend, partner experience with as much independence as possible but still feel like we belong to each other when we’re together. It’s tough because it’s hard to articulate. I can’t even articulate it here and I don’t even have to worry about making sense to anyone who actually knows me on here.
I’m in a weird mood and apparently emotional as it’s the full moon, everything’s in retrograde and I’m just not having an expected experience so far this year… Did that make sense? I’ve already ignored the date that I was supposed to go on this weekend because I’m certainly not feeling that right now. So this means I have no idea what I’m doing this weekend at all and maybe I’ll do nothing. All I do know is that this song is on my “Sexy Mix” and God help the next man that I actually do see on a date. 🙂
I’m sitting here watching Yellowstone and being envious of Rip and Beth’s relationship. It’s a damn cold night with the wind biting outside and the temperature which feels like 10 degrees and it keeps dropping. I’m warm and toasty on the couch with a heated blanket and some decaf coffee and being in my head way too much.
There’s a convenience store that I frequently go to and there’s this older Indian gentleman that works there. Every time I’ve gone in there he flirts and always asks when I’ll let him take me out. Today I went in an he’d purchased me a Christmas gift of perfume. That puts a whole new spin on “If he wanted to he would” which I don’t actually believe in but here we are. I bring him up because I’ve been blessed this year with gift baskets, cash, and iPad, beauty products and more and I haven’t even gone to Christmas with my family yet. Those were all private clients. I am thankful for everyone that has blessed me or told me how important I am to them. It’s nice to hear.
One of the guys I was telling you about and I were speaking because I’d gotten bored and actually returned his call and we started talking about Yellowstone and why girls go crazy for Rip and Beth. If you’ve seen the show you’ll understand. If you haven’t then you really should. It’s a good show. But I explained my reasons because I see myself in Beth a lot. Rip can pull out the coldness in her and just by one passion filled, pulled in face kiss she forgets everything. That’s what I need. I need a guy to let me be vulnerable and it be ok.
I need a man that can soften my sharp edges and one who can put me in my place forcefully but yet kind. Plus I need that kind of strength in a man but that can also be extremely vulnerable. Vulnerability is a sexy trait. I also need to find someone that’s on some sort of spiritual journey as well. One that likes meditation, clean eating and just making themselves better daily. I’m a hypocrite since I’ve not been doing well these last few weeks but I’m getting better.
I don’t know, I’m in a weird head space tonight. I think it has to do with the weather, the long drive in a day and a few other things. Either way I’m spacey. Anyway, enjoy your holiday. Have a wonderful time and maybe tell someone something that will make them feel good. xxx
I’m feeling this song lately but I’m also feeling all these sexy, sexual songs too. My dreams, OMG my dreams are so very sexual and vivid lately. It’s probably because it’s been way too long since I’ve had a man lay on top of me for any reason. This is my own fault.
I, pretty quickly, stopped speaking to both those guys that I met over the last couple months. Then I met a new guy about two weeks ago and my interest lasted a few hours and I was done with that. I don’t know if it’s getting older and not having the patience to go through the drama or what but I’ve said this before, as much as I want to be in a romantic relationship I just don’t have the energy for it.
It’s like the conversation is great when we’re talking about sex then they want to get all personal and all I can think is, “Well that’s none of your business”. So on my end I’m completely guarded and just impatient at the same time. I’m a confusing mess I guess. I just need someone to surprise me in a good way. I need something that’s not the same old shit that I’m used to. I need someone who will happily engage me into conversation, sex and life.
I feel like I’m sleepwalking through this part of my life right now and like I’ve done nothing but work all year. You think it’s possible to age out of happy surprises, to age out of meeting that one person who matches you, compliments you and challenges you? That’s what I need… I need to meet a man that makes my toes curl, makes me moan when we kiss and one that feels like comfort BEFORE I spend too much time with him. I need fireworks, if only for just a moment. But I really don’t dwell on it and that’s probably why I stay single.
I swear it’s exhausting living in my head sometimes, actually most days it’s exhausting. I just need something new and exciting, maybe something to look forward to… I think I’m losing hope.
This last month has been so weird for me. Not that that isn’t out of the ordinary for weird shit to happen but… About a month ago I met this guy through work. We hit it off as soon as we started talking. Had some really great conversations and we vibed really well. Soon after we started talking he was calling himself my “new boyfriend” to which I just ignored.
