Dates, selfishness and my current world…

There’s actually been a lot of stuff that’s happened over the last week but I’ll start with my today. I actually went on a date. Now, I kind of cheated since I asked that it be an afternoon date so there would be no question about the “after dinner hook-up” but it was really nice.

A few weeks ago I’d gone to my dad’s best friend’s son’s bar and while we were there having a drink his friend showed up. He’s very attractive and seemed really sweet. The day after we’d met he Facebooked me. I have never actually accepted his friend request but I did start chatting with him on messenger. He’d asked a few times if I’d like to go out but said he wasn’t sure because I didn’t seem that interested to talk to him on messenger and I replied that I hate social media and I hate texting. People always misconstrue conversations. Men always read women’s texts in their “bitchy women’s voice” and women always read men’s texts in “stupid caveman voice”. I’d told him I was interested to have a conversation in person.

We went and met at a nice wine bar that a friend of mine used to play acoustic sets at but I hadn’t been there for years. I had told him that I had plans this evening so I couldn’t be out too long and while that’s true, my plans were to come home and pamper myself on my Saturday night. We had a great conversation for over three hours. I actually really like him.

Even though I’d said we would both be completely casual he showed up in a nice shirt and jeans. Not my favorite outfit, you all know that the white button down shirt and black pants is my favorite, but he looked nice. His hair is  long, but not too long and he’s got just the perfect amount of facial hair… I do love facial hair on a man. I’ve always found jewelry on a man sexy too and he had on this really nice chain with something on it. I actually didn’t ask what it was. Maybe next time.

He’d actually made it there before me and when I got there gave me a really nice hug. He’d asked what I wanted to drink and ordered for me which I like. Then we just chatted. We actually chatted about all kinds of things. He’s actually a little younger than I am and I was older than he thought I was. Neither of us were bothered by our ages though.

There was just the right amount of eye contact and light grazes with the fingers and all that stuff. The good thing here is that I was actually totally ok with him touching me. Usually, especially if I don’t know a man well, I’m thinking, “Get your fucking hands off me”. I’m very peculiar about human touching. He, also, genuinely, made me laugh a few times. That scores points.

A few other good points:

  • I am a human bullshit meter and it actually didn’t go off on him except for once. He had actually lied about something very personal but instead of calling him out on it I let it go. Everything else he said was actually pretty honest.
  • Openly admitted how long it had been since he’d had sex and wow. I am so absolutely in like with this guy even more for being THAT honest and telling me why also. Most guy brag about all their women but he wasn’t like that.
  • He gave genuine compliments knowing that they wouldn’t lead to anything afterwards. He already knew there was going to be no intimacy.
  • He was also very into what I was saying. He’d noticed that after I’d start telling a story that I’d just stop and summarize it to get it over with and he’d asked me not to do that. I told him I was just used to the people around me monopolizing the evening with their stories and just never really cared to finish mine.
  • One thing you might not know about me is that I’m a weird bit of a germaphobe. I can’t stand to have people drink something that I’m drinking (from my glass) and if they do I’d just give it to them. I’m very particular about shit like that. He’d asked if I wanted to try his wine and I actually did. I was comfortable there too.
  • He likes music but not nearly close to how much I LOVE music but that’s ok.

So those were the points that stood out to me. It’s not like I have a mental checklist or anything, but I just remember all those things. I was honest with him about what I’m looking for in a relationship and while he appreciated it I think he wants something deeper and quicker than me. Well, that’s not fair to say, I’ve said before that I actually want to be in a relationship but it usually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

While I’d give him 7 out of 10 and our date a 6.5 I’m a tough grader and there’s a massive curve. He does fit several of the things that I’ve put in my intention setting jar for a guy that I want a relationship with. He’s already said that he’d want to see me a couple times a week which is nice. He wants to take me, next weekend, to this really fancy restaurant that I’ve been dying to go since it opened but I did explain to him I’m not looking for someone to buy me extravagant things, dinners or trips anywhere. I’m a firm believer in paying my own way and just because he’s the man it doesn’t mean he always has to pay but he’s actually a real gentleman. I’ve not come across one of those for far too long.

One thing that I see as a difference is that he is very Catholic. I’m used to that, most of my ex’s are Catholic but he’s actually a practicing one. I’ve explained before that it’s not that I’m not a believer but I’m more spiritual and I have such a different belief system than someone like him.

It was just a far different conversation than I had last weekend with my friend at the bar who told me that I was a natural born witch and I don’t mean in the bitch sense. But that brings me to the fact that my friend from last weekend, well, I was actually wrong and yes he was hitting on me. Even though he is in love with his girlfriend I think he can see the writing on the wall and was “making future arrangements” with me in case it didn’t work out. That brought out a whole new conversation that he and I had which was that I was not and never going to be a placeholder for his next relationship or anyone else’s.

I’m not a placeholder. I’m not a layover and I’m not a crash test dummy to come back to when shit doesn’t work out with someone else. I know that I’ve put myself in these situations because I’ve been so against exclusive relationships in the past but no more. I’ve past up way too many men who wanted me to be their final destination except not in a creepy bad horror movie way but a romantic way and I’m just sick of being a stand in. I’m not the mistress… I’m not the whore… I’m not anything but a priority. Period.

Yes, those passive aggressive statements are being made out loud for the first time since I got some really tacky news from a friend on Facebook about my current, no longer, FWB. While I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt what our mutual friend said was just too much for me to sweep under the rug. It’s possible that he might realize one day that what he’s done to me is shitty but if he never figures it out then he is just as bad as our mutual friend said, AND I still stuck up for him all over again and just waited until now, on here to say anything to anyone. I just fucking hate being lied to, manipulated and treated like shit by selfish people.

That brings me to my “selfish part” of this post. In the last few weeks everyone’s selfishness has just been amplified. I don’t know if this is why I’m so far the opposite or what but I just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably part of the reason that I found this guy today so nice because he’s so different than the people around me lately. I just don’t really remember the last time that I was treated as equally as kind as I’ve treated someone else.

I’m tired of going out of my way, going where they want to go, driving to them. I’m tired of not being able to get a sentence out before I’m interrupted. I’m tired of my evening being ruined by their selfishness. I’m tired of not getting my own happy because I’m too busy making sure they get their happy…. Done. Even when I say I’m going to be more selfish I can’t make it work because I interact with the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I can’t remember before this afternoon when the last time someone asked me “How are you?” and not only wanted me to answer but actually wanted the truth.

Apparently the kinder I become the more I attract the assholes that don’t deserve my kindness yet it’s happening all day, everyday. This is why I go MIA for days at a time. I need to reboot from the people around me. They always come back wondering where I’ve gone, why am I not around, they miss me. No, they don’t miss ME. They miss what I can do for them or how I treat them. Well, fuck that. It actually takes someone who’s pretty great to see what I’ve been missing. There’s my lesson in life I guess.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again, new guy, because here’s the fuck up thing about me… I’ve never healed from my childhood trauma so in the back of my mind all I can think is, “I’m not good enough for this guy”. See my fucked up logic? But I know that I’m pretty fucking awesome and I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated well, respected and appreciated. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess even though I’m called a princess a lot but I deserve a whole lot better than what I allow myself.

The last thing that this new guy did, which is huge in my book, he wants me to hang out with him and a friend of his that’s coming to town in a couple weeks. If a guy wants you to meet his best friend, it’s kind of a big deal. I think that’s a bit too fast since we’ve known each other less than a month BUT it’s a big deal and I get that. Hell, there’s been guys that have asked me to marry them and I never introduced them to my best friend, mostly because I knew she’d think they weren’t good enough for me which is why she’s my best friend and why I miss the hell out of her.

The only guy that my best friend actually met was THE friend but that wasn’t even because of me. My brother threw me a surprise birthday party a couple years ago and he’d invited both of them to the party but that’s a whole other story.

So the last thing I’ll say tonight is that as much as I like hearing someone’s history and their backstories I also have a weird need to hear the really crazy fucked up shit they’ve done. That’s people’s truths. I mean, what weird shit do they do when no one is looking? For instance, I could stare at my pores in a magnifying mirror for hours while I pluck my eyebrows to perfection. I walk in place while I brush my teeth to get in extra steps. I have literally lied on my couch and stared at the ceiling and listened to music for hours while my phone is on airplane mode. These are quirks. For some reason I’m obsessed with knowing people’s weird quirks.

… and on that note I’m done for now. It was a good day, a strange week and slightly upsetting month already but then again, September has never been a good month for me. I hope you’re weekend is amazing. Nite xXx

Deserve-first-to-stay-in-my-lifetumblr_mwyiod9tgP1rjvyyzo1_400

Sexiness, Insecurities and Dreams…

My GBF and I spent last night texting back and forth about what we think is sexy about guys. His response was “Eyes, Hair, Veins, Personality and Sense of Humor”. I agreed with for the most part except “veins”. Really? But to each person sexy is much different.

