My Friday Night at 4 am on Saturday…

I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.

We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.

We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.

This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.

The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.

After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.

It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.

I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.

It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.

He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.

I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.

I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”

On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.

No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.

Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx

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Short Quote About Music Life Quotes Musicians Quotesgram – Daily Quotes Of the Life

 

Mid-Week Summary and Whatever Else…

I went on a beach excursion last Saturday with my GBF, his sister and four of our friends. It was cloudy and almost gloomy and the sun was hidden most of the time. It still meant that I got one of the worst sunburns of my life. It’s actually almost all gone now thanks to some aloe shit I’d gotten in Hawaii years ago. My boss seems to think that I also got sun poisoning as well. Maybe that’s true since I’d been feeling like crap.

I was feeling a bit better by the time I woke this morning since I’ve been doing nothing all week except working. I made plans with my ex as well and hoping he’ll follow through since he’s been so sad lately. This is the one that called me freaking out a couple weeks ago. He’s still sad for so many reasons but mostly because of love. He and his “soul-mate” broke up last we talked. I feel so bad for him because he is so in love with her.

See, love, it’s the cause of so much happiness and so much sadness. Well, the attachment to people and to relationships is the cause of the sadness and that’s not love’s fault but you get my point. This is what I was talking about in my last post. I’ve got so many friends going through heartbreak right now and people wonder why I’m so allergic to love. Life is crazy enough without feeling like your heart is being ripped out.

So, this weekend is a nice three day weekend except for the first time in a very long time I actually don’t have crazy plans for Labor Day weekend. I would usually have all my days and nights covered except I don’t this time. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing. I will travel where the wind blows me. I will let fate decide my plans and if that means I stay home and organize my home then I’m ok with that too.

As far as my mood goes… Well that’s a bit harder to explain. I’m no where near I was when I wrote that last post but I’m not where I want to be either. Even though I’ve been feeling bad I’ve still been working out, eating better and trying to rest in between. I heard from three different guys this week that wanted to go out on a date and I turned them all down. Just not feeling it with any of them. That has nothing to do with my mood it’s what I always say about not feeling that “connected” to someone so I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

I feel like I need to get out tonight, somewhere. I need to go get a drink or just be outside of my own home. Maybe I’ll go for a nice drive listening to some music for hours. That’s what I usually do when I’m feeling disconnected. I need to feel connected again, to life or to someone. Lost, maybe that’s what I feel. Lost, disconnected, stagnant… all of the above.

My Shaman friend had reached out, not that long ago, to give me some advice about my dating life. She had some things to say about the men in my life and for the first time I told her, “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear any good news and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to do this anymore.” I think I shocked her but I was tired of her saying these really great things that are about to happen and then setting myself up for disappointment so I felt like it was just time I let things happen without any help from her. I know that most of what she’s said has or had actually come true but this last piece of information was a bit too much to handle, probably because I really really wanted it or want it to come true. That’s why I stopped her.

As far as everything else, it’s been mundane. You all know me. I don’t like mundane. I like to keep things exciting but am aware that most things are cyclical. You can’t get the exciting without the boring. You can’t get the fun without the work. You can’t get the love without the apathy. In my world, you also can’t get the music without a little bit of silence. That’s how I know I’ve been feeling bad when I don’t listen to music and I realized today that I hadn’t in a couple of days. That’s not ok with me. Hopefully today is a day that that gets fixed.

I really don’t have anything else to report except that I need some excitement in my life soon or I’m really going to move to another country. Not even sure which one yet but feeling stagnant isn’t my best version of life at all. Again, no ones responsibility but my own to fix this state I’m in.

I have been having these weird dreams lately though. I’ve been having these recurring dreams about living with someone, not married but living with a guy. It’s weird because they’re these super blissful dreams that I wake up from feeling a sense of relaxation and happiness. The man in my dreams has no face but these amazing arms. That’s all I can remember and when we’re lounging on the couch his arms make me feel really safe and secure.

