Weird Emotions and Full Moons… Again.

Had a great night tonight for a few reasons. First, I got to see live music which always makes me happy but also I got to talk to one of my favorite people for almost 3 hours. He’s my “brother from another mother” friend. I also hung out with THE friends too which was fun.

I have been feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin lately. I think it has to do with the full moon but who knows. I go out and it’s not enough. I stay in and just get too antsy. I’m driving myself crazy. I don’t know what this feeling is really accept for just an all too familiar feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend, my crazy sister friend and she didn’t understand. I don’t know what will calm this feeling anymore. It’s getting serious.

But one thing that always seems to help a bit is a nice drive listening to music or talking with a friend. Tonight, after the live music and after I dropped THE friend off, it was talking to my brother friend. He is and has been for so long someone that I can totally say, “I love him fully and unconditionally”. He’s smart and funny and literally always tells me the truth. Tonight was no exception.

I tend to tell him more about my life than anyone else I think. He knows the really shitty fucked up stuff that’s happened to me and he, now, knows some of the good things too. So he’s someone that I’ve told the entire story about the drummer too. This is the whole story from start to now and everything in between. No one else knows THAT much. I think I told him because I needed some advice and he’s the best at advice.

So let me tell you all here about why I need advice. The drummer is confusing, and I am confusing to him I guess. We started this “thing” of ours just over a year ago. In the beginning I knew there was this great connection but we didn’t have a future because he was taken. Move ahead almost nine months and he’s no long taken but yet somehow I never looked at him as available either. Then we start spending more time together and he’s saying these things like, “You’re the perfect girlfriend. I love you. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” So most of the things that girls want to hear right? Except I ignore all those things, not only do I ignore all those things but I even go so far as to tell him, “Don’t tell me that shit”.

Following me so far? Now that I told him stop saying it, he’s not just stopped saying those things but he’s got this giant wall up now where he’s not even being that nice. He’s not being mean but it’s hard to explain. It’s like he’s no longer seeing me like he did in the beginning but just as someone who he’s sexually active with when he feels like it. So it’s basically become a “with benefits” without the “friends” part.

In my twisted turn of events tonight I realize that I do need to hear that shit from the beginning. I need to hear SOME of it anyway. I don’t want to be in a FWBs relationship that absolutely has no chance EVER of going any further. Because, what’s the point. At the end of the day I am looking for love because I’m a human being. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Basically someone who accepts our fucked-up-ness and loves us anyway? I’m not saying that he IS THE one because I still don’t know him well enough and haven’t spent enough time with him but I am saying that given the right amount of time, I might develop feelings for him greater than a FWB relationship. We just haven’t had that much time together.

I read this article that said that it takes men a shorter amount of time to fall in love with someone than it takes a woman. Well, I think it takes me twice as long as a typical woman because I’m fucked up. Emotionally challenged, if you will. What I know is that I enjoy spending time with him. That makes me happy. I get a stupid smile on my face when I see a message come in from him. That makes me happy. When we’re doing nothing but sitting listening to music I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else. He makes me happy.

The problem in my fucked up head though is that I think when the universe finds out that I am happy for one minute that it finds a way to take that away. That’s the reason I don’t talk about him to people I know. To friends I know. I’ve said this before but the few moments of sweet, kind and real drummer that I’ve gotten to see is amazing. If THAT was who I was going to get most of the time, not even all the time, I would be willing to open my heart up. Because THAT guy, is someone I could fall for. THAT guy is someone that I am proud of and want to share THAT person with the people that I know.

THAT sweet, kind and real guy I’ve seen bits of is so fucking talented and smart and sarcastic and witty and beautiful. I love that he’s got ideas for the future and that he’s always thinking of what to do next. I’ve watched him when he’s sitting quietly and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I’ve heard his ideas and the way he talks about life and his kids and deep shit and THAT’S the guy that I could one day fall in love with BUT instead of saying any of that I get quiet. I get quiet and stupid.

Instead of saying anything to him about anything I get quiet. Sometimes it’s because all I want to do is listen to him and sometimes it’s because I’ll say too much or sometimes it’s because I don’t know which version of him will reply to what I have to say. I guess what I would say to him, if given the chance, is this…

“I think you’re amazing. I think that you’re beautiful. I think that you are one of the most talented people that I’ve ever met. I want to know you. I want to know all of you including the darkest parts, the brightest parts and the scariest parts. I have no judgement for you. I just want to get closer to see if this is more than just a sexual attraction. I came to you with my walls down, for the friend that I wanted you to be but with my heart closed because that’s the person that I am.

