I have spent the last few years finding Mr. Right now except for the fact that most of the time I don’t even want them right now. My type used to be the basic tall, dark and handsome. Had those and that didn’t keep my attention. Then it moved to Latin men, that hasn’t stuck and now I’m just at, “I’d like to meet a man that doesn’t bother the shit out of me, respects me, has an appreciation for something other than his own reflection.” I say that having just had some text messages sent to me from the wrong guy who seems to think that I’m the right woman.
Why do I think I’m the wrong woman? Well, as I was driving back from dinner and game night tonight I was having a conversation with myself in my head and yes, that happens a lot. I was going over all the men I’ve met and that wanted to “get to know me” on some or any level. The one thing that they all had in common was that none of them knew me at all. They each knew pieces of me. Tiny, little pieces that I’ve chosen to let them know but nothing of significance. Even with the guys that I thought I loved, they’ve never seen all of me. I guess that’s a thing right? I guess that that’s how I’ll know he’s the right one, because I’ll let him see all of me.
This isn’t about me thinking that I’m some magnificent mystery or some great mystical muse. It’s about knowing who’s worth showing everything to because everything means the good, the bad and the ugly. It means he gets to see the sexy and the sweet and the bitter and the vulnerable. That last part is the part that I don’t do well with. I don’t like to show the vulnerable at all. Perfect example, I’ve been my boss’s ear for months now. I’ve seen him cry, scream, threaten suicide and I’ve seen his most vulnerable state but after 20 years, while he’s seen a lot of shit, he doesn’t get that from me. Which, sadly, if you think about it is the longest relationship either of us have ever had.
There’s so much that I keep from everyone, friends, family, guys I’m in relationships with. It’s been a problem for many. Some get pissed that I don’t confide in them, some have just given in to what is a flaw of mine and some are just not sure what to make of it. There is always a possibility that because others find it so easy to confide in ME, that this is over-compensation or something.
Anyway, so on my drive tonight I was thinking about my boss’s friend that I’d picked up a couple weeks ago. In the two hours that we drove around he had confessed things to me that he’d not told anyone. That happens a lot. My friends Mister did that to me too. That was problematic considering he was lying to her about things he was telling me the truth about which then made me have to be even more silent. At one point, the drummers wife has friend requested me on Facebook and I’d thought there would be another secret I’d have to keep, not from him but from her. Luckily I appeared to boring or something for her and she deleted me a couple weeks later but he didn’t even know she’d done it.
That was a weird situation in itself. The drummers wife. I knew of her, she knew of me. Either of us knew the extent of each other, I guess. I didn’t because I chose not to. I was afraid that she might ask me something as she’d had suspicions before but she never did. When I’d asked him why she deleted me he seemed surprised but it made no difference to me. He and I had once had a phone conversation where she was in the background and none of my messages to him were anything sexual. Like I’d said before I tried to switch our relationship to a business one. At the time it seemed like a good idea.
Around Thanksgiving though I’d gotten this weird feeling like their relationship was in trouble. He’d never said anything but there were signs. Then BAM, one day I get a message from a mutual friend that asked me about “consoling ‘drummer'” and our friend had said something about some posts he put out on Facebook. I’d reached out to the drummer and offered some advice, told him he could either take it, ignoring or tell me fuck off. He thanked me and that was it. I think I reached out once after that and asked if he was doing ok and got a simple answer back. But there’s a reason I’m going in to detail here. That’s the next part.
So, since day one of meeting this guy there was always something between us. I was not the first to feel it. He was. My Shaman friend had told me we’d known each other in another life and that we were meant for each other in some way, shape or form. I was resistant to this because, well, he was married. But also because he and I are SO much alike. In fact, we are 8 days apart. Which means we’re both Aquarius’s. This is both good and bad. It’s good because I know what he’ll do and it’s bad because I know what he’ll do. Plus, as much as he doesn’t mind me helping him out he’s certainly not gone out of his way to be my friend. That is an Aquarius trait. But at the end of the day, I believe in the movie “He’s just not that in to you”. By those standards, any man, if they want to be in your life will be. Now, I take the things that I am deeply attracted to in him and place them in a jar along with the other traits from other men that I have liked and some that I’ve even loved and that’s what I ask for when setting my intentions on the full moon.
It’s hard to see past the signs which are usually all counter-productive. It’s hard to see past the Shaman saying that we’d been together in another life and that’s why our souls were drawn together in this one. It’s hard to see past the other people that can feel energy between us BUT I’ve been down this road before. What I do know is that I’ve heard his secrets, I’ve kept some of his secrets and I’ve not told anyone that I’m helping him that we both know. After all, I like my secrets. I like keeping him a secret too. I liked knowing that when he found out his wife has friend requested me that he was probably more worried about what she’d say to me than me spilling our secret. He and I have never discussed things after that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him in person again but he makes an appearance in my dreams a lot. But, as a fellow Aquarian, it is in our birth right that we can ghost the people that we tend to care about the most more than any other sign.
What a terrible flaw we have. I have seen and done this ghosting all too well and yes, it can happen to someone that you love and care about more than anyone. I don’t know if it’s because we are so emotionally broken or detached that we feel it’s the only way to take control but it’s an annoying feature. I think that’s also why I’ve tried to switch us to a friend/business relationship instead of a fuck relationship. It’s much easier for me to ghost someone that there’s nothing to hold on to.
I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and for who. I will admit that I’m finding it way too comfortable to be alone these days. Maybe I don’t want/need to be in a romantic relationship anymore. Maybe I’ve missed my chance and I’m clinging on to the men that I feel something, anything for. As I said, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We shall see because tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities and new people.
That’s all for now, good night all xxx