Had a great night tonight for a few reasons. First, I got to see live music which always makes me happy but also I got to talk to one of my favorite people for almost 3 hours. He’s my “brother from another mother” friend. I also hung out with THE friends too which was fun.
I have been feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin lately. I think it has to do with the full moon but who knows. I go out and it’s not enough. I stay in and just get too antsy. I’m driving myself crazy. I don’t know what this feeling is really accept for just an all too familiar feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend, my crazy sister friend and she didn’t understand. I don’t know what will calm this feeling anymore. It’s getting serious.
But one thing that always seems to help a bit is a nice drive listening to music or talking with a friend. Tonight, after the live music and after I dropped THE friend off, it was talking to my brother friend. He is and has been for so long someone that I can totally say, “I love him fully and unconditionally”. He’s smart and funny and literally always tells me the truth. Tonight was no exception.
I tend to tell him more about my life than anyone else I think. He knows the really shitty fucked up stuff that’s happened to me and he, now, knows some of the good things too. So he’s someone that I’ve told the entire story about the drummer too. This is the whole story from start to now and everything in between. No one else knows THAT much. I think I told him because I needed some advice and he’s the best at advice.
So let me tell you all here about why I need advice. The drummer is confusing, and I am confusing to him I guess. We started this “thing” of ours just over a year ago. In the beginning I knew there was this great connection but we didn’t have a future because he was taken. Move ahead almost nine months and he’s no long taken but yet somehow I never looked at him as available either. Then we start spending more time together and he’s saying these things like, “You’re the perfect girlfriend. I love you. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” So most of the things that girls want to hear right? Except I ignore all those things, not only do I ignore all those things but I even go so far as to tell him, “Don’t tell me that shit”.
Following me so far? Now that I told him stop saying it, he’s not just stopped saying those things but he’s got this giant wall up now where he’s not even being that nice. He’s not being mean but it’s hard to explain. It’s like he’s no longer seeing me like he did in the beginning but just as someone who he’s sexually active with when he feels like it. So it’s basically become a “with benefits” without the “friends” part.
In my twisted turn of events tonight I realize that I do need to hear that shit from the beginning. I need to hear SOME of it anyway. I don’t want to be in a FWBs relationship that absolutely has no chance EVER of going any further. Because, what’s the point. At the end of the day I am looking for love because I’m a human being. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Basically someone who accepts our fucked-up-ness and loves us anyway? I’m not saying that he IS THE one because I still don’t know him well enough and haven’t spent enough time with him but I am saying that given the right amount of time, I might develop feelings for him greater than a FWB relationship. We just haven’t had that much time together.
I read this article that said that it takes men a shorter amount of time to fall in love with someone than it takes a woman. Well, I think it takes me twice as long as a typical woman because I’m fucked up. Emotionally challenged, if you will. What I know is that I enjoy spending time with him. That makes me happy. I get a stupid smile on my face when I see a message come in from him. That makes me happy. When we’re doing nothing but sitting listening to music I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else. He makes me happy.
The problem in my fucked up head though is that I think when the universe finds out that I am happy for one minute that it finds a way to take that away. That’s the reason I don’t talk about him to people I know. To friends I know. I’ve said this before but the few moments of sweet, kind and real drummer that I’ve gotten to see is amazing. If THAT was who I was going to get most of the time, not even all the time, I would be willing to open my heart up. Because THAT guy, is someone I could fall for. THAT guy is someone that I am proud of and want to share THAT person with the people that I know.
THAT sweet, kind and real guy I’ve seen bits of is so fucking talented and smart and sarcastic and witty and beautiful. I love that he’s got ideas for the future and that he’s always thinking of what to do next. I’ve watched him when he’s sitting quietly and I can see the wheels turning in his head. I’ve heard his ideas and the way he talks about life and his kids and deep shit and THAT’S the guy that I could one day fall in love with BUT instead of saying any of that I get quiet. I get quiet and stupid.
Instead of saying anything to him about anything I get quiet. Sometimes it’s because all I want to do is listen to him and sometimes it’s because I’ll say too much or sometimes it’s because I don’t know which version of him will reply to what I have to say. I guess what I would say to him, if given the chance, is this…
“I think you’re amazing. I think that you’re beautiful. I think that you are one of the most talented people that I’ve ever met. I want to know you. I want to know all of you including the darkest parts, the brightest parts and the scariest parts. I have no judgement for you. I just want to get closer to see if this is more than just a sexual attraction. I came to you with my walls down, for the friend that I wanted you to be but with my heart closed because that’s the person that I am.
I will never hurt you. I will never tell your secrets. I will never do harm to you. I will always be loyal and kind and be proud of you. I will support you and help in any way that I can with any dream that you have. I’ve seen you vulnerable and I’ve seen you hurt and I just want to be able to tell you one day that I’ve seen through your broken bits and see the real you. I wish that you came out to play more.
I said to you once that I never expected something different out of this “ship” of ours and while that’s true. I do not have any expectations, I also don’t want to waste my time if there is no possibility of more in the future. I could fall for you. If I keep doing this I will probably fall for you at the right time. You have to give me a reason to open my heart to you as more than a friend instead of putting your walls back up.
I’m not asking for anything now from you. You’re not ready. I’m not ready but I’m asking that you SHOW me the love you said you already had for me. Words without actions are just bullshit. You’ve said before that you’re all about love but your actions are more about the hate that you reflect from others or from the damage you’ve sustained from others.
You don’t know my story. You don’t know the things about me that make me so closed off. You only know pieces of me which were salted in other stories. We didn’t meet by accident. This isn’t a mistake. We’re in each others lives to help not hurt, to protect, for loyalty and peace.
If none of this makes sense to you then tell me now. Let me protect myself BEFORE my heart gets involved. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m not looking for a husband or a father. I’m not looking to marry you or to live with you. I’m not looking for anything but a true friend and a lover with the possibility of more.
I don’t know. Maybe you’re a collector. Maybe you have a jar of hearts sitting next to your bed to capture all the hearts of the women loved you because of the people that didn’t. Maybe I’m just an idiot to consider this. Or maybe just maybe this could actually work out. Who knows when I’ll even see you again or which you you’ll be when I do. What I do know is that time is fleeting and I just don’t want to waste it.”
But instead of saying all of that, because guys don’t listen anyway, this is what I say: