The Obscurities of Staying Happy…

It’s such a strange feeling to know that, because I am such a private person, I need to vent on this blog about my life but as soon as I do I know that things will change. Usually for the worse. I don’t know if that means that the universe finds out that I’m happy and then, like the flick of a finger throws out what was good or if someone is giving me “evil eye” through these pages and hoping that I don’t get to a happy place but either way I hate it.

I just recently put my words on here from last weekend. Truth is, it was a good weekend. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and was in control or so I thought. I’d felt guilty about messing around with someone who was married. That’s the truth but I also knew that their marriage had way more issues that me. This guy is a serial cheater. I knew that. I knew that there were no emotions except sexual and I knew that there was a connection. So, knowing all these things, I’d gone to see my Shaman friend the night before the full moon. I explained the situation to her and she read my cards.

There were a few revelations that came up. The first card she drew was the temptress card. I almost gave her a devil stare. She said, “Right now you are a temptress and are attracting men. Regardless if they are the ones your want or not it’s something about you.” This is not news but it still doesn’t make me understand it any better. Yes, I am in a place where, for some reason, men (usually the wrong ones) are attracted to me) but why? Is it because I say whatever I want and don’t really care who’s standing next to me? Is it because I have this, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about me? What about ME is making me a temptress because right now I DO NOT feel like one.

It’s weird, I’ve been hanging out a lot with my boss’s girlfriend as well lately and she said the same thing. She and I had gone to rent a truck a couple weeks ago and the driver, who didn’t even speak English, asked if he could take me out? “Um seriously, like you JUST meet me 2 minutes ago”. I replied in my best most terrible Spanish that I was taken but was flattered. Luckily, my boss’s girlfriend is fluent in Spanish and cleaned it up a bit. But then, she’d gone to one of the band shows with me a couple weeks ago and told me later that the chemistry between the drummer and I was noticeable. She said you could cut it with a knife. I told her then that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to sleep with him even though I’ve probably NEVER wanted to sleep with someone so much in my life, and this was ONLY because he’s married. I said this knowing that she’d slept with my boss for years while he was married but I don’t censor myself because of someone else’s history.

Moving on to this weekend. The band played on Friday. It would have been one whole week since the drummer and I had even spoken, touched or… with each other. I don’t reach out to him and he doesn’t reach out to me. I guess we just assume we’ll see each other. Actually, I assume if he even wanted to be friends outside of the gigs then he’d reach out to me. BUT I was nervous, excited and tired as hell. But I’d also had a lot of other things on my mind. I was in my head so much that night and my friend was in a bad place because of a ton of stuff going on in her life.

The drive was horrible. I pretty much told my friend that I was out of it and wouldn’t talk much and I didn’t except yelling at the terrible drivers that continually got in my way on our over an hour drive. Part of my drive was contemplative. I thought a lot about all the crazy things that the drummer had said the weekend before. We’d both been drinking but to be honest I don’t think either of us actually were impaired that night. We knew what we were doing.

That night started out harmlessly flirting but at the end of the night I seriously needed and WANTED to get away from my friend because she was wasted and attracting the attention of unwanted men and passing on the unwanted attention of other men to me. I repeatedly told numerous men that night that I was in a relationship just to get them to stop grabbing my ass, trying to blow in my ear and other really annoying things that men do when I DON’T want their attention. Anyway, so I went out back to wait for the crowd to die down and just happened to be waiting on his truck bumper… OK YES! I knew what I was doing. But he came out and we actually had a pretty good conversation. But it quickly turned sexual.

NONE of this was started by me and it hasn’t been any time this has happened. He has always initiated things. But some of the things he was saying were just erotic porn which was poetry to my ears. But the entire time he was speaking we were both dead locked into each others eyes. It was… extreme. I wasn’t looking away and he wasn’t looking away and I knew he wasn’t going to and he knew I wasn’t going to… It was a whole thing.

After about 45 minutes of this porn poetry, that’s when he went in for the kiss that almost never ended. Within minutes he’d found THAT spot on my neck… It’s a special spot that not too many men have found but since he did I asked him to bite me and leave a mark, and that’s why I’ve looked like someone throat punched me for a week now. Then things escalated to the point that I ALMOST was willing to let him take me in the parking lot of this bar. BUT, I’m a lady not a whore AND because I did tell him that I wouldn’t fuck him because he’s married. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THIS TOOK! We have sexual chemistry BUT that’s all.