So, I’m completely obsessed with Big Brother and it’s my ex’s (coworkers) fault. He got me into it years ago and I was hooked because it’s, to me, about watching humans interact and their game play and their mannerisms. This season there was this really sexy guy on the show until he started to be an asshole and I just wanted him booted off then. He was no longer eye candy because his attitude made him look disgusting to me.

When it comes to what’s actually sexy to me though my first answer was eyes. But obviously not just having them works for me. They have to look into my soul. That’s hard to find. Some guys look creepy when they’re trying to stare at you. That’s not what I want. After that, physically would be arms. I love a good arm. One that’s strong and I can picture caressing my face, pinning me down or wrapping around me oh and also slapping my ass. Hair, don’t really care about when it’s on their head or not. I’m not a fan of a hairy chest at all. I like smooth.

When it comes to their personality they have to have substance. This means they don’t talk about cars, money or chicks ALL THE TIME cause that’s a turnoff. Talk about life and dreams and cool shit. Challenge my way of thinking. Dig into your soul and tell me something beautiful. They have to make me laugh and I’m not easily humored. However, if they do make me laugh they’ll get a genuine laugh not a fake one.

Aside from those things I look for weird things. Maybe not weird but different. I think almost any man is at his sexiest wearing a white button down shirt, black pants and barefoot. No clue why that’s the sexiest but I’ve always loved that look. I think it’s sexy when a guy grazes the back of his fingers on my lips. The forehead on forehead thing will get me every time too. A man taking control but still in a sweet way. When a guy notices something that I would have bet money on that they wouldn’t or when he says something that I’ve said a while back I’m always happily surprised. When a guy sings even if he sounds terrible and also introduces me to new music…. Love that!

But with all that above said there’s still got to be something else. I’ve seen people that I thought were sexy and the littles thing changes my opinion. For instance, I used to think Matthew McConaughey was so sexy until I met him and he was just drunk and handsy and kinda gross. Never looked the same after that. That was pre-marriage and kids though.

I guess it just boils down to how they make me feel. I don’t know any human that feels sexy all the time. I mean, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. When I actually think I’m being sexy is when I usually fall down or spill something. There’s days I don’t think my hair, makeup, skin, body look great but on those days it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If a guy can make me feel sexy or wanted or desired then that’s reflected and then in return I will make them feel desired and sexy.

These are all the reasons I love my dreams because for some reason they’re either very spiritual and help me workout some sort of issue I’m having OR they are super vivid and sexual. I have the craziest dreams that leave me hot and bothered for hours after I’ve woken up. A lot of times they’ll continue for days or weeks. As soon as my head hits the pillow and I start to dream it just continues from the night before. It’s been pretty cool. On a good night I can control them. I learned this technique about how to access your dreams and since then they’re just like an awesome mini-series. Weird, I know.

Right now, I’m “working” and on a Rihanna kick and listening to her while sparsely dancing around while doing chores. It’s a strange day that started out with an early morning workout and drive around town. Then I just felt like coming home and writing for a minute. On that drive around town I’d heard one of the songs on my “sexy mix”. I have a favorites, workout and sexy playlist and they’re constantly being added to. But I’ll leave you with this song today and might write later if the mood hits me. Hope you’re having a great day.

Full Moon, where I’m at and answering questions…

If you’ve been here before then you know that I usually set my intentions for the full moon. Which I am going to do tonight but also have gotten some questions from you all. Anonymity certainly allows a lot of you to say or ask whatever you want. I kind of like it.

I usually don’t answer questions via email separately but I figured they’d racked up for a while and just felt like it. So first I’ll go into those.

