Ah-Ha Moments and Other Things…

So it’s only been over the last few years that I’ve really had a lot of ah-ha moments. Those are the moments when you come to a realization that you hadn’t thought of something before, a thought that might help explains things. You might call them epiphanies.

Sometimes these come to you in a dream, a thought or an OH SHIT moment when you least expect it but when you most need it. I believe that I’ve had a lot more since the flood of 2017 and since I’ve become more in touch with my feelings, emotions and heart. I still don’t use my heart enough but I use it more than I used to.

In my last post I’d mentioned about this guy from Chicago that’s been hitting on me and wanting to come down and stay with me. In the beginning of our flirtation I was flattered until he’d mentioned that he was in a love-less and sex-less marriage. Then I got pissed. “Here we go again. Another married guy!”. I was so pissed especially since my closest friends even make the joke “You wouldn’t be interested in him cause he’s single”. Which the first time it was funny and now it’s just insulting.

I don’t seek them out. I don’t overly flirt with them. I’ve never had sex with any married man. I’ve explained before that even though I don’t believe in the institution of marriage I still respect it.

This takes me to last night’s epiphany. I was up late talking with a friend that I haven’t talked to for a while and we started talking about that. She’s always said that when we’d go out men would be drawn to me for some reason. Then she’d asked me what I thought it was about me. My first attempt at a reply was when I’d asked my cop friend why he was attracted to me (and yes he’s married). His reply was more about the way I act. I guess that I don’t care and I’m fun and flirty or something. But then she said something that moved me to my Ah-Ha moment…

My dear sweet friend said, “Maybe it’s because you know it’ll never go anywhere and you’re just so scared of commitment.” But when I thought about it a bit more it went to, “Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve any better.”.

I let that sink in for some time. There it is folks… Some deep seeded bullshit in my head makes me feel like I’m not good enough to actually have a real, deep, true, meaningful relationship with a man. Truth is I’ve touched on this before. When I was younger I’d always picked the guys I wouldn’t fall for because it was a challenge and they’d want me then I’d leave and it would become a game.

Part of this is why I’d always treated my friends better than boyfriends because I truly didn’t want them to go anywhere. That’s pretty fucked up. But then I look around at the guys that I’ve thought I’d caught feelings for or actually did catch feelings for and realized I still picked guys that I knew could never love me the way I needed to be loved.

It’s not a pattern that’s hidden to me. In fact, THE friend and I were talking about each others “love” issues a couple weeks ago and I’d admitted that I had feelings for someone that I shouldn’t and his reply was, “So, I guess that means that you’ll run and never see him again.” My answers was, “Yep, that’s correct.” I mean why stick around only to see happen what you already know is going to happen and that’s heartbreak.

It’s already bad enough that with the guy that I have “feelings” for, we’ve got a lot of mutual friends who like to gossip. One will tell me, “Oh he’s flirting with me all the time.”, The next will tell me he’s getting back with his wife. There’s another one that keeps telling me about all these older ladies he’s dating. With each one I have to find a way to basically tell them all to shut up because they’re gossiping and I hate gossip but without sounding jealous because whether you believe it or not it’s not jealousy, it’s annoyance.

But again, we go back to my younger years. I remember watching this movie once and the girl in it was a lot like me. She’d meet men all the time and wouldn’t be interested or run from them until she found “The one”. I don’t remember what movie this was but I remember the guy in the movie grabbing her face, gently, and saying “Who hurt you so bad.” Then he fought for her. Like really fought for her and didn’t let her run from him.

I guess that’s what I keep waiting for is a guy who’s strong enough to realize my patterns and realize that, yeah, I kind of need to be saved from myself. In this day and age, with all this instant gratification and ghosting and bullshit there’s not a man on this planet that I believe will waste his time with a woman who’s just that fucked up anymore. I guess I run from love because I just don’t believe in it.

So that’s what I’ve been dealing with internally over the last few weeks and it’s not getting any better. My ex was in the hospital after having a mild heart attack. This is the one that was suicidal months ago and the ONE thing that I reminded him was that if it scared the shit out of him, the idea of dying, then he never really wanted to kill himself but only to let go of the pain.

That’s pain I feel a lot so I can understand why he was in a dark place not that long ago but that’s always made me feel strange. He and I sucked at dating each other. I was way too young and he was way too immature. But after a long sabbatical from each other we came back as good friends. But what was strange to me is that of all his friends and family he’d called me that night. I feel strange but oddly honored in the fact that I think he knew that I’d speak him down off the ledge. He just needed to feel like someone cared for him greatly that night which I did and do. THAT’S the love that I have for my friends and can completely understand why my ex’s say I’m an amazing friend, I’d make a great wife but am a terrible girlfriend.