That’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. Safety and security from a man. You know, the kind of man that walks on the side of traffic so you don’t. The kind of man that looks out for you when creepy men are trying to talk to you. The kind of man that just looks out for your best interests. Maybe that’s what my subconscious is looking for. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so lost these days. No man in my life makes me feel safe right now. That’s not to say that I feel unsafe but a man’s job is to look out for a woman no matter what their relationship is. Yep, maybe that’s what I’m missing or a man in general that I feel connected to. Again, who the fuck knows.

That’s my mid-week summary and my mood which is better than before but not where it needs to be yet. Hope you are all having a great week. xXx

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My Life’s Journey is Off Course…

Why is it that some of the best conversations delve around love? Is it because it’s powerful? Is it because it’s the only thing that matters? Or is it because it’s the only thing we all want? What happens if we don’t get it? Just so many questions and maybe why I’m in a mood today.

I have always had a shitty recognition of my life prior to about 13 or so. I just don’t remember much at all. Whether it be trauma or life choices or something else that blocks out most of my childhood I guess it doesn’t matter. I just don’t remember. However, I can remember the feelings for each man that I’ve loved, not been in love with, but loved. I can remember what we were doing when I thought I loved them and I can remember what we were doing when I realized that I didn’t love them any longer or that I never did. In my mind that means that I’ve never really been in love.

All this stems from yet another conversation that I had with a friend the other night. We’d gone out to dinner and the waiter and a guy at the bar had both hit on me and I’d blown both of them off. My friend asked me why I wasn’t really into either of them. The waiter was kind of nerdy cute but the guy at the bar was the type of guy that I used to date because I knew I wouldn’t ever fall for him. Attractive, nice suit and tie, business professional waiving around money. None of that interests me. It never really has and certainly not now.

What I told my friend was that, that night I wasn’t feeling very attractive or sexy. This is still my mood today. But above that these guys just look for conquests and I have no desire to be that. I’ve said numerous times here that I AM looking for love. I am looking for a lasting relationship. I’m worth way more than a one-night-stand or even a FWB’s. I know this. I also know that I really shouldn’t be messing around with the drummer any more because it’s really only going to lead to heart-break if we keep doing this.

See, I’m super cautious about love and aware of my situation. I know what could happen and how things are right now. I am under no delusion that this is more than what it is or that it will ever be more than what it is. Which is why it’s a good idea for me to probably distance myself from him. He’s not looking out for my best interests. He’s given me all the warnings. This is just what I need to do to save myself. I don’t have the love yet but as I stated the other night because we do have such a great time, great conversations and understand each other this is the moment that I run because I can already see the end of this chapter of my book and it doesn’t end well for me.

My friend seems to think that I’ve never “fallen in love” because I’m scared and without risks there is no reward. I’m sure he’s right. When I do start to feel anything I step back and go into witness protection. I understand that I can’t keep blaming things on my flaws but it is what it is. Of course, my friend has been married three times already so my assumption is that he falls in love too easily.

Couple all that above with the fact that I really am not feeling comfortable in my own skin today I am in such a mood. It’s not sad, angry or depressed. I just think I’m being seriously realistic and very aware of my own current situation. Maybe I play things too safe. Maybe I’m too logic or realistic but I also know what I need to do to protect myself. That is what it is.

I will probably go into hibernation for a little while and do another challenge in September. I know that this month has kind of slipped through the cracks as far as my challenge but there’s been something strange in the air. It’s like, the more men are attracted to me the more I feel “not good enough”. The more I go out the more I feel like I need to stay home. The more I want something the more I feel like I won’t get it. It’s like my energy flow is fucked up and I’m not sure why. I’ve put some good energy out there in the last few weeks but not really feeling it come back to me.

It appears my mind, body, soul and heart are all in different places and I am not whole. I laid in bed the other night and just watched horror movie after horror movie. I don’t get the chance to do that much since half the people I watch movies with can’t stand horror movies but for some reason they were comforting in my current state.

I’ve been in this mood before but it’s been a while. Again, I’m not really sure where this is coming from except the logical dissection of my life right now. I’m not happy. I know that and I don’t know what will get me back to that happy place I was at just a few months ago. It’s no one else’s responsibility than my own to get myself there.

I just felt the need to get something out today. I’m not even sure I’m making sense right now but maybe someone who reads my diatribes of “feelings” will email some great piece of advice or some song that will just help my mood. Until then I think I’m going MIA for a little while.

I hope you’re all doing well. xXx

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Making Change… The Wrong Way.

There’s a grocery store that I frequent that makes you insert a quarter in to a cart to use it but you get it back when you return the cart. Smart right? Except for those of us that never have quarters. Today I went to get the usual steak, eggs, yogurt, raspberries and coffee and there was already a cart there that someone didn’t get their quarter back. I used the cart but instead of getting the quarter back I decided to just leave it for the next person. Except, the guy next to me who returned his cart and got his quarter back looked at mine and got that quarter too.

There’s a reason I just delved into that boring segment of my life. That instance shows you someone character. He didn’t say, “Excuse me ma’am you left your quarter.” He basically just did that and lowered my impression of him without even knowing him for only the price of a quarter. Watch people long enough and without a word you can tell by their actions who they are.

This leads me to my Friday night. A few weeks ago my GBF had scheduled a beach day for a few of us. We were all going to take off work and just go “beach it” for the day but something came up and we ended up not going. Then another friend of mine asked if I wanted to drive with him to the beach for some errand. I said sure. That fell through. Then at the last minute my crazy friend decides to ask if I wanted to run an errand with her… at the beach. Well, guest what else was at the beach that I thought I wouldn’t be going to… Yep, the drummer had a gig. It has been too long since I’d seen him and thought I’d have to miss this show too but some weird mind fuckery made it possible for me to go and see my obsession for the evening.

My crazy friend and I hadn’t really spoken in a while which made it all that more weird. We went and did the errand and then arrived at the venue just after 10… Damn he looked good. He’d apparently given me this huge smile when he saw me. After we’d been there a few minutes we got a table at the front next to these two guys. My crazy friend started talking to the less attractive one (in my opinion) which in turn meant that the other friend had to come talk to me.

As far as I was concerned I never go to bars to pick up men. I wasn’t an asshole to him but my body language never showed any interest in this guy. It didn’t seem to matter. However, the first thing this guy asked me was, “Is he your husband”. I shit you not. I think I looked at him like he was crazy but HE also said, “I just thought he was because I saw him when you walked in”. Seriously though, he does have the cutest smile when he looks at me but no where in that smile does it say, “She’s my wife”.

Towards the middle of the evening the friend (pink hat guy) kept trying to fix my vape pen which stopped working the moment we got there. At one point he’d left and I thought he was just in the bathroom but had traveled to two different convenience stores to try to replace it. Just a little too much. When I’d gotten up at one point and this guy (pink hat guy) was almost following me the drummer went on a break and got right between us and asked me to grab his ass cause it was soaked with sweat. I think that’s the point where pink hat guy just sat in a chair and pouted.

Fast forward just a bit and here comes mint shirt guy. Now, this guy was interesting. First, he’d come over and offered to buy me a drink which I declined because it was a long drive home. I then introduced him to my crazy friend and said she likes to drink and asked if he’d purchase her one which he did. He then turned back to me and starts saying the dumbest shit. The guy was only 25 and I made him show me his license to prove it. He kept saying things about “cougers” and that he always wanted someone with “experience”. He was slightly entertaining but I was mainly just talking to him because then I didn’t have to look at pink hat guy who I actually felt bad for. At some point the drummer came over and said, “Come on, lets go outside”. Then mint shirt guy decided that I was “taken” as well.

So, just to count that’s two down and I really didn’t have to do anything. There was slutty dancing girl who felt me up like a table dancer at one point and blue shirt guy who was just drunk and fun and who came and danced with me but the night was fun. I was pleasantly surprised that when I finally went to bed at almost 6 in the morning that I had a really good time with the drummer, my crazy friend and even the weirdo’s who frequent that bar.

I’m afraid to tell him the stories from Friday night in case they freak him out because he doesn’t want to appear to be anything but single. But it kind of freaks me out too because I didn’t think our chemistry was THAT strong. Well, actually I did but didn’t truly believe it till now.

The one part that bothers me the most though is that I was technically the “single one” and I declined 2 numbers and a facebook add. My crazy friend just gave her number and facebook to whoever asked for it. Seriously? Yes, this is my married friend. We did have a long talk when we got to my place where we talked about the fact that she can’t have a husband, a boyfriend and several Misters… It’s just not right. If I can reject all the ones I did why can’t she?