I will never hurt you. I will never tell your secrets. I will never do harm to you. I will always be loyal and kind and be proud of you. I will support you and help in any way that I can with any dream that you have. I’ve seen you vulnerable and I’ve seen you hurt and I just want to be able to tell you one day that I’ve seen through your broken bits and see the real you. I wish that you came out to play more.

I said to you once that I never expected something different out of this “ship” of ours and while that’s true. I do not have any expectations, I also don’t want to waste my time if there is no possibility of more in the future. I could fall for you. If I keep doing this I will probably fall for you at the right time. You have to give me a reason to open my heart to you as more than a friend instead of putting your walls back up.

I’m not asking for anything now from you. You’re not ready. I’m not ready but I’m asking that you SHOW me the love you said you already had for me. Words without actions are just bullshit. You’ve said before that you’re all about love but your actions are more about the hate that you reflect from others or from the damage you’ve sustained from others.

You don’t know my story. You don’t know the things about me that make me so closed off. You only know pieces of me which were salted in other stories. We didn’t meet by accident. This isn’t a mistake. We’re in each others lives to help not hurt, to protect, for loyalty and peace.

If none of this makes sense to you then tell me now. Let me protect myself BEFORE my heart gets involved. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m not looking for a husband or a father. I’m not looking to marry you or to live with you. I’m not looking for anything but a true friend and a lover with the possibility of more.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re a collector. Maybe you have a jar of hearts sitting next to your bed to capture all the hearts of the women loved you because of the people that didn’t. Maybe I’m just an idiot to consider this. Or maybe just maybe this could actually work out. Who knows when I’ll even see you again or which you you’ll be when I do. What I do know is that time is fleeting and I just don’t want to waste it.”

But instead of saying all of that, because guys don’t listen anyway, this is what I say:

“…”

Nite xXx

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My continuation from yesterday, on a rainy day…

I realized that I never even got to the weirdness or drama of my life yesterday. Maybe that’s why I don’t write during the day. They say the artist’s time is at night. Not that I’m saying I’m an artist but the creative type… you get it.

So a couple weeks ago I started talking to my friend again. The one who’s husband I work with. We hadn’t really spoken in a while because I was over the drama. I was over being sucked into whatever was going on with her. I don’t actually remember why we started talking again but when we did a huge secret came out of her mouth. She’d told me that she was having a relationship with someone that knows her husband and is actually one of her brother-in-laws best friends.

This news didn’t surprise me from her but it reminded me of one thing that I’ll never do and have never done. I’ve never slept with anyone who was a friend of an ex. I think that is just one of the tackiest things to ever do. I would never sleep with a friend of an ex or current boyfriend or FWB, flirt with or do anything inappropriate with. That’s just a line I wouldn’t cross. Men are territorial. I respect that. Which brings me to my next thought…

I’ve been told on several occasions that I make an amazing friend and I’d make an amazing wife but I’m a terrible girlfriend. I don’t disagree with this statement and never have. Most guys that I date know that my friends come first and always will. I do anything for my friends. Boyfriends just never seem to keep my attention and I’m terrible at communication. I’m quiet and don’t really ever feel comfortable with public displays of affection and because I’m so secretive about who I’m dating, having any sort of relationship with or having feelings for it’s weird for the guy.

I’ve spoken about him before but I think one of my favorite FWB’s was this guy who was dominant. Not so dominant that he was controlling or maybe he was but in a good way. He would kind of take over everything. He knew what I liked. He’d either buy me or tell me what to wear. He’d order my food or drink and he’d just grab my hand in public knowing that I’d feel uncomfortable but he knew I needed that whether I wanted it or not. In the bedroom he was passionate but also dominant which is perfect too. We’re not talking “Fifty Shades of Shit” here. I don’t know it’s just something about being this professional business woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone during the day and at night I just let him take control.

The thing about that guy above was that he wasn’t in any of my other circles. He’d never met my friends, family or work. I’d go to his work dinners and we’d enjoy these fantastically expensive trips and dinners out. He was classy and sophisticated. I remember sitting listening to classical music laying on the couch one night and looking at him thinking that this was perfect for me until I realized he was always just going to be that. I liked how he treated me but he was strictly classical. If I’d started playing some Lamb of God’s or something he would have lost his shit. So, the great parts of what that relationship was and the great parts about him go into the “intention setting” jar with the best parts of others to find my perfect man.

The reason I bring that guy up is that at one of his work dinners I remember a client of his hitting on me. I was respectful but also quickly respectfully explained that I wouldn’t cross that line. I never told him it happened because there was never a need to. But it just brings up that there are certain “rules” or expectations that should be followed out of nothing more than kindness I guess. Whether you’re with a boyfriend, casually dating or FWB’s there are still “rules”. These are all the reasons why I’ve never made it to the “wife” title and because I’m apparently an enigma. Guys are so used to women being like my friend above that when a girl comes along that’s not like that they almost don’t believe it or they keep testing to see when the “crazy” will come out.

When the boys keep testing the waters to see when the crazy will come out, it’s just annoying and then I lose interest. All I can think is, “Look if you don’t believe that I’m who I say I am then I don’t need to be around you.”. I don’t have a vindictive side, a jealous side or even a cruel side. When someone hurts me I try to understand why they would instead of instantly flying into some emotional craze. I don’t actually know if that’s a flaw or a bonus but when you understand why someone is the way they are it makes me less likely to just disappear. It’s an empath thing I guess. I don’t know.

But now we move on to something that’s fun and kind of ties into the things about the guy above that I liked. The drummer has those qualities. He’s very dominant and I like that. But the other night he actually requested the outfit of the fantasy that I told you all about a couple months ago. I’ve never discussed this with him and was instantly turned on. It didn’t happen for my own reasons but all I can hope is that the opportunity comes up again.

He’s a weird one… I mean HE’S not weird but the way we interact is weird. He’s another one that appears to keep waiting for my crazy to come out. Men just don’t get that I don’t have that bullshit crazy about me that most women do. I have my crazy it’s just in a weird hippy spiritual way. My analytical and logical sides have always won over than my emotional side has. The emotional crazed bitch side of things would probably make it easy for most girls to get jealous or pissed off about all the women he’s with. But my logical side says, “This dudes been in a relationship for a long time. He NEEDS to treat dating like a buffet for a while.” Which is probably by I’m kept my feelings in check.

I’ve never really been one that “falls in love” with a FWB’s anyway. It’s like there’s a switch that can either get turned off or on. At the beginning of meeting someone I quickly assume “leave the switch on” or “keep that switch the fuck off”. I’ve never turned that “he may become more” switch on with him because he’s never been available so it’s still in that mode. However, his comments about how I’m going to fall or going to become emotional or whatever he says are just enforcing that the switch stays in the off position.

The exact type of relationship that I NEED and WANT is hard for guys to understand. Mostly because I don’t communicate it but even in my FWB’s things I need that intimacy. Yeah, I get it, I don’t say that much at all. But I secretly like the private moments of hand holding, caressing and kissing. I don’t need the “How was your day” text messages every day. I need the passion. I don’t need the “What do YOU want to do sweetheart” text messages. I need someone who says, “Be here at 8”. Then when I’m there I need music, and sarcasm and kisses and jokes and passion and sex and laughing and toying and more passion and respect and bonding and stories and hand holding and slow dancing and then when I go home I’m happy to fall asleep with those thoughts and not expect to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” text message. I guess I need a private boyfriend but a public friend if that makes any sense.

As I said, I’m an enigma. I understand why I’m the perfect friend and wife but a terrible girlfriend. I’m fiercely loyal and understanding. These are the things that I know are great about me. I have my days when I feel like a horrible person for some reason but I know what’s great and amazing about me.

This post has gone on way too long and still not even touched on even more weird shit but I’m done for the day… Just typing my thoughts out so they’re out of my head for today. xXx

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My weird life and other randomness…

These last couple weeks have been strange but again, that’s normal in my not so normal life. There’s been a lot of going out and a lot of meeting people but aside from that there’s been lots of drama. If you’ve been here (my blog) before you’ll know that I don’t usually cause the drama but am somehow in the middle of it while trying to push myself to the closest door to get away from it. Apparently, that’s not been working.

