One of the many things that losing all my shit in a hurricane taught me was to release attachments. I had created attachments to people, places, things… Most of that became useless when I realized I didn’t have that anymore. I realized that I’d become attached to an item because it reminded me of a time and of a feeling. Once I lost those things though I realized that the feelings were still there if I’d just close my eyes and think about them enough.
A lot of those items that I lost had to do with times in my twenties or late teens. I was heavily into drugs and friends at this point in my life. Nothing else mattered to me. I’d kept a job since I was young that allowed for me to have this other life away from the normalcy of just being a young adult. This weekend I was transported back to that time.
Between my excursions out for the last few days I’d started watching HBO’s Euphoria. I knew that I’d wanted to watch it for a while but I also knew that it would bring back memories. It did. So many memories.
For a while, back then, there was three couples. Three girls and three boys and we’d all get together on the weekends and either go to someone’s home that was minus the adults, a hotel or my home because my parents didn’t really parent very well. We’d setup our lights, music and toys and we’d all take acid, ecstasy or a mixture of both and spend the next 12 hours completely engulfed in a world that we’d created, an escape, a delusion.
Sometimes we’d split off into pairs or threes, not sexually, but we’d all have different vibes within our one vibe. There’d be these moments of us lying on each other, playing with each others hair, giving back rubs or just kissing each other and it felt so comfortable. I am lucky enough to have never had a bad trip but mostly it was because we were careful with who we left around us when we were fucked up if we let anyone else around at all. We’d always do it in a safe surrounding and we were all just so close anyway.
One of the guys in the group, who was like a brother to me, was sitting in front of me one night on a candy flipping experience (both acid and molly) and I was giving him a back rub. I remember so vividly when he lied back, took my arms and wrapped them around him as he did the same with my legs and he kept saying that we were, in that moment, bound together as one. I still remember how that exact moment felt. To describe it, it felt warm, safe and like home. I think that we stayed like that for hours just being one together in the moment but nothing sexual but so magical. I miss those moments.
I bring up these moments probably more than I should because they were all self induced drug delusions but salted with the most amazing emotions. These were the days, the times when I left myself feel whatever I wanted to. I felt safe, comforted and connected to those five people more than you could imagine. I don’t think I’ve been as true to my emotions since then. I don’t think I’ve felt as safe, connected or comforted as much ever since.
Maybe that’s why I keep my heart locked in a box and wrapped so tightly. Maybe it’s all the trauma that happen before or after those moments. Maybe I’m just so fucking scared of being hurt. I don’t know if there’s even just one reason that I do but what I do know is that even if I did feel something for someone it would probably take the most amazing soul connection I’ve ever had to open that box up. I’m not even sure if I’d remember where the key for it even was.
A friend and I were talking about these moments tonight on a drive around the city. It’s hard to explain those feelings to someone who’s never taken drugs or has never had those types of experiences. But I tried. She’s someone that I’ve grown closer to over the last couple years but that still doesn’t really know me well enough to understand my fucked-up-ness. She’s always one who tries to get me to say yes to all these guys I meet and doesn’t understand my need to feel connected to them first.
Tonight she asked if I missed being in a relationship. I’d told her that I did but not for the reasons she thought. I don’t miss the sex. I don’t miss the dates. What I miss is the more intimate moments, in my mind, which boil down to taking care of someone else. I want to emotionally take care of someone else. There’s been few in my life that I’ve had these moments with because they seem so personal to me but I miss being able to take care of a man, whether it be a backrub, cooking dinner or having him lay on my lap and run my fingers through his hair.
I know that it doesn’t seem like it here sometimes but I have a serious nurturing nature about me. It doesn’t come out much at all but it’s there. I miss missing someone so much and having them miss me to the same extent. I miss going to bed next to someone with their arm wrapped around me and their breath on my neck. I literally miss all that so much more than the physicality of a sexual relationship. I would actually trade in the sex part for the rest most days and you all know how much I like the sex part so that’s saying a lot.
No, I’m not drunk right now. I’m completely sober and just missing things, people and times in my head and in my heart tonight. While it’s almost 3 a.m. and I had a good night tonight I’m in a strange familiar place in my head wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else.
What’s strange in my head is that I can’t remember the first boy I ever kissed but I remember the first time someone held my hand the right way. I remember a kiss in the rain one night. I remember the first time a boy kissed the exact spot on my neck that made me shiver. I remember less and less of the sex but more and more about the feelings when those tiny things happened. That time a boy grabbed my waist and I didn’t feel self-conscious. I remember the songs that played in the background of the first time I danced in the living room of a guy I liked in the dark. Those memories, those feelings are all so beautiful in my mind and so vivid.
I don’t want to relive those moments. I want to make new moments that I can remember. I truly appreciate that I’ve got those memories but just want knew ones that I can think about and relive those feelings later.
I don’t know. I’m having a nostalgic and kind of sad evening. As much as I miss those days, like I said, I don’t want those day back. I want new days and someone that I can take care of and make feel like the only man in the world. I like the idea of treating a man so well that it takes his cares and problems away if just for an hour or two. I just miss a lot of things tonight. It’s moments like this that I feel like staying in bed all day and sleeping so I can relive, in my mind, those good times. But I don’t. I get up, fix my coffee and put one my makeup for the day.
I think I’m just having a hard time thinking if I miss a time, a thing or a person more today and my fear is if it’s the person then that makes me even more sad. I don’t do well missing people in my life. Truth is, if I actually admit that I miss someone they better actually believe that I do because that doesn’t happen much and I won’t lie if I haven’t even noticed their absence.
It feels like I’m all over the place again so before I say something that will make me want to delete it tomorrow I’m going to try to get some sleep. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. Nite xXx