We also talked a bit about the drummer because my crazy friend got to witness our chemistry first hand and so could, apparently, all the other guys. I’m not even mad about this. I don’t really know what about that evening that I liked so much but maybe it’s because I liked the idea of feeling like I was his, as far as these other guys saw. I liked that. I wasn’t a fan of the “husband” comment but still liked that pink hat guy knew I wasn’t “available”. But that night must have been close to the full moon because I didn’t particularly look great. It was hot and humid and my hair looked like a cat hairball. My clothes were just basic and drenched in sweat. I thought my lipstick was too dark and my eyes were too black. Somewhere I was getting hit on like crazy but I was only there for one thing and for one guy. He’s all that mattered to me.

These are the nights when I’m kicking myself because these are the nights I want to be with someone I’m actually dating. Those feelings, those conversations that always seem like there’s more to say but we don’t have time. Those smiles… OMG… Those smiles. There’s a few videos where I’ve caught him smiling at me and it’s just the cutest thing in the world. When he’s up on stage doing his thing I’m just so super happy and proud that we know each other. In those moments I am privileged,  blessed and happy.

These are the moments that, as much as I want to live in the moment, I have to realize that we are not THAT couple. We are not even a couple at all. I just know that one of his shows one of his other women will show up and it’ll just get weird after that. My crazy friend said that being around us together you can just feel that energy between us. That’s some strong fucking energy… Life really is unfair sometimes. It’s unfair because those are the moments that I actually want to be a couple. I left there that night with a sense of pride, excitement and just of having a great time without complications or drama. I really did love it and while the drummer and I didn’t get to do anything nasty, when we’re together doing nothing it still feels like we’ve done something if that makes sense. I will also say that my crazy friend said the look on his face when I said we were leaving that she could tell he was actually really sad to see me leave. But then again she’s also my “crazy” friend.

It’s probably good that I don’t see him more because as you can already tell I’d be in trouble. I’d be in so much trouble. This way, the time we spend apart actually decreases that “obsessive” part, almost reboots it so it doesn’t keep intensifying. It’s just so hard that we get along so well, have such a great time and there’s nothing he does or says that I don’t like or don’t get. There will soon be more parts of him than anyone else in my intention setting jar.

If I rub the bottle three times and he comes out of it then this universe has some really funny, mind fuckery going on. Life does have a sad sense of humor to put someone in front of me that is kind of perfect for me and yet someone who isn’t looking for the same things I am.

The bits in between seem so minimal compared to Friday and I really don’t want to like this so much but I’m trying to live in the moment. So I enjoy all while still being realistic because nothing lasts forever. I’m going to leave you with a song that he keeps playing or wanting me to play or it happens to come on in a bar we’re in. I could girl brain this to death except he’s already admitted that all the nice shit he says is bull so chances are that he’s played that song for other girls too but it’s a great song. Nite xXx

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My Week of Men…

I literally started writing this a week ago, then something happened and I write more and then something else would happen and I’d delete it. So now it’s 2 in the morning and I’ve been home for an hour, taken a shower and am just a bit more high than I thought I was 2 hours ago.

First, I’m finding my life a bit more stressful than normal and finding it so nice to get high lately, which I never used to do at least not very often. The thing with that is it puts me in these moods. They’re these composed, contemplative reflective moods. I guess that’s ok and it also depends on who I’m with when I do. Tonight on my drive home I was obsessed with this song by Hozier called Movement… OMG I’m in LOVE with this song. But it just started me thinking about my week and the men in it.

Monday or Tuesday, I’d gone out with this guy friend of mine, of course. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We actually used to be neighbors when we first moved to the states. His dad and mine where best friends. I’d gotten back in touch with him because he owns 2 bars and I was hitting him up to have the drummer play there. Didn’t work out but we did decide to hang out.

The last time I actually saw him in person was probably 20 years ago and he was a dancer at LaBare which if you don’t know what that is it’s a strip club for females. I never thought he was attractive because he had some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen which he’s since gotten fixed but still no attraction plus we’re more like siblings than anything else. Anyway, we hung out and talked about old times, family and bullshit. It was ok but I don’t see myself going out of my way to hang out much with him again. The next couple days were “boring” compared to the end of the week.