Then I’d gone out with a long time friend who had gotten drunk and told me that he loved me and that we should be together. I wrote that off as him being too drunk to know what he was saying and I chose to ignore that as well. We were suppose to hang out several other times since then but I’d canceled because I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. He’s a friend, a long time friend and I didn’t want that ruined.
This past weekend we finally got to hang out and it was fun but I started out the evening telling him that I was seeing someone so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. I am obviously not seeing anyone but as the evening went on I told him he had to speak to at least one other woman there which he did.
As he’s speaking with someone else I saw some musician friends there that I knew and started speaking with them. There was a new guy that was a few years older than I was but apparently we’d gone to the same high school and ended up speaking the rest of the evening. It was a good conversation and I was enjoying myself and so was the friend that I came there with. This new guy was really attentive and showing a lot of affection and saying all the right things. He seems like a really good guy.
As expected I woke up the next day to a DM from him, again, saying all the right things. He’s asking me questions about myself, wants to go out and is being very respectful and nice. I entertained all of this for a couple days and then something in me just stopped it all.
See, there’s something in me that’s broken, I think. Here are two good looking men in the matter of a couple weeks that like me, a lot. They’re giving me exactly what I need as far as attention and affection and time. These are the things I’ve been looking for and BAM they’re there. But something in me just can’t make it work. Something in me is saying that it’s all that I want but not from them. There’s truly only one man that I want all that with and I know in my head we’ll never get there. It’s as if they can’t make me feel like I do when I’m around him then I don’t even want to try. How fucked up is that?
It’s not even that I’m holding out hope that he and I will ever see or speak again. I’ve also been “moving on” since the day we stopped speaking because I knew it would happen but it doesn’t change the fact that THAT is the way I need someone to make me feel again. I realize that it wasn’t him nor was it me. The feelings I have to this day are ones that I felt when WE were together. I could just sit there and listen to him speak for hours while I try with other men and I just end up screaming in my head “SHUT UP!”.
I tend to get closer to men these days that I know won’t ever end up as anything to “get off the hook” when I ghost them. Which is something that I’ve never done before. I hate that I have done that to them and I hate that I can’t just tell them the truth. All because I know that the truth doesn’t help anyone. See, I told you I was broken.
I’ve never been someone that NEEDS to be with someone and where I am with life right now I do still want a relationship with someone that I can be myself and be silly and do stupid shit together but that I feel comfortable with and that feels the same way with me. This is not one of those “be sad for me” posts. It’s more a post about me feeling this way and not having someone that I feel comfortable telling except for you all.
I tell you all that I ask for signs and answers from the universe all the time. I asked for one the other day and I heard this things that resinated with me so much. It was a question, “Who drains the water when you feel like you’re drowning?” I didn’t even have to think about it. He did. When I see him or hear from him HE DOES, without even trying. We go, what feels like an eternity, not speaking and when we do even if it’s three sentences and everything feels ok for just that moment in time.
I get that everyone goes through heartbreak and loss. Everyone does. But eventually people move on and find someone that makes them feel the same or better and what you’ve gone through doesn’t matter anymore but this is different. I don’t know why. It just is. If I could snap my fingers and make it all go away I would. I tell myself all the time, “It meant nothing to him. Move on. You’ve got many options”. I try to talk myself into a new guy and telling myself that it was all just a fever dream or something. I meditate and write and ask the universe for something else with the same feelings or emotions and all to no avail.
I don’t know what to do anymore except just give in to whatever this is supposed to teach me. Give in to the idea that no one else will ever be “good enough” or the same. Then I just throw more of myself into work and sleep with a cold side of the bed. Maybe I did just make it all up. Maybe I am delusional and a little crazy. Maybe I’m just stupid. But, at the end of the day, all I want to say is… Stay. xxx
When guys listen to music do they actually hear the lyrics and feel something that they attribute to a person? Or do they just like the way it sounds and then proceed to liking the song? Just curious. Most of the time I listen to all of it and if the lyrics remind me of someone that’s when I really like it because I’ve never been able to articulate my actual feelings to humans, hence the love of music which does it for me… more later maybe. xxx
Most of you that have been here for some time know that I have a weird relationship with my boss. We’ve worked together for an extremely long amount of time and it’s like a brother/sister thing but he calls me his “work wife”. This is pretty accurate and I probably know him the best out of anyone including all his insane flaws and I adjust and schedule knowing him all too well.