  1. Do you still talk to THE Friend? Yes but not much. We have hung out a few times this year but again, not much.
  2. Does THE friend know how you feel about the drummer? Well, I’m not sure how I feel about the drummer so I have no idea.
  3. How’s you Father doing? He’s back at home and being taken care of by a part-time nurse.
  4. Do you have kids and if not why? I do not. I wasn’t sure I wanted kids when I was young. Don’t take that wrong I LOVE kids but I didn’t think I’d be a good parent. It wasn’t until my niece was born that I fell in love with kids and started to realize that I actually wanted one. By then the couple of men that I would have had kids with I’d “removed” from my life and now I just figure it’s too late. My ex and I had talked about having a kid together but soon after we both started seeing people.
  5. Why didn’t you end up doing something in music? I could have. I had the contacts and the ambition but fell into something else. I still might one day. My mentor wants me to come see him in the north east and maybe start something up there. You never know where the tides draw you. There’s not much holding me here.
  6. Why do you set intentions if it doesn’t seem to work unless you’ve found the man of your dreams? First, ouch. Second I don’t really know. With each man that I’ve met I take the best things about him and put those into the intentions. So I do conjure some sort of something from it plus it reminds me what I like or love about the men in my life.
  7. Who are you? Ha. I am someone who’s a contradiction. I am leather and lace and dorky and sexy and loud and quiet. I could be the woman standing next to you at the dry cleaners or I could be that woman over there in the corner of a sex shop looking for new outfits for a new man. The truth here is I am just me. I am a smart, sexy, beautiful, carefree, witty and sensitive woman who is just looking for love and someone to share my life with. That’s all.
  8. Do you do anything in writing, you write well? Thank you and no. The only writing aside from a few legal documents that I do is on here. Oh and I write really good relationship texts to people but never follow my own advice.
  9. Where else would you live if not where you do? Not sure, I tried Austin and that didn’t work. I would probably not go back to England. I liked Hawaii. Maybe Colorado… I honestly have no idea.
  10. It seems like for the connection you have with the drummer you should give him another chance. You gave way too many to THE Friend: Well, first, I like your honesty. I haven’t “given up” on the drummer. He’s given up on us or what we shared. The last time he said it wasn’t over but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s not made any attempt to see me since. Understand that I really like the drummer but I understand that he is nowhere near where I am in life. What I mean by that is I’m looking for love. I WANT to be in a relationship. In the beginning when he and I started spending time together I explained to him that all I wanted to do was be with one man that I enjoyed his company and that he could do anything he wanted to on his end. This was/is the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just getting out of a relationship. I thought that’s what we were doing. I thought that we were having fun. I thought that this was working. The part I have a problem with is that from the start I knew he wasn’t ready to be in a love relationship but he said these things that I wanted to hear but I was always fearful that he only said those to keep me by his side and didn’t really mean them. I asked him not to say things he didn’t mean and then he said them all again. In fact, the last night we were together he said a lot more really great things to me and then he disappears. This only proves that I was right to keep my heart closed. As I stated before, if we spent more time together and we kept doing what we were doing them I would have probably fallen for him. I never “gave up” on him though. He discarded me. While he has never been my only option he was always my first choice. Maybe that was my fault.
  11. What’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done? This might just be a long one. An amazing woman that I still consider my BFF and I are strayed. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve seen each other. I love her unconditionally and she has been my best friend for decades. However, because of situations and me being depressed at the time I just shut her out. I shut down and out one of my very best friends ever. I hate that it happened and I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and texting with her stupid things. I miss our shopping sprees to Target where we’d had an air band. She played the air guitar and I played the air drums. I miss the food fights we’d had. I miss each of us introducing each of us to new music all the time. I miss that she’d come for my birthday weekend and we’d just do the weirdest shit ever. I miss going out to a bar or restaurant and having really weird guys hit on us and buy us drinks. I miss her and it’s stubbornness or pride or some other stupid thing that’s kept me from saying what I need to say to her. I remembered the reasons as to why it happened and now I just think they’re stupid and not worth it. We’ve lost two years of each others lives and it hurts. She has known more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to get that back. I want to get back to where we were or at least close to where we were. However, with all that said. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that if she and I were in a good place back when the hurricane happened she might have been a reason for me to stay in Austin but instead I came back to Houston. I still believe that for some reason I came back to Houston for a purpose. Absolutely no idea what that purpose is yet. I hope that it comes to me soon before I get too antsy and pick up and leave.
  12. What do you look like or who? Hmmm. Well, when I was younger and an uncheery cheerleader I was told a lot that I looked like the Kelly chick from 90210. However, that was during the week. On the weekends I’d dress up in black leather and lace and had these insane cat eyes and go dance all night at a local club called Numbers. After that I looked a little like Pamela Anderson, intentionally with the hair, makeup and boobs. I then kind of went through a phase where I’d changed my hair color to pretty much every shade but always went back to blonde. Lately it’s been Christina Applegate, Kristen Bell and some other chick I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. But from being born with an entire head of black hair to being this blonde thing, I’ve changed through the years.
  13. Why did you say that a concert or bar was a bad date I thought you loved music? I misspoke. I think that a concert or a bar is a terrible first date. After that first date is out of the way then anything goes. I do LOVE going to see shows all day every day. One of my most favorite dates EVER was my boyfriend and I, and another couple and we got extremely dressed up, seriously fancy like formal dresses and tuxedos and we went to the symphony one night and dropped ecstasy. It was amazing and I would certainly do that again. But after that first date and you find out a bit more about each other then concert dates are great. THE friend and I went on several concert dates. We probably racked up 10-12 bands we’d not seen before and several festivals. Those were fun times.
  14. What’s something kind that you’ve done and no one knows about? Well, most people don’t know any of the kind things that I do because I don’t post about once I’ve done it. It’s not a kind act to search out acceptance for doing something kind. With that said, I will tell you a story that only a couple people know about. A few months ago a friend of mine who’s in the bar business had asked me about the drummers band and particularly the drummer. He’d said he heard some shitty things about him and wanted my opinion since the bar owner and I were friends and the drummer and I were friends. I had agreed to go have a drink with this guy even know I can’t stand him because he’s creepy and always hits on me weirdly. I basically went there and stood up for the drummer more than I’ve ever stood up for anyone. I told this bar owner that if he chose to listen to other people’s rumors then HE (the bar owner) was a piece of shit. I explained that whoever had started those rumors didn’t know what the hell they were talking about and he got an earful from me. By the end of the evening the bar owner was apologizing to me and told me he’d pass on the truth to another bar owner who was looking to book the drummer. Which last I saw, he’d gotten the gig. This is something that I will never tell him happened because I’ve told him in the past when people have talked shit about him and I’ve had his back before. This time I’d rather it just stay a secret that anyone even thought he was a piece of shit. See even if I never see the drummer again, if he never reaches out to me again I promised him once that I’d never lie to him and that I’d always have his back because I AM a good friend. That doesn’t change with the knowledge that he doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t do ventictive because someone hasn’t treated me fairly.
  15. Last question cause there’s a lot more. You guys can always feel free to ask me anything on the contact page: Since you’re looking for love have you ever tried dating sites? LOL… Yes, but never intentionally. Years ago I had a FWB’s who I called pretty eyes because he had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. We were lying in bed one night and it was close to when Tinder came out. He’d set it up on my phone and we played on it all night. Then I said, “I’ll get a hundred likes then I’ll delete it” but that happened in one night so then I said fine, a thousand likes. I did start talking to one guy on there from Eastern Europe and we were getting along nicely until he said something that was just really exceptionally stupid. I deleted the app after that but I did just get an email saying that my profile is about to be deleted which I already thought it was so, Oh well. Another that a friend set me up on was Match.com. I’d lost a bet which meant that I had to put myself out there on a dating app but since he knew I wouldn’t follow through with it he set it up and paid for it himself. The only thing I learned between any of the dating apps that I’ve been on is that 1. Guys LOVE to send dick-pics. Guys a piece of advice. Women don’t care what they look like. I promise and if she does care she might be a hooker. 2. I learned that men on dating apps are mostly looking for a one night stand or they want to wife you up and knock you up quickly. I’m just not down for dating like that. I like to meet people organically and to slowly slide in to a relationship not be thrown into one.

