My July challenge ended perfectly and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Well, to be fair, I enjoyed the keto and exercise part of it. I did NOT enjoy the “no men” part of it which I would have gladly lost that bet BUT I was apparently the only person in this challenge.
My August challenge has started and I’m going to do keto, exercise and drink more water… That seems like the best challenge. I did have several really great workout days and days that surprised me. I’ve been at the gym so much more, doing HIIT and cardio boxing workouts and just moving more… Oh and there’s been so much more dancing.
Aside from the working out I’ve been going out a lot lately as well. Mostly it’s just dinner with friends or a drink or two with someone and then there was this one thing that I thought was a hang but he thought was a date. This didn’t end well for him when he went in to kiss me at the end of the night. This was a couple Friday’s ago and I think that I just stood there with a weird look on my face thinking, “Seriously, I just said I’m in limbo and not looking for anything”. That’s actually a few times in a couple months that’s happened because that’s my life.
So a lot of my life is spending time with friends who just happen to be men, a lot of men. I don’t want any of them especially the ones that I’ve known for years and years and I’ve been with them through breakups and divorces or whatever. We are just friends but you give a guy a bit too many rum and cokes and all of a sudden there looking at you like dinner when they’ve been intermittent fasting. How do you tell a guy “I’m just not that into YOU” nicely? Well, sometimes you just have to be direct and honest and then when that doesn’t work you just need to give them your best disgusted look and get in your car and drive away.
I’ve said this before, it’s not hard for a woman to find a man. Let’s be real. Any woman can walk into a bar at 1:45 am and pick one of the last few remaining men to leave with. That’s gross but it’s a fact, as I see it. That’s not and has never been what I want though. I am NOT a woman who’s starved for sex. I am a woman who’s starved for intimacy and connections.
I have female friends that just go out on dates with anyone that asks them. That’s weird to me. If I did that the only thing I’d be guaranteed is my dinner paid for every night but why do that to the guy. I’ll MAYBE have a drink with you and make sure you understand that there will be no sex in the champagne room tonight and yet they still want to make a move. I’m so over dating… It’s just monotonous and trite. Half the guys I understood upon meeting them once that there was no connection what-so-ever and the other half start talking and I realize that we are NO WHERE on the same level.
These are all the reasons above that I was having a difficult time with the drummer… I thought it was over and I was ready to move on but I wasn’t ready to lose that connection we had, that chemistry. I’d given myself a date. I said, “The moment it’s been two months I’m moving on. I’m finding a new FWBs”. Except I knew that it wouldn’t be that easy. However, I also knew I wouldn’t be “replacing” him either. I’d just be over it and moving on.
But then two months came and I had this crazy dream. He and I were camping in the forest. We were in a sweat lodge and our spirit animals were the same black leopards with these insanely piercing eyes. Those two leopards just lied in front of each other and stared at each other. It was as if they were both trying to figure each other out but enjoyed the toxicity of others in the air but found some sort of comfort in each other. My dreams are a bit fucked up I know. But then all I said was that I just needed to see him one more time. I told myself I just needed to know if that connection was still there, that chemistry.
You see, last year he and I didn’t see each other from August till February this year but when we finally did all that came back, those “feels”. There was a moment that first time we’d seen each other in seven months when we’d gone outside, just the two of us, and I almost fell in the mud but he’d instinctively put his hand out to hold mine so I wouldn’t fall. That moment is when I felt the attraction, the chemistry, the energy that ran between us. I can still feel what it felt like that night. It was kind of beautiful but intense.
Then the day after he sends me a message that he misses me. I thought it was sweet and vulnerable for him to have said. I liked that he did. We bantered a little after that but I just kept thinking that we would still never see each other again, or at least for a long time so I didn’t get my hopes up. Fast forward a couple more days and he wants to go get a drink.
At first I thought I should say no even though I wanted to see him but that would have been a game and I don’t play games with friends. Then I thought about why I was feeling hurt but I did it with logic and not emotions. I came to realize that there’s so many friends that I’ve known longer and know me much more than he does and I don’t get mad at not seeing them. I realized it was about the intimacy that I was missing that he was giving me and since I don’t just FWB’s anyone I wasn’t getting that part at all. I didn’t have any other plans so I accepted the invitation.
When we both arrived and went to the patio of this bar he likes to frequent we just started talking and the conversation flowed. I’m not sure we’ve ever had an uncomfortable silent moment. Even when we just sit there staring at each other not looking away it’s still not uncomfortable. He told me about the few things he’d been doing and we talked about life, dating and music. I decided not to ask him why the 2 month sabbatical mostly because it didn’t matter but also because I probably didn’t want to hear the answer.
There’s parts of the conversation that struck me though. There are so many things that we agree on but also so many ideas or thoughts that we both have that are similar, it’s spooky. I know that some of what he said is salted with bullshit because I think he’s still trying to play a game or because it’s just fun to see what you can get away with but most of the time we were just eye fucking each other. Which, in case you’re unclear, means that no matter how long we’re away from each other that fucking chemistry is still so strong.
I will say that this time I, not only, felt that sexual chemistry between us but it also appears I’ve become a sapiosexual which means I’m attracted to someone’s intelligence. I knew he was smart and I also knew that he was smarter than he tried to appear to be but there are very few men that I actually WANT to hear what they have to say. I know I sound like an asshole when I say that but most men’s thoughts, I just don’t care about or want to hear. These are the “F” parts of the “FWBs” that I was missing.
I got suckered into giving it another shot but I won’t be waiting for 2 months again. Either we do this every couple weeks or I really will find a new one and not because I’m that much of an asshole but I need that intimacy that a FWB’s relationship brings without the complications of actually dating. This is an organic relationship
So, short story long, I guess I haven’t moved on yet but am still looking to fall in love with someone somewhere at some point. That means that I enjoy our time together whenever that is, still keep my heart closed with him but my eyes open if love does come to me from someone.
Before you even ask, why not look for the love I seek in the drummer the answer is complicated but attempting some sort of simplification he and I have had this conversation. He knows I’m looking for love. He is not. That means that if he changes his mind or wants to change this relationship then he’s got to be the one to be honest and ask me to open my heart to him. Otherwise, it stays closed so I don’t get hurt. However, at the end of the day, love is a tricky bitch. You can’t control who you fall in love with. If that happens even though I know better than I only have myself to blame. For now, I am safe. He checks all the important boxes that need to be checked for me to have a great FWB’s relationship until something else comes along.
There was actually a lot more I was going to write about but it’s now 4:20 in the morning and I’m tired… Hope you’re having a great weekend. xXx.