The reason I bring this up is that I have seen him through his marriage and ending of that, an extensively long girlfriend and the end of that plus two other relationships the last being the one he’s in now. I am still friends with his ex-wife and his other two major girlfriends. The one he’s in a relationship with now, I’ve never met. More about that later.
The girl he’s got now is VERY clingy and needs reassurance all the time. There’s distrust there and she seems suffocating to me. She’s very accusatory in my opinion and is very offended that we haven’t met each other yet. I have nothing against meeting her but we just haven’t had the opportunity yet. She’s also very offended that I am still friends with all his ex women. She thinks it’s a bad environment.
So I have thoughts about all of this. First, I don’t talk about my boss with these other women to keep a barrier and they don’t speak about him. Second, none of them have done anything “wrong” so I’m not going to just stop being their friend. Lastly, her feeling of suffocation has nothing to do with me. It’s not my responsibility to fix her emotions.
But with all that said, I think that some men live for chaos and conflict. Sometimes I think that their childhood years were such a mess that they don’t feel alive unless they are always in flight mode. I see this when they finally, years later, find a real and true relationship that’s conflict free and chaos free and they get bored. They don’t know what to do with themselves if they’re not being accused of something or some woman isn’t yelling at them for some reason or they’re not in constant fight mode.
I have never understood this because I live such a calm life. I hate conflict and I don’t like to argue. I don’t have a tracking device on my significant others and don’t need them to check in. If you’re with someone you either trust them or you don’t. I’ve had men leave their phones with me and I have no desire to check them. I don’t check their social media or become an FBI agent looking through someone’s stuff.
I just do not understand why men choose to stay in chaos. One of my closest male friends had found this amazing woman and was dating her for about a year when his crazy ex came back in his life and he chose to breakup with the girlfriend and go back to the ex and the outcome was not great. It’s just so weird to me. When I’ve been in relationships where there was fighting or mistrust I didn’t stay. If any man thinks that I have cheated and doesn’t believe me when I say that I have never and would never then there’s no convincing.
When I was younger I put up with disturbances to my peace a whole lot more than I do now. Mostly it was because that’s what I knew. Growing up it was always chaos and screaming and abuse but now that I’ve healed I realize that seeking that out as an adult is just staying in a cycle of negativity. When I’m in a relationship I want that time we’re together to be filled with love, passion and peace. That’s not to say you don’t argue or have some discomfort but there’s a threshold and as I get older that threshold is so much lower than it’s ever been. Don’t disturb my peace.
I am so damn loyal that I’ve turned down seven dates from men that run in the same circle as the guy I have feelings for because that seems so wrong to me. What’s worse is that he and I aren’t even speaking and it’s been a year since we’ve seen each other and we might not ever again and yet I still make sure to not do anything that might hurt him in anyway because I’m not that girl who wants to disturb a mans peace.
I’m not better than anyone but I have come to realize that I am different than a lot of girls. I understand that a lot of girls are acting certain ways because of their history but I believe that someone else’s history shouldn’t control your actions with someone new. While it’s ok to be cautious, it’s not ok to bleed your bad history on someone who didn’t cause it.
I also think that’s a lot of the reason why I fall for the wrong men. These men are so used to chaos in their lives that I feel the need to be something of a calming blanket or a peaceful place to lay their head. After a while they end up going back to something that causes them stress or anger or disturbs their peace because maybe they get bored. Maybe some guys thrive on drama like some girls thrive on drama. I want them to come home and wash their day off of them and get into bed for comfort that doesn’t involve me asking 50 questions about where they’ve been or who they’ve been with. That’s not me… I think you can live a passion filled live without the drama. You think I’m wrong?
In my opinion this is one of the best cover songs from one of the best TV shows ever made. No, I was not a Jax fan. I was an Opie fan and I sobbed when… well if you watched the show then you know.