So there are my answers to some of your questions. I might do more another night but I feel like that’s enough for now. As far as setting my intentions for the Full moon. I just want to hear from the drummer. I want to see him or I want him to admit to me that he’s found someone else and that it’s over. I guess I need closure because purgatory sucks. I would never do this to him but the way he’s being is just proving to me that I was right about him lying about all his feelings and all those nice, beautiful things he’s said about me. I’m not going to lie here. This hurts more than I thought it would. It started off with a pain that brings out insecurities in me that “I’m not good enough” and then turns to anger for the friend that I always wanted him to be. It sucks and what’s worse is that I would be dying inside if I even ever thought that I was making someone feel like that. If he is intentionally making me feel like this then he is most certainly not the person I thought he was. Boys, don’t hold back a girl just in case something better doesn’t come along. It’s not kind, it’s not good karma and some girls are just not strong enough to handle why you’re being so cruel, which you are.

Why in a world of a hundred men that want me do I focus on the one man that could have me but doesn’t want me? Obviously still working through my own issues. I know it’s time though. We had a February-May romance I guess. I am grateful for that. It was more than I thought I’d ever get with him and in the end I hope that he finds something that makes him happy because he is not happy and I guess I never changed that even for one moment. I send him positive vibes, good thoughts and hope that he never, ever feels the way that I feel right now because of someone else. There was love there for the friend that he was. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to explain to him what he did.

letgowhatcannotchange

My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

Artistic naked women series - 2017

Revelations and challenges…

It is 8 o’clock in the morning and I have been up since 5 o’clock after going to bed at 2 o’clock. Not the first time you’ve heard that I don’t sleep much. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I had a full 8 hours of sleep that actually made me feel rested and better the next day. Lately, I know that it’s because my head really can’t be turned off.