I’ve spoken about my ex Dan before. I think he’s an amazing guy but we would never work out in the long run even though we did consider having a baby together (years ago) but he and I have these weird periods of time when we don’t see each other then boom one of us pops up and we hang out and I remember just how awesome of a human he is. Which he is. A couple months ago, I’d written a post about him being really depressed and we went and had drinks and I felt so bad for him.

We hadn’t spoken since then except a birthday text to him a week or two ago. Thursday, I get a text message from him that just said, “I’m sorry”. It was then a whole lot of gibberish. He’d finally called me and he was a terrible mess. He kept saying, “I love you”. Y’all know how allergic to that phrase that I am but I just kept replying “Where are you? Where are you?” Then I felt like I just needed to keep him on the phone.

He was saying shit like, “I wrote you a letter. I love you. I’m sorry.” Then he said suicide and my heart fell into my stomach. He was so emotional and I just felt every single thing he was saying like blades to my heart for the pain he was feeling. I’d convinced him to go home. Then, I had no idea what to do so I called the police to do a welfare check on him. I then spent the evening going back and forth with the police. Finally he’d gotten home and was sitting in his driveway. We’d talked almost all night until I made him promise me that he would go inside his home, cuddle his dog and pass the fuck out.

I was scared to death and I just wanted to go and hold him but had no idea what I’d be walking into. I just kept talking to him until he literally fell asleep and since then all I can hear is his words, “I love you. I’m sorry”. He’s never hurt me, he’s never ever had a reason to apologize for anything to me and I understand why he was saying that but now thinking about it make me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry but hearing his pain was just unbearable.

Since then I’ve been sending him messages but avoided going over there. While all I really want to do is sit there and hold him I also know that in this vulnerable state he might get the wrong idea and then I would be the girl he calls to “save him” and the girl who turns him down when he’s at his weakest. Not a great place to be in. He and I will always have a deep emotional connection but absolutely NO chemistry. I will probably break down this week and go see him though because I feel like I have to. I’m not intentionally glossing over the severity of what happened that night because I’m an asshole and don’t care. I’m glossing over that because it’s making me feel terrible. These are the days of our lives…

Then Friday was a nice dinner out and some cathartic driving which by then I needed. Saturday, however was unexpectedly fun. THE friend asked to stay again but this time wanted to go have dinner and go to a burlesque show. He and I have gone to several in the past so I said sure. He paid for every single thing. Before I get a bunch of questions though, it wasn’t a date. I haven’t actually been on a “date” for far too long.

He’d actually gotten pretty drunk but he was a happy drunk and we were enjoying ourselves. There was this one moment when this random guy started talking to us though and then introduced his friend to us. Then his friend and I started flirting with each other until THE friend had some insight into already knowing that guy and then it just got creepy after that. The random dudes friend was cute and there was a vibe in the beginning but the more and more we spoke then less and less I was interested. We came home and he passed out on the couch and I went into my bedroom and watched scary movies till I fell asleep.

I was supposed to go have dinner with a client tonight but he rescheduled which ended up being in my favor. First, I’d been texting with the drummer a bit and flirting and he’d said something about getting together later which I just blew off assuming he’d be too tired or busy or just forget in general. Remember you can’t be disappointed if you don’t have any expectations.

Then I’d decided to go to my friends house and watch him make dinner. I told him I wasn’t eating so we just talked. He’s another of my “maybe’s” but I don’t get the full package with him. I mean he’s attractive but there’s just nothing there. Too easy maybe? I don’t know anymore. But while we were chatting the drummer texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I left one guy to go see another but hey, I wasn’t on a date and there’s no chemistry with the first guy.