Here’s where guys will say anything to get laid. At one point he’d asked if I lived alone so he could come over early in the morning, have sex, lay in bed naked all day and then have sex at night. That would be a great night IF he didn’t have to lie about where he was. Then I asked him if he was snipped and he said no he was loaded and that we could have a little Peruvian baby running around. WTF! “I’m sorry. What’s your last name again?” But to be honest with you, the words that he said that pissed me off the most were when he kept introducing me as his “really good friend”. Uh, no, no I’m not. MY really good friends are people that I see outside of a “work” setting. They are ones that I have real conversations with. My ‘really good friends’ are ones that I would give the world to. THAT’S the part that made me realize this is a guy that didn’t really give two shits about the girl on the other side of his face was.

So all these things are what I was thinking about on the drive to go see the band this Friday night. I’d had a work thing so I was more dressed up than normal but still looked cute, I thought. We get to the location and the parking was a mess so we flirted with a valet who worked for another restaurant and asked if he would take our car then bring it back when there was a spot open. He reluctantly agreed but since I’d dropped a 10 lb weight on my toe the day before I was already feeling pain which my 4 in heels made worse.

As we walked inside I saw the drummers truck out front and I got nervous again. WTF! Guys don’t make me nervous. We went in and grabbed a table closest to the band and I sat down while my friend went and finished applying her makeup in the bathroom. He walked passed and said, “I’m so mad at you”. Again, all I could say is WTF? Later he explained that he has been trying to be “good” and I “mind fucked him”. Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, not only didn’t that happen, I will reiterate that I have never initiated things and I have ALWAYS stopped them. So, uh, where is my mind fuck? Regardless, it was a strange night. I hadn’t told my friend what had happened even though she basically figured it out when HE confessed about my neck. I thought I’d gotten away with it I made her believe that I’d fallen but that was his big mouth. Neither of us would really keep eye contact and we really didn’t speak that much at all. I was hoping things would have gone better than that but the night was fucked up aside from just “our” weirdness.

My friends Mister was being strange to her and in turn she decides to get pissed off at him and flirt with another guy. Then a guy from the week before shows up and he’s now in stalker territory. So, she didn’t want the guy from last weekend around so she asks the new guy she’s flirting with if he can act as if they’re together so the other guy gets the hint. She’s also doing all this all while her Mister is on stage and couldn’t care less but everyone knows that she’s married so she’s just looking desperate now. I’m tired of having to explain to people that “No, she really is a good person”. It’s not my job to reconstruct other peoples opinions of her. But as the night is dragging on, I’m getting more and more pissed because the drummer “blamed” last weekend on me?

By the time the bands set was over I was almost in a rage. You guys should know by now that it takes A LOT for me to get pissed but beyond that to be in a rage. I’d offered to drive the guitarist’s wife to her car because she’d had to park it far away but the moment she got out and I made sure her car started and she was safe I started yelling. I was yelling, then screaming, then just incoherent. “How dare you blame your infidelity on me. How dare you act as though I’m just some fucking whore now that YOU feel guilty about it you serial fucking cheater. How dare you claim that we’re such good friends and you treat me THAT way”. At one point my friend started talking about her Mister and I just fucking yelled, “Seriously, we’ve been talking about YOU for six months. Shut the fuck up and let me have five minutes”.

Just FYI, that’s NOT who I am. I am not someone who screams and yells and tells people to shut the fuck up. I am also NOT a stupid woman. But that’s who I was last night. You all also know that I am so blessed with the most amazing friends that would do anything for me if I was in need and asked and that I do that in return. I LOVE my friends and I don’t take calling or being called a friend lightly. So that’s why that pissed me off so much. I also realize that some of this anger is because I feel guilty. I know that if given the chance or the drummer just show up at my place I wouldn’t be able to say no because we have THAT much sexual chemistry but now I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him.

I liked our banter that one night back and forth. I think that he’s a brilliant musician. I like the chemistry between us both but that’s where it ends. I don’t know much about him except that we’re both Aquarius’s and we both read each other and know what the others going to do and say. Botton line is I always wanted a friendship from him and could have left all that sexual banter as just sexual tension that would have extinguished itself out one day but we don’t even have that chance any more. The difference between our mild flirtation being over and my friend and her Mister being over is that I won’t just go out and easily replace mine with just someone else. That’s not my style.

I’ll keep our/his secrets because that’s what I do but our short chapter is now closed. Too bad it only warranted a PG 13 rating but at least neither of us have to deal with the guilt any longer. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes strangers are just a season. Maybe we’ll meet in another life when we’re in different places than we are today.

I’m grateful for my quiet home tonight where I can reflect and move on. I’m grateful for my true friends that would NEVER let me down and know just how great of a friend I am. I am grateful for every experience I have because I know that I learn from everything. That’s what life is about, experiences and learning and enjoying while we’re all here.

xxx

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