I started my July challenge 2 days early and thought that with the exercise program that I’d be passed out, in a good way, when I finally did hit the bed. That hasn’t happened and that’s been after and hour long session at the gym and an hour long hike. Neither helped.

I decided to do my July challenge this month with my crazy friend. She needs to get healthy and I suggested this in hopes that it would motivate and help her. If you’ve been here before my challenge is that for an entire month I pick five things that I want to do everyday. For this challenge she and I decided that if either one of us doesn’t complete all things (hers is only 3 things) then we put a $1.00 in a jar. When we get enough to take a vacation or do something fun then we use that money.

My challenge is usually the same each month but it keeps me motivated so that’s a good thing. For the entire month of July these are my five things:

  1. Eat Keto everyday.
  2. Exercise everyday, mostly getting in my 10,000 steps a day.
  3. Clean every day.
  4. Read every day.
  5. NO MEN!

Something about my challenge is new but it came about because of recent happenings (or not-happenings) and a discussion with my crazy friend. You all know here how private I am. Well, I hadn’t told my crazy friend about what was going on with the drummer when it started except that he and I were still talking and friends. I left it at that. A couple months ago she came to one of his shows, not knowing anything and was sitting at the table with THE friend and me. At one point THE friend had gotten up and either hugged me or kissed my forehead or something and my crazy friend was watching the band on stage… or more-so the drummer and from whatever look he had on his face she immediately pointed her finger at me and said, “Oh My God! You two are fucking! Because (drummer) just got jealous!”

My reply was, “What? You are so wrong. He probably has something in his contact” But then a bit after that she saw a message come through on my phone from him that said something about coming over and something dirty. At this point I couldn’t hide it anymore nor could I hide the bite marks but just gave her basics, explained to her that it was nothing and that we were just friends.

One reason that I keep things to myself is that I HATE to be repeatedly asked about them. This is what happened. Every time I saw her after that it was, “So, what’s going on with you and (drummer)?” She learned quickly that I didn’t really go deep into detail. However, one night, we had partaken in some fun stuff and been drinking a bit and she was able to get more out of me. This was not that long ago when I’d finally said, “It’s over. I’m done.”

She’s asked me a lot of questions over the last week or so and had a lot of “advice” even though I wasn’t asking for it. One thing she said was that there had to be a reason why, after all that’s happened in a year and a half, how he and I were still friends and in each others lives. I ask myself that a lot as well especially if it ends like this. But two things baffled her about his and my situation. One, how do I keep my “feelings” out of it? The second was how am I not jealous of the other women?

Actually, great questions. I first told her that it would be hard to understand being that she is such an emotional person. I then explained that I never went in this with my heart open. In the beginning he was taken and now he’s treating women like a buffet which he should. There’s no room for emotions here. Then, I explained about the jealousy thing. So, one thing I learned in my spiritual journey is that all the negative things in life stem out of attachment. Once you stop or change your view of attachment you realize that a lot of negative emotions, including jealousy go away. At the end of the day, he is and has never been “mine” because humans are not property.

Then she asked a question which I really had to think about. She said, “If he came to you and said he WANTED to be in a relationship with you would you open your heart?”

The first thing I thought was, “How have I never really thought about that before?” My answer is probably because I’m not a typical girl that girl brains things. Yet another reason why he pissed me off so much with his reply last week. But after a while of thinking I said, “Here’s the thing. I like spending time with him. I enjoy his company. If he sat me down and said that he was serious and that he wanted me to open my heart to him then I would try it.” However, there’s not been much “trying” on his part through all this. I mean, I go see HIM at a show or I go to HIS home. It’s always on his schedule, doing what HE wants. There’s been no equality in anything we’ve done. Which leads me to my next thought.

I think that I require a different type of love from a man than he is able to give to me, or anyone. I’m not a woman that needs to be saved, smothered or treated like an idiot but I am a woman who has so many scars from my past that I need an unselfish, unconditional and non-judgmental type of love. I need a man that has the strength to pull me out of myself and wake my soul up. I don’t and have never gotten the impression that he even wants to know my soul let alone wake it up.