I get to this “new bar” that the drummer wanted to meet at and we had a nice long conversation about chicks and stuff, nothing deep but I really think he’s still waiting for me to be jealous of all his chicks. Thing is, I’m not. Guys seem to think that jealousy is love, in my opinion, so when a chicks not jealous they don’t care but then they don’t want you to be too jealous cause that’s a turnoff. I just don’t see our relationship and any type of ownership. Therefore, there’s no room for jealousy. But, and here’s where guys really get it wrong with me, even in actually dating scenarios I don’t get jealous. Hell, I’ll even point out a hot chick to them. I just think that our relationship is one thing that means or meets certain needs and if they go looking for something else in someone why limit their range of motion. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told before by a previous ex that I should be more jealous, or jealous at all because a little bit is a turn on. Maybe I’ll work on that or I won’t.

So after a few drinks we went back to his place which I’d not been back to for a couple months. It felt nice, mostly because I know what we do when we’re there. There is something that I wish I could bottle is that chemistry. However, tonight was a weird night for us. I mean, the good stuff, the sexual stuff will probably always be there. If I could bottle THAT shit and give to a guy that loves me THAT would be perfect. I like that we still have that chemistry after over a year.

However, I realized a few things. One, when I do find a guy that I want to date I won’t be able to see the drummer ever again because I am not certain that I could keep my “never cheated” run going. It’s just there. He literally turns me on more than any man has ever. It’s almost unfair that this is between just friends.

Which brings me to my next thought. I like that we can just get to our business and then leave each other right after. We had the “F” part of our “FWB” before while having drinks then we went back to his place and had the “WB” part which I am always down for but on my drive home it almost felt a little too “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”. I said the other night on here that I am not a woman who is missing the sex in life but I am a woman who’s missing the intimacy. I think THAT’S what I needed tonight.

It did feel a little like, “Your money’s on the nightstand” evening at the end but I know that HE had fun. I did too. Trust me. Nothing feels better than making sure he’s sexually sated. Also, terrible choice in music this evening especially to get me in the mood. Y’all know that I like to feel the music and it’s not like I’m saying, “Make me believe you mean the things they’re singing about” but I need some sexy music. I can remember almost the times I’ve been intimate with anyone just because of the music. Again, not saying he’s got to play Sade or anything just some sweet, soulful sounds of sex in my ears is nice. Is it a necessity? No, because we have amazing sexual chemistry BUT it’s just a nice thought.

The things he’s said in the past about feelings or the really sweet things I knew when he said them that they were bullshit BUT now I have absolute confirmation so I basically will never believe anything sweet that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t “believe” it before but now he’s kind of ruined it by saying it’s all basically bullshit. This is where I think to myself that it’s even more of a good idea to keep my emotions out of it. So, with him, I have none. That sounds shitty but I just mean that this is a true “FWB’s” relationship and I’m right for keeping my eyes open elsewhere.

You already know that part of him of how he makes me feel goes into my “intention setting” to find me the perfect guy for me. That chemistry, some of those conversations. We get each other. We just do. There’s still a bit of game there because that’s fun too and I will be sad when it’s over but that’s what happens. It’s great until it’s not and then it becomes work. Tonight, was great and didn’t feel like work. That’s what we are, FWB’s that are fun.

I’ve said this to him before, I think his part of the game is that he WANTS me to fall in love with him. Then he’s won and he’d be done. Funny though because he’s going to be waiting a very long time. I’ve just never been a girl who falls like that. We do have a special type of relationship though and it’s not actually definable. Yes, we’re friends but we’re more than that and less than lovers. I reminded him tonight that we’re allowed to do anything that we want in private and it not bleed into public consumption because it’s no one else’s business but our own. He’s never my only option but I like to chose him first right now.

Two of the best things tonight, the way he grabbed my face and kissed me with this powerful passion. I love that passion we have between us. I love that it builds up and up until we both just almost explode. The next thing, him, black pants and no shirt, barefoot. Seriously, THAT’S probably the image that I’ll fall asleep with in my mind.

On that note, I’m going to sleep now with happy thoughts about what I just did a few hours earlier and I’ll be happy for tonight. Enjoy your week, all of you. xXx

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Sexiness, Insecurities and Dreams…

My GBF and I spent last night texting back and forth about what we think is sexy about guys. His response was “Eyes, Hair, Veins, Personality and Sense of Humor”. I agreed with for the most part except “veins”. Really? But to each person sexy is much different.