My reality tonight, at 3 am on a Wednesday morning is that I broke a promise to myself when I’d said I wasn’t going to fall for any guy that I had no chance with no matter what connection I thought I’d felt. I realize that if I was truly important to someone then it wouldn’t have been four months since we’d seen each other and the realization of that makes me understand why I have to leave, just be gone from it all.

I also realize that I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable and gave more of me than I ever should have for a guy that I’m not even a random thought once in a while. Why do I keep picking guys that are like that? Why does the universe put those types of guys in my path?

I literally have a knot in my throat thinking about this because it upsets me and I feel like a complete idiot. You know they say that Aqaruians are cold and detached in appearance except for the fact that we’re one of the most sensitive signs. We just choose to show our indifference and sarcasm to the world instead because that’s easier. Which I normally do because when I do show some sort of vulnerability I end up feeling like a piece of shit in the end.

As I always say, I wish him all the best in life. I hope he’s happy, successful and joyful every single day of his life and NEVER feels like I do right now but I will not be continuing in his life to help make that happen at the expense of my own happiness. I understand that there’s helping someone and then there’s being taken advantage of. I know I feel like a broken record which goes with my heart quite well lately.

It’s sad to know that the one you love will never hear your goodbye because they never cared to hear your hello. That only proves how right I am right now.

xXx

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The Silly Things We Do on Accident…

I’ve gone and done something really silly. I’ll get to that in a bit but first my life is being weird again. So first I’ll tell you about the good things. My Christmas was great. My New Years was great and even tonight, I’ve just finished having drinks with an old friend. I’ve spoken about him before. He’s like a brother to me. We got to chat for several hours and catch up on life. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other and I always love our conversations. He’s the realistest most honest person I know. I adore him.

Typically we catch up by phone and it could end up being a 4 hour long phone conversation but it’s always good to see him in person. I really needed him tonight. We usually start by going through the list of people that we mutually know and chatting about them then we move into each other’s lives.

Since there’s not a lot of speakable things in my life, my side was short. “No, I’ve not gotten married, dating anyone or had any babies since we’ve seen each other last. How’s your life?” That’s how it started. We talked about love, marriage, work and some drama that happened at the beginning of the year. A few other items but it’s what I realized as we’re talking that made me remember something. I’ve gone and caught feelings for someone that I wasn’t supposed to. Who didn’t see that coming? But it’s a moot point since I just may never see him again.

Did I catch feelings for the guy in Chicago that’s been hitting me up to come down and spend the weekend together that I met through work? No. Did I catch feelings for THE friend? No. Did I catch feelings for the young gentleman that works at a place my friends and I frequent after he stalked me on Facebook? No.

I realized that I’ve caught feelings for the Drummer…

Okay, so I’m sure that most of you probably think that I had for a while except I didn’t know and here’s why. We’re not that. We barely see each other and because he’s never really done anything to warrant those feelings. I mean he’s never gone out of his way to make me catch feelings is my point. We had some sort of unspoken understanding that we weren’t supposed to be THAT to each other.

… and to be honest here it’s not until he’d said something about how he’s been feeling lately that I realized that I did. I mean, as I said, we barely see each other. We’ve never share an absolutely profound moment and he’s never tried to make me fall for him. Yet, in the blink of an eye I guess I did.

I guess it’s good that I’m literally just realizing this now because I don’t actually see any time in the near future that we’ll actually see each other again. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve known each other and only about a year since we started this FWB thing. Even that was never that long.

I’d been on dates since and I’ve tried to make connections but I’ve not “been” with anyone since him. I didn’t feel this way when we were having some great passion filled nights and I didn’t feel this way sitting proudly at his shows. I realized that I felt this way when he was the most honest he’s ever been with me a week or two ago when we were chatting. Again, not seen each other for months.

So what does one do when they’ve caught feelings for someone that has no intention of ever throwing them back? Well, you just push them all in a box inside your heart and you lock it up never to be opened again. It literally pains me that things aren’t going well for him and it pains me that we’ll probably not see each other again but I still believe that the universe works in ways we’ll never understand.

I also understand that the universe doesn’t care if you have a secret unspoken rule that neither of you get feelings for the other. The universe also doesn’t care if it’s the right time or the right circumstances. It just doesn’t.

Nothing ever seems real until I write it here and actually keep the post but I realize that I’m not the most emotionally healthy person in the world and I send him so much good energy but I just want to scream sometimes that I never get normal. I don’t mean that he’s not normal I mean that this shouldn’t have happened with someone who’s not and won’t give me back the same feelings.

I feel like my life is lived for other people’s entertainment sometimes. I guess it’s good that I realized this state of affairs AFTER we stopped spending time together. We never got a proper goodbye which hurts but I think it’s all about to hurt real soon when I figure out what’s just happened.

It was never about all that sexual chemistry, or his looks or the fact that he’s a musician. I fell for his soul. I do believe that’s a soul that I’ve known for many lives. I wonder how it went in our other lives. Fate is cruel… Love is cruel… xXx

 

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