But, at the end of the day, it’s all a moot point because I’m not doing anything with any man for 31 days. I’m cleansing myself. I’m taking care of myself and I really am going to be selfish this month. This also happens to work out perfectly because one of those other men that I talked about last year, he’s coming home at the end of July. He left the country for work months ago and he’s finally coming back.

I never gave this guy a nickname on here but I did talk about him a little bit. We have amazing conversations for hours. He texts me all the time that he misses me. I don’t have the sexual chemistry that I have with the drummer with this guy BUT maybe that’s something that will come with time. I don’t know. I used to think that we’d just always be ONLY friends but that had great conversations but he’s been romancing a lot lately. It’s nice to have that, even if he is thousands of miles away right now. I miss the romance and the intimacy and the mutually great conversations. I guess I’ll have to give him a nickname at some point. I think I’d give up any and all FWB’s right now for a real, true romance. I’ve not had that in way too long. It’s something that I deserve and I know that.

So, my weekend was great. My challenge has started and I’m feeling amazing. I hope your weekend was amazing as well. What would YOU challenged yourself with this month? xXx

fdd3f4239b2c7ad6feb3d86aa29083b5

The full moon is coming soon and some gratefulness…

I had started to write a whole other blog tonight and then watched something motivational. I know you’ve all probably seen or read the same things but I thought that I would try this tonight.

First, my last couple weeks have been weird and emotional and I’m actually writing this as I’m crying tonight. It’s a cathartic cry but also because I’ve been sad, impatient and confused. I’ve been disappointed and unsurprised and taken advantage of. This is nothing new to me but my reaction will be.

Normal fashion would be to write about why I’m crying, sad and disappointed but instead I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for right now because I would like more of that, not more of the bad shit I’ve been dealing with.

This is not exactly my intention setting but it is just what puts a smile on my face lately, which seems harder to do these days but I’m trying to correct that. So, without any more rambling here are the things I’m grateful for today:

  • I’m grateful to have a job that I love and that allows me the ability to work the way I want and need to.
  • I’m grateful for my friends that jump at the chance to hangout on a moments notice.
  • I’m grateful for new friends and new experiences.
  • I’m grateful for that even though I don’t communicate with old friends anymore that they are happy.
  • I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends that I’ve know longer than I haven’t.
  • I’m grateful for love and understanding and honesty and truth.
  • I’m grateful for people who show me new music.
  • I’m grateful for people who sit and listen to music with me.
  • I’m grateful for nights that take my mind off things and keep me in the moment.
  • I’m grateful for the health that I have and the ability to make myself healthier everyday.
  • I’m grateful for the clothes that are too big for me now that I can donate to others who don’t have the money to buy new clothes.
  • I’m grateful for meditative hour long cardio sessions.
  • I’m grateful for emotional and mental growth.
  • I’m grateful that my boss has found someone to take his mind off his heartbreak.
  • I’m grateful that others see the beauty in me especially when it’s hard for me to see it in myself.
  • I’m grateful for kindness.
  • I’m grateful for happy surprises.
  • I’m grateful for getting to know the drummer and to be able to spend time with him.
  • I’m grateful for being able to watch the drummer do something that he loves and learning about him and, hopefully, becoming closer to him.
  • I’m grateful for all the honest, true friends that I have, will have and have had in my life.
  • I’m grateful for my strength and grace.
  • I’m grateful when people surprise me in a good way.
  • I’m grateful for peace and patience.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.
  • I’m grateful for love.

I just really can’t say that enough, especially me. I am forgiving myself for the love that I keep locked inside me and give myself the strength to let it out of me. I forgive myself for a lie that bothers me that I told to, not only someone that I promised I would never lie to but I lied to myself when I said it but I thought it was true.

I will put this out there because it has been bugging me internally and dramatically. I once told the drummer that I’d never lie to him. Yet, the other day, I said that I didn’t do love or want babies… I think at the time, in the moment I knew that part of that was partially true. I haven’t done love. That’s what my problem has been for so long now that I believed that but the moment I said that, or typed that, I realized that I’d just lied, to myself and to him. It’s been bothering me so bad because I made that promise but I’m not sure it even matters to him.

I felt like things were a little different the next time we saw each other after that. That his walls were a bit more up and I didn’t and don’t know how to fix that. Truth is that I’m am very much in “like” with him. We sit and listen to music and talk and I am so into that and into him when we’re doing that. Being around him, listening to him and watching him makes me happy right now.