This weekend was strange and I still feel strange today. I did a lot and saw a lot of people. One was a guy I’d been talking to a lot and we actually got to see each other for a while. It was so boring. He was boring. I know that sounds mean but if you can’t keep me entertained for a few moments then there’s pretty much no hope.
It felt like he’d read some article about things to ask a girl you like and these questions were absolutely horrible. I mean, who cares what’s my favorite color. Do you really want to know? It is so hard to date in this world. It’s not always the man’s fault. I really try to not waste anyone’s time though.
I know that it’s so hard to find someone that I don’t have uncomfortable silences with, that I’m attracted to and that keeps me entertained. Once they pass all of that, which is very rare, I tend to still detach from them as much as possible. It’s an endless cycle. This is why it seems peaceful when I stop actively dating. Maybe I’ll do that again. I really hate dating. I just want to find a guy I vibe with and say, “Hey lets move in together. You cool with that? Awesome”. Screw all the rest of it. I’m not even sure why I try any more.
On another note, you know when you’re looking to buy something and then you start to see it everywhere? So as I’ve said so many times I’m looking for buy a home. I have all these alerts set and every time I pass a home I think is cute and up for sale I do all my research about it. Buying a home is so tough when you have no real decisive idea what you’re looking for.
All of that above is in part why I feel weird but also the weather. I love this weather so much. It’s the kind that feels so good sitting outside drinking a warm cup of coffee wrapped in a blanket in the morning, except that I don’t feel safe outside my home at any time because of what happened a couple weeks ago. That’s unfortunate but I’ll find a place where I do and I’ll enjoy this weather soon. It’s boots and scary movies and soup time. 🙂
Something a bit traumatic happened a couple weeks ago. Since it happened I have only told 2 people. One of those people was my boss who told his brother and one of my best girl friends. The short story is that someone attempted to break in to my home while I was asleep.
Since then I’ve obviously been sleeping like crap and every little sound wakes me up. I’ve been sleeping with the lights and TV on which is awful. But the biggest thing that I have noticed is that it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt safe and secure. When I did, I took that for granted.
This is also why I’ve remembered every single guy that’s had those characteristics of making me feel safe and secure. Earlier this year when I got to know a musician friend well I remember being attracted to him because he kept me safe in a strange situation that I didn’t feel comfortable in. He and I haven’t spoken for a very long time because I felt it was inappropriate because he was friends with the guy that I have feelings for but I will always be grateful of him for “taking care of me” that night.
I also remember the guys that walk me to my car, that have me walk on the opposite side of the car and ones that ask me to text me when I get home and follow up if I don’t. These feel like such small things but they really do make a difference. I think I’ve gotten confused in the past as to actually liking someone or finding something about them that’s safe.
It’s a strange world we live in these days and I don’t know how to feel about things but for right now I just need to feel safe and secure and while I am an independent woman I think that means having a man in my life as a constant right now. I know when I feel like this I tend to not make the right decisions like going to spend time with men that I don’t intend to feel anything for but ones that make me feel secure so I know that and will adjust my expectations to be emotionally healthier than I have in the past. I need a lion today to help me feel safe. That’s what’s going on these days or at least some of it… maybe more later. xxx
I had this really amazing experience yesterday. I met this guy, out of the blue, that I had the most amazing conversation with. It’s so rare these days to meet people that actually have thought provoking questions and don’t just use “filler” for conversation. I think I’ve been craving intellectual conversation.
We sat for a while and chatted and at one point he asked me this question, “If you and the last person you are/were in love with were actually protagonists in a movie how would you feel about watching it? How would you feel about them.” I made a face. He said, “I guess I know the answer because of the face you made.” I said, “No, that face was about how introspective that question was. I need time to think of the actual answer.” I was absolutely impressed by his question.
Now, 24 hours later, I’m thinking about the conversation but more importantly, the question. For some reason I felt like I had to look at it like I had died and was looking at myself from above. I was watching our interactions and here’s the interesting part of it all… I didn’t hate it. You all know I’m not really one for chick-flicks BUT I pictured this whole lifetime in a movie.
Both of our pasts were these trauma filled dramas, but then the movie flies by through all our teens and twenty-somethings with humor and mistakes and mild love with a few heartbreaks in between but when it gets really spicy is the night we meet. From that point on for four years up till now it becomes hectic and sad and funny and hurtful and cinematic.
