Last weekend was a drag, but my week was great…

Sunday was my GBF’s birthday and we decided to go, on Friday to a drag club. I thought it would be fun since I was doing a Keto/training reboot starting April 1st so I was going to go out with a bang. There was a pretty large group of us and half were drinking. Mix that with drag queens and yes, it was a blast. We also did a much tamer brunch on Sunday with his closest friends which was also great.

I’ve said this before but my friends become my family and I’ll do anything for them. This is especially true for my GBF since he gets to see my neurotic, compulsive weirdness more than most. I am blessed to have him in my life for sure.

Now, prior to Friday night my previous weekend was so much crap. I’d had numerous plans each day basically starting at 5 on Friday. I should have known that because I’d had a full calendar that nothing would go as planned and it didn’t. Now, this might have something to do with the insane amount of 12:34’s that I’ve been seeing. One interpretation of this is to simplify your life. Since then I’ve been going through my stuff to give, throw or put away. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate after losing your shit. But the point here is that that weekend I didn’t go out at all.

Usually by Monday, if I’ve not done anything over the weekend I feel deprived. This was no exception. Monday comes and goes and I’m starting to get into a funk. My mood is sad, or depressed or something. Something wasn’t sitting right in my soul. That’s when I decided it’s time to get back on the workout/eating right wagon which started yesterday.

Tuesday, well that was a little different. During the day I was getting so much work done to distract myself from how crappy I’d been feeling and just after 5 the drummer asked if I’d come over to his new place. I don’t think we’d seen each other since the night we’d sat in my car and listened to music. Even though I’d already had plans I canceled on them and decided to go over.

We went to a local bar of his first and had a few drinks then went and hung out at his place. It was a really good time. I won’t go into much detail but I still have bite marks on me from a week ago and strangely that’s exactly how I like it. BUT we actually talked a lot and listened to music as well. It’s actually kind of spooky that we’ve had similar situations in our lives. Most prolifically is our fathers and probably how we both feel about them now.

I’ll probably only admit this right now to you guys here but I’m kinda liking this guy. I have lots of fun when we’re together whether it is learning his history or listening to music or getting bitten. I still can’t tell what he’s thinking though, about us. I think that I must have reached my quota at one point by telling him that I don’t want to hear bullshit, only real shit because, I think, he said that nothing he’s ever said to me is bullshit. Now, the reason I say “I think” is because I’m wasn’t completely sober and neither was he which is another reason why I’m not convinced that what he says is real.

I am trying to be more open to whatever comes my way and I’m not “seeing” any one else but also not trying to be a stupid girl at the end of all this either. I’m living in the moment, having fun with him when I can and trying not to girl brain any situations at all. I’m realizing his faults or flaws and trying to be above them. I think that’s growth right?

We’ve almost know each other for a year now and in a year I can usually see and be annoyed by someone’s faults or flaws BUT I am choosing to be better than that. One thing that used to bother the crap out of me is the whole, “respond to a message” thing. I guess, because I use my phone for work which I work 24/7 I respond as quick as possible but others do not, or negate the message completely. It annoyed me in the beginning but I can acknowledge that as a flaw and move on or I can let it drive me crazy. At the end of the day I know he’s got a much more hectic life than I do and I’m not going to let it drive me crazy. On the same note one of the absolute BEST things about him is that he is NEVER on his phone when I’m with him. That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even explain it. I think that actually makes up for other.

I’m still pretty secretive about him though, mostly because I have no idea what we are. But also, and you guys know this, I don’t like to shout about my “ships” to anyone. It’s no one else’s business. But there’s also part of me that’s never really wanted everyone else to ask, “So where is this going?” especially because I don’t even know. My family is coming down here in just over a month and I know I’ll get the obligatory “Are you seeing anyone?” and most likely my answer will be no besides, he’s still newly single. He needs to go out there and experience what’s out there. While I wouldn’t mind seeing him more at all I’m not freaking out that we are not. See, this is so much growth.

I think I’ve said this before but that mouth of his… Wow. I could kiss him for days. I could even just sit next to him and listen to him talk and listen to music for days. I will say that there’s a lot of things that I’ve asked for in my intention settings that he checks off on those lists. I have yet to have the, “Oh by the way, I’m seriously fucked up about love, intimacy and my history is a cluster-fuck of horribly bad events” talk. It’s not that we’re close to having that talk but I think he’s getting some idea already.

As much as I look like a tense cat when someone tries to be intimate with me (by that I mean the hand holding, kissing, caressing and things like that) I like when he holds my hand, hugs me and I even like the things he says even though I can’t read where it registers on the bullshit meter yet. I would like to have an overnight stay soon though. I mean, it’s been me going to his part of the world till 4/5 in the morning then driving home and sleeping for a few hours before getting up to work again. While I don’t mind that I’d still like to see each other without having to rush to get anywhere or do anything.

Funnily enough, we joked about taking a trip together which, since we’ve not even had an overnight stay with each other seems far beyond reality but I wouldn’t care if we went camping, to the beach or even to Austin for a day or two. All I’m saying here is that I like what I’ve seen so far. I hope he does too but if he doesn’t I’m ok with that too. I’m open to him and yet still guarded enough to not get hurt down the line. I’m being smarter this time. Still turns me on more than any man has EVER.