I don’t know how I keep ending up in this place where I become more than friends but less than lovers with a man. There are about 8 men in the waiting room if things don’t work out to be more with him but I’d really like to see where things go with him because I feel like a better version of myself when we’re together. It’s weird. Whatever it is with me, it’s usually always weird though. I am grateful that he is in my life right now and that is everything tonight.

Nite xXx

9060718-thankful-quotes-1-1

Setting Intentions and other Full Moon activities…

First let me explain just how powerful the moon is today and tomorrow… “We are having a major energy shift. Energy is currently super-charged while approaching a full Moon Total Eclipse. Six planets are in retrograde, Mars is appearing as big as the moon and intense geomagnetic storms are happening.

Signs that the full moon is affecting you:

  • Can’t think straight
  • Ears are ringing
  • Head is buzzing.
  • You’re struggling to communicate with others and feel irritable, angry, argumentative, zoned out, zapped of energy and are struggling to sleep.

If you are feeling any of that you are perfectly fine, in fact, you’re better than fine because it means that you are attuned to the universe and are going through a huge personal shift that will feel brutal but will push you through an extreme and much-needed transformation.

All of us are about to experience the longest eclipse of this entire century and at the same time go through the fastest, most powerful and turbulent life changes. It is highly recommended to take time out as often as possible over these next few days and quickly remove yourself from any situations that are potentially becoming explosive.

We’ll all notice our past coming back to test us and the decisions we make over this period will either show how much we have grown or how we are still stuck repeating the same dramas and maintaining ties that we know we should have cut some time ago.

This is our opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’ve learned from heartbreaking mistakes and we’re no longer afraid to end what is harmful and open up to new beginnings that hold life-changing possibilities.

Make sure that you are drinking lots of water, taking salt baths, walking barefoot in nature and take time out alone but mostly deep breaths and count to ten regularly.” – That information was used from ‘iamthebeardgod’ on instagram.

What does that mean for you? Well, it could mean nothing if you’re closed minded. However, if you believe then it could mean everything. We are NOT destined to be stuck in the place we’re at. Things, people, situations and the universe are always conspiring to change our world whether it be internally or externally. We just have to be open to the possibilities of change.

I’ve noticed some crazy reactions this week due to this full moon and let me tell you these are not unrealistic manifestations. I’ve seen someone rage so badly that it went on to effect, no less than, five other people. I’ve felt sexual energy that could be cut with a knife and felt others restless emotions more than ever. I’m being to think that be empathic is not a great thing. There are things to do though that will help get you through all of this and the main thing is to take a deep breath and go be alone. Since I have had a house guest since Sunday, I’ve done that a lot.

Another thing to do during a full moon is to set intentions for the universe at to what you’re looking for, whether it be in a significant other, financially, or just a clearer understanding of others. Find something that you want to change, embrace or understand better. Write it down or speak it into the universe. I actually went and had my chakra’s balanced last night which is a whole thing I’ll talk about another time but I left my friends place feeling “found” again and back in place. My body tingled and my head was clearer. It was a beautiful thing.

Today, though, I set my intentions for the things I need, want or desire because, well, that’s what I do…

  • I want a sense of purpose and belonging. I want to make everyone’s life better who’s around me.
  • I want financial freedom and a sense of security.
  • I want to be at peace with my past, presently so my future is no longer effected.
  • I want to be healthy, happy and energized.
  • I want my relationships to be strong and meaningful and powerful.
  • I want music in my life even more than now. I want to enjoy it. Let it move me. Feel it every day.
  • I want those around me to be happy and content yet always striving for better. I also want those around me to be calm and peaceful.
  • I want a happy, peaceful and sexually charged home 🙂 for me. I want a fun and loving home as well.
  • I want to feel confident, sexy, beautiful and powerful.
  • Now the fun part: Seeing my intentions for a romantic relationship 🙂
    • I want a man who is fun and funny.
    • I want a man who is kind and sexy.
    • I want a man who is tattooed and loves music.
    • I want a man who is beautiful and spiritual.
    • I want a man who looks at me and I feel it everywhere.
    • I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels and what he wants.
    • I want a man who is strong and happy.
    • I want an exotic man. (Maybe with an accent).
    • I want a man that wants to be with me because I am all those things and more.
    • I want an honest man who is also trustworthy.
    • I want romance and good surprises and communicates.

And those are my intentions for this powerful full moon. What are yours?

xxx

tumblr_n9kmkrcbly1teyrpoo1_500Blue moon giftenor