After I was thinking about it I started spiraling down… My mind went to “How would he describe it? Will I ever get another chance to ask him? Is this where the movies ends? Am I even a protagonist in his movie? Did I even make it off the cutting room floor?
So, I liked the question as long as you don’t think too hard about it. If you don’t have your happy ending it might make you spiral. At that point I decided to do two things. One was to write about it here, in anonymity and two was to ask a higher power, my guides and my angels for a sign.
What sign am I looking for? That this is just our intermission, I guess. I want us to have a happy ending. This is really the only “relationship” where I can see further out from it than today. That I actually want a future, whatever that looks like. But in the same breath I also need the sign to prove that this is the end of the movie too, if it is. I need that sign because moving on sucks. I’ve literally been trying to move on for the entirety of the four years we’ve known each other. But if this is the finale it’s imperative that I know that now. That I try to make one of these background relationships actually work. I need to know that the chemistry that we had was just that and it finally fizzled out of existence.
People say that time is just a silly construct. People talk about the right time. Truth is though, this “time” is now and that’s all that matters. I’ve placed myself on the bench for so long out of the idea that I didn’t want to cheat on this man that I felt was a piece of me somehow. No one else placed me here. I could have been playing this entire time. Actually I tried playing but it just hasn’t worked out, with him or with anyone. I find it exhausting to attempt to find a connection somewhere else. I like “our” connection because that’s the part that wasn’t work.
Then, last night I had another dream with him in it. He was talking about how we’re friends and for the first time I said what I actually felt about that. I said, “Yes, I am YOUR friend. If you were to call me at 4 in the morning and needed help I’d be there. If you needed a shoulder, a ride or money, I’d be there. The reverse is not and has never been true. Deep in my gut I know that’s not what I deserve. I deserve the best.
I deserve a guy who opens doors and asks me how my day was, waiting for the actual answer. I deserve someone who thinks about me more than a fleeting moment. I deserve a guy who follows through with things he’s said and promised. I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me question my sanity past midnight on a Saturday after a nice dinner with friends. Someone who doesn’t play games and is honest and truthful and doesn’t leave the most heart felt texts I’ve ever sent blank with a reply.
I know all this and I’m smarter than this. If I actually told my friends my version of the events they’d all think I was an idiot and honestly, they’d all be right. Yet another reason why I probably don’t tell them anything.
That was another thing the guy I met yesterday asked me. He asked me when the last time I truly confided in someone. I don’t actually remember. I know I talk to one of my girl friends about love and relationships but he doesn’t come up. How do I explain that I’m hopelessly in love with a guy that treats me like a Christmas present he got years ago and when he’s bored or lonely, he plays with me. You know why I don’t have conversations about him… I’ve already said, because it would make me feel like a total fucking idiot.
I know my worth. I have spent the majority of my life never settling for mediocre. I’ve never wasted the time of a man that was in love with me knowing that I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and those that I have accidentally, I’ve atoned for. I’ve spent years healing things in me that caused trauma that weren’t even broken by me. I’m an amazing friend, girlfriend and person…
Why am I taking inventory? Because every once in a while I need to be reminded of all of this myself. I’ve had a lot of “off days” lately where I wasn’t sure about anything and especially my place in this life. I’ve been feeling like a supporting character and not the main character in MY OWN LIFE for a while now. I keep saying, “It’s time to be selfish for a while” and that lasts for a day or two and then I’m back to putting everyone else first instead of me. But I don’t actually know or remember what it’s like to let someone one take care of me or for someone else to put me first.
I’m at a very strange place in life right now. It feels like purgatory and I’ve been spun around so many times I don’t remember which way is out. I am working on myself, every single day but one of those things that I forget that makes me feel better is this. Venting to you all here.
It’s so strange right now in my home. It’s quiet. There’s no music or TV on. I can hear the faint hum of a bug zapper and the clacking of my nails on this keyboard but it’s calming quiet. I can feel the energy and the power of the full moon. It’s past 1 am and I’m not sleepy yet but I know that I’ll be up before 8 in the morning which still had no bearing on me sleeping right now. Hopefully once I do hit the pillow I’ll fall fast because I’ve gotten all this off my chest, out of my heart and head. Thanks for reading… xxx
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