I’ve gone and done something really silly. I’ll get to that in a bit but first my life is being weird again. So first I’ll tell you about the good things. My Christmas was great. My New Years was great and even tonight, I’ve just finished having drinks with an old friend. I’ve spoken about him before. He’s like a brother to me. We got to chat for several hours and catch up on life. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other and I always love our conversations. He’s the realistest most honest person I know. I adore him.
Typically we catch up by phone and it could end up being a 4 hour long phone conversation but it’s always good to see him in person. I really needed him tonight. We usually start by going through the list of people that we mutually know and chatting about them then we move into each other’s lives.
Since there’s not a lot of speakable things in my life, my side was short. “No, I’ve not gotten married, dating anyone or had any babies since we’ve seen each other last. How’s your life?” That’s how it started. We talked about love, marriage, work and some drama that happened at the beginning of the year. A few other items but it’s what I realized as we’re talking that made me remember something. I’ve gone and caught feelings for someone that I wasn’t supposed to. Who didn’t see that coming? But it’s a moot point since I just may never see him again.
Did I catch feelings for the guy in Chicago that’s been hitting me up to come down and spend the weekend together that I met through work? No. Did I catch feelings for THE friend? No. Did I catch feelings for the young gentleman that works at a place my friends and I frequent after he stalked me on Facebook? No.
I realized that I’ve caught feelings for the Drummer…
Okay, so I’m sure that most of you probably think that I had for a while except I didn’t know and here’s why. We’re not that. We barely see each other and because he’s never really done anything to warrant those feelings. I mean he’s never gone out of his way to make me catch feelings is my point. We had some sort of unspoken understanding that we weren’t supposed to be THAT to each other.
… and to be honest here it’s not until he’d said something about how he’s been feeling lately that I realized that I did. I mean, as I said, we barely see each other. We’ve never share an absolutely profound moment and he’s never tried to make me fall for him. Yet, in the blink of an eye I guess I did.
I guess it’s good that I’m literally just realizing this now because I don’t actually see any time in the near future that we’ll actually see each other again. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve known each other and only about a year since we started this FWB thing. Even that was never that long.
I’d been on dates since and I’ve tried to make connections but I’ve not “been” with anyone since him. I didn’t feel this way when we were having some great passion filled nights and I didn’t feel this way sitting proudly at his shows. I realized that I felt this way when he was the most honest he’s ever been with me a week or two ago when we were chatting. Again, not seen each other for months.
So what does one do when they’ve caught feelings for someone that has no intention of ever throwing them back? Well, you just push them all in a box inside your heart and you lock it up never to be opened again. It literally pains me that things aren’t going well for him and it pains me that we’ll probably not see each other again but I still believe that the universe works in ways we’ll never understand.
I also understand that the universe doesn’t care if you have a secret unspoken rule that neither of you get feelings for the other. The universe also doesn’t care if it’s the right time or the right circumstances. It just doesn’t.
Nothing ever seems real until I write it here and actually keep the post but I realize that I’m not the most emotionally healthy person in the world and I send him so much good energy but I just want to scream sometimes that I never get normal. I don’t mean that he’s not normal I mean that this shouldn’t have happened with someone who’s not and won’t give me back the same feelings.
I feel like my life is lived for other people’s entertainment sometimes. I guess it’s good that I realized this state of affairs AFTER we stopped spending time together. We never got a proper goodbye which hurts but I think it’s all about to hurt real soon when I figure out what’s just happened.
It was never about all that sexual chemistry, or his looks or the fact that he’s a musician. I fell for his soul. I do believe that’s a soul that I’ve known for many lives. I wonder how it went in our other lives. Fate is cruel… Love is cruel… xXx