Now, when we’re not together is when I get to spend my time working on myself. That part I like as well because I never feel better than when I’m eating right, working out and meditating for me. Pretty soon, I’ll look even better and will either be turning the others away even more so than I am now or I’ll be accepting those requests for dates. Depends on what April has to offer. Right now though, I’m happy. That’s what matters. The drummer is in this chapter in my life and I’m liking this book right now. I am also grateful for him tonight and am grateful that he saw something in me a year ago that made him want to “friend request” me on Facebook and real life.

Nite xXx

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Thigh-High Boots and Fantasies…

I was on the phone with a good friend last night for almost two hours and we just fell into some phone sex. Well, I guess we didn’t “fall” into it as it started out with just some really nasty sexting. It got steamy and by the end of it one of us almost drove an hour to go see the other one. It ended up not happening but mostly because I realized it’s hard for me to stay in a “sexy mode” while coughing and sneezing since I’m still sick.

There’s one thing that I can do is tell you what I’m good at. I don’t think that’s being conceited. I just think that’s being confident. But funnily enough I’m not great at taking compliments. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, pretty, cute all the way to some weird ones like I have nice eyebrows or a sexy walk. With most of those things I roll my eyes but I can be sexy when I want to be. The way this works is that I usually give great eye contact, stare them down like there’s nothing more important in the world. Maybe I’ll play with my hair or perk up my breasts or something then just when they’re hooked I’ll likely trip on something and fall over or spill a drink or something. Hey, you can’t be sexy ALL the time.

When my friend and I were chatting he was throwing out some really great compliments and I was taking them all in and stroking his male ego back all while muting my phone when I needed to sneeze or blow my nose and was doing pretty well at it because it then turned into a “What’s your fantasy?”call. Here’s where watching soft core porn movies since I was twelve has probably hurt me because I have a LOT of fantasies. As a disclaimer before going into some of these, some HAVE been done but I’m not going to tell you which one’s. At least not today.

There’s the old tie me up fantasy but this can go both ways. I could tie him up and have my way with a guy or the other way around but there’d have to be trust here. This has been on my mind since long before Fifty Shades of Shit came out. I’m telling you, Zalman King knew what he was doing with his movies… 9 1/2 Weeks anyone?

Beach sex is and will always be on my list except it gets complicated if you’re not doing it right because… sand. That’s all I need to say about that. I like the idea of getting busy in the ocean while people are around but discrete enough that no one really knows what you’re doing.

One of my most thought about fantasies is having sex in a public place with the idea of “almost” getting caught. I’d have to know the guy pretty well or at least be really comfortable with him for this one because it’s about “almost” but NOT getting caught. Sometimes it’s in a nice bar bathroom and sometimes it’s in the parking lot. I have also thought about the VIP room of a strip club as well. There’s also something about having sex in an elevator that totally turns me on too.

It’s weird though, with all the experimentation that I have and want to do I always have to have basic bed sex first with a guy. I have to know him enough and be comfortable enough to start going crazy with the rest. I guess it’s not that weird but once I’m comfortable and trust a guy, there is no limit. Some of that comes from my friend who got me a peek into the BDSM world which just made me more curious. There’s just something about sex, for me, that’s got nothing to do with love. That’s probably a problem but one has never coincided with the other. I guess that’s another therapy bill.

I have lots of sex dreams though. Sometimes they’re actually featuring some guy that I know and sometimes it’s just a shaded face. I have woken up and needed to take a cold shower before. I’m not even sure that this is normal since I’ve always been like this. This is another reason why I attract guys because I’m very open about how I feel about it and what I like but very choosy to pick my partners. See, this is where I HAVE to feel a connection or a chemistry with someone. This to me is different than love and maybe that’s because I’ve never felt the two at the same time. Again, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m still on medicine and will probably read this a week from now, a month from now or a year from now and be like, “WTF was I even trying to say here?”.

Now that SOME of my fantasies are out in the open it brings me to my goal. See, before the hurricane disrupted my life I used to have this beautiful red dress that I kept in my closet as my “goal dress” and I was working at, not just fitting in to it, but to look good in it. I think I’d had that dress for 20 years and even though, at a lot of points, I was able to fit into it I didn’t have anywhere to go in it. Now, I have a new goal outfit and it needs a man to go with it because it’s one of my fantasies. My goal outfit starts with a black long sleeve top with a lace up neckline to where you can see a lot of cleavage. Then, I have on a short grey skirt that’s fits enough to not blow up in the wind but has enough give for later. Then I’m wearing these thigh high black suede boots. Once I have the outfit on and there’s the perfect guy, that’s when I get to institute one of my public sex fantasies.

Now, I already have the outfit and while I’d look decent in it, my goal is to look amazing in it. I figure I’d get there before I actually find a guy that will work for this anyway. This means, to meet my goal, I’ve been doing keto, working out and doing yoga like a crazy person. I’ve told you before that when I get back into working out I always go hardcore because it’s my happy place. Even if my picturesque night doesn’t work out exactly like I planned there’s always fun in getting to the destination. I’ll at least look good while I’m on my journey. 🙂

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight. Thigh-high black boots and sex. It’s a good night.

Nite xXx

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