So, I’m completely obsessed with Big Brother and it’s my ex’s (coworkers) fault. He got me into it years ago and I was hooked because it’s, to me, about watching humans interact and their game play and their mannerisms. This season there was this really sexy guy on the show until he started to be an asshole and I just wanted him booted off then. He was no longer eye candy because his attitude made him look disgusting to me.

When it comes to what’s actually sexy to me though my first answer was eyes. But obviously not just having them works for me. They have to look into my soul. That’s hard to find. Some guys look creepy when they’re trying to stare at you. That’s not what I want. After that, physically would be arms. I love a good arm. One that’s strong and I can picture caressing my face, pinning me down or wrapping around me oh and also slapping my ass. Hair, don’t really care about when it’s on their head or not. I’m not a fan of a hairy chest at all. I like smooth.

When it comes to their personality they have to have substance. This means they don’t talk about cars, money or chicks ALL THE TIME cause that’s a turnoff. Talk about life and dreams and cool shit. Challenge my way of thinking. Dig into your soul and tell me something beautiful. They have to make me laugh and I’m not easily humored. However, if they do make me laugh they’ll get a genuine laugh not a fake one.

Aside from those things I look for weird things. Maybe not weird but different. I think almost any man is at his sexiest wearing a white button down shirt, black pants and barefoot. No clue why that’s the sexiest but I’ve always loved that look. I think it’s sexy when a guy grazes the back of his fingers on my lips. The forehead on forehead thing will get me every time too. A man taking control but still in a sweet way. When a guy notices something that I would have bet money on that they wouldn’t or when he says something that I’ve said a while back I’m always happily surprised. When a guy sings even if he sounds terrible and also introduces me to new music…. Love that!

But with all that above said there’s still got to be something else. I’ve seen people that I thought were sexy and the littles thing changes my opinion. For instance, I used to think Matthew McConaughey was so sexy until I met him and he was just drunk and handsy and kinda gross. Never looked the same after that. That was pre-marriage and kids though.

I guess it just boils down to how they make me feel. I don’t know any human that feels sexy all the time. I mean, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. When I actually think I’m being sexy is when I usually fall down or spill something. There’s days I don’t think my hair, makeup, skin, body look great but on those days it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If a guy can make me feel sexy or wanted or desired then that’s reflected and then in return I will make them feel desired and sexy.

These are all the reasons I love my dreams because for some reason they’re either very spiritual and help me workout some sort of issue I’m having OR they are super vivid and sexual. I have the craziest dreams that leave me hot and bothered for hours after I’ve woken up. A lot of times they’ll continue for days or weeks. As soon as my head hits the pillow and I start to dream it just continues from the night before. It’s been pretty cool. On a good night I can control them. I learned this technique about how to access your dreams and since then they’re just like an awesome mini-series. Weird, I know.

Right now, I’m “working” and on a Rihanna kick and listening to her while sparsely dancing around while doing chores. It’s a strange day that started out with an early morning workout and drive around town. Then I just felt like coming home and writing for a minute. On that drive around town I’d heard one of the songs on my “sexy mix”. I have a favorites, workout and sexy playlist and they’re constantly being added to. But I’ll leave you with this song today and might write later if the mood hits me. Hope you’re having a great day.

Weekend happenings and weirdness…

My weekend was busy, very busy but didn’t have to be. I always have a lot of “maybe” plans. You know the ones that someone asks you to do something and you say “maybe” but only because you probably won’t. Well, this weekend I did almost all those maybe plans.

THE friend has been staying here since Wednesday last week. He left yesterday but it was a strange vibe. He’s been renting his place out on AirBnB and staying at his girlfriends place. However, they broke up. They just had their 2 year anniversary and they just broken up. I feel terrible for him because she has been the catalyst that he’s needed to get his life back on track and it’s been beautiful to watch it happen. But that puts me in the place of having company when I really just feel like being alone.

Most nights I’d gone out with friends for dinner or drinks or over to someone’s home to hang out because I felt like, “If I don’t get to be myself in my own space then I don’t want to be there.” What “myself” means is, I didn’t get to walk around without pants or watch my own shows much or just be my goofy self. It’s not that I can’t do those things around him but I didn’t want to. So I kind of just stayed away as much as possible.

Another thing that was strange is that I’ve always told the drummer that in my version of FWBs I don’t see other people. I’m only with one at a time because that’s just what I like. He never really commented on that and I never really knew what he thought, if anything, about my version of FWBs until the other night. I’d mentioned to the drummer that THE friend was staying on my couch and he replied while rolling his eyes, “I better not find out that you’ve been having sex with him and I’m not the only one”.

At first, I blew past that comment because we went into talking about something else but the more I think about it I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I’ve never lied to the drummer about anything, except that one time that I told him I don’t want love but I was lying to myself actually. I am a faithful FWBs though. Even if there were ANY feelings left for THE friend I WOULD NEVER do that. This all might have been another reason why I stayed away from my home the entire time also, because I felt like I had to…

This is weird for me. I literally have no feelings for THE friend and I felt like the drummer was accusing me of lying and cheating in the same breath. I then took a step back and just brushed off the whole thing as more weirdness and left it at that. That was until tonight. Tonight I actually felt bad that the drummer would even question me. I have been loyal and faithful and the one time that THE friend made a derogatory comment about the drummer I ripped in to him. I wasn’t going to have ANYONE say anything bad about the drummer. Just not happening. But then I realize that he (the drummer) still doesn’t know me that well yet. Also, don’t misconstrue my words. I don’t think the drummer was jealous. I think, in part, it was said in jest.

When we’re together (the drummer) he talks most of the time, which I’m fine with but as far as he’s concerned he just feels that chemistry. He doesn’t know my backstory. He doesn’t know the things I’ve done for him and I don’t want him to know all those things. You can’t just know someone immediately. But I feel like he should at least know that I’m honest and trustworthy. I care about him and I only want good things for him. I see this weird sadness in his eyes. I always have. I don’t see that sadness when we’re eye fucking each other but when he’s talking about life I do.

I have always gotten the impression that he’s had a lot of disloyalty around him and hurt and because of that I literally just want to see him happy. That’s all. No matter where that happiness takes him. I want him to realize that I am a great friend and that I will always be there if needed but that takes time. It will take him time to realize that I’m not going to hurt him. The “WB” part of us might not always be there if I find someone that I fall in love with but the “F” part will always be there.

I’m rambling now but moving on, the moment that THE friend left I immediately took my pants off and just layed on my couch and let out a sigh of relief. I got to have my home back.

I’m over the “over-thinking” above but found it interesting because if I can go 2 months without jumping into someone else’s bed then I have no issues not being attracted to someone that’s just using my yoga mat as a temporary bed for a few days.

THE friend did something extremely nice though. He bought tickets for us to go see a show in a month of a band that I really like. It’s payback for all the concerts that I’ve taken us to which is a very nice gesture. It’s also something to look forward to.

So basically my weekend was busy. Another weekend of working out, going out and the prior weekend I was able to pick up another private client so things are looking good right now. My boss is out all week so even though things will be busy I won’t have to worry about him bugging the crap out of me which is nice.

Since last Thursday I’ve been running off the drummer and my make-out session in the parking lot of the bar we went to but that’s almost made things worse cause that’s all I can think about and every time I do I just want to devour him. Oh, that chemistry… Wow. But also, some of the things he says, it’s all I need to “take care” of myself. I haven’t needed porn in a long time thanks to him but I will need sex soon or I’m going to explode.

I also need him to bite me and leave a mark soon. I don’t know why I like him to do that so much but truth here, I’ve never wanted anyone else to do that. There’s a lot of things that I only want him to do or that I only do for him. It’s a very weird, weird, relationship. I’m not sure I understand it and I’m not sure that I even want to understand it because that’s what makes it fun. I like having this unexplainable, secret, erotic ship with him. It’s exciting. He’s exciting.

Want I want though, I want a long night of music, intimacy and sex that isn’t rushed. I want us to be able to take our time with no limitations and just be able to be real and naked and vulnerable with each other. I don’t want to have to worry that one of us has to work in the morning or that someone has to be somewhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I want a sleepover I just want to feel free and connected for an evening. That sounds like the perfect night.

Of course, now that I’ve said that I won’t hear from him for weeks again. Blah, it is what it is… and on that note I hope you are all having a great week. xXx

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