So first I’ll start with last week. I get a text from my brother making sure I knew what was going on. I had been immersed in work and had no idea what he was talking about but quickly found out that my father had been taken to the ER, then passed out, then taken and been admitted into another hospital. At this point everyone was racing around trying to figure out what to do. I was advised to stay where I was until further notice depending on the outcome of whatever the hospital had to say.

In usual fashion, where family is concerned, I was getting different stories, weird updates and disheartening news. The outcome was not going to be good. I had already told my boss that I would be leaving at some point and he’d have to just deal with things himself. By Thursday I was on the road. At this point I had been told my father was in heart, renal and kidney failure and someone was even kind enough to say, “This will be the first Christmas without him”.

My father and I have always had a weird, non-relationship. We’ve never really had a conversation that lasted longer than five uncomfortable minutes and he wasn’t a nice man growing up. With all that said, I’ve learned a lot from him. I am the person I am in business and my wit and business savvy has come from him. I was uneasy about how to feel about all of this but did have a couple cry moments which were unexpected.

The 2 and a half hour drive was cathartic and preparative. When I finally got to my brothers I was met by my sister-in-law and mother and was told that after almost five days my father was able to go home. But he’d be on, basically, hospice care from then on. In case you’re unsure what that is, it’s when someone is sent home to prepare to pass away. Yep, it’s not a pretty thing.

So we went to the hospital and I saw my dad which was weird because, growing up he was this larger than life, dynamic man that I was scared to death of and now he’s just small and frail and looks like he’s given up. I won’t understand what it’s like to be him and I get that but also, he was being so cruel to my mother. She is his only caretaker and I was having a hard time holding my tongue but realizing why he was doing it didn’t make it easier.

After just a day at my brothers I came home the next day and my brother, sister-in-law and niece came to me to visit for a day. We had a blast going to a museum, aquarium and to a nice dinner. They actually all stayed at my place that night and made my small apartment seem even smaller but it worked out. After we got home and everyone went to sleep, I stayed up and chatted with a friend for hours. I think I ended up going to sleep around 3 am and waking up around 6 am not being able to go back to sleep. I kept quiet until my niece popped her head out around 8. We cleaned up and went to brunch then they were on their way home.

I tried to sleep after that but am having a hard time sleeping lately, more than I normally do. Nothing seems to be helping me sleep these days. I just can’t shut my mind off at night. Even during the day if I try to nap my mind is racing like a fucking motorway. There’s so much going on in my world and my head that I can’t work it out. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin again and getting that itchy feeling to run away. I know I say that a lot but one day I’m actually going to do it. I wish that there was something that was truly keeping me here in this place. I just can’t seem to feel comfortable anymore. I’m either out way too much, doing too much or I’m not doing enough. I’m not really talking to anyone these days about my life or how I’m feeling which also, isn’t new.

There is one distraction from time to time and that’s the drummer. I’m happy when we’re together, especially when we’re at his place and it’s just about us and music or even in silence or moaning. But I’m not sure that this is the best thing for me. He’s a great distraction from my life and he’s not complicated. The relationship isn’t complicated. But I think he’s starting to feel too comfortable in this space we’re in that he doesn’t really try like he did in the beginning. I’ve given up on friends for less but he’s my only distraction right now. He’s a good one and I’m enjoying things I’ve dropped 7 potentials because none of them make me feel happy or as happy as when I’m around the drummer and I only have one FWB’s at a time.

If someone comes along and I feel some sort of connection to them then things might change but since I meet new people everyday and that connection is few and far between it appears that I might have to just live in this purgatory space for a while. I’m used to purgatory I guess. It’s where I’ve lived most of my life. I just wish for something amazing soon, something unexpected, something that I’m happily surprised about. I’m so over purgatory. I’m so over being disappointed or unsurprised. Maybe I need a new happy place. And now we’re back to running away again.

I’d love to take a trip soon. Maybe just go be out in nature for a couple days. I imagine the quiet calm of a forest or some shit… I don’t know maybe I’ll just go on a hike. I need to find some peace. That’s all. My mind is all over the place again and I’m losing my focus so that’s it for me today, in the middle of the day, which is weird. I’m such a night writer. Hope your in your happy place today… xXx

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