I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.
We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.
We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.
This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.
The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.
After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.
It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.
I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.
It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.
He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.
I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.
I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.
I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”
On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.
No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.
Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx