Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

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The Anniversary post… about masochism.

So I missed the anniversary of my total life change, the flood last year. But I’m choosing to write about another anniversary first. I have been with my boss (in a work relationship) for almost two decades… Do you realize just how long that is? Most people can’t even make their own marriages last that long. He didn’t. But because of this, he and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over it.

So, the first thing to understand is that my boss is a narcissistic douche and I tell him that every chance I get BUT I love my job and my customers, plus I’m good at it. There’s also some sort of poetic justice that I’m able to cuss out my boss, tell him to fuck off on a daily basis, scream and yell and then five minutes later go back like nothing happened. He’s terrible though. He’s uncaring, selfish, pathological. So why am I still there really? Does this go back to me being a masochist? That’s the real question.

Let’s go over my history… Do you know how many men in my life and wanted a “forever” with me and I’ve turned them all down? Lots. I’ve got engagement rings in a safety deposit box to prove it. Yes, more than one. So there’s many men that wanted to love me, take care of me and be there for me but instead I say no. Instead, I opt for men that are completely unavailable. Knowing they’re unavailable I still choose to spend time with them and some I get feelings for some I don’t but deep down I know it’ll never be anything meaningful. Then, I work for some horrible asshole, knowing that there’s a lot to this job that he can’t do or doesn’t want to so we have what we jokingly, sadly, refer to as a work marriage. I’ve actually told him that when I do leave his ass, finally, he’ll owe me alimony.

 

Masochism: the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.

If these things above are true, which they are, then my definition I am a masochist. I suppose it would be easier to just take the healthy route and find a lover to just spank the shit out of me right? I don’t even know at this point. Or, and here’s a better option, I’m just stuck in a rut. A very long, very real rut.

I like to learn, a lot. If I don’t know about something I’ll try to figure it out on my own. So, reading up on why people tend to lean toward the pain side of things there’s a lot that comes up. First, abuse, or having other shitty things happen to you as a child. Check. Next, just the inclination of pain itself that doesn’t actually have to have anything to do with anything. You just like it. Maybe it’s all the above or maybe it’s something that I’m not even thinking about yet. I don’t even know.

I wrote a post a few back about getting in touch with an old music producer/friend of mine and he was shocked that I wasn’t in the music industry. I think that made things worse in my head. Especially when he said that out of this whole group of kids he’d known back then it was only me and one other that he thought would truly “have made it”. It’s kind of a back-handed compliment but he didn’t mean it like that. Even today he said, “almost 20 years… really?”.

Aside from all that, I’ve gone out on three dates over the last couple weeks knowing that there was absolutely NO connection or chemistry. Why? Okay, so the answer to all these questions, in case you hadn’t figured it out is I’M A MASOCHIST! I usually know within about five minutes of meeting someone if there is something there or not. Of course, lately, I’ve had to ask them first if they are single and NOT married. The last guy I had chemistry with I’m not even sure I’ll ever actually see or talk to again but is married. The one before that I think I fell for the idea of loving him to save him knowing that it wasn’t even real. It’s strange the realizations that you have AFTER the fact, when the smoke has cleared and that person isn’t standing in front of you staring at you with lust in their eyes. I tend to think clearly away from those situations. Still NEVER felt that much sexual tension before and I do that all over again because I’m a masochist. I’d get all sweaty with a guy that I have absolutely NO future with.┬áSee, I need to find a way to break these patterns. It’s getting fucking ridiculous. I can find a rhyme or reason for everything that I do but these patterns need to STOP.

One of the dates that I had was commenting on how he thought I’d make a great wife. Don’t be freaked, we’ve know each other for a while. He was naming off all these really great qualities about me and I’m not going to disagree with anything he had to say. I would make an awesome wife… For the right man. BUT where is the right man? At this stage in my life I’m going to move to a small town, change my name and just get a dog, maybe have someone knock me up so that I can raise a kid who has better luck than I do. I swear, on my good days, I’m much more poetic than this but it’s been a crappy couple of weeks.

Back to my original story though, my boss’s girlfriend basically said to him, “Seriously, she’s been there for you for almost 20 years and you couldn’t even get her flowers?”. This started a huge fight and him screaming at her to mind her own business and then I just felt like shit because they’re fight was about me. I mean realistically it’s not about me but something deeper but it started because of me and I feel like shit because of that. It really sucks to be empathetic sometimes. I’d much rather go through life apathetic but we don’t get to chose.

Those are my thoughts tonight. As I said, none of which are poetic at all. I think I’m just voicing my frustration out. That is all… xxx

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