Weekend Warrior and Some Rambling…

I’ll have to admit first that writing in the middle of the day is strange. The urge usually hits me after midnight but I’m sitting here with words trying to escape my mind. So, I thought I’d see what poetry or sober ramblings appear.

My weekend was long and unrestful. Friday, all I could do was wait for 5:00 to come. Although I knew we had a busy weekend of work to do as well. I’d started getting ready for a nice dinner out with my GBF and his sister to celebrate her birthday. Had no idea what the night would have in store after but looking forward to what ever anyway. The restaurant was a nice upscale steak house, darkly lit and wine menu bigger than the rest. We ordered, chatted and enjoyed while making friends with the waiter who gave us a lot of stuff for free. It was nice.

Earlier in the day my boss had heard from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend who said, “We need to talk”. I think it was the worst time for him to hear this as we had a big weekend planned and he emotionally broke down. To this day, he still doesn’t know what the “talk” is about but he’s a pessimist. So, he’s looking at the worst possible outcome. But he was crying, angry, sad, crying, angry sad… You get the idea. It was a perpetual roller-coaster. I get it. I’ve been there but knowing that he had to drive to the beach over an hour away after midnight I didn’t want him to go by himself. I’d offered to go with him.

Now, last week had been a crazy week for me as far as sleep. I got it when I shouldn’t have and didn’t get it when I was supposed to so my sleep schedule was all over the place. I knew it would be a late night so came home after dinner changed clothes and emotionally “readied” myself for my late night excursion with my boss. I got to his place around 11 pm and played with his dog for a while, while he finally ate dinner. We finally got on the road about 11:30 pm.

The weather fit his mood perfectly. It was dark, rainy, foggy and disruptive. It took us just over an hour to get there and during that time it was 75% of him saying the same things he’s said about the break-up as he had for the last few months and 25% of me being that nice supportive friend. We got to the beach and did what we went there to do and started the drive back around 2 a.m. At this point, I’m tired and cranky and that 25% of me being nice was turning into 50% of me being harshly real.

You see, about a month ago, I re-explained a memory or event that my boss and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight over and in no time he was able to see his mistake as to why it became a fight and why his girlfriend reacted in the way she did. I knew that he’d grown spiritually and emotionally just because for the first time in a very long time he was able to see the argument on the other side of things. Knowing that I’ve been re-telling him stories of events that have happened since I’ve know him and trying to explain to him that his actions or reactions have never been empathic.

The problem with all of this is that I’m not trying to bombard him with all these memories nor am I trying to make him feel like shit about anything but I’m trying to make him understand that he has needed to change for years. He’s finally getting it. Some days, with him, I’m supportive and nice and understanding but some days I’m real, honest and trying to teach him because right now, this very moment in time, he’s more open to understanding than ever before. I am grateful for THAT this weekend.

After getting home that night at around 3:30ish and fixing some sleepy tea I finally went to sleep around 4:30/5ish in the morning. I’d decided the night before that I was going to “ground myself” and not do anything except that lasted all of about a few hours. Before long I’d agreed to go to dinner. Then it was “I’ll just go see my DJ friend at a club for a minute”. By the end of Saturday night it was Sunday morning and I was no closer to getting any rest over the weekend what-so-ever. But it was nice to see my friends.

Sunday was a bit boring for me… See, nothing is ever good enough. I went from going out too much to not going out and now it’s boring. My life has very little balance in it in my mind. Some of that is because I’ve not been working out, meditating or doing yoga for a while now and I feel out of balance. So I need to get all that back and go back to clean living again. Where are my yoga pants again?

Disclaimer – all that above was written before midnight and now I’m home and it’s after midnight for the finish.

So that was my weekend which was fun and exhausting and long and short. Mondays are always hard after those weekends because I can’t seem to get my bearings. I can’t seem to find solid ground so I worked as much as I could and then decided to nap before dinner. My dream was so vivid. I woke up from my dream just trying not to move so as not to disturb the memory. It was a good dream. It was about the drummer which I’ve not heard from really since Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We texted a bit but nothing came out of it. And THIS is where things are different for me.

You see, again, I’ve made myself a promise to not react the same that I did with THE friend. Just to be clear this situation is no where close to the situation with THE friend either. I don’t have “feelings” yet for the drummer because we’ve not spent as much time together but I realize that if I did spend more time together I probably would. I’ve promised myself to not run from those feelings.

I am also more understanding with this “ship” because I understand that the drummer is going through a lot of shit. Bundled in that term “shit” would be his whole life. I understand that “just some chick” doesn’t need to come in and change anything so I’m distant yet concerned and helpful yet, hopefully, not a pain in the ass. I offer my help, an ear, a shoulder, possibly other body parts all to ensure that he feels safe with someone. I’m not asking for all his secrets and feelings and dreams but because he and I are both Aquarius’s I’m well aware that we can try to go through the worst of things all by ourselves. I’m not expecting to be the “one” that he shares everything with but I am offering the help because if the situation arose I’d feel better that someone offered me the help. Even though, in my mind, I’d probably not divulge anything real to someone I barely knew.

The other part of this is that before, I’d have been so upset or starting to spiral about why “I’m not good enough” or some other girl brained crap. Fact is, this guy has so much going on it really has nothing to do with me. This isn’t about me. You see, in finding all the perfect words, phrases and examples of memories to help my boss in his current state I think I’m actually giving myself advice that I should be listening to. Now, I finally am listening. It’s a whole brave new world over here. That’s not to say that I’m not having those girl-brain moments but I’m learning from my mistakes. What’s the point in making them if you can’t learn from them.

There’s my weekend and my current state. This is where I confuse myself though because within my weekend there would have been a story about a boy that I met. He was sweet and we hit it off. That was actually a big part of my weekend but because I didn’t immediately feel a connection to him he makes a small no name part in my weekend movie. There’s so much more about life that happens but it’s always about those that I feel the most connected to. I’m learning to embrace the connections, trying to open myself more and trying to fill my good karma bank all in the same breath. While I seem slightly obsessed at times it’s just what gives me the power to write about. I meet guys all the time that I just don’t care to remember to write about. So much for this being a blog about my dating life. The drummer once said to me that I didn’t get the attention I deserved. I then told him I thought he wasn’t as happy as he appeared. Turned out that we were both right. Strange vibe that night… and for this night, I’m done.

Nite xXx.

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

When to know when you’ve passed that thin line…

Years ago thin lines were what started the party for me and now I seem to be dancing back and forth between the thin lines of another substance. I believe myself to be a good person. All I want to do is make others happy. I feel like I decide a couple years ago that if I don’t get to have a happy ending then I’d make sure everyone around me did. So, that’s what I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people especially when they show appreciation but it seems that the last couple years I’ve also dabbled into helping others feel better all while tip-toeing the line of what is acceptable. “Do I flirt with the married guy because he’s not getting what he needs at home?” “Do I help this friend find something that makes her happy?” “Do I keep the secrets of those people?”.

Truth is I’m a sexual being, some might say too much. I like to talk about it, text about it and physically do it BUT the latter only seems to happen when I truly feel connected to someone now-a-days. I don’t mean love I mean a connection. I mean, I never have just randomly jumped in to bed with anyone. I’ve very particular. But since I’m being drawn into the spiritual world more now than ever before I understand that sex isn’t just a physical act. I can do that with anyone but the sex that I want is powerful, makes you feel transformed or transported. It goes above and beyond just the standard physicality of the act of sex.

My GBF keeps telling me that I should just jump in the sack with any one of the five guys that have me on their radar right now but I just can’t. I just literally got done sexting one of them before I started typing this. He’s one that confides a lot in me. We have great conversations but I just don’t feel that “connection” to him.

Then there’s THE friend, the one that I used to feel a connection to but don’t really feel anything anymore. I mean, I want him to be happy but I realized a while ago that as much as he tries to be better I don’t think he’ll ever be the friend to me that I am to him. I have tolerated a lot because I am that friend but don’t think he has ever sacrificed anything for me. That’s not a pre-requisite to be a friend of mine but some equality would be nice.

Then there’s the drummer. So, I know that I said I wasn’t going to have this turn into anything close to what THE friend and I were and by that I mean my slight obsession BUT he’s who I feel that connection to right now. If someone else comes along and I feel it with them then I’ll move on but until then that’s what you all get to hear about.

So, the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since August of last year but we’d chatted a little here and there. In the interim of not seeing him I’d been inundated with people telling me his secrets, or flaws but never once did I let them or what they said sway me. I defended him as much as I could and when I saw some sort of lie being perpetrated about him I cleaned it up and fixed it. Even if I knew it wasn’t a lie I still cleaned it up and protected him. I have had this dude’s back for almost a year without really knowing him because I have a strong sense about people. My boss will tell you that I’m usually never wrong.

After not seeing him for months I took THE friend to a show of his last weekend. THE friend wouldn’t have been my first choice and he wasn’t. I had asked if I could bring my co-workers wife and the drummer said no with good reason. She makes everything about her, there’s usually drama and no one wants to see a sloppy drunk try to flirt with every married man in the bar. Second, my boss was going to go but at the last minute something came up so THE friend was my last choice.

I had no agenda and only wanted to see my drummer friend play… That’s all. But I’m not going to lie, I wanted to see if after this long if there was still some sort of connection between us. To be honest with you I’m not sure if it’s a connection or it’s chemistry or if there’s even a difference. I just needed to see if there was anything more.

We got there and in the beginning it was awkward because it was obvious THE friend didn’t even want to be there. But I had my back to the drummer while he setup for the show. I had taken a call outside from my niece who wanted to say goodnight to me and then came back in. They’d started their set and he and I hadn’t even spoken yet but the moment they started playing I realized that, “Yep, there’s still something there!”. I once told the drummer that, “For me, watching you play is like watching an erotic porn” and I was so right about that.

We’d finally started talking and then it’s like we didn’t want to finish. Which is so freaking weird. We dabbled into talking about a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. He’d made some comment about why I brought some guy with me and asked if he was my boyfriend and if I did that to make him jealous. I’d said no because I really hadn’t but asked if he was and he’d said yes. At one point we went outside, actually a couple times by ourselves and the tension was palpable.

I just feel like there’s so much more to say to each other but mostly, I just want to see how good the sex is. But it’s more than that. I have no filter to lie to this guy. I mean, I’m not a liar by nature but I’m not sure that I’d be able to be dishonest with him even if I wanted to be, which I don’t. In fact, the first time he and I ever spoken on the phone which was months ago, I’d said something to him and he didn’t believe me and I replied, “Just know that I’ll never lie to you”. His reply, “Good, I like that”. But most guys I just tell them what they want to hear which usually equates to telling the truth but salting it with fabrications. Whether this is to build their ego, put them in their place or just because I’ve said something cruel and now I need to soften the blow. But with him, I don’t have to.

We’ve talked a little bit since then, not much but it appears the only “ship” that he and I will ever have is one during and possibly after I’ve gone to a gig of his. That’s not what I want. But I also don’t think that I want to date him either. What my ideal relationship would be is a FWB’s thing. If we’d ever seen each other outside of a gig then I’d feel better about this but I am not about to get into another one-sided thing with anyone. Certainly not when I know, this time around, I’m worth so much more than that.

We were both nervous at first too which is another weird thing. Guys don’t make me nervous and I wouldn’t think he would have been but we both were. After all that though it’s hard to believe that someone that I feel so insanely attracted to I might never actually have sex with. That will be a shame. The baby thing came up again as well but because I made a joke about it and he jokingly replied, “There’s still time”. I don’t know too many men that joke about having a kid with someone they barely know but he’s a new breed and he’s said before that just because we don’t “know” each other well doesn’t mean we don’t have a connection. We’ve both said things to each other that would make great lines in movie one day.

So all this started with sexting with a guy that I feel nothing for and ended with a guy that I never have real conversations with. That is my luck. One day I’ll either admit to myself that these fucked up relationships that I put myself in are NOT what life’s about OR I’ll just submit that my life was never supposed to be normal. I still don’t know that I was ever on this earth for 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence or if I was here to make sure everyone else got what they wanted. Does it even matter anymore? What in the hell do I even want anymore…

…and on that note I’m winding down my night listening to some Ludovico Einaudi, one of my favorite artists. If you don’t know check out Nuvole Bianche. It might just change your life.

